theuncertainty

Sending hugs, Butterfly. Your post reminds me so much of what how I felt as I was trying to untangle myself from AXH.

AXH was emotionally abusive. He's charming, athletic, hard-working, a master manipulator, talented at gas-lighting without even seeming to be aware that he does it. And I loved him. We were together off and on for about 16 years. If the divorce had taken just a couple weeks more, we would have 'celebrated' our 10 year wedding anniversary. I lost so much of who I was as I struggled to figure out why he did what he did. I was constantly worrying, wondering WHY was he so sad/mad/disappointed/angry; I was so joyful when he was happy or seemed content. I wondered often what had I done *this* time. I kept on second guessing myself, “If only I had...” or “Maybe if I …” By the end of our relationship, who I was and how I felt was completely tangled up in him.

When I was struggling with the end of our relationship, I worried that I had made him so miserable and made it so impossible for him to leave, that he became abusive or caused him to drink. I looked back over the course of the years and I saw so many instances that could have been his attempts to leave, where I felt like maybe I just didn’t let go, so he stuck around. I began obsessing with the “if I had just let him go, maybe he would have left and we’d have both be happier” scenarios. After discussing the idea (a lot) with my therapist, it boils down to: He was free to leave at any time. I didn’t force him to stay. I didn’t blackmail him into staying. He could have left. People do it every day. If he didn’t have the courage to tell me to my face that it was done, he could have just left without telling me. His staying wasn’t my fault. His behavior and the escalating abuse and drinking weren’t my fault.

You mentioned an OD and it sounds like you’re trying to convince yourself that it was an attempt to manipulate him. I know that my suicidal thoughts towards the end of my relationship with AXH were not an attempt to manipulate him. They were me trying to deal with such intense emotional pain and despair, for such a prolonged period of time, that there only seemed to be one way out. If you were hurting so bad that you just wanted it to stop, it wasn’t an attempt to manipulate him.

There is no making sense of why he was abusive, or of why an alcoholic does what they do in order to protect their addiction. I firmly believe this. And I firmly believe, Butterfly, that there is NOTHING you could have done to warrant how he’s treated you. You did not cause his drinking.

Please know that the pain gets less and less. It might be that you don’t really notice how much it's decreasing at the time, but one day you’ll look around and realize that curious sensation that you’ve been feeling is the lack of pain and you feel ... OK. It's possible to re-find your strength. I did. You will.

LemonGirl

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way Butterfly... I know it may seem like this is the way it is, but it actually isn't. It is okay to be sad and to take your part, but it is more important to love yourself... I feel like some self forgiveness may be in order and also some perspective, especially for how he treated you. I know you are no-where near this one, but....: you are free. I hope you can embrace that freedom with a new sense of hope.

suncatcher

Butterfly I am thinking of you. I pray you are safe. I wish I could just knock on your door and come in, make a pot if tea or coffee and just be a good friend and listen. I do hope you post soon so I know you are safe. Your post did concern me and I just wanted to check in. Hope we all hear from you soon, butterfly.

Butterfly

thank you everyone, I think I have hit bottom and cant get up again. I feel so sad and tearful.

I keep blaming myself as its the only explaination I can come up with as to why he has just completely ignored me, refuses to speak to me, and treats me as though I never mattered he never treated me this way before and I cant get my head around it.

FireSprite

Adding my well wishes Butterfly, I hope to see you back around here soon. It's normal to have ups & downs throughout recovery but try not to get too stuck in the down cycle.

Did you meet anybody at your new al-anon meeting that you can call to meet you for coffee & conversation? Anybody you can reach out to until you get yourself to a better place mentally? ((((((hugs))))))

LexieCat

Every single thing you mentioned is READILY explained by the fact that he is an alcoholic. You are analyzing this WAY too much.

Have you ever heard of "Occam's Razor"? Here's how it is explained in Wikipedia: "The principle states that among competing hypotheses, the one with the fewest assumptions should be selected. Other, more complicated solutions may ultimately prove correct, but—in the absence of certainty—the fewer assumptions that are made, the better."

