My estranged AH ... found dead
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
I am so sorry for the situation HE put you in. It's just so selfish. I think I've only seen one other suggestion that you decline having to deal with his literal crap. He died doing what he did best. I just hope you weren't tied to him still legally where the bill collectors will come after you. You sound like you still cared for him and for that I'm sorry. You probably cared about what it should have been but never was.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Los Angeles, California
Posts: 8,326
Erin, I am so sorry. This is just a vicious disease, so many innocents in the front row seats.
You might ask the funeral director/ coroners office for referrals to help you with the legal aspects. Its very helpful to get a good number of copies of the death certificate. Send them to the creditors and see if they will let it go. The district attorney's office might be able to advise you, I don't know but it's worth a call. Or the County Clerks office.
I hope you'll stay with us here on SR. You might want to get some bereavement counseling for yourself, please know you didn't cause this, couldnt control it. You are not guilty of anything but loving a man who was sick.
Hugs to you, I hope you will find some comfort here.
Love from Lenina
You might ask the funeral director/ coroners office for referrals to help you with the legal aspects. Its very helpful to get a good number of copies of the death certificate. Send them to the creditors and see if they will let it go. The district attorney's office might be able to advise you, I don't know but it's worth a call. Or the County Clerks office.
I hope you'll stay with us here on SR. You might want to get some bereavement counseling for yourself, please know you didn't cause this, couldnt control it. You are not guilty of anything but loving a man who was sick.
Hugs to you, I hope you will find some comfort here.
Love from Lenina
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Erin I hope you or his estate can afford to get the flat cleaned out and you don't have to do it. There's often something left even after we detach from an ex, and your hurt is natural.
That he died in such a way is so sad. Some people just can't shake the addiction, or they think they're bullet proof.
Do you have some family or friends who can support you? If the estate allows, you might even be able to hire someone to help.
That he died in such a way is so sad. Some people just can't shake the addiction, or they think they're bullet proof.
Do you have some family or friends who can support you? If the estate allows, you might even be able to hire someone to help.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 182
I'm so sorry for your loss and for the position you find yourself in now. I can't imagine the pain this situation must have opened up in you. Please remember you didn't cause this and there was nothing you could have done to fix it. I agree if there is a way to resign your personal representive duties that might be the healthiest decision for you. So sorry you are going through this. (((Hugs)))
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Erin,
I'm so sorry Erin for your loss. It must be difficult to equalize the good memories and the potential you know he had within him with his life outcome strewn around an apartment.
Peace to all who loved him. Peace to you as you handle the cold reality of his estate.
I'm so sorry Erin for your loss. It must be difficult to equalize the good memories and the potential you know he had within him with his life outcome strewn around an apartment.
Peace to all who loved him. Peace to you as you handle the cold reality of his estate.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I'm very sorry for your loss, Erin. It must have been really horrifying and depressing to go through that apartment.
You should talk with a lawyer as soon as you can. I don't know your family situation (whether you have children, for instance) or whether you had property or debts that you shared. You should be able to decline responsibility for administering his estate if it won't harm you financially.
Many hugs,
You should talk with a lawyer as soon as you can. I don't know your family situation (whether you have children, for instance) or whether you had property or debts that you shared. You should be able to decline responsibility for administering his estate if it won't harm you financially.
Many hugs,
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
how tragic....for how his life ended and for all you now are left to with....I hope you seek some grief counseling or similar support as you walk thru this next phase. and also seek some legal counsel to guide you through the estate process and provide a barrier between you any creditors. my attorney was a godsend when I was dealing with my mother's estate.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Washington
Posts: 54
Wow, thanks for the glimps into my future. I've been waiting for the "dreaded" call myself. Don't know where AH is but figure once his addiction takes him I'll know. It is a horrible situation and no one should have to deal with it. Yet, here we all are. Please find comfort in our experience, strength, and hope. Do you have your own support? Think about attending al-anon. It has been great support for me and others: you may find what you need too. This forum is awesome. People genuinely care. Keep coming back
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 667
Erin,
I'm sorry that you are faced with this. While I understand your perception about a core group here, don't let that deter you from coming here. There are many that can share experiences with you that won't care about what any core group has to say to deter you.
I am afraid I will get the same type call someday about my brother. While none in the family know if he is an addict, he is always compromised in major ways in his life. Noone including his kids want to have anything to do with him. I am reluctant to have any dealings with him as it usually results in a frustrating spiral of wasted energy. My mom has finally cut him off and has severed any liabilities to him.
Someday one of us will get a call saying his dead and come handle his final affairs. Like somehow we are obligated somehow.
Hope you get through this as quickly and sanely as possible. It won't be fun nor rewarding. Lots of people here can help you feel that without judging you.
I'm sorry that you are faced with this. While I understand your perception about a core group here, don't let that deter you from coming here. There are many that can share experiences with you that won't care about what any core group has to say to deter you.
