amy55

I also slept in numerous parking lots. I'm just glad that I can be here for you. You aren't alone. I am divorced now.

I remember the first time that I talked to people who could relate and didn't think I was crazy. I had called the DV hotline. I just needed someone to be nice to me, to listen to me, and not tell me I was crazy. They stayed on the phone with me for 2 hours.

SR is opened 24/7 also just like 1-800-799-SAFE. (DV hotline).

If you need to take your time to feel some relief, that you finally found somewhere that you are understood, then take that time.

I think you really do belong here, and I will be here for you.

(((((((((((hugs))))))))))
amy

Duckygirl1

Let it all out dear one. We are your birds of a feather and are hear to listen. A friend who went through much of what you have. She has PTSD so bad that if she snaps one day, she can't be held responsible. The police in this case were disgusting. I wish I could say I'm surprised. Everyday you will see more clearly and become stronger. I hate that when we want to believe the best in people and are trusting we are called naive or idiots. These men are psychotic snakes. It was never your fault. The challenge is to now make the best of your life now that the truth is clear.((((hugs))

amy55

I went back and read some of your last threads. They were all about him, and how he is going to detox, go to rehab, go to sober living.

This really is your first post where you opened up to talk about the hell you were going through.

I did read where you expressed that in a way, you are happier that he is not home, and if he goes to sober living, he won't be home.

I know when I was going through hell, I ended up on a website. It had something to do with Depression Fallout. It was about how his behavior was affecting me. I did develop PTSD from being with my ex. I was so concerned with what would affect him and how he would feel about something, that I completely lost myself. I lived a life of walking on eggshells, just to not set him off.

I think we know that doesn't work either. Things that set them off changes all of the time. If I didn't say this here before, I am an RA. I would never pick up a gun and threaten to shoot someone. I wouldn't punch someone in the face. I also wouldn't feel relief sleeping in a car in a parking lot somewhere, because I knew I would feel safe that night. I did feel relief sleeping in my car with the doors locked, but that shouldn't be considered as "normal".

I hope you have a good night sleep, you deserve it. I also hope that he is not home with you. Sleep tight, and always remember you have a place to go to. Here.

amy

BoxinRotz

I was just wondering if you've ever thought of just leaving him and starting a new life with you, that revolves around you, finding out who you are and what you need? Have you thought about that or gotten that far?

With you posting about him, him, him, you're taking the focus off of the most important person in this relationship with alcohol and that is YOU!

Believe me when I tell you that I feel your pain!

searching peace

Thank you so much for this post. I don't remember (but these days I don't remember anything) anyone posting about sleeping in your cars in different parking lots. I did that. I used to go to the hospital parking lot because people were always around because of the ER. I felt safer somehow and felt that maybe I looked normal and had a loved one in the hospital and was just getting some sleep before visiting hours. I am so concerned with what people think. Very bad issue I have. I have thought I was crazy for thinking the things I do and reacting the way I did. I slept on the floor in an upstairs room for two years. I was so afraid of my stbxah. I still am. I cannot do anything right no matter what it is in his mind. It is nice to know other people have experienced similar things as I am.

redatlanta

Amberly - Part of the abusers MO is to make the victim feel crazy, or just be crazy. It becomes justification for why they do what they do - its your fault not theirs.

I am very sorry that these things have happened to you. I hope that you will call a DV hotline and discuss with them what has happened to you. They are nonjudgmental and confidential. I think it will give you some perspective in your situation.

Many hugs to you ((((hugs))))

amberly

Maybe I am a lost cause but I still don't think AH is a bad person. I am not exactly a peach either and I can't lay all the blame for this on him. I don't like who I became- I was mean and used some pretty bad judgment a lot and I can't blame that on anyone but me.

I do believe that no matter what happens with his treatment- and with mine- that two people with such a toxic past do not belong together.

I don't even really blame the police for amything. I don't think they had the whole picture until late in the process. And I was not very forthcoming so again that's on me.

I am actually ok with how things are. Opening old wounds gives me anxiety. Living in the now and looking forward to the future brings me peace. I am so thankful to have had a chance to step back and see everything- and to be able to make changes.

And I an so thankful for all of the support here. I really did think I was the only one going through this. I thought it was a situation I created. Phew.

