My estranged AH ... found dead
Erin...I am so sorry for your loss and all the things you have gone through and are going through now. I hate alcohol...it shatters lives and families...and leaves the leftovers just as you described it.
You are not alone...I once wondered about the support here too...and it took me a long time to post...and then I retreated and then posted again...it turned out to be much of my fear...the fear of rejection and abandonment from deep inside...a lifetime of alcoholics.
I hope you keep coming back and posting...post it all...it is ok...everyone needs to be able to get it out.
You are not alone.
You are not alone...I once wondered about the support here too...and it took me a long time to post...and then I retreated and then posted again...it turned out to be much of my fear...the fear of rejection and abandonment from deep inside...a lifetime of alcoholics.
I hope you keep coming back and posting...post it all...it is ok...everyone needs to be able to get it out.
You are not alone.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 837
Erin, I'm so sorry for your loss and the way you found his apartment brings back the memory of finding my ex's apartment the same way, ugh, but mine didn't die he was rushed to the hospital so many times I don't remember how many anymore. When a service came in to clean up they asked me if someone was butchered in the apartment. I am waiting for that emminant call myself and someday my ex will have peace as yours is now. Please take care of yourself and come back here for support.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 26
Last year I went to visit my ex while he was in the process of moving. He lived in a tiny apartment and all of it was trashed. There were piles of take out food containers in his room, on his bed, in the kitchen. There were living and dead bugs everywhere. It was horrible and devastating to see him living like that. I helped him clean a little. I knew it was part of my own illness to want to help, to need to help, but I couldn't not help. I will always love him. I will always want him to love himself even though I know deep down he doesn't. I understand caring about someone but keeping your distance to protect yourself. Detachment is a daily decision for me.
I don't have anything to say that will help with your pain or your loss. It's my biggest fear that one day my ex will die and it will be weeks or even months before I find out. I think it takes a lot of strength and courage to do what you did for yourself and your husband. Thank You for sharing your story.
I don't have anything to say that will help with your pain or your loss. It's my biggest fear that one day my ex will die and it will be weeks or even months before I find out. I think it takes a lot of strength and courage to do what you did for yourself and your husband. Thank You for sharing your story.
I have to say that the initial posting left me feeling a bit defensive. This from lillamy helped me "get it":
I'll join the long list of well-wishers, which I hope you do return to see. I sincerely hope you find some peace and healing. I believe we at SR can help w/that, if you let us.
And I thought, if I had been in that situation, felt so alone and so heartbroken, I wouldn't have expected anyone anywhere to be supportive and help me.
Not to "armchair analyze" you, Erin, but I don't see your expectation to not be heard as hurtful to this community. I think it's probably just your experiences of how much assistance, help, and support you've received so far.
I hope you come back to see that you are cared for here.
Not to "armchair analyze" you, Erin, but I don't see your expectation to not be heard as hurtful to this community. I think it's probably just your experiences of how much assistance, help, and support you've received so far.
I hope you come back to see that you are cared for here.
Erin, I'm so sorry that this is happening. On the one hand, you left to take care of yourself. And now? It's all right back in your lap! Like some reoccurring nightmare!
I can relate... In my early twenties I was married to a man who was a recovering crack addict and alcoholic, and later he developed a sort of schizophrenia and so began his pill popping career. I had left him, as he was one scary person to be around.... My lawyer could never find him to get the divorce finalized, so I stayed "legally" married to him.
Two years later, the DAY my restraining order lifted against him, he showed up at my job. I looked at him and said, "No!" and I went and hid, and he was escorted out of the building. And two weeks later, he was found dead in his van in a neighboring city. The results for the autopsy were also inconclusive but they "found an empty bottle of pills" next to him.
I felt an odd sadness, I felt guilt, I felt relief, and all sorts of other weird emotions I couldn't put my finger on.
I wasn't left with any of his debt, but the call came to take my official statement, and I found out that he had a different name than I knew him by, and was also 5 years older than I thought he was. Yeah.... NEVER really knew him at all.
And so the next set of emotions became, "what is wrong with me???"
I'm still working on that answer, or rather, I am now working on a better question.
My heart goes out to you. My only suggestion would be to get support for the days you have to spend physically being there around his things, and take this as slowly as possible, and don't get who you are or how you feel entangled up in the mess he left. It's his mess. It was his life. It was his journey. And, if at all possible, detach from any responsibility you possibly can. My late husband's parents stepped in to take care of most of the necessary procedures.
I can relate... In my early twenties I was married to a man who was a recovering crack addict and alcoholic, and later he developed a sort of schizophrenia and so began his pill popping career. I had left him, as he was one scary person to be around.... My lawyer could never find him to get the divorce finalized, so I stayed "legally" married to him.
Two years later, the DAY my restraining order lifted against him, he showed up at my job. I looked at him and said, "No!" and I went and hid, and he was escorted out of the building. And two weeks later, he was found dead in his van in a neighboring city. The results for the autopsy were also inconclusive but they "found an empty bottle of pills" next to him.
