amberly

Have you ever wrongfully believed in your A that you ended up totally mortified because you were such a trusting idiot?

I have and it all comes to a climax next week. When I didn't know my AH was drinking ( yup right there I am the idiot) we were at a hotel and he collapsed. I really thought something bad was wrong and I called for paramedics. Instead two police officers showed up and were saying nasty things about my husband. I did not want them near him since they weren't helping anyway. I got verbally upset and the one officer shoved me out into the hallway and started mocking me. Of course I got more upset and ended up collapsing in a panic attack. He laughed and cuffed me for resisting arrest.

Turns out AH was just drunk and I ended up in detention. I go to court this week and have no idea what to say. Except that I am incredibly embarrassed at the arrest and being fooled by my AH again.

AliWProk

Amberly, this is terrible. I'm so sorry you were caught up in his bs. I have been there, though thankfully not involving law enforcement. Just friends, family, strangers on the street were witnesses to my ignorance and ultimate humiliation. For example:

Friends: XAH apparently tried to kiss my best friend after a round of drinks. She never told me until we divorced. So when I think back on every interaction we had with she and her husband after that.... yeah.

It's always like everyone knows except me. I hate that. It's embarrassing and makes me feel like a moron. It was only recently, after we divorced 4 years ago, that I realized how bad his drinking problem really was. To the point that I don't think I ever really knew him. So I let myself be conned. I'll make sure it doesn't happen again. I went to Al Anon, and then got his family to go.

I'm stopping that crap now, every day, for me and my son. I'm smart and strong and brave and true. And so are you.

AliWProk

And as for court, even if it sounds ridiculous or is embarrassing, you should tell the truth.

amberly

I'm sorry I am just venting bad air. I am half ticked that I still have to deal with the crud. And I am half really angry and in disbelief still of how the system worked. The first time things really got ugly I just walked away. I did not want to fight. My AH put out a missing person report. My car had broken down and I didn't have a cell phone. The officers found me, drove me home, and said I should not leave again because my AH was so worried.

So the next time I stayed, but callef 911 after he punched me in the face. The officers said AH told them I had knocked him down and kickef him and punched him. Um he has 15inches on me, had no marks and the officers told me to go to a hotel or else I would be arrested.

And so on...

I think I am just mad right now-not necessarily mad at him. Maybe I am just mad at me.

amberly

Now that I have started spilling I need to get it all out.

The third time I called the police was when he threatened to shoot me in the head with a loaded gun. They took that a bit seriously. They put him in detox and then sent him back home with me for WEEKS before they arrested him.

The last time the police were called to our house somebody else called. I got no less than three lectures from officials about not calling the police anymore because it was making my AH look bad. Also because the neighbors were bothered by it.

Suffice it to say the last weeks before he left were a living hell. I would not stay at a hotel because I did not want to be forced out of my house, I was afraid to leave my dogs, and I figured the police would find me and tell me to go home.

Breathe- I am done.

LexieCat

I'm sorry for what happened during the DV incident. We train officers how to determine predominant aggressor and it sounds like that wasn't done.

I hope you have a lawyer for your hearing--any chance this will hurt your license? Unless there's more to the story, there's probably a good chance the prosecutor will downgrade it to an ordinance violation or something--disorderly conduct, excessive noise, something like that. I'd go in with a lawyer and have him or her talk to the prosecutor about making this go away.

suki44883

I don't know where you live, but the police department there sounds horrendous! Do you, by chance, live in a small town? There is another poster here who has gone through many of the same things you have when it was her alcoholic husband who was the abuser.

I am so sorry, Amberly. I hope you are safe now. ((HUGS))

amberly

Thanks Lexie. I do have a lawyer and I am almost positive this will be expunged but it is still humiating and has done a number on my self confidence. License is ok but my boss will fire me in a heartbeat if he gets the chance.

Mango blast

(((Amberly)))

You are important. One day at a time, baby steps, and you will be okay! Stay safe through this and look for ways to build a support network for yourself.

