guava

XAH and I have been divorced for three weeks now. He had been abstaining from alcohol since January 1st.

I have full custody of our son. I believe the judge was pissed that XAH failed to respond or file a single court document, didn't attend the parenting class and didn't show up for the hearing; therefore, she ignored the parenting plan I drafted (and we both signed) and said he would have to petition for visitation. Well, I've been following the parenting plan anyway because, as long as XAH is sober, I feel it's in our son's best interest to spend time with his Dad.

Last night XAH came over and watched a movie with our son and me. I offered to leave to give them some time alone, XAH said not necessary, we had a nice time, some yummy snacks, XAH tucked our son in to bed and returned to his parent's house. I thought it was a pretty good night.

This morning I received a text from XAH telling me he hates me in a somewhat threatening tone. I called him. Yep, he hates me, says I took everything (house, son) from him, I'm a b%#~<!, F you, no other man would have put up with me for as long as he did, I've ruined our family and a couple more F you's among other things.

I'd know that voice anywhere and he was obviously drunk. He was thinking it was still nighttime (it was just before 7am so even without the time change it would have been almost 6am.) He said he didn't want to see either of us tomorrow (today.) Seeing as though it will likely take him until 3pm to sleep it off, I'm all for him not spending the day with me or our son, although our son is going to be bummed. I'll have to come up with some sort of explanation for that one.

I just hate this. I guess I shouldn't have responded to the text? but I don't understand how couples with children can go no contact. If you don't have contact how do you know the other parent is sober enough for visitation? We had been doing some things together and some separately but am I better off setting up a totally separate schedule? What's reasonable, especially in light of the fact he's drinking again? And why am I believing that we can have some sort of nice, normal divorce when we never had that in a marriage?

Santa

You are better off following the orders of the judge in your case. Your ex is unstable and in the midst of active addiction. Contact is not helping your child.

BTW my ex used to do the same thing after we split....reasonable one day, I'm an evil beotch the next. Eventually he was diagnosed with bipolar disorder.

Refiner

How old is your son? Is he too young for you to be honest and you tell him the father is unstable and unhealthy and it's unsafe to be with him and you are the sole parent? With those hateful feelings towards you both it won't be long before he starts using his own son to get back at you IMO. And that's unhealthy for your son.

guava

He's 7. I know some girls in his class are very mature and could handle that type of discussion. My son - I'm not so sure.

Refiner

Awwww... That's such a tender age. I'm sorry.

redatlanta

You should follow the Judge's order you know why? Judge's don't take kindly to it when you do not. If something happens to your son because you have allowed XAH visitation rights oh boy, you might be looking at some serious problems.

Aside from all that why in the world would you do anything to enable this person not to be responsible? Did you fail to provide filings? Did you fail to show up to hearings? Did you fail to attend parenting class? I bet you did all the above. Now you are saying to XAH "you don't have to do anything and you get what you want".

Look, I understand why you think its in the best interest for your son to have contact with a sober XAH. You really need to think about your actions - the Judge is on your child's side (for a change). Even though it is your child, and I also understand why you feel you should be able to make decisions as to his exposure to his Dad the Court has decided otherwise. Don't put yourself above the law, it doesn't end up well.

I would not respond further to him while intoxicated. Next response would be a copy of the Judge's Order and statement "Please petition for visitation".

dandylion

guava....this kind of anger is pretty standard out of an actively drinking alcoholic. They spew it out like an erupting volcano.

I guess that you have figured this out by now, though.....LOL!

My advice is to begin growing a very thick rhino skin. This is likely to be a marathon.

Dealing with the dynamics of an alcoholic mind is not like dealing with an rational person.
And, you sure will not get any stars for being a nice and accommodating person.

I do understand and respect your wanting you son to have access to his father. You are not a selfish person. His alcoholism renders him incapable of this kind of thinking.

dandylion

Godismyrock

I am not a divorce attorney, but I am an attorney. Please, please, please follow the judge's order. I have seen my clients in other areas of the law in big trouble when they veered away from the terms the divorce judge set. I do not know this judge, but have to assume her ruling was not made lightly and is the result of her experience dealing with many other cases like yours.
I agree that the next response to his contact should be something like, "please see the judge's order. You need to talk to the court about getting visitation,"

Time spent with sober dad will be overlayed by the times that XAH causes your son sadness and hurt as XAH disease progresses. XAH will likely get worse now that he lost his two month sobriety. Kids need a healthy single parent much more than the combo of a sick parent, and the healthy parent being torn apart by sick parent.

