SwiftHeart

Six days ago I walked in on my husband with another woman. They were not using protection. He was sober. He was not apologetic.

The night before we had fought. I wanted to leave because he was being belligerent. He was sober. The next morning he came out to the living room where I was watching our 1 and 2 year old. He ran his hands through my hair for ten minutes and told me how much he loved me and how it important it was for me to know he was trying so hard to work it out.

Two hours later I walked in on him with another woman.

I was willing to stay with an alcoholic. I was willing to stay with an angry alcoholic. I was willing to stay with an angry alcoholic who probably cheated on me when he was drunk.

But an angry alcoholic who cheats on me in the middle of the day, in our home, while he is stone cold sober?

Right now we are separated with an agreement to reassess the situation in 6 months before making any decisions.

I have no idea what happened to the man I fell in love with. Did he ever actually exist? Have I been a complete fool this entire time? 6 years?

He has always been a heavy drinker. It scared the hell out of me when we first got together and he would finish between 25 and 30 beers in a single night. Then he moved on to whiskey. The back to beer. Then vodka. Then wine. Now wine and beer. He keeps switching drinks thinking something will stop him from going overboard. Nothing ever does.

I am enraged. I am crushed. I am horrified. For myself. For our children. I am breastfeeding our 1 year old. He was NOT using protection with this other woman. If he caught something and gave it to me, it could go straight to the baby.

He knows this.

Five months ago he gave me an STD. He came back from a business trip and within a week had accused me of giving him chlamydia. To this day, even after I caught him unprotected with another woman, he says I am the one who gave him chlamydia.

We agreed after that he would not get drunk in public anymore. Only at home. He never acknowledged that this was how he caught the STD to begin with. We simply decided it would be "safer" for everyone, especially because I am still breastfeeding.

He followed the agreement for three days.

I cannot even explain all the drama, chaos, and emotional pain our family has been through. . . just in the last 5 months.

I do not know what to do. I am still in love with this man who, for the last year, has not treated me like a human being. Who has told me my feelings do not matter. Who has expected me to take care of our kids, his kids from a previous marriage, and deal with his nightly drunkenness and belligerence without complaint.

I know why he cheated on me. I know that I have seen too much to give him the ego boost he needs from a lover. I cannot distract or save him from his pain because it hurts me too . . . because it hurts our children, and as a mother I am obligated to speak against it rather than hide from it or ignore it the way he needs me to.

I just don't understand why he would put the baby at risk. How hard could it be to use a condom?

I knew that he was in the process of numbing himself. Deadening his heart to the kids, to me, to our families, to everyone who truly loves him. I just didn't know he could numb himself to the point that his wants (his desire not to wear a condom) could become more important than our child's right to a healthy life.

I am completely floored.

ladyscribbler

I was willing to stay with an alcoholic. I was willing to stay with an angry alcoholic. I was willing to stay with an angry alcoholic who probably cheated on me when he was drunk.
But an angry alcoholic who cheats on me in the middle of the day, in our home, while he is stone cold sober?

Sorry you experienced this. Now you have a golden opportunity to look at why staying with an angry, cheating alcoholic was somehow acceptable to you.

Five months ago he gave me an STD. He came back from a business trip and within a week had accused me of giving him chlamydia. To this day, even after I caught him unprotected with another woman, he says I am the one who gave him chlamydia.

The alcohol and the cheating are two separate issues. My ex husband gave me chlamydia (I have never admitted that anywhere else, it came up on a pre-deployment PAP smear and I was shocked). He rarely took a drink but was a compulsive liar and spender and cheater (he has passed away now, so I rarely bring this up).
My last ex was an alcoholic who never touched another woman while we were together.
Both relationships were emotionally devastating. Both were unhealthy in their own way. I was unhealthy for staying in them (not just talking about the chlamydia).
It was totally outside of my power to change either one of them. Any "agreements" we made were short-lived. They were both grown men and it was outside of my ability to control their behavior, no matter what they might have promised, telling me what I wanted to hear in the moment.
Are their any resources besides SR available to you right now? Do you have family nearby? I am very concerned for you and your baby's safety.

I know why he cheated on me. I know that I have seen too much to give him the ego boost he needs from a lover. I cannot distract or save him from his pain because it hurts me too . . . because it hurts our children, and as a mother I am obligated to speak against it rather than hide from it or ignore it the way he needs me to.