You are looking for additional causes that are NOT NEEDED to explain his actions. It's all in the alcoholism.

theuncertainty

It's not the only reason there is. I know in my relationship I was so used to taking the blame for everything: AXH was angry, it must have been something I did, or didn't do. AXH was drinking again, it must have been because I did something to hurt him. Etc. Taking the blame is what I knew how to do by the end of our relationship. So, the fact that he opted to cheat with another woman instead of seeking help for his addiction, well, if I'd just tried harder to reassure him while we were apart, he wouldn't have cheated, right? If I'd just tried to be more like the wife he said he wanted, it would have been better between us, right?

No.

Those are just the things that I *knew* at the time that I was trying to puzzle it out. But those are things that I learned at his hands. I had *learned* that nothing was ever AXH's fault. Because I was so willing to look to myself as the problem, I never really looked at AXH and his actions, his personality, and when I did, it was just to make excuses (he didn't really mean that, he was drunk).

Being this long out now I can now look back and wonder that I didn't see it. That I didn't see how far apart our ideals and principles are. Because they are. What I still don't understand is, why he did all the crappy things that he did. His behavior doesn't make sense. I don't think it ever will.

AXH hasn't seen DS in almost 3 years. It's not DS's fault. It's not my fault. I believe AXH loves DS. But, he's more invested in protecting his addiction. He doesn't see it that way. And I don't understand it and it really has very little to do with me or DS.

Sungrl

Hi Butterfly, what are you doing for yourself today that is going to start pulling you out of this funk??

Hope it's something awesome!

SparkleKitty

Butterfly, I feel you, but whether you believe you can or believe you can't - either way, you're right. You have a choice here, even though you haven't been letting yourself see it. I know you have it in you to make a positive step, and soon. Hugs.

seasaw

Hi Butterfly, wanted to come back and see how you're doing.

I remember at the lowest valley of my codie life with my AM, I was convinced that if I had done more, helped more, proven myself to her more, made more of an effort, done a better job, held my temper, done more of what she wanted, acted less resentful, stuck up for myself less, given into what she wanted more, kept better track of things, worked harder, accomplished more, been a good daughter, a better daughter, not have disappointed her, not have BEEN disappointment in general -

- then she wouldn't have been so mean to me, she wouldn't have been so depressed, she wouldn't have threatened or attempted suicide and blamed me, she wouldn't have sunk so low so fast with her drinking and pills, she wouldn't have let food rot all over her home, she wouldn't have let her life fall apart, she wouldn't have started shoplifting -- if i had provided the love and caring she lacked she wouldn't have felt so desperate and lashed out at me and said all those mean things, she wouldn't have pushed me away over and over and then punished me when i pulled away, she wouldn't have needed to drink if i had been a better daughter, if i, if i, if i, then she, then she, then she.

does that sound like sound reasoning to you, sweet butterfly? with where you are right now you're probably thinking 'my situation is different because...'

what are you doing today to be kind to yourself, learn more, look toward the future and not be stuck in what's already happened?

xoxoxoxoxo

fluffyflea

Maybe you need some anti depressants for awhile?

Eauchiche

I certainly do not feel that you have tortured me at all. I believe others here feel the same way.
Thank You for your honesty about your feelings. It makes the rest of us realize that we are not alone, and go through common difficulties with our mates.
Keep coming back!!!

AnvilheadII

Butterfly, even if YOUR reasoning was 100% correct, you'd STILL have to accept it and move on with your life! doesn't really matter if the iceburg hit the boat or the boat hit the iceburg, same outcome.

suncatcher

Butterfly, I remember going through a time when xabf ignored my phone calls and didn't call me for months. And I did second guess myself thinking I did something wrong. I felt lonely and sad for a while. Then I started getting on with my life and found I was actually happier just living my life instead of worrying about why he wasn't calling or what he was doing etc. I read a lot of good books, listened to music, took long walks and surrounded myself with positive people who enhanced my life. Then just as I was feeling really good again he came around. Now he has a lot of health issues going on and it's me taking him to Dr appointments and hanging out with him. I care about him as a friend but I feel a little resentful too because I remember all the hurt I went through. I never want to feel that kind of anxiety and pain again. I hope you give yourself time to enjoy your life even though it's without someone you loved who was an alcoholic. You deserve to live and enjoy life. Don't blame yourself for his problems.