I felt an odd sadness, I felt guilt, I felt relief, and all sorts of other weird emotions I couldn't put my finger on.
I wasn't left with any of his debt, but the call came to take my official statement, and I found out that he had a different name than I knew him by, and was also 5 years older than I thought he was. Yeah.... NEVER really knew him at all.
And so the next set of emotions became, "what is wrong with me???"
I'm still working on that answer, or rather, I am now working on a better question.
My heart goes out to you. My only suggestion would be to get support for the days you have to spend physically being there around his things, and take this as slowly as possible, and don't get who you are or how you feel entangled up in the mess he left. It's his mess. It was his life. It was his journey. And, if at all possible, detach from any responsibility you possibly can. My late husband's parents stepped in to take care of most of the necessary procedures.
Thank you so much to all who took the time to respond.
No, I have never gotten support where AH was concerned, particularly from his family. They had a real it's-not-our-problem stance. So I was left to handle it alone.
People have every right to their opinions. If I come across as negative or defensive, it's a result of the walls I built to protect myself from more rejection. I tend to anticipate it before it happens, after going through it so much.
I'll take what I need and leave the rest.
I think I'm pretty much done dealing with the mess he left. Right now, I have to learn to accept that I will never make sense of the insanity of alcoholism.
I cannot fathom living in filth and squalor like that. It appears AH lived on cigarettes and boxed wine (with some bottled wine thrown into the mix) the last month or so of his life. The coroner told me my AH weighed 80 pounds when the autopsy was performed.
I had finally made peace going no contact. Several months ago, I could honestly say to myself, "I wish him well." I went through so much trauma living with the disease for so long. And to see where he spent his final days ... well, the feelings of anxiety, depression, and overall unease are back.
The only way through this is through this. I have committed myself to working a strong Al-Anon program once again. I realize, just like the alcoholic, if I let my recovery slip I will go back down into that dark rabbit hole.
Again, thank you so much to everyone who responded and those who PM'd me. I'll be back for support soon.
No, I have never gotten support where AH was concerned, particularly from his family. They had a real it's-not-our-problem stance. So I was left to handle it alone.
People have every right to their opinions. If I come across as negative or defensive, it's a result of the walls I built to protect myself from more rejection. I tend to anticipate it before it happens, after going through it so much.
I'll take what I need and leave the rest.
I think I'm pretty much done dealing with the mess he left. Right now, I have to learn to accept that I will never make sense of the insanity of alcoholism.
I cannot fathom living in filth and squalor like that. It appears AH lived on cigarettes and boxed wine (with some bottled wine thrown into the mix) the last month or so of his life. The coroner told me my AH weighed 80 pounds when the autopsy was performed.
I had finally made peace going no contact. Several months ago, I could honestly say to myself, "I wish him well." I went through so much trauma living with the disease for so long. And to see where he spent his final days ... well, the feelings of anxiety, depression, and overall unease are back.
The only way through this is through this. I have committed myself to working a strong Al-Anon program once again. I realize, just like the alcoholic, if I let my recovery slip I will go back down into that dark rabbit hole.
Again, thank you so much to everyone who responded and those who PM'd me. I'll be back for support soon.
Hugs and support to you, Erin. My mother in law was found like that 2 years ago. Alcoholism is such a painful disease for anyone affected by it. So very sorry for your loss and for what you have experienced as a result of it.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
my Xhusband died in his sleep at age 54 of alcohol related cardiac issues....but he was found by his mother as he had moved in with her. he died in 2009 and had not worked since 2001....he left a huge mess for our daughter, his only child. IRS lien on one of the houses, she told me he had not filed taxes since we divorced in 1987! again with the filth in both of the houses he owned and an underground oil tank, neglected everything. When she was cleaning his one house to sell she found over $20K in uncashed checks from stock dividends, which paid off a lot of the tax issues. it was a huge convoluted mess she had to deal with at age 29.
I only mention this so you are sure not to overlook what might help pay the bills. I am so very sorry for your loss and what you had to see. Good that you have a place to vent, which is what SR is for also, support. I have been here 5 years and it is a daily place for me in several areas. I have as true friends here as I do FTF.
Please continue to post and participate.
I only mention this so you are sure not to overlook what might help pay the bills. I am so very sorry for your loss and what you had to see. Good that you have a place to vent, which is what SR is for also, support. I have been here 5 years and it is a daily place for me in several areas. I have as true friends here as I do FTF.
Please continue to post and participate.
Erin - I'm so sorry for your loss and that none of the family is supportive. I'm glad that you are going to al-anon. As you can see, sadly, you are not alone. For me it wasn't my spouse, but my stepmother. I found her early enough to attempt CPR, too late for it to do any good.
I do hope you continue to read and post here as we do care and we are here for you.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I do hope you continue to read and post here as we do care and we are here for you.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Erin...I am so, so sorry for your loss. This is heartbreaking.
Please keep us posted as to how you're doing in the days and weeks to come.
Please keep us posted as to how you're doing in the days and weeks to come.
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