LexieCat

At this point, I think I'd stick with the judge's order. Since you've been allowing liberal visitation, I think some explanation is in order. You could say something like: "I want you to have a good relationship with our son. I was hoping we could go along with the parenting plan we came up with, but I'm alarmed by the way you sounded on the phone when you called. It doesn't make me feel safe. I've decided that we need to abide by the court order, which is what controls in this situation. I have no wish to cut you off from our son, but you will have to petition for visitation so there will be safeguards in place to protect both him and me from the erratic behavior you display when you've been drinking. Please don't try to argue this--the judge has said what you need to do to have visitation. If you file a petition we can both be heard on what we think needs to happen so far as visitation goes."

Notice there's no mention of what he "needs to do"--the focus is on you and your son and everyone feeling safe. I wouldn't expect him to react kindly to this, but if his response is over-the-top, you can call the court to find out how to file a "motion to enforce litigant's rights" or an application for a protective order, depending on HOW over-the-top it is.

guava

The dissolution says "Mother shall have sole parental responsibility. Court reserves as to time-sharing." My attorney told me that means that if he wants court ordered visitation he must petition the court but otherwise visitation is at my discretion.

Up until this morning AH had just over two months sober and although he wasn't working a program the way I hoped, I felt he was making some progress and encouraged visitation.

Aaaack! I am so confused!

guava

Think I might just read this to XAH verbatim next time we talk...

maia1234

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LexieCat

Oh, I didn't realize you had a lawyer. I'd talk to the lawyer for guidance before you do anything, just to confirm that you're on good ground and also to find out what you should do if he blows a gasket. Also, if he flips out, you can tell him to call your lawyer.

I know that results in some legal fees, but to me, one of the big advantages to having a lawyer is that s/he can act as a buffer so you don't have to deal with him directly all the time.

Mango blast

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. I realize how confusing this is and it's good you have a lawyer and judge to help you. Putting a reply in writing would give you documentation and him the opportunity to re-read it and share it with anyone helping him.

LexieCat

Yeah, I agree that putting it in writing is best. I'd strongly advise AGAINST using a text. Email is stored/preserved more readily (if you ever need evidence), and texts are usually sent on the fly and are poor vehicles for serious communication.

airwick

I am sort of in the same boat as you. I also have sole custody (mom or 13 year old boy) My XAH did not show up at anything, just like yours. I wen through parenting classes ect. Until my X files in court, to my understanding it is all up to me about visitation ect. That is why I have "Sole" custody. I went to all court dates, he did NOTHING. He is back at his moms (mind you I'm 50ty, we are not kids ourselves, he' back at mom. that is another story lol)

I gave him the house (he lost it), I have my home, I have a well adjusted son, (no help financially or emotionally) but, I HAVE MY SON. Let my X figure out how the "system" works for him. Not my problem, I'm done

FOR NOW

Refiner

I was going to say the same thing about text or email only for documentation reasons. Plus you won't get his wrath of verbal abuse.

airwick

I am sort of in the same boat as you. I also have sole custody (mom or 13 year old boy) My XAH did not show up at anything, just like yours. I wen through parenting classes ect. Until my X files in court, to my understanding it is all up to me about visitation ect. That is why I have "Sole" custody. I went to parenting classes, I went to all court dates, he did NOTHING. He is back at his moms (mind you I'm 50ty, we are not kids ourselves, he' back at mom. that is another story lol)

I gave him the house (he lost it), I have my home, I have a well adjusted son, (no help financially or emotionally) but, I HAVE MY SON. Let my X figure out how the "system" works for him. Not my problem, I'm done

FOR NOW I did seek legal direction. I can't worry about it. My son will be legal age in 5 years, it will be his decision then. You have a little one right?

guava

Through my job I have access to legal services....some free - some at discounted rates. With limited assistance I prepared my own documents and I self represented at the hearing but I had my attorney review the dissolution and answer questions. I was expecting some long intricate document and what I was handed at the final hearing was a three page dissolution agreement with only a couple boxes checked/lines filled in so I had to get the attorney involved again to confirm my son was still protected from having to interact with intoxicated XAH the way he would have been under the parenting plan. She said this outcome was actually better for me as far as that was concerned.

I'll definitely be arranging for another legal call/clarification tomorrow morning.

Airwick - thanks so much for sharing a bit of your story. It sounds eerily similar. I'm 45 - XAH is back living with his Mom & Dad. Really helps to hear that your son is doing so well now!

Thanks to everyone for listening/helping!

Mango blast

At 7, and even younger, kids have the right to be told the truth. Alcoholism is a disease. Your son and yourself didn't cause it, can't control it and can't cure it. That it's up to Dad to take care of himself. And during active alcoholism things often don't make sense. And that's the way it is.

My 8 yr old son read that, helped me with the wording and added the last sentence.

We didn't realize until recently that there's an Alakid/Alateen program an hour away, and he's been going to that. If we hadn't found that, or even with it, counseling for him with an appropriate licensed addictions counselor will be very beneficial. Alanon and counseling has been very good for me, too!