I have to accept I dont belong

Old 02-26-2015, 04:53 AM
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Butterfly - You sound a bit better and I hope you are.

its strange to me that on this side of the fence we often support and encourage no contact - then we see it happen on the other side its attributed to that person being an A - and we damn them for their actions.

I'm going to take the alcohol out of the picture because I think it confuses rather than explains how I see this situation. As you have described your marriage has been an uphill battle most of the time or at least for a very significant period of time. I don't think either of you brought out the best in each other regardless of whether you love each other. Good people can be no good for each other (and here I will say adding addiction in is just another level of "no good") Relationships and their interactions are habitual. Its very hard to break the cycle and sometimes the only way to do that is to go no contact. If your husband was still in contact with you regularly you will still be on the merry go round. Drama, Chaos, On again off again, Together then split etc.....you know the drill.

I am unsure if this is the reason your husband has gone no contact or if he really has because of the alcohol. What I do know is his no contact is a gift to you for whatever reason it happened.

It gets easier when you accept it as has been pointed out. It also gets easier when you stop trying to figure out what happened. I think what happened is it wasn't working. You both have tried to make it work and it still wasn't working - for years. I doubt there would have been anything YOU could have done or that HE could have done. You each are who you are.

A metaphor to this is a recent a event for a friend of a friend. His adult son went missing. He was last seen at 4 am by his girlfriend in January getting out of bed not feeling well. He disappeared with no clues whatsoever - car, keys, phone everything left at the house. A massive search took place and they came up with nothing. About a month to the day he was found drowned in the the lake near his house. There has been no rock unturned to try and figure out what happened - how did he get up coughing at 4 am and end up drowned a mile from his house? I don't know that they will ever know - maybe one day they will, but the bottom line is their son is gone and no matter how it happened it doesn't change the outcome.

Your husband has given you reasons why he divorced. Whether there is more to it or his explanation is accurate it doesn't change anything. What I think will happen to you as you get further away from it is that you will see more clearly that you weren't happy the vast majority of the time. That you lived full of anxiety and doubt. And that no matter what you would have or could have done to "change" yourself it would have ended up the same.

The day will come when you don't care. I promise it will as you move forward in accepting the situation and going on with life.

Hoping today is a great day for you Butterfly and (((hugs))).
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Old 02-26-2015, 09:12 AM
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feelinggreat - so do I I wish I could far away and never have to see or hear from him again. its hard when he calls every morning to collect ds I really look forward to school holidays when i know he wont be at my home for that period of time.

I find it hard with the kids going to see him and i get annoyed sometimes thinking how could they want to see him after he walked out to drink and hardly sees them, but i have to remember that no matter what he is still their dad and they love him. I get anxious thinking what is he telling them, is he blaming me. My anxiety has increased in recent weeks as im sure you have been able to tell from my meltdown!!

DD made me dinner last night for comig home and then DS said about watching a movie together, it was so lovely but I immediately thought whats going on, why are they being nice, what do they know that I dont. DD sat in the car with AH for half an hour then came back in and we all watched a movie. Honestly my anxiety is going mad I cant even enjoy my kids wanting to spend time with me and do something nice for me!!

REdatlanta, i suppose for me, we were great when the occassions drink didnt play a part in our marriage
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Old 02-26-2015, 09:31 AM
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Originally Posted by Butterfly View Post
i suppose for me, we were great when the occassions drink didnt play a part in our marriage
Almost every single one of us can say this EXACT same thing Butterfly. My marriage was great without the alcohol playing a part too.

(((((hugs))))) I hate to see you spinning in circles like this but I totally agree with SparkleKitty that you have to WANT to get better.

It sounds like you are maybe a little jealous that your kids continue to have a relationship with their dad & it's making you feel like the "bad" one as you are the only one NC & "left behind" in your thinking. I hope you can see that them developing a healthier relationship with their dad is good FOR THEM & has nothing to do with you.

Let me ask you a question - what happens if you continue down this path? Can you see yourself becoming sicker than him over time?

You can decide to change this anytime Butterfly, you can start today, right now. Make YOU the #1 priority in your life. We're ALL rooting for you!
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Old 02-26-2015, 10:14 AM
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Originally Posted by FireSprite View Post

It sounds like you are maybe a little jealous that your kids continue to have a relationship with their dad & it's making you feel like the "bad" one as you are the only one NC & "left behind" in your thinking. I hope you can see that them developing a healthier relationship with their dad is good FOR THEM & has nothing to do with you.

^^^^^^^^^^this your right, I have felt jealousy, do feel jealous, not sure their relationship is healthy though, given how much he lets them down and rarely sees them. But I feel pathetic feeling this way. It would be nice for them to have a healthier relationship with him.



Let me ask you a question - what happens if you continue down this path? Can you see yourself becoming sicker than him over time?

Yes I can I already feel as though I'm losing my mind

You can decide to change this anytime Butterfly, you can start today, right now. Make YOU the #1 priority in your life. We're ALL rooting for you!

