Butterfly

sorry in work so hard to reply in detail. We had communication right up until the night he told me he didnt love me, didnt want to be with me and wanted a divorce, the following night and in the middle of th night he texted to say love you always, the next day he was drunk and I spent over 2 hours on the phone with him, he had been suspended from work, he wass aying that he was in love with me and did want to be with me but couldnt as he didnt want to or was to scared to give up drinking, how he wasnt going to let me go down the road he was heading, alcoholism and i was better off without him and the only reason he wanted the divorce was I needed to move on. The next day he was back to saying he dint love me, didnt want to be with me and wanted a divorce, I asked him nabout what he said the day before and was that all lies, he said no it wasnt lies!!! I was left thinking WTF. he said its for the best that we have no contact. from then I didnt hear from him and i didnt contact him until christams when he asked about seeing the kids open their presents. I did at that time ask him if he still felt the same way and he said nothing has changed as far as hes concerned he needs closure and so do I. then nothing until he rang me drunk to tell me he was leaving the divorce papers into my work for me.

He told me how lonely he had been and how he kept thinking about things I had done when we were separated the first time, I went out with other people, he mentioned this before also.

So we have had lmited contact since early november, probably 4 times and very brief he doesnt want to see me or speak to me and I am hurt by this, I dont know what I have done wrong and I know im driving myself nuts going over old conversations and trying to interpret them and make sense of them.

I dont know why I felt the need to deliver te letter actually if Im honest I do I wanted him to tell me he loved me and wanted to be with me and was seeking help, I didnt think he would but I still wanted it. He has just ignored it, just like me.

I know that sounds pathetic and I feel pathetic Im being all woo is me

Katchie

Big ole hugs, Butterfly. I'm so sorry you're so hurt by all of this. I've been reading and keeping up. I wish I had a magic wand and could take all of your pain away. I wish I could remove the scales from your eyes to see what the rest of us see. You are a wonderful caring person and there isn't anything wrong with that, but you have to love yourself more. You deserve so much better.

Every time I read one of your posts I see your phrases at the bottom:

God sometimes removes people from your life to protect you.......Don't run after them!


Turn the pain into power

I think you've given yourself some pretty good advice here. Won't you follow it?

Hugs sweetie...

LexieCat

You know, Butterfly, part of what we have to do is to respect other people's decisions about how they want to live their lives. Maybe on some level he realizes that ongoing contact between you isn't good for either of you. He can't be who/what you want him to be, so he's moved on. That's his RIGHT.

YOU have the right to be angry and hurt, but holding onto that hurt forever is only hurting you. You can work through that anger and hurt and come out stronger on the other side, allowing him to follow his own path, while you follow your own, much brighter path.

suncatcher

It's all a process, Butterfly. It takes time to sort things out but don't dwell in that place too long. Accept it for what it is. He is a "hardware store". You won't get your emotional needs met from him. I know it hurts. You will get there ...I'm glad you are posting and I'm glad you read lightinside's post...that makes a lot of sense! Keep reading and posting. And how was the Alanon meeting?

Eauchiche

Very good post, Thomas.
I must confess that my version of this is:
"Booze turns good people into sh**heads."

Just sayin'''

Butterfly

I didnt pour my heart out to the point about how he hurt me etc it was basically an apology for my part, How I realised that shoutig screaming and begging him to chose the ids and I over drink wasnt the right approach and he had to chose sobriety for him and only him. I told him I loved him and would be their to support him should he decide to seek recovery, but I couldnt keep fighting for someone who didnt want to be with me and fight for himself first and foremost.

Thumper

I'm sorry you are so hurt Butterfly.

You have to fight for yourself too. First and foremost. You are more than that man's wife, or ex-wife. We grieve the loss of a relationship and of love, that is normal, but *you* are not lost. You have a choice too. Choose yourself. You are worth it.

hopeful4

This honey. You know this. The more space he takes up in your head is the less space that healthy, productive thoughts have room. Please remember that.

Hugs.

suncatcher

What you said was healthy, butterfly. And I know it would be nice for him to acknowledge it but he is not capable of normal responses. There is nothing wrong with what you said in the letter and his silent treatment is part of that rejection and abandonment thing...you also had a right to be upset he was choosing drink over you and the kids. You are still in the early stages of recovery and the divorce is all just starting to unfold. You are dealing with a lot. We are here for you. All of your emotions are normal with everything happening in your life now. Be gentle with yourself.

Katiekate

Sounds like you are grieving , it feels really bad right now, but you will probably feel differently in a few days.

It's not all your fault honey, you can take responsibility for your part certainly, but not for his and the truth is the dude has responsibility.

The truth of it will all eventually reveal itself, I too offer you a big hug, this process is not over yet, there are more tears, more anger, more revelations, and more growth to come. Hang in. xx

Timeiskey

You are focusing on him. Your emotions are wrapped up in what you think you know about his feelings and perspective. The fact that he is ignoring you is controlling how you feel about yourself. He has complete control and doesn't have to do anything. No matter how you work this out in your mind, you cannot change how he acts. You cannot change how he feels. It doesn't matter. YOU MATTER. You can be the source of your happiness and life. It doesn't have to be all about him. Its hard to stop the cycle, but its time to get off the merry-go-round, its making you dizzy.

NYCDoglvr

Do you have a therapist, shrink, you can see? The end of a marriage is very traumatic and the best two things I did, Alanon and my doctor, got me through it. I used to beat myself up too, and it was depression that, in my case, was helped by antidepressants. We all need support and help, now it's your turn. You're an important part of the community, you have many fans, and we need YOUR insights! So please, take care.

