Missing him
Baby Steps
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
Missing him
While I'm trying to work through accepting my situation this is one thing I have to accept, I miss him. I've tried to not acknowledge it, ignore these feelings but I can't keep avoiding feelings I have, like I miss him.
He wasn't always bad he had times when he was loving and thoughtful, he didn't drink every night or every weekend but when he did that's when the problems rose, drinking to passing out, sneaking out in the middle of the night to keep drinking or waking up the next day and going on a bender. This isn't romanticism I know I couldn't have lived with my life much longer the way it was but it doesn't stop me missing him, loving him and feeling such hurt with how he has treated me throughout our marriage and since he walked out, ignoring me, not talking to me face to face or being honest with me, just shows how he really feels about me to treat me this way that I meant so little to him, that our kids mean so little to him. I suppose it's easier for him to not see me or speak to me face to face he doesn't have to deal with the hurt and damage he's caused, I think I don't know anymore.
Maybe if I hadn't pushed for answers, for him to seek help, if I'd left him alone we wouldn't be where we are now, if I hadn't felt that I needed to control him, his drinking, if I'd left him alone when he left, maybe we wouldn't be getting divorced, maybe he would have gotten help.
I don't feel I will be able to accept how he has hurt me and move on I feel I will always carry this hurt around with me, has anyone else felt this way??
Sorry I know this post is about him and it shouldn't be.
He wasn't always bad he had times when he was loving and thoughtful, he didn't drink every night or every weekend but when he did that's when the problems rose, drinking to passing out, sneaking out in the middle of the night to keep drinking or waking up the next day and going on a bender. This isn't romanticism I know I couldn't have lived with my life much longer the way it was but it doesn't stop me missing him, loving him and feeling such hurt with how he has treated me throughout our marriage and since he walked out, ignoring me, not talking to me face to face or being honest with me, just shows how he really feels about me to treat me this way that I meant so little to him, that our kids mean so little to him. I suppose it's easier for him to not see me or speak to me face to face he doesn't have to deal with the hurt and damage he's caused, I think I don't know anymore.
Maybe if I hadn't pushed for answers, for him to seek help, if I'd left him alone we wouldn't be where we are now, if I hadn't felt that I needed to control him, his drinking, if I'd left him alone when he left, maybe we wouldn't be getting divorced, maybe he would have gotten help.
I don't feel I will be able to accept how he has hurt me and move on I feel I will always carry this hurt around with me, has anyone else felt this way??
Sorry I know this post is about him and it shouldn't be.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Nothing you did, or didn't do, prevented him from seeking help if he wanted it. Maybe someday he will, but these things happen in their own time--if they ever DO happen.
Since we're playing "what-if," what if you weren't headed for divorce, but rather to a steadily-worsening lifetime of misery. You're looking BACK at a time when things didn't seem so bad. He's gotten worse, and he will continue to get worse until he's decided he's had enough.
Hugs, however much you FEEL right now like you will never be relieved of the hurt, those feelings are not facts. You WILL let go of the hurt. There's a lot you can do to help it along.
Since we're playing "what-if," what if you weren't headed for divorce, but rather to a steadily-worsening lifetime of misery. You're looking BACK at a time when things didn't seem so bad. He's gotten worse, and he will continue to get worse until he's decided he's had enough.
Hugs, however much you FEEL right now like you will never be relieved of the hurt, those feelings are not facts. You WILL let go of the hurt. There's a lot you can do to help it along.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Oh butterfly. 
. I'm sorry you are hurting. My only thought is don't confuse missing someone with wanting what you had at the end or thinking you can't ever move forward in your life. It takes time.
I missed my ah a lot. I was so sad for a long time. I think that is normal at the end of a relationship. I felt that loss even though I was the one that did the leaving. I wanted nothing more than to be free and I still missed him. I missed who I married, not who I divorced. I missed all the things that come along with life partners. It is ok now though. I'm peaceful and clear and secure. You will be too.
. I'm sorry you are hurting. My only thought is don't confuse missing someone with wanting what you had at the end or thinking you can't ever move forward in your life. It takes time. I missed my ah a lot. I was so sad for a long time. I think that is normal at the end of a relationship. I felt that loss even though I was the one that did the leaving. I wanted nothing more than to be free and I still missed him. I missed who I married, not who I divorced. I missed all the things that come along with life partners. It is ok now though. I'm peaceful and clear and secure. You will be too.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
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The "what if" game is a bad game to play.
This isn't romanticism I know I couldn't have lived with my life much longer the way it was but it doesn't stop me missing him, loving him and feeling such hurt with how he has treated me throughout our marriage and since he walked out, ignoring me, not talking to me face to face or being honest with me, just shows how he really feels about me to treat me this way that I meant so little to him, that our kids mean so little to him.
To point out the obvious here Butterfly what's to miss considering the synopsis of your marriage? The rare occasion when he was nice, sweet, or loving?
Perhaps what you miss was the opportunity for a healthy relationship that was never offered, or available to you. I am sure it is the last thing on your mind, but I will point out that just because he did not treat you the way you deserved to be treated doesn't mean this is it for you. To the contrary, you now have the whole wide world open to you for whatever you want - minus the Alcoholic anchor.