None of this is your fault, however much he tries to blame his behavior on you. He is making a lot of sorry excuses for his failings as a man and as a human being. He should be home helping with his family, not out acting like an irresponsible teenager. Hell, most teenagers know to use a condom. Sorry, but this is infuriating. Thank you so much for reaching out here for help.

Katchie

Swift,

You look like you may be new here so I want to welcome you and encourage you to post often in this safe place. It has been such a life saver for me personally and I know it will be for you too.

I am so very sorry for what is happening to you and your family at this time. Alcoholism is such a terrible thing and hurts so many people.

Can I ask you a tough question? What do you find to love about your husband? Is the good outweighing the bad? What are you not willing to accept? Giving you an STD is awful. Cheating is awful. These things are unacceptable even if he did them drunk, but you are saying he was fully sober. Sweetie, you are worth so much more than this and so are your children.

Please read all that you can here and post often -- get it all out of your system and don't let it get bottled up inside. Vent, vent, vent often right here!

I'll be praying for you and your family.

Big Hugs!!!

shelton40

I am so sorry for your family. Hugs

HealingWillCome

SwiftHeart, I am so sorry. I understand the pain and shock you must be feeling right now. My XAH husband cheated on me when our youngest daughter was an infant. We also had a 3yo and a 6yo. Our marriage ended in the exact moment I discovered his affair. His alcoholism was a horrendous beast to deal with, but for me the infidelity was worse. It was the absolute deal breaker. That kind of betrayal cuts to the core. I understand your pain, I really do. I wish I could give you a huge hug right now.

I know there's not much I can say right now that will ease your pain or shock. You have a lot to face right now. You have important decisions to make about where you will allow this to go. Your health and safety are at risk, not to mention that of your innocent children. They have to be your primary concern right now. I hope you are able to find strength and maintain the frame of mind that he is not a healthy, loving, suitable husband or father, no matter how much you love him. Be prepared for manipulation on his part. It's clear he's not afraid to come back at you with plenty of it.

Do you have a support network there? Please don't be afraid to continue to reach out to others right now, whether it's here or face to face. You're going to need people with a clear perspective and experience/knowledge of what you're dealing with to help see you through this, especially as the mother of his innocent children. Praying for strength for you.

Duckygirl1

I'm sorry, but this was in your HOME?! This woman probably was no winner either. None of his unacceptable and frankly life threatening behavior ( AIDS IS STILL AROUND) is your fault. In his mind you've forgiven and put up with so much, he just figured you'd put up with this. He over played his hand. I know it's not easy for a woman with babies to just up and go. But there is help. Please for your sanity and physical health, reach out to friends, family, church, whomever can assist in this transition period.

You've have a 6 min period to really focus on yourself and your children and gain strenght for what lies ahead. It's a blessing really though it hurts like fire right now. Praying for you and your little ones! (((Hugs)))

Thomas45

I am so sorry for you Swift. I understand the pain of betrayal all too well, and it is such a terrible, heart wrenching thing to go through.

You made the right choice in opting for separation. I'll say it again, you made the right choice. For yourself, and especially for your children. Staying in that situation would create a toxic environment, and children pick up on that so easily even if they aren't able to comprehend what happened.

I think you'll find that many people on this forum will understand exactly the drama and chaos you describe. I've got stories that would make normal people cringe. I felt like I loved my ex wife so much, even after she did terrible, hurtful things. It took me a while to realize on my own that it wasn't my ex wife that I loved. I loved a memory of her which wasn't what she was any more, and hadn't been for a long time. The feelings I had for *her* were feelings of fear and anxiety, not feelings of love. That may very well be what you're feeling now.

He put the baby at risk because alcoholics don't process reason and responsibility the same way a normal person does. It's part of the nature of the disease. You can argue with an alcoholic until you're blue in the face, but it doesn't get you anywhere because their logic ticker is broken. Case in point, it is extremely dangerous for someone to consume 25-30 beers in a single night. A normal person would call that self-destructive. People can die from drinking that much alcohol in one sitting. Switching from whiskey to beer to vodka to wine to try to prevent himself from 'being an alcoholic' is like switching from blackjack to craps to roulette to slots to try to prevent yourself from losing money at a casino!

freetosmile

Wow-- just overwhelming wow--

God has so much better planned for you, really...I don't even KNOW you and I know this to be true.