Timeiskey

QUACK QUACK QUACK and an INTERMITENT CHICKEN. Come on Butterfly, we know what this is, you can get your head around this one. Try to take a step back from your emotions. Try to apply what you have learned in recovery, because you are valuable and deserving of more than the "I love you, go away- oh poor pitiful me, I gotta drink" dance.

One time when I was engaging with my exABF about three months after we had broken up, there was this moment when I remembered why I had fallen for him. I said to him, "god, there is so much love between us" and he looked me straight in the eyes with unspoken accusations, he said "love was never the problem"... there was no humility, no trace of remorse, and I realize now that it was meaningless. It doesn't matter whether he views me as the problem. It doesn't matter if there really was love there. It doesn't matter, because I am only safe and able to have the possibility of happiness and contentment in my future, if he is out of my life. Quack, Quack, Quack. I was standing there willing to make amends and try. And he offered only resentment and displaced responsibility. We can do this Butterfly. We just have to try and that sometimes means, stepping back and not following the emotion down their f****** rabbit hole.

suncatcher

It does sound like he is doing the come here go away thing. There was a thread about that ..it may be helpful to read it. I know how my axbf used to mess with my head and I let him. My head was constantly full of things he said things I said and things he never said that I longed to hear. It really is one big mind F#! $ to be in a relationship / marriage with an addict/ alcoholic. But I made it through the haze ...I'm not all the way there yet tho because I am still being the caretaker and I know he will keep taking as long as I am willing to keep caretaking. Butterfly I know you can make it through this crazy difficult time. Is there something you can do that you enjoy ..go to dinner with a friend or watch a good movie..anything to distract yourself for a while ? I bet when spring comes you will be feeling better ...until then be good to yourself

AnvilheadII

i don't see it as any different than if after we try every way we know how to reach the addict....have the talk, have another talk, beg, plead, fib, promise, detach, we come to a place where we have to distance ourselves and go NO CONTACT.

he's been telling you for years that marriage and family are not his priorities. he's been leaving for years. he tried telling you that he still loved you but wanted to drink. thought he might want to stop but wasn't sure. then he got harsh and said no he doesn't love you. he wants a divorce. and finally, when nothing seemed to get thru, went no contact. for him and FOR YOU. because the days of talking are over and now it's onto action. there is nothing left to say.

you always wanted him to do what you wanted....quit drinking, sober up and become the man you always wanted him to be. so YOU would feel ok.

now the shoe's on the other foot. he wants things, and he wants you to behave in a certain way (aka leave him be) and now you are the one fighting.

you two are like the high school jock and the stoner kid who fought all thru high school, and meet up at the 20 year class reunion and pick right up where you left off, yelling and throwing punches. it's time to grow up and let go of the past.

Butterfly

I see my counsellor once a week, I'm on anti depressants and have went to one alanon meeting. I did travel to one close by me on Monday night. I waited outside and no one came, the building was locked up, no lights so not sure whether it still runs. I do have phone numbers for a couple of people I met at my first alanon meeting and the out of hours service which is run by volunteers, but as I'm in the stage where im doubting whether he is an alcoholic, don't know if he's still drinking and as I only met these people I didn't want to ring them. I have this fear of torturing people and they then get fed up with me.

I know I keep trying to figure out how he feels and wonder what's going on for him and I know I need to start thinking without emotions when it comes to him and think about what I've learned but I didn't think his ignoring me was manipulation I just thought he was being hurtful. I never even seen that his I love you, I dont, I do was manipulation I felt hurt and confused and thought he was trying to get me to make the decision to walk away, he kept saying he didn't know how he felt from one day to the next.

but I couldnt and know what if he hadn't filed for divorce I would still be hanging on!!

Butterfly

Anvil, I wanted him sober so he would be ok, and yes so I would be ok and we could have the life we talked about and wanted!! I did plenty for him throughout our marriage, I bent over backwards to make sure he was ok, the kids didn't annoy him or make him angry I was so worried about him I didn't consider me and my own feelings!!!!

I always fought for my marriage, I never stopped!!!!

I know I tortured him when he left, I didn't understand addiction and honestly I still don't, not how they can walk away from everything for a bloody drink. I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting him to be honest and starlight with me, not I love you, I don't love you, I do, I want to stop, I don't want to stop!!!!

it's not that easy to let go of 18 years.

SparkleKitty

There isn't anything wrong with wanting someone to be straight and honest with you, Butterfly, but expecting someone to do that who has shown you time and again that they are not capable of it just sets you up for disappointment and resentment.

I don't think anything you're going through right now is out of the ordinary considering your experiences. Recovery gets hard before it gets easier. The most important thing is to keep working towards the Next Right Thing for you. Even if that is a baby step.

Butterfly

I honestly feel as though I'm losing my mind again I just can't get over the hurt and rejection and how he is treating me. It feels as though I will never be able to cope!!

seasaw

Hi Butterfly (((hugs)))

I have this image in my head of him shooting a pistol at the ground around your feet and you dancing around the bullets - and you're blaming yourself, as if you could make him shoot that gun.

We can all see you're suffering now, and I know we're all really glad you're staying here talking to us because of COURSE you belong , just as much as any of us do.

I went back to one of your early threads. Sweetheart, when you met this man he was a heavy drinker, to the point of disappearing for days, and you've been putting up with it for almost 20 years. He has chosen drinking over the life plans you've made, over his family, over and over and over. When you put your foot down and told him you would support him only if he chose recovery, that was the very BEST THING you could have done, for ALL of you. You did a great job with that!

And it's just true blue alcoholic talk to say i love you - get away from me - wait come back - i don't want to see you - this is your fault - why did you leave me - and on and on and on - and we don't need to put up with that! We don't need to be voluntary participants in their illness when they're not even willing to get better themselves. We Can't Do It For Them.

In other news... I just read this in some Coda literature, thought I'd share it here -