redatlanta

It is very possible you could be dealing with a mental illness or Personality Disorder under the Alcoholism. Its common.

That said there is nothing you can do about it if that's the case. he would have to be willing to get treatment for his addiction, and then unravel and treat what may laying below it. He isn't there. And, you don't have to subject yourself to his abuse and atrocious behavior in the meantime.

Crazy will make you crazy and it has. There is no deciphering or arguing with it. If you want to stop it the first thing to do is to stop applying the way you think to the way that he thinks. You wouldn't do what he is doing, you can't imagine it. At one time he exhibited behavior that was parallel to this thinking. What happened to him? This is not computing.

It is a common belief that the Alcoholic and the Sober man are the same person. I do agree with this although I believe a sober person has the ability for impulse control, and the alcoholic does not. So the alcohol is not "making" him do al this.

Could it be possible that he was always like this (the jerk personality) but just mirrored your actions and your beliefs for a period of time? Yes. That is called Borderline Personality Disorder

Could it be that at one time he was able to contain his rages and anger and now he is not? Yes. That might be Bi Polar Disorder.

Could it be that at one time he believed in faithfulness in a relationship, but now he thinks its fine FOR HIM to cheat, and actually he has a right to sleep with other women? Faithfulness out the window? Highly, highly Unlikely.

I understand why you feel unattractive and why you are beat down. This is crazy town. The space will do you good. I'm not diagnosing your husband merely offering what could be an issue and what is often found with these types of behaviors and personality changes. I have no idea if your husband really has these problems. I hope that you will seek Al Anon - I think it will help you more than you can imagine.

((((hugs)))) and I hope today is a better day.

zoso77

You're right. You did nothing to deserve this. Nothing whatsoever.

And yes, this is humiliating. It sucks. It's awful.

But here's the good news, if you choose to think of it this way.

He has shown you, without shame and without any reservation, what he is all about. There is no ambiguity regarding his makeup. There is no need to figure out what he is the way he is. He is what he is.

So now you have decisions available to you. And if you think in these terms, it can be very liberating and empowering. You have choices.

When my AXGF left me for another addict and confessed to cheating on me multiple times, I said thank you very much and put her in my rearview mirror as fast as I could. There was no f*ckin' way I was going to have anything to do with anyone who betrayed my trust that way. There was no going back. Ever.

I know you're hurt, and I know you've been hurt badly. But you can turn this around quickly. You can take strong, decisive action to protect yourself and your children. And while that won't necessarily make your heart mend faster, what it will do is give you the strength and confidence going forward that when faced with someone behaving like your AH's, you can handle it.

So, once you decide what is best for you, and what's best for your kids, then I believe everything else should fall in line.

Kboys

"The whole mess is so disorienting. "

It is so disorienting. I made so many decisions back when AH was drinking that I would not have had I been thinking clearly...

Be gentle with yourself

"Very few people could stay sane in your home. You are not a failure "
-Tobi Rice Drews

smm264

"My self esteem is in the dumps right now, but I use to feel pretty attractive. I'm intelligent"

Boy do I understand this. I couldn't even look in the mirror...I felt like an old hag. (And I'm not. I'm a very-young-looking yoga instructor and aerialist.) It was funny. a thousand people could have told me I was beautiful then, but I couldn't see it. I saw someone ugly, inadequate, and disposable. And I thought that knowing full well I was much more attractive than "the other woman".

But please listen: He didn't cheat on you because you weren't beautiful enough, or educated enough, or intelligent enough. He didn't cheat on you because you didn't love him or weren't a good wife and mother. The fact is, he didn't cheat on you for any real reason. He did it because he's and addict and possibly a narcissist or mentally unstable in some other fashion. NONE OF THOSE ARE YOUR PROBLEMS. They are his. Only his. And you cannot fix them, no matter how hard you try.

This is what you need to come to terms with. HE has problems that caused him to hurt you. He is unwilling to deal with those problems. He cheated on his perfectly wonderful wife for absolutely no reason that will ever come close to anything more than a pathetic and infuriating excuse.

And like I said, even if he turned his life around and cleaned up, you've still been through the wringer because of his issues. Granted, it would be great if he did go to detox and get into a good recovery program, but it wouldn't be a magic eraser. You would still have to live with what has happened, and knowing that that part of him is still in there somewhere. It's sad and it's very complicated, but it isn't your problem. You didn't deserve it and you need to focus only on what you and your kids need right now.

Can you get yourself to any Al-Anon groups? Or to a therapist that has familiarity with addiction? I do both, and they have helped me tremendously.

Best of luck to you!

Jenibean87

Oh geeze, Swift. *Hugs* This is, indeed, a really bad situation for you and your kids. Many other posters have expounded on the red flags and scary thinking here, but I hope you know that for all of the bad, there is still hope for you to get a happy ending. It might not be the one that you planned on initially, but many of our members here have found out that what they have now is better than what they could have hoped for.