I do understand it is normal to miss the familiar. Lots of (((hugs))) Butterfly you are doing great and this too shall pass.
This isn't romanticism I know I couldn't have lived with my life much longer the way it was but it doesn't stop me missing him, loving him and feeling such hurt with how he has treated me throughout our marriage and since he walked out, ignoring me, not talking to me face to face or being honest with me, just shows how he really feels about me to treat me this way that I meant so little to him, that our kids mean so little to him.
To point out the obvious here Butterfly what's to miss considering the synopsis of your marriage? The rare occasion when he was nice, sweet, or loving?
Perhaps what you miss was the opportunity for a healthy relationship that was never offered, or available to you. I am sure it is the last thing on your mind, but I will point out that just because he did not treat you the way you deserved to be treated doesn't mean this is it for you. To the contrary, you now have the whole wide world open to you for whatever you want - minus the Alcoholic anchor.
I do understand it is normal to miss the familiar. Lots of (((hugs))) Butterfly you are doing great and this too shall pass.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: West Coast
Posts: 774
Everything Lexie said I agree with. I have very fond memories with my xabf, but I cannot deny the dark reality of his alcoholism. And unfortunately, I think that his recent resolve to get sober has him stuck where he wants to quit, but then he drinks, and then he realizes he is losing me, so he gets depressed, and then turns to more alcohol for the pain.
And I didn't cause that. He is choosing it because right now it is what he knows. He is afraid to change... afraid to live and actually deal with himself. I have empathy, but not guilt. I hope that somewhere along the way you can find peace...
And I didn't cause that. He is choosing it because right now it is what he knows. He is afraid to change... afraid to live and actually deal with himself. I have empathy, but not guilt. I hope that somewhere along the way you can find peace...
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,057
I'm sorry you're hurting, Butterfly. Hugs to you--I know that pain.
It's good that you're acknowledging you're feelings. They will lessen with time, but if you don't let them happen it will be worse later. They are only feelings and they won't kill you, no matter how painful they are. Something that helped me a lot was journaling. Even a 5-minute spew onto paper just to get it out so that I could move on and not wallow in it was often what I needed to get through the moment.
I don't know where you're at with no contact, but it's critical. I also had to get rid of old cards, notes, texts, emails, pictures, etc. Anything that stirs up fond memories is bad news. Your reality is that he's not capable of being who you need for him to be. And the "what if" game in your head is really dangerous. It makes you responsible for his actions and you are NOT. IF he had wanted sobriety, he would have chosen it for himself. It didn't have anything to do with you. You didn't do anything wrong, you couldn't have done anything differently. It was the nature of the illness, NOT you that prevented him from choosing recovery.
So feel it, process it, but then remind yourself of all the reasons you're not with him anymore, and then shift your focus to something that makes you happy. Thoughts and actions are powerful. Give yourself permission to be happy. Remember your tagline - turn the pain into power. Keep talking here for as long as you need to.
It's good that you're acknowledging you're feelings. They will lessen with time, but if you don't let them happen it will be worse later. They are only feelings and they won't kill you, no matter how painful they are. Something that helped me a lot was journaling. Even a 5-minute spew onto paper just to get it out so that I could move on and not wallow in it was often what I needed to get through the moment.
I don't know where you're at with no contact, but it's critical. I also had to get rid of old cards, notes, texts, emails, pictures, etc. Anything that stirs up fond memories is bad news. Your reality is that he's not capable of being who you need for him to be. And the "what if" game in your head is really dangerous. It makes you responsible for his actions and you are NOT. IF he had wanted sobriety, he would have chosen it for himself. It didn't have anything to do with you. You didn't do anything wrong, you couldn't have done anything differently. It was the nature of the illness, NOT you that prevented him from choosing recovery.
So feel it, process it, but then remind yourself of all the reasons you're not with him anymore, and then shift your focus to something that makes you happy. Thoughts and actions are powerful. Give yourself permission to be happy. Remember your tagline - turn the pain into power. Keep talking here for as long as you need to.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
It helps me to put different spins on things so with that in mind I'm going to offer a different way to spin this...
When I filed for divorce I wasn't even sure I wanted one. I just wanted him out of the house for awhile and he refused so I had to file to make it happen. We hardly ever argued and he was not abusive in our marriage. He never cheated. No deal breakers (other than the alcoholism and all it brought to the table). He's sober now. If it were not for how he behaved in those last 6mos and year or two after the divorce I'd probably entertain the thought of reconciling. I would never now - no way - not after what he did. I didn't know he had it in him to be so awful. I remember our past and the good that we shared. I have forgiven him for that terrible time (and I wasn't perfect either) but not forgotten and I'll never consider a relationship with him again.
So Butterfly - no matter how nice the nice times were - he has behaved horribly. Perhaps horribly enough that you can release your 'what ifs' and just be done? Spin it so that you see what you know about him today - not what you knew about him in the past. You can't un-know things with out incredible denial and alternate realities. Force yourself to always consider all that you know *today*.