LexieCat

If you were talking about "normal" alcoholic behavior I might agree that sometimes the way we behave can play a role in the back-and-forth craziness that goes on in the relationship.

Abuse is a completely SEPARATE issue. Most alcoholics are not abusive, and most abusers are not alcoholics. Alcohol lowers the inhibitions and can sometimes aggravate the situation, but abusive men (or women, but men are usually the abusers) behave the way they do because they CAN--because it is to their BENEFIT to be able to control their partners. Even when they are being "nice" the threat is always there, and it keeps the victim on eggshells.

Whether you are a "peach" or not, it does not excuse threats and violence. EVER. There are dozens of ways to deal with conflict that do not involve force or violence. They are choices HE makes.

Like alcoholism, abuse tends to get worse over time, and it often escalates to seriously dangerous levels when the victim tries to assert her independence or to leave. Detachment is a great tool in non-violent alcoholic relationships, but it can be very dangerous in abusive ones.

I hope you will call an advocate or at least the DV hotline for some safety planning. These situations can spiral out of control in a heartbeat, no matter what you do. It's important to have an emergency escape plan, and to know what all your options are. Advocates understand very well why victims appear in court on behalf of the abuser, why they ask to have charges dropped and protective orders dismissed. No one there will judge you or look down on you for doing that. They get it.

amberly

Thanks Lexi. I think I am going to talk to somebody. I don't see it as an abusive relationship- I just thought of it as how our relationship is. I'm afraid maybe I am in some major denial.

I wonder if it possible to be in an abusive relationship and not realize that's what it is.

LexieCat

It is ABSOLUTELY possible. Here's a book I would highly recommend checking out: Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He DO That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men. The link is just to a preview, but it's available on Amazon and elsewhere. Very, very enlightening. Every woman living in a possibly abusive relationship should read it.

amberly

Thanks Lexi. I think I am going to talk to somebody. I don't see it as an abusive relationship- I just thought of it as how our relationship is. I'm afraid maybe I am in some major denial.

I wonder if it possible to be in an abusive relationship and not realize that's what it is.

amy55

Hi amberly,

You know your marriage better then I do. I going to talk about my experience, if that is OK. I was married for 19 years before I put the word "abusive" to it. I always thought it was me. I was told so many times how horrible I was, and what an idiot I was, I believed it. I always thought I wasn't saying things the right way, if I could only figure out the right way to say things, he wouldn't rage at me.

I do love my ex, the person that I married, or the person that I thought I married, and I guess even to this day, I might go back and forth with the things that I did wrong.

I did read in one of your post that you know it is over because no matter what, you are in a toxic relationship. I don't know how you are feeling about that now, because things change day to day, especially when it looks like they are trying to work on things. I think I also recall that he was in Iraq and was diagnosed with PTSD.

Thing is, you need support and you need a lot of it. He threatened to shoot you in the head. I hope I am not getting things wrong here.

Perhaps it is the PTSD that caused this, or perhaps it wasn't. Thing is he threatened your life.

I slept in my car to get away from his raging. I tried to walk away and disengage, he would follow me, and follow me. I always had my car keys on me, sometimes the only break I got was when I went into the garage to have a cigarette, he didn't follow me there, so I went to the garage often, either to calm down a bit, or if I couldn't deal with things, I would take off. Go and sleep somewhere safe.

I am concerned for you, he has already physically assaulted you. I think I read that you are married for 4 years, mine didn't physically assault me till we were married for 10 years. He had no remorse at all for that. He threw me to the floor, kicked me in the ribs, then went to sleep. I think it was another 12 years before he physically assaulted me again. Then after that another 2 years. I'm not counting the times he pushed me into walls, where no major marks were left.

Is he going to live at a sober living place, or is he coming home? I just want you to remember that the most dangerous time for a woman, is when they are thinking of leaving, or they are leaving.

Please keep coming here and keep us updated. I really do care for you.