I am afraid I will get the same type call someday about my brother. While none in the family know if he is an addict, he is always compromised in major ways in his life. Noone including his kids want to have anything to do with him. I am reluctant to have any dealings with him as it usually results in a frustrating spiral of wasted energy. My mom has finally cut him off and has severed any liabilities to him.
Someday one of us will get a call saying his dead and come handle his final affairs. Like somehow we are obligated somehow.
Hope you get through this as quickly and sanely as possible. It won't be fun nor rewarding. Lots of people here can help you feel that without judging you.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: My Happy Place
Posts: 700
You are in my thoughts Erin.
I too expect to find my x in the same situation in a few years. Substitute the crisp white wine for whisky. I also had to let him go completely just as you did. My own sanity was at risk. Big time. I hope you don't feel any guilt for that.
I was left having to clean up his mess after he was put in jail and evicted from his residence. It was a nightmare. If you can get his own family to at least help you that would take some of the burden off you.
I too expect to find my x in the same situation in a few years. Substitute the crisp white wine for whisky. I also had to let him go completely just as you did. My own sanity was at risk. Big time. I hope you don't feel any guilt for that.
I was left having to clean up his mess after he was put in jail and evicted from his residence. It was a nightmare. If you can get his own family to at least help you that would take some of the burden off you.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
I thought about this post when I woke up this morning.
And I thought about my friend, who had to clean up her mother's apartment after her death.
And I thought about how she had nobody to help her. No husband, no boyfriend, no friends (I was 10,000 miles away or I would have been there). When she asked authorities if there was any social services that could help, they basically just scratched their heads.
And I thought, if I had been in that situation, felt so alone and so heartbroken, I wouldn't have expected anyone anywhere to be supportive and help me.
Not to "armchair analyze" you, Erin, but I don't see your expectation to not be heard as hurtful to this community. I think it's probably just your experiences of how much assistance, help, and support you've received so far.
I hope you come back to see that you are cared for here.
And I thought about my friend, who had to clean up her mother's apartment after her death.
And I thought about how she had nobody to help her. No husband, no boyfriend, no friends (I was 10,000 miles away or I would have been there). When she asked authorities if there was any social services that could help, they basically just scratched their heads.
And I thought, if I had been in that situation, felt so alone and so heartbroken, I wouldn't have expected anyone anywhere to be supportive and help me.
Not to "armchair analyze" you, Erin, but I don't see your expectation to not be heard as hurtful to this community. I think it's probably just your experiences of how much assistance, help, and support you've received so far.
I hope you come back to see that you are cared for here.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,781
I'm sorry you are going through this. I also agree that you can decline the role of estate administrator, I actually just spoke at length with a local estate attorney about this issue for a client.
I know the laws change from state to state so definitely check into it locally; but don't feel one bit guilty if you decide to turn this over to the court & let them appoint a professional who doesn't have any emotional tie to this situation so you can move forward in your grieving.
I know the laws change from state to state so definitely check into it locally; but don't feel one bit guilty if you decide to turn this over to the court & let them appoint a professional who doesn't have any emotional tie to this situation so you can move forward in your grieving.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
Erin, I don't know how or what to say to express the depth of my compassion for you as you have to go through this terrible devastating experience.
I am so very sorry for the loss of his life during his life and now again during the aftermath of his death.
It seems that too many of us here on SoberRecovery have experienced similar losses, and while I have no direct experience with the death of a once beloved alcoholic, I hope that you will come here often and take in the sustenance that those who have lived through this nightmare have to offer you.
You are cared for, and as your loss resonates with others who have lived through this, may you find support and encouragement here to take care of yourself and not succumb to immersion in the devastation he created in the end of his life. You have the right to a happy fulfilled life even if he couldn't create one for himself.
You are welcome here, and you are valued.
ShootingStar1
I am so very sorry for the loss of his life during his life and now again during the aftermath of his death.
It seems that too many of us here on SoberRecovery have experienced similar losses, and while I have no direct experience with the death of a once beloved alcoholic, I hope that you will come here often and take in the sustenance that those who have lived through this nightmare have to offer you.
You are cared for, and as your loss resonates with others who have lived through this, may you find support and encouragement here to take care of yourself and not succumb to immersion in the devastation he created in the end of his life. You have the right to a happy fulfilled life even if he couldn't create one for himself.
You are welcome here, and you are valued.
ShootingStar1
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Hello and welcome to our forum.
I am so very sorry for your tragic loss. Just because you have to separate from someone does not make the feelings you had for them go away. Your loss must be tragic, and the pressure of having to go through this process now must be overwhelming. I agree, counseling would most likely really help you. Don't let anyone push you around, you are not responsible for his debts under any circumstances.
Hugs to you. Please feel free to post as often as you would like, I think this forum will be of great support to you.
I am so very sorry for your tragic loss. Just because you have to separate from someone does not make the feelings you had for them go away. Your loss must be tragic, and the pressure of having to go through this process now must be overwhelming. I agree, counseling would most likely really help you. Don't let anyone push you around, you are not responsible for his debts under any circumstances.
Hugs to you. Please feel free to post as often as you would like, I think this forum will be of great support to you.
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