When I filed for divorce I wasn't even sure I wanted one. I just wanted him out of the house for awhile and he refused so I had to file to make it happen. We hardly ever argued and he was not abusive in our marriage. He never cheated. No deal breakers (other than the alcoholism and all it brought to the table). He's sober now. If it were not for how he behaved in those last 6mos and year or two after the divorce I'd probably entertain the thought of reconciling. I would never now - no way - not after what he did. I didn't know he had it in him to be so awful. I remember our past and the good that we shared. I have forgiven him for that terrible time (and I wasn't perfect either) but not forgotten and I'll never consider a relationship with him again.
So Butterfly - no matter how nice the nice times were - he has behaved horribly. Perhaps horribly enough that you can release your 'what ifs' and just be done? Spin it so that you see what you know about him today - not what you knew about him in the past. You can't un-know things with out incredible denial and alternate realities. Force yourself to always consider all that you know *today*.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
It's ok to miss people we no longer want in our lives.
My missing them feelings used to confuse me because I had always acted off of my feelings rather then just sitting with them and learning to understand them.
When someone does something wrong it doesn't erase all the good things they have done but sadly those wrong things over shadow the good and become detrimental to our well being.
It's ok to feel the hurt to, we can use that hurt as a compass moving forward so we are more prepared to see and address situations early on. We become more aware of red flags and are more prepared to move forward when we are ready.
My missing them feelings used to confuse me because I had always acted off of my feelings rather then just sitting with them and learning to understand them.
When someone does something wrong it doesn't erase all the good things they have done but sadly those wrong things over shadow the good and become detrimental to our well being.
It's ok to feel the hurt to, we can use that hurt as a compass moving forward so we are more prepared to see and address situations early on. We become more aware of red flags and are more prepared to move forward when we are ready.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
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As has been said, the "what if" game keeps pain alive and has no end to itself. I have played back almost each day of my relationship with my xabf wondering what would have happened if I had said A rather than B. What if I had just walked away that one time. But it never was one time, it was countless times. What if I had just said nothing rather than how I really felt? Does it matter anymore? No.
Then I asked what would be diffrent now if I had walked away on our 3rd date when he confessed that he was doing community service for a 5th DWI? What if I had walked away the first time I saw him really wasted? What if I dropped him like a bad habit the first time he dumped me because I busted him buying pills from the bartender at his job and started trolling tramps on Craigslist? What if I had loved myself as much as I loved him? Well, I probably wouldn't be in this group for one.
So these are my new "what if"s" What if I laugh? What if I join that group that likes to take walking tours? What if I sleep in just because I can? What if I imagine a life of the love I deserve? Do I miss him? I don't know? Like the song "Someone that I used to know" says
You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness. We don't miss them as much as we are uncomfortable with uncertainty and haven't established a new normal. They we're awful, but predictable.
I hope and pray you find the what if that makes you happy and sing out loud. (((Hugs)))
Then I asked what would be diffrent now if I had walked away on our 3rd date when he confessed that he was doing community service for a 5th DWI? What if I had walked away the first time I saw him really wasted? What if I dropped him like a bad habit the first time he dumped me because I busted him buying pills from the bartender at his job and started trolling tramps on Craigslist? What if I had loved myself as much as I loved him? Well, I probably wouldn't be in this group for one.
So these are my new "what if"s" What if I laugh? What if I join that group that likes to take walking tours? What if I sleep in just because I can? What if I imagine a life of the love I deserve? Do I miss him? I don't know? Like the song "Someone that I used to know" says
You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness. We don't miss them as much as we are uncomfortable with uncertainty and haven't established a new normal. They we're awful, but predictable.
I hope and pray you find the what if that makes you happy and sing out loud. (((Hugs)))
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,057
Thumper's posts reminded me that I do still miss my ex at times. He's been interviewed in the news lately for job related reasons. Seeing him stirs up some feelings, but what I've noticed are the dark circles and bags under his eyes, the weight gain, the light that's gone from his eyes that he had while he was in recovery. All signs that tell me he's still drinking/using and that it was never about me. I did the right thing for myself in leaving him.
Baby Steps
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Join Date: Apr 2014
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Thank you everyone so much it really helps posting here. I admire everyone who had the strength to walk away I would never have had that strength if he hadn't left me I'd still be with him id have hung in there, I did for 18 years but he walked out rather than seriously try to stop drinking, not just meaningless words and no drink for a week or so, the usual story I can control my drinking, I don't need help, you all know the excuses. I'd have done anything for him and he threw us away for what freedom to drink!!!!
Maybe I do miss what could have been, what I deserved to be loved and treated with love and respect.
Yeah I play the what if game often, what if I'd been stronger set boundaries, what if I didnt torture him after he left and on and on and your all right it gets me no where
He is the familiar or was I don't know who he is now. I'm lonely, scared and emotionally exhausted.
Maybe I do miss what could have been, what I deserved to be loved and treated with love and respect.
Yeah I play the what if game often, what if I'd been stronger set boundaries, what if I didnt torture him after he left and on and on and your all right it gets me no where
He is the familiar or was I don't know who he is now. I'm lonely, scared and emotionally exhausted.
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,057
Originally Posted by Butterfly 