((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
amy

searching peace

I didn't know I was in an abusive relationship until the magistrate told me I needed to go file for a PFA. When I went to file for one the court advocate gave me some papers and said read these and tell me if any of this sounds familiar. My Stbxah had done them all. Every single thing on every single paper described my life and my AH. I just started crying. It was a relief to know it wasn't my fault, I wasn't crazy and that what he was doing WAS wrong! I will try to find those papers and post them for you. It is difficult when you have someone telling you something everyday and you love that person, you believe them. I think it is easier to push everything to the back and not deal with it all, than to face the situation is bad and dangerous and you need to do something and get out. But most things worthwhile are not the easiest. If I was on the outside looking in I would be screaming at myself to get out and away and never look back. But it isn't that easy when you are in the middle of the situation and chaos.

amy55

The hardest thing here is that there is intermittent kindness, and the cruelness. There are the times that you look at them and you see this lost little boy that you just want to comfort. At those times you really don't remember the "shark eyes" that they had when they looked at you while in a rage, knowing they weren't even seeing you, they were just seeing their own hatred in their head.

You always want that lost little boy to come back so you can love him. That is the confusing part of it, at least that is what kept me there longer then I should have been.

(((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
to all that have gone through this or are going through this.

amy

healthyagain

Absolutely! Actually there is the cycle of abuse, these periods of niceness that suck the victim right back in. You get completely blind and sink deeper and deeper.

Take a look at this:

The National Domestic Violence Hotline | Abuse Defined

Do any of these sound familiar?

I really hate that you are going through this. It makes me sick. But they are able to manipulate and make you look like a bad guy. Even if you are 5'0" and they are 6'5". I always think that my AH should have been a psychologist or something, because he knows exactly what to do and what to say to hurt me, and if he could use this people soul-reading ability in a constructive way, oh he would be so rich.

Take care of yourself. You really have to when you deal with people like that.

ladyscribbler

I've been following this thread and wanted to come back to it when I had some time to respond. This past week I've been reading through my old journals from when I was with my ex (discovery for a custody case).
It was painful, though I did feel heartened looking at the progress I've made since I left.
One of my first really bad nights with my ex, I had to take our son (only a few months old at the time) and sleep in the parking lot of the VA hospital. It got cold and I went inside the ER. I'd twisted my ankle a few days before and it was still hurting, so that was my excuse. But it was getting cold and I felt so ashamed to be sleeping in a car with my baby. I explained my situation, including the fact that I was afraid to go home and didn't have anyplace else. The staff was nice about it, took their time treating my "injury" and gave me a private room to breastfeed my son and even spent time playing with him so I could get a couple hours of sleep. Their kindness made me sadder than his drunken rage. I didn't feel like I deserved it.
I've posted on another thread of yours, speaking as a veteran suffering from PTSD. Now I'm speaking as a woman who stayed too long in an abusive relationship- who also didn't define what was happening to me as abuse until much later. Three years of journal entries (out of a five year relationship), and I barely recognized the woman I was then, so hopeful that he would change, yet so filled with despair that the only changes were things getting progressively worse. All those awful memories dragged up. The anger, the shame. Yet I still somehow loved him. I had almost forgotten how that felt.
I've been in the exact place you are now. Except I didn't have the courage to reach out for help back then. Not even to strangers on the internet. You are not alone Amberly, and you are definitely not a lost cause. I don't have any sage advice, but I'm here for you.

amberly

Oh thank thank thank you everyone- I really did not expect that anyone else in the world had the same experiences. My AH is a combat vet and does have PTSD. Except for the gun incident though I really don't believe the PTSD came into play. The gun incident really confused me because we were not fighting or arguing or anything. He came downstairs from being asleep for the night and seemed like a totally different person. And pulled a gun. Puff out of the blue. I did not even know the case was there.

But what I am actually wondering now is if there is any jope of salvaging the relationship. If it is indeed toxic and he is abusive and I don't lnow any miracle workers, should I even bother trying or jusy cut my losses. I'm really not unrealistic and I haven' t been a dreamer since way before AH. I don't have the energy to waste on something that will never be.

Refiner

Oh dear Amberly! Please re-read your last post in this thread as you're driving to the airport to pick him up today. You are in a SCARY ABUSIVE relationship. He punches you in the face and threatened to blow your brains out with a gun in his hand. You have been HAPPY with him gone. This is now YOUR time while he's in the sober house learning life skills for HIM, now is the time you do the same for YOU. I'm so glad you found SR but I really hope you can get some good DV counseling too. You have a big day today and I wish you strength and success!