Has anyone mentioned Al-Anon? A lot of the compromises you made in the face of immorality and alcoholism fall under the category of "co-dependent". Pia Mellody has several really excellent books on the subject aimed to help break that cycle I think you may agree you've found yourself in. Al-Anon groups can help with this too. It's a great place where people who are entangled with alcoholics can go and learn how to deal with their insanity,offer support, and share experiences.

Furthermore, how is your real-life support network? Do you have family to stay with and lean on? Do you have a lawyer to protect you and your kids? Do you have friends who can vent to? A therapist to help with your thinking?

To me, it looks like you've been so beaten down by this disease, so dishonored by the actions of your AH, that only in the most extreme situation were you able to put your foot down and stand up for you safety and happiness. Like many of us on this forum, you waited too long and accepted too much misery. For that, I'm sorry. We really do understand that here. Keep posting!

fairlyuncertain

The insanity of alcoholism is like this: if he HAD worn a condom, maybe he could have convinced you that it was a sign that he loved you, loved the baby, and cared about your marriage. My ex convinced me that he loved me because his rages and alcoholism were my fault but he still put up with me....

The reality is like this: when you get your children and your self (yes, you still have your self, and you'll find it's remarkably strong and resilient and intelligent!) out of there, you'll gradually get out of that mindset. It is so freeing and although you can't see it now, you just took a step in the right direction, for your children and yourself.

It is right to show love and concern for each other in a relationship. Not by switching to whiskey and cheating only away from home. Not by 'only' being verbally abusive and punching walls instead of hitting. Not by saying 'i love you.'

Faithfulness, compassion, caring, and taking the ACTIONS in life that express those feelings. That's what we give in a healthy relationship, and that's what you'll receive. Not from an alcoholic, but from your healthy relationships and friendships!!

I wish you the very best of luck. It's hard to be at that point, but it truly can be the start of something wonderful. Al-anon helped break the spell the A had over me. I am astonished at how much shame, guilt, fear, anxiety and worry I took on. I still do it. I still watch him drop his responsibilities like a dirty towel and get the overwhelming urge to pick them all up. That's how I proved to myself that I was a good person.

Therapy, reading, journalling, al-anon, family and friend support, time for yourself--all of it helps. Big internet hugs and best wishes to you!!

Slothy

Swift, its been a little bit since I posted but want you to know that lots of hugs and prayers for serenity are going your way!. Quite frankly, I am coming to terms with much of the same as you. I just found out my exabf had been cheating on me from day one!

The alcoholism is one beast but the infidelity is by far for me the biggest! Your spouse's behavior is UNACCEPTABLE! Like so many here have posted...your spouse and my ex have shown their true character...and its very ugly!

Please know you are not walking alone in this! HUGS to u!

LightInside

Swift, I wonder if you might benefit from taking a look at this page:Hope & Help for Family & Friends of Sexaholics

MrsVain

i know this feeling all to well. it was the hardest thing i ever did in my life. but the thing is I HAD TO DO IT to save myself and to save my children. the things he was doing to us was NOT ok. and no matter how much i loved him, no matter how much i wanted him to change and be a better man, he refused to behave any different. someone once told me "Dont ask yourself why someone keeps hurting you, ask yourself why you are letting him."

you mentioned that the last year was horrible. he treated you worse then he ever had before, he was drinking more, he was pushing you away and distancing himself from you..... that is exactly what my XH did too. i strugged with trying to figure out WTF was going on. a year later, i still dont know. i will probably never know what flipped that switch from him being loving, caring, and a good father/husband to the man he is now.

i have looked into all sorts of things trying to understand him, XH has traits of borderline, among other things. including alcoholism, but the real thing is he could have a mental disease, he could have had a terrible childhood, he could have alcoholism, among any other thing. but if he is UNWILLING to change those things about himself, if he doesnt want help, doesnt want to get better.....how are you going to change him? are you to sit back and let him abuse you and your children? are you going to allow him to continue to cheat on you and give you more STD's? are you going to go down the path of destruction with him and your children too?

i know it hurts. it is NOT what or how we wanted when we first hooked up with that man. but he is not holding up his end of the bargain. he is purposely hurting you. he is purposely doing cruel and hateful things to you. you need to protect yourself.

now that the rose colored glasses have been torn off and the beautiful lie has been exposed, you can never go back to it. you can try, you can think that he will change, but the beautiful lie is gone. the harsh truth is staring at you now and you cant ignore it. you will never be able to get what you wanted from this man. he will never be able to fix the damage he inflicted on you.

i hope you realize that and move on with your life in the way you want to live. do you want love with integrity? honesty? loyalty? trust? you will never have it with this man, but you might have it with someone else. i believe you deserve better. focus on your children. give them the life you wanted to give them when you were with your husband. he will not do the right thing but you still can. it will be hard but not impossible. you want a better life with your kids then you will have to step up to the plate and do it.

so sorry you had this happen. your story could have been my story (except that it wasnt in my house, it was her house) it is very painful to get thru but you must do it for yourself and your children. hugs

good luck