SwiftHeart

I having been living with my parents for the last month. Basically, since I walked in on my alcoholic husband with another woman (he was sober at the time).

He has shown various levels of not entirely convincing remorse.

Now, as of two days ago, he says he wants to work it out and thought that's what we were planning all along. ?

Says he hasn't had contact with the other woman.

He says he's not getting drunk anymore. Hasn't had a drink in a week.

I don't really believe any of it.

I want to. I want to believe he can change. I want to believe all of this can become this god-awful storm we weathered, a dark mark on an otherwise bright history.

It isn't.

I know this because he is still liking other girls' pictures on facebook. When confronted, he said he would stop. But someone who felt bad for cheating, someone who had been liking photos of the other woman a few weeks ago, would not be doing this.

I know this because he is still mad at me for various incomprehensible reasons.

I know this because he still believes the world revolves around him. Instead of being grateful that my parents did not set fire to the belongings he had stored on their property, he was angry that they insisted on transferring those belongings to his residence. It was inconvenient for him. He didn't have time for it that day. It's not a necessity.

He is trying to say different things. He is trying to act in a different way. But he is the exact same person I walked in on, naked, with another woman. He is the exact same person who said "you knew I was unhappy" while he stood there naked. Like it was my fault . . . for believing his lies. For believing him when he told me he wanted to work it out, there's no one else, I'll stop drinking, etc.


I feel like an anvil is going to have to fall straight out of the sky onto my head before the truth really hits home.

I'm married to sociopath.

There is no hope.

There never, ever was.

suki44883

I'm so sorry, SwiftHeart, that you are going through this. It's a very heart breaking situation. However, it sounds to me like you are seeing through him and his lies. Chances are that his new found love has given the old heave ho! Now, he comes crawling back to you, thinking you will welcome him back with open arms.

You sound strong and resolved not to buy into his quacking. That's what it is...quacking. Saying what he thinks you want to hear so you'll be so thankful that he has finally come to his senses.

Pffftt...

SwiftHeart

Yep. It turns out his girlfriend is married. I'm thinking about contacting her husband. I actually have a video of her trying to get out of our house after I busted them together. *sigh*

It's felt like quacking when I talked about the drinking. For a few years now, he's been quacking about not getting drunk anymore. About quitting if he can't stop getting drunk. Then he gets drunk. Then he's mad at me for being upset about his drinking. Then he's sorry. Promises. Aaaand . . . he's drunk again.

This whole infidelity thing is new . . . to me anyway. I had doubts here and there but he always seemed so totally in love with me. Said all the right things. Bought me flowers. Always wanted me with him.

The last year has been utter garbage though.

I am worried if I don't get a divorce that I will wake up in another 6 years and find myself in the exact same position. 12 years in the whole. Older, more worn down, more confused and miserable. Maybe with all new STDs I can't get rid of (he gave me chlamydia a few months ago).

I just need to file and get it over with. I need to tear my own heart out and throw it out the window if I have to. I have to get out of this mess.

Thomas45

See, I was about to give her the benefit of the doubt and say that maybe she got blindsided by his cheating nature, and took off when she realized he had a wife. But that's just something else entirely.

How does this even happen, do people pay annual membership fees into some kind of 'infidelity-r-us' business to meet like-minded adulterous people?

SwiftHeart

Right?

In a way, it feels like karmic whiplash for me.

He was married when we met, but he moved out within two weeks and filed for divorce.

He'd told me it was a sexless marriage. A business deal. Loveless and hopeless and that he'd only stayed this longfor the kids.

I didn't buy it at first, but when he moved out and filed for divorce I figured he'd been telling the truth.

So, in a way, I kinda have this coming. And I was ready to think he'd told her all the lies he told me and she believed them for the same reasons I did.

Then she blew me a kiss through her window when she got into her car minutes after I walked in on her naked with my husband (yes, I have this on tape). And she turned out to be married. And apparently she gave her husband an STD a few months ago.

I really, truly hope this means my karmic debt has been paid.

I don't know how much more I can take.

dandylion

SwiftHeart.....Going through a divorce and the usual grieving over the lost relationship will be small compared to living through the misery that you have been going through.
It will be short-term pain for long-term gain. The pain of living with a cheater alcoholic who is no where near recovery goes on forever...and, only gets worse.

They almost always come crawling back, don't they???

You sound like you can see what is going on. Even now he is quacking!!

There comes a point when you just gotta do what you gotta do.

dandylion

redatlanta

I am not much of a believer in Karma. That spins too much out there in the realm of sitting on your ass and not taking care of things you should because the Universe will do it for you.

Did you get what's coming to you? I would say no.....what you got is a replication of his behavior in his first marriage. "If they will do it with you they will do it to you". I bet his first wife is grateful you came along. He is lousy relationship material. Most likely if you give this another go you will be living "Groundhog Day" redux. If he could leave a marriage once in two weeks time period because he met someone else HE WILL DO THAT TO YOU. I am not suggesting you contact his first wife she may not be favorable to that. If you did you might find out they actually had a very active sex life and that she was blindsided by his leaving. Or you may find out that they didn't have a sex life because she had found him cheating and perhaps he also gave her an STD also.

This guy is a skipping record.

As for sending the video my advice would be not to, at least not for now. It has the potential to bring more chaos in your life. People are nuts. Blowing you a kiss through the window is a pretty sociopathic as well. You are living with your parents you don't need infuriated husbands and wives showing up on their doorstep. You don't need that woman deciding to make your life a living hell because you exposed her. Focus on you right now.

