FeelingGreat

Army, what is your plan regarding custody? Best case, I can't see you being granted full custody, and I'm sure the allegations of 'abuse' will surface. To a certain extent the addict behaviour can be denied or minimised.

In this difficult time, give some thought to the children being alone with her.

53500

Army, this is terrifying. It made my skin crawl to read it.

Divorce is wrenching under any circumstances but you get through it. One day at a time, lots of pain and heartache, but eventually it gets better and then much, much better. If you start to waver re-read your post about finding that Hydrocodone pill next to your child.

So sorry you're going through this and for all that came before, and the heartache and drama that's bound to come. For a while. Not forever. It'll get better.

ArmyOfOne

Then what is the point of divorcing her if I have to leave the kids alone with her. I understand that she has a legal a moral right to have a relationship with my daughters. I wouldn't deprive then of that, but not without some sort of intensive therapy or supervised visits.

redatlanta

Stop reading the internet about divorcing a BPD/NPD STOP. You are future tripping. That's like having a a dry cough and googling what it is. Before you know it you've diagnosed yourself with stage 4 lung cancer.

Some of the worst divorces I have seen had zip to do with mental illness or addiction. People don't have to be sick to be troublesome, and troublesome people aren't always sick. I think its to be expected its not pleasant. Living with her isn't either, in fact its worse because you lose yourself in her madness. No thanks.

If she had it her way, and she is really trying, you'd be hand in hand popping pills and getting drunk every single night. She could care less about whether you enjoy alcohol or not - she rewards you when you drink, which is not for YOU, its for HER. You have compromised yourself to accommodate her, there is no worse feeling - its icky and gross. There is never enough to make a person like this happy. Happiness is fleeting for them, they always need more. more, more.

You'll do just fine and so will your kids. The pill would be a deal breaker for me too.

redatlanta

The kids are alone with her now. When you take a shower, when you go to the store, when you go to sleep and she climbs in bed with them they are alone with her - it doesn't matter if you are in the house. Clearly you know now potential damage can happen anyway.

That's the point that is the hardest to see - control and management of the addict in the home, there is none. The point of divorcing isn't just about the kids (though their safety is highest priority). Its to end the insanity that has become your life (and theirs).

LexieCat

I'm with red. You get a good lawyer, you document EVERYTHING, and you fight for whatever is necessary to ensure the kids are safe. Some people here have been successful in getting provisions requiring alcohol testing as a condition of visits. The stuff going on in your house right now is dangerous to the kids.

amy55

I don't want to paint puppy tails, and lollipops, and candy canes. In most states it is 50/50 custody. I already said my kids were older, but what my ex did was he finally became a father to them, he finally talked nice to them. If he was hating me, then that was good for him, and he could like other people.

You don't know where this will go to, but I think this might be the best for you. I think you were getting too involved with trying to make things better and you were losing yourself. Your children need "you", not the person that you are trying to become so that your wife doesn't rage at you anymore, or give you the silent treatment. They need "you". They need to see you happy. I think that is the best thing that you can give them.

You do have a lot of support here. You're part of our family.

(((((hugs)))))
amy

Wisconsin

I'm with Red, also. When I got divorced the first time, it was from a man who was not an A, and who dealt only with pretty run-of-the-mill depression/anxiety. He made the divorce a living hell for me, and it carried on for 18 months. This time around, I am divorcing an A who is pretty far along in his disease, and I do not anticipate much, if any, trouble. You just never know.

I also stayed for a long time in part because I wanted to control and manage my STBXAH's relationship with our son. Frankly, that just made the whole thing worse. What I really needed to do was file for divorce, focus on establishing one happy and healthy home, and document EVERYTHING that my STBXAH does should he fall off the deep end and force my hand on custody issues.

ArmyOfOne

That is the intent.

SadInTX

Army,
The father of my kids (we were not married but together for 12 years) was an A, compulsive gambler, NPD, and BPD . We did not have to file a divorce, but instead I went through mediation for the child support and child custody schedule. I thought he "deserved" to be a part of the kids lives...I wish I could turn back the clock and do it all over. I should have listened to the lawyer that I went to see. I should have filed for supervised visitation. I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt...for my kids...but it back fired. He eventually found another woman to enable him...he didn't have to find a place to live on his own...moved in with her..married her, got her pregnant, all the while took ME to court for custody of our kids. $10,000 later and so much heartache I won the case, but he still has joint custody. Long story short....what saved me was DOCUMENTATION and evidence that he was a liar, gambler, NPD, BPD...the pill issue is very scary..
I too read books, internet, etc on divorcing a NPD, BPD, etc. and it helped me get prepared, but I agree with Red...don't get caught up in what might happen. Just do it...know that you are the stable parent...be confident in that...your lawyer will be paid to represent that in court. It will be ugly, but it is worth it in the long run for those kids...