Have you called or been to a Domestic Violence Center? They can help. If you don't know the number of one near you, call 1-800-799-7233

The National Domestic Violence Hotline | 24/7 Confidential Support

amberly

Suki- thank you for the support. Not so much a small town. But we are definately the newby oursiders. Guess my AH fit in better than me.

amberly

They gave me the number of the victims advocate. I talked to her but when I saw her at a hearing she would not talk to me because I was there on behalf of my AH. I know- my fault and it sounds bad. But - well there really is nothing I could say that makes that ok. I was an idiot and still hoping for the best.

Maybe they figured I was such a fool that I deserved to be on my own

LexieCat

No, they did not think you were a fool--trust me on that. It could be that they have a policy of not talking to victims who are there in court on the behalf of the defendant so they can't be accused of witness tampering. If you call them on your own, they will definitely not judge you.

Mango blast

It's okay to call again. Whether for the victim's advocate or therapy or just someone to talk to. They are there to help.

amy55

amberly,


I don't think I ever responded to you before. So wanted to say welcome. I'm so glad that you are really starting to talk about things and getting things out.

What you are talking about is an abusive relationship. I know when I was in one, I was afraid to talk about things and I was isolating myself. And of course, always defending my ex. I also think you will be OK in court, but I also think you should start to look for help for yourself. Here is good, DV is good. Just keep talking about things, because you are not crazy, even though you may feel that way at times.

You found a place where people can relate to what you are going through.

(((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
amy

amberly

Thank you Amy. I have isolated myself. To the point where I have alienated my family and literally have no friends. Ugh that sounds so pathetic.

And the sad thing is I am still sugar coating the real story. It just tears me up.

I am so very thankful for this forum. I suck at in person stuff and I have already gotten such great insight from people and there experiences here.

amy55

I also sugar coated everything, I did this to the point where every couple wanted to be us. Isolated also. Didn't want to go to family things because I knew it was an hour in the car with him by myself, and while there he would act the good husband type thing, while the rest of the time he was just horrible. Was afraid that no one would ever believe me.

I wanted to live in denial, but I couldn't anymore. I was the one seeking out mental help. I was the one taking anti depressants. I realized that no matter what mental help I received, or what anti depressants I could take, it wasn't going to change him.

I really am glad that you are talking about you now. "You" are the person that is important. I'm here for you.

((((((((((hugs))))))))
amy

amberly

Oh I hear you- I was actually in a mental health facility because of this. Locked up wearing soft clothing and shoes with no laces. I am the one with a psychiatrist and a therapist. I amthe one on meds. I am the one who had OD'ed because I did not want to hear his voice anymore. Oh- it feels really good to get that out, but also really intense.

amy55

I was also taken to ER for a suicide attempt. (actually just wanted to be able to sleep, couldn't do that anymore). Went through IOP for situational depression. Seen psychiatrists, and therapists. Just want you to know that you are not alone. I felt I was crazy, everyone told me that. So I must be. No one could understand what I was listening to everyday. I slept in my car in the garage most nights, because I was too afraid to go into my house. I knew that fights would just start up again.

You really did find a safe place here. I want to say one thing though about that, don't ever let him know you come here, and clear history and cookies. OK???

You can speak freely here. No one will judge you. I should know. No one judged me.

again, welcome.

amy

LexieCat

You aren't crazy. Living with abuse can make you FEEL like you are, but your reactions are actually very normal for what you are living with.

I've known many, many survivors of domestic violence who have gone on to have happy, stable lives again. It doesn't happen overnight, but it starts by taking care of yourself. That means surrounding yourself with all the support and resources you can, until you are strong enough and safe enough to stand on your own.

We've all got your back, here, and there are local advocates who can hook you up with support groups for survivors and other kinds of help. Anyone can become a victim. It's nothing to be ashamed of.

amberly

Thank you again Amy. I won't tell him about the forum. Partially because it is none of his business and could come to no good. And partially because I am sad that what I write would hurt his feelings (yes I have a long way to go).

I have actually slept in my car in my garage and on the floor at work. And in my car at random parking lots. I really did think I was the only one who didn't want to sleep in my own house. Thank you and I am so sorry you had to go through that. Have a peaceful night and weekend. I will be sending warm thoughts your way.