Your husband's behavior is NOT due to his alcoholism. I can promise you its not. This guy has issues so deep it would take a lot of years and a lot of willing therapy to unravel (if it could be). That he is telling you he will stop drinking is the smallest, most infinitesimal piece of his puzzle. Sociopaths are rare, they also do not respond to rehabilitation. He could also have narcissistic personality disorder, Borderline personality disorder, sex addiction.

I think its very accurate you could wake up 6 years later, beat to hell and back and still be in the same position. I would be more apt to say 6 months I don't think he has it in him to be on best behavior for 6 years.

fluffyflea

Siiiiggggghhhhhhh, honestly the depths they will sink to to not take responsibility for ANYTHING they say or do.

Anyways, NONE OF IT IS TRUE what he is saying!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

fluffyflea

And his behaviour is totally separate from Alcoholism, even if he stopped drinking he's still be a cheat and a liar.

fluffyflea

Are you able to detach with total rage? And file for divorce?

Hawks

gambled and lost on a shaky bet with a dud pay out.

"Fool me once......... "

Duckygirl1

Thomas45-- there is actually a club for cheaters. It's called Ashely Madison. It's where lying, cheating pieces of crap go to meet online. There's also craigslist, POF, let's see hmmmm trying to think of all the places my xabf used to troll for skanks.

Anyway, Swiftheart, you know he's lying. You know he cheats, you know he hasn't changed and never will. You know that your focus MUST be saving your sanity. The changes a divorce brings are nothing compared to the hell he wants you to live in. As for the vid, save it for your lawyer.

TJD912

I was in the same boat as you. As a result of his relapse (blamed on me), his affair with his married co worker (blamed on me...and refused to find a job somewhere else) and sober/relapse roller coaster, I finally realized the kids and I deserved better (blended family). No, it will never change and it will never get better. Any time he was not "getting what he needed" from me, two things happened: he gas lighted me, and he started arguments about how I am the problem and to blame for his issues (including why he was caught talking to her again at a colleague's retirement party that I knew nothing about, sitting together all cute having cake). It's enough to drive a sane person crazy. You will possibly start defending him to others if he charms you back into his life to ensure they know nothing of this humiliating craziness...and really...what's he got that you need? You're sad, you're waiting for the anvil, you're with a cheater, you're debating everything that comes out of his mouth, he's putting half effort in at best to get you back...and here's the crux of it. You married someone who doesn't exist. He charms you now because he charmed you in the beginning. Like me, perhaps you hope and unconsciously wait for that charmer to come back. He won't. What you see now is what you will get. It's what you will always get. My kids and I have our own pretty place and the sanity is slowly coming back. I'm sure I have PTSD. But I have it in my own place, we have peace, and no alcoholic craziness. It's amazing how much the mind can handle...but it'll take a while to undo the damage.

You do deserve better...

LexieCat

I think your initial instinct to put this marriage behind you was a good one. I'm not buying his "sorry" as demonstrating any real remorse or determination to change.

Stay out of the other woman's life. No good can possibly come from that.

I'd work on healing YOUR heart and moving on so you can eventually be in a relationship where you are valued and respected.

Hugs,

maia1234

SH- I am sorry. Good for you to have moved out and let him wallow in his own pitty by himself (or with someone else). You will never be able to trust him, so waiting for that day will never happen. The old saying "when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time!!"

Walk away and get your life together. Don't wait for him as he will only hold you back. My X was caught sexting his girlfriend by her husband. I finally contacted him and told him that I found something between them 4 months prior. He told me he wished that I had contacted him and he new about it. So I know everyone here is saying not to let him know, but I would have wanted to know, as did my X's girlfriends husband. Your call.

IMO -I would go no contact and file for divorce.

gettingstronger

Reading your posts, I just want this to be over for you. You deserve so much better than this. There is nothing you could have done to merit his *extremely* bad behavior. Keep your guard up. He will muster up his best behavior to suck you back in. But he's shown that he can't sustain good behavior without changing his mindset, for any length of time. (Really -- what married man needs to be told that they shouldn't be liking other women's photos on Facebook?)

When my AH and I met with a therapist for the first time, at the end of the session, she turned to me and said, "you have over-tolerated". She asked me to think about why I have been staying.

I just want you to know that you deserve so much better than this. Tight, tight hugs!

zoso77

The funny thing about men like your husband is they truly believe that if they appear to turn on a dime and renounce their previous behavior and indiscretions, people will believe them.

Eff that. Eff him. His recklessness is a function of his narcissism and his arrogance.

As much as I hate to see marriages fall apart, sometimes a giri's gotta do what a girl's gotta do. Lawyer up, divorce him, and put him and his BS in your rearview mirror.

marie1960

Strongly agree with lexie, stay out of the other woman's life, and concentrate on healing you.

If you are done, be done. Cut the cord, move forward in your life, and do not look back.

He has shown you who he is, and now you get to decide if you believe him. His actions say it all, his words are meaningless.

Pick yourself up, brush yourself off, and go forward, to hell with both of them!

Hugs, sweets.

fluffyflea

As my friend said to me yesterday

"He has shown you who he is, BELIEVE HIM."

lillamy

There should honestly be a special support group for us women who have realized we married sociopaths.

And what someone here said about how you should treat people with narcissistic personality disorder rings true here, too: "With great compassion. From a great distance."

It's obviously up to you what you want to do with his newfound remorse. But I wouldn't assign to it the value of the paper it was written on.