Thank you
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Old 02-26-2015, 10:18 AM
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Butterfly,

I do not know where your treatment focus is at with your therapists but the more I read the more I think that you may need to be exploring the anxiety and resulting obsessive thoughts more aggressively.

Most of us experience anxiety and some level of obsessing at this stage but when I read your posts it seems less of a symptom of co-dependence and relationship upheavel and more of an underlying issue all on its own that will continue to work against your al-anon type recovery if it isn't treated.

Untreated mental health issues can sometimes take away our ability to follow through with our choices.

As always - if this does not apply, leave it behind!
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Old 02-26-2015, 10:21 AM
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IF jealousy is the correct term, I definitely understand why you would feel that way. I think it would a natural reflex to the situation.

Keep in mind that "healthier relationship" is a subjective term.... it may simply mean that THEY get healthier over time when they realize dad isn't changing & they have to stop going to the hardware store for bread. What you THINK would be detrimental MAY actually be working to help them get to their greatest good. They may need to jump in & out of the rabbit hole a bit before they recognize that it hurts them to do so. It's so hard because they aren't quite adults but they aren't babies.... they still need guidance but are working on being independent.

You CAN DO THIS Butterfly, I truly believe that you can. I see how helpful your posts to others are & I know you are so much more capable than you are giving yourself credit for right now.
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Old 02-26-2015, 11:13 AM
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Thanks thumper, I have OCD, thoughts not behaviours and went through CBT a few years ago, I think I have said this before. I need to focus and use my strategies and get my booklets out and work through them again. I would love to go back to my old therapist but it's through the health service so appointments would be during the week and I can't take that time off work every week although would love to!!!!

Thanks firesprite, I hadn't looked at healthy relationship in those terms, they definitely know they can't rely on him at the weekends but I think he tries to hold it together during the week, so he doesn't let DS down for school which is good or that it affects his work.

Red I meant to say I am feeling better than I was.
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Old 02-26-2015, 11:21 AM
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Try to get the positive side of things out.

Some writing might be a good idea?

Start a gratitude list and add to it each morning

"today I am grateful for ".......

A computer that connects me to a community that understands me

(20 years ago, everyone going through this had no access to anything like this)
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Old 02-26-2015, 12:02 PM
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Originally Posted by Hawks View Post
Try to get the positive side of things out.

Some writing might be a good idea?

Start a gratitude list and add to it each morning

"today I am grateful for ".......

A computer that connects me to a community that understands me

(20 years ago, everyone going through this had no access to anything like this)
I like that one to be grateful for. I've thought about .the gratitude list but struggled to think of things to be grateful for except my wonderful kids!
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Old 02-26-2015, 01:52 PM
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So your pretty well off compared to a woman that cannot have children But desperately wanted to.

How about living in a peaceful country?

Much chance of rocket attack today?

Turn the tap on, clean water?

Food in the fridge?

Roof over your head?

Sleeping in a bed tonight?

Sometimes we take for granted the basics of life. Ending up despairing over our first world problems.

Fact is if you can answer yes to the above, your in a privileged percentage of the world population.

This isn't to trivialise your feelings, just to try and help you see what you do have, rather than focusing on the one thing you don't (alcoholic husband)
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Old 02-26-2015, 02:11 PM
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(((Hugs))), Butterfly. I completely understand finding the gratitude list hard to do. I carry around a little notebook (one of those decorative, pretty little mini notebooks) that I would jot down a gratitude for the day in. I started out trying to list 3 things that I was grateful for and 3 things I did well that day. I carried it around for 2 reasons: 1-I found that I was coming up with items throughout the day, but couldn't always remember it if I waited until the end of the day to write it down, and 2-it helped me back off from the negative self-talk.

At first, everything was centered around DS and I'd fill in the empty lines with stuff like Hawks mentioned (I have heat, power, wifi, I was able to stop for a mocha or latte ) It did get easier, though, as time went on to be able to come up with lists without 'filler' items. (Especially the 'I did good' list). You'll get there, too.
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Old 02-26-2015, 02:46 PM
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It seems almost vapid to list the basic stuff, but when we are struggling to see any light at the end of the tunnel, it makes for a good start and of course you can build from there, as the UC said.
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Old 02-26-2015, 02:57 PM
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Butterfly,

What I am happy about today is that I took the plunge. I joined a meet up group that goes out to dinner once a month, or they do other things, like go out to a play or a movie. Joining another one today also, that goes walking.

I have to say, you inspired me to do this. Thank You.

((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
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Old 02-26-2015, 11:55 PM
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Good for you amy
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Old 02-27-2015, 10:35 AM
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Morning Butterfly!
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Old 02-27-2015, 11:26 AM
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The obsessional thinking is a horrible thing to endure, like a bunch of bees swarming in my head 24/7. With my therapist & Alanon I was able not act out on my crazy thinking and when it stopped, and I was "restored to sanity" I wanted nothing to do with him. I felt wonderful indifference. A big hug.
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