suncatcher

http://youtu.be/ZkcTAvaTDws this song lifted my mood when I was down. Firesprite introduced to me. I hope it makes you smile butterfly

Thomas45

Butterfly, my dear, it's exactly this kind of thinking that put me on my path to my hospital stay. I took so much blame upon myself for the breakdown of the marriage because I couldn't come up with a rational explanation as to why my ex wife was treating me the way she was. I never hit her. I never put her down, I never belittled her. I did get angry at her sometimes but it was always in response to a broken promise or something spiteful that she'd do, and yet there it was, I couldn't figure out her motivation for abandoning me so quickly so it must have been my fault, right?

Except that it wasn't my fault. And it isn't your fault. Alcoholism isn't a disease of rationality and logic. It's a disease of self-destructive behavior and fulfillment of short-term desires. It's a disease that will make a person consume enough poison to almost DIE from it because "it's fun", and then it will make that same person say, "Ugh, why is this annoying person nagging at me so much?" when someone tries to talk some sense in to them out of concern for their safety and health.

Alcoholics don't need a rational explanation to leave someone. If someone is trying to stand between the alcoholic and their addiction, they will get steamrolled sooner or later and left at the side of the road. It isn't logical to us. It isn't rational to us. It is hard for us to comprehend because we aren't in the mindset of the alcoholic. It's like trying to understand the mind of a sociopath or a narcissist - it's completely alien to us because our minds work differently than theirs. And that's what alcohol does to people over time, it turns them into temporary narcissists and sociopaths who only think so far as their own feelings and pleasures.

FeelingGreat

Hi Butterfly, you're going through the formal part of a divorce aren't you? You've refused to agree to him lying about your marital history, and you've hired a divorce lawyer. Could his behaviour be because he's angry that you're not going along with his plans?

Is this completely ignoring you a new thing? Since you both started divorcing?

NWGRITS

He's an alcoholic. That's the only reason you need. You're trying to look at this from a rational, logical perspective and alcoholism is neither of those things. You could spend the rest of your life trying to figure out the why, but it's already been put out there for you: he's an alcoholic. None of his drinking or behaviors have anything to do with you. It's all his disease and protecting the drink. It's not about you. It's not about you. It's not about you. It's about HIM because HE IS AN ALCOHOLIC. It's as simple and complicated as that. You'll save yourself a lot of heartache by accepting that fact. To continue to try to pick apart what happened would be insanity, because that answer is never going to change.

Butterfly

No in November after he told me he would be proceeding with the divorce, and all the the things he said. He said that having no contact was for the best. In fairness that was probably due to the fact that I tortured him constantly wanting answers and reassurance that he was in love with me and wanted his future with me. It was at this point he said about no contact. He hasnt spoken to me since, just the odd text about christmas contact then when he received my divorce papers and he was angry that I wasnt agreeing to what he said.

his contact with me just dwindled from when he left and then to the point where I wouldnt have heard from him unless i contacted him.

I wrote him a letter apologising for being controlling and torturing him cfor answers when he left. I explained that my controlling behaviour was out of love but wasnt right. I havent heard a thing. I shouldnt ave sent it, it is for these reasonws that I beleive its my fault.

Icouldnt just let go and on other occassions when he left he didnt treat me this way didnt ignore me or refuse to speak to me

suncatcher

So you poured your heart out in a letter and sent it? Think of it as a purging of all the things you had bottled up inside and needed to say. Some people do this and then burn the letter as a symbol of letting go. Did you write and send it hoping for a positive reaction from him? I have learned the hard way I am better off having zero expectations when it comes to xabf. Don't do anything just to win their approval or validation or a response of any kind. You will set yourself up for disappointment every time. Just focus on making yourself happy and validate yourself. He is too deep in his head with his addiction to notice anything you do. Don't be so hard on yourself.