Refiner

Sorry it's come to this, Army. You both sound absolutely MISERABLE in the marriage. This could be the very best thing that could happen for both of you AND the kids. She'll either get it together being happier and stop numbing herself and putting her kids in danger, or she will continue the numbing without the hassles from you. If you document the danger the kids are in, hopefully a judge will see to it that they are protected until she can prove which path she's taken if for the better for the kids' sakes.

ArmyOfOne

Last night after coming home from my Al-Anon meeting; I went to kiss my girls good night. I could smell Alcohol on my wife’s breath. My stomach turned as I tried to hold onto my serenity. In the restroom I found a bottle of ‘Klonopin’ from 3 weeks ago. I guess she is now full blown relapsed. But then again I don’t know when she had quit.


I know what the text says, I know what I am supposed to feel but I don’t know why I feel like I had a part to play in her relapse. I shouldn’t have agreed to drink with her.


I know I haven’t said this but I love you guys. I appreciate each and every one of you for taking time out and providing different perspectives. I don’t know what I would have done without you guys.

Wisconsin

AOO, be gentle with yourself. We ALL can look back on our pasts and identify a bajillion things we shouldn't have done, or we should have done differently. You serve yourself and your daughters best when you keep your focus on making the best choices today.

This is a horrible, terrible thing that no family should ever have to go through. Choices you made in the past are not responsible for your wife's addiction. Sending you lots of hugs, and the strength to keep your focus on today.

LexieCat

There is no "how you should feel"--you feel how you feel. If your feelings are, in part, a product of wrong thinking, then you work on retraining your brain. We all have deeply-ingrained beliefs that we tell ourselves and other people, and sometimes they are just wrong. It takes time to really understand the truth.

All you did by drinking with her is give her an EXCUSE for drinking. If you'd refused to do it, she still would have drunk, and her excuse in that case would be that you weren't making her happy by keeping her company. There is ALWAYS an excuse. The CAUSE of the drinking is that she's an alcoholic. She is an active alcoholic.

Incidentally, I'd quit calling it a "relapse" if I were you--I've never seen any indication that she had any degree of recovery, even if she managed to stay dry for a period of time.

hopeful4

I agree with Lexie, I would not call it a relapse either. If you had the ability to control her behavior I am sure you would have made her stop....years ago. Go easy on yourself, and remember the three C's....You did not CAUSE it, You cannot CONTROL it, and you cannot CURE it. She has the power to recover....or not. That's the raw truth.

Many, many hugs to you. I know it's hard, but you must stop the blame game with yourself and stand up and be strong with your boundaries.

FireSprite

Army, there was a member here last year that won custody of his girls but I cannot for the life of me remember his username to direct you to his posts..... it may be helpful, I'll keep thinking or someone else will remember & chime in.

It may also be helpful for you to search out old posts from Hammer. He battled mental health issues with his wife & had 3 kids he was advocating for - he's a little hard to get a read on because he comes across pretty gruff & short in this forum, but he shared a lot of really great info & links both here & in the Mental Health forum.

And yeah, I agree with Lexie - stop calling it a relapse. It's important to call things what they really are, use the right labels for things. Otherwise we're sort of choosing to stay in denial & feeding the insanity.

Hang in there, it's not going to be easy no matter what.

ETA - this isn't the one I was talking about, but: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...o-son-car.html

amy55

Army, I'll admit that I was hard on you in the beginning. You got through all of that. You did establish a family here.

You have tenacity. That's a good thing.

I really am sorry about the way things turned out. Just know that things will get worse. You still have a lot of the "you" person left in "you". By the time that I left I didn't.

You really are a special person. I really do like that about you.

Always remember, you have family.

((((((hugs)))))))
amy

amy55

Can't correct my paragraphing now. So that sounded all wrong. (lol)

I think you know what I mean though. I have a lot of respect for you, I think there are many of us here that do. I don't think you are an ArmyofOne anymore, I think you are an ArmyofMany.

amy

AnvilheadII

I know what the text says, I know what I am supposed to feel but I don’t know why I feel like I had a part to play in her relapse. I shouldn’t have agreed to drink with her.

she was going to drink and use anyways..........no sense crying over spilled wine, Army. and i agree i don't see this as a RELAPSE, because that would mean there had been a concerted EFFORT on her part to NOT use and to string together a bunch of clean and sober days.

i hope you have things worked out where you NEVER have to leave the children alone with her. since she's either drunk or high or both, her sleeping with them is really creepy and just plain wrong.

this won't be easy, nobody here is going to feed you that line, but if you gather your wits and the necessary information and take thoughtful measured steps with purpose, you'll get there!

firebolt

Just shouting out some support to you - hoping for smooth roads a head and an ounce of peace through it all. Can't wait till you post an update here one day when you are far far out the other side of this. You are setting the wheels in motion for a happy, healthy life for you and your kids - GOOD FOR YOU!!!