I just am so angry for you right now! The meanness, the drinking, the name- calling, the accusations, damn...isn't that enough??!! I mean, I think I speak for all of us when I shake my fist at the sky and say "ISN'T IT ENOUGH?" but then you add the infidelity on top of it and it just makes for a heart crushing, gut wrenching struggle to get by day to day.

But the good news is that you CAN get by day to day...sometimes it is even minuet by minute --but dammit girlie-- we WILL get by!!!

This too shall pass and we will be stronger for it in the end.

I deal with accusations of ME being unfaithful ALL the time...I don't know how I manage it with 5 kids, being a student full time, and being the wife of an alcoholic and abuser...but somehow I manage to be unfaithful with every man I encounter ( I must just hold some sort of weird power over men ha! )

We will get through this---YOU can do it. YOU have nothing to be ashamed of. YOU have done NOTHING wrong. You are a good mother and a good wife. REMEMBER that---

HUGS HUGS and more HUGS

Hammer

My best guess -- you will get over THAT as soon as YOU start getting better from this mess.

Many of us have tried Alanon and found it helped us quite a bit.

Maybe you, too?

Do you know where and when for Alanon?

btw, sounds like he has more problems than Alcohol.

btw #2 -- Welcome Home.

LemonGirl

((((Swift))))

I can't even imagine what you're going through. All of what everyone has said so far is gold. I would only add that you take these next 6 months and live as disconnected from him as possible and make some sort of comparison list to what life is like with him, and how (much better) it is without him. Make sure to take the time to get financial, emotional, and legal help. You can do this! You're in my prayers! Welcome, and keep coming back!

Hangnbyathread

In my case I didn't walk in on them. But that was just be sheer luck I didn't. I have literally missed it by minutes at times. Otherwise you and I share the same story. Including the STD part.

Tell me at 9:45 in the morning how thrilled she was to have me. 2PM that day she is telling another man she missed him so much she can hardly breathe.

I never got over it. It didn't matter the reasons, excuses or deflections cited as to why it happened. I left the relationship. That's my short answer to the same long story.

I can SO feel your pain. And I am SO sorry we share this place together.

Summerpeach

I've yet to meet or deal with an addict who didn't lie/cheat. It's all part of their underlying mental illness.

You can spend endless amounts of time trying to analyse why he does what he does, but it's futile. Once this shock has passed, you need to focus on why you have such a high tolerance for pain.

My ex was not a fall down drunk, but was verbally abusive and he did punch me twice. I stayed even after all that, but I always said if he cheated, I was gone.
Never did he come across as a cheater, but when he got sober in AA, he used AA as a dating site. I never knew that until later on, but I did catch him cheating and that same day I was gone and never ever looked back.
6 yrs gone.....but I was finally able to heal.

My strength to leave came from the year I spend in Al Anon before catching him.....then I stayed 3 more years after that because I knew it was me who was sick and needed help. It wasn't about him but about why I would even think about being in a union with someone so disordered.

Work on you and only you :-)

Refiner

I am SO SORRY for what has brought you here! You must be utterly overwhelmed and have your hands full with two babies!! This is your safe place to vent, learn, share, and grow. You deserve SO much better. I wish you much healing.

hopeful4

I am so sorry. You deserve more, and your children do too.

FeelingGreat

I'm so sorry for your pain Swift. I understand you could still be in love with him, but our hearts aren't logical sometimes. Use the logical part of your brain to work out the best way to leave him.

Get your ducks in a row. Legal advice, child support, support for you, STD clinic (the selfish PIG), anything else you need to get some distance between this disease spreading mongrel, and yourself and the children. And don't feel outraged on behalf of the children - he's doing it to you, his wife. And he's not apologetic, instead he's actually blaming you.

There is a lot of help and support out there as well as on SR. Time to get real and put an end to this.

dandylion

Swift....sometimes, what we call "love" is really something else.
Even so, "love" (whatever it is) is not enough to justify tolerating abusive or destructive behavior.
You can't change this man..or "fix" him.

I hope you will use the next several months to take an honest assessment of your life.
Hon, you will need lots of support during this time...LOTS!!
I would suggest a face to face group...like a woman's support group or Celebrate Recovery or Alanon....or something similar. (also, reading the hundreds and hundreds of stories, like yours, here on SR).
PLUS...an individual therapist.
So many others who have successfully crawled out of the jaws of hell, on this forum, report that this was the combination that helped them to do it.

dandylion

marie1960

Welcome Swiftheart, I am glad you are here, just awful sorry for what brings you here.

Lying, cheating, betrayal are so very overwhelming, the power of the negative emotions can certainly knock the wind right out of us.

What would you like to do next Swiftheart?

lillamy

I'm glad you're here. I'm sorry about all the garbage that brought you here.
I read your post and the part I quoted above stood out to me. You know why?

I was married to an alcoholic for 20 years. I think I realized he was an alcoholic when I was pregnant with our first child. But I sort of pushed that understanding to the back of my mind because I so desperately wanted this dream of a family to work. I thought I was strong enough to make it work. To handle his drinking. To love him out of wanting to drink.

I thought "at least he's just a sad drunk, not a belligerent one." Then he started being belligerent, and I thought "at least he's just being belligerent towards people he thinks are rude or threatening to our family." Then he started turning the belligerent towards me, and I thought "at least he's not violent." Then he raped me, and I thought "if only he would hit me, then I could leave."

My point?

When you say "How hard can it be to use a condom?" -- you're already at the point where the water is boiling wildly. You've gradually come to accept behavior that is totally unacceptable -- and you're willing to settle for "please just protect our baby by using a condom when you're cheating on me."

If on your first date, he had said, "Hey -- I'll marry you and have kids with you, and then I'll get drunk and be mean to you every night, and I will cheat on you in our home and not use protection and give you STDs and put our children at risk"... I have a feeling you would have looked at him, asked for the check, and run for the hills.

I'm not criticizing you for staying. Hell, I stayed for another 19 years after that first "holy **** this guy is an alcoholic" realization. I'm just telling you that you have adapted, just like I did, to things that are, objectively speaking, completely unacceptable behavior from someone who claims to love you.

A person who loves you doesn't cheat on you.
It really is that simple.
His excuses, your explanations, all of that falls flat in the face of the simple truth: You do not cheat on a person you love.

There are all kinds of reasons for staying in a relationship -- financial, emotional, etc -- but I think it's very important to be realistic and honest with yourself about what the relationship is and what it is not.

Alcoholics, without treatment, don't get "better". They don't wake up one day and say "I'm gonna continue drinking but I'm gonna behave better towards my wife."

Someone else here said recently -- and I know it's harsh, but it's true: He is an alcoholic. That means his priority is his drinking. You, the kids, his job, his self-respect -- all of that comes further down the list of priorities. That's not love. That's addiction. And it's hell -- as you very well know already.

I'm glad you're separated. I hope you can use these six months to wonder less about why he is behaving the way he is, and think more about why you are behaving the way you are. Why you've allowed yourself to be treated this way. Why you say "I love him" about a man who treats you like garbage. Why you have been willing to accept his abusive behavior. Al-Anon helped me work through those questions. I spent four years going to meetings (at times, daily meetings) and working their program before I came to the point where I decided whatever it was my husband was selling, I was doing buying it.

I also thought about that scene when after a night of being an arse to you, he comes out and tells you how much he loves you and that he wants to work on your marriage. The story that comes to mind is in the first post in this link -- we refer to it as "the intermittent chicken"... It's very common behavior in addicts and people with certain personality disorders:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-chick-en.html

Florence

Double post.

Florence

Swift, unacceptable behavior is unacceptable. You say you can tolerate a cheating drunk as long as he isn't rubbing it in your face, but that's not a life and not a marriage. You and your kids deserve better than that, way better, way more than that.

No ma'am. The asking of this question this should be a flaming red flag for you.

What does this separation look like? Is he living outside of your home? Or are you? If I were you, I'd make it a real, minimal contact separation, so you can focus on yourself and your babies and what's best for you. Counseling and addiction education in whatever form will be very meaningful to you at this time. You don't have to make any decisions either way at this time -- I would actively avoid it -- give yourself the space to see this for what it is, not through the lenses of fear and panic and anxiety.

I had to leave my XAH when my daughter was one year old. It was a bad and difficult time, but I am happier, fitter, and better for having done so. My ex cheated, drank, threw away jobs, lied, stole, manipulated, and was emotionally abusive to me and my older son. But I loved him just the same -- we were high school sweethearts and never in my right mind did I think he'd do any of that to me. But he did. Today, he's exactly where I left him, living in his parents' house, menial job, supervised visitation with our daughter, still drinking in secret. Despite all his promises and threats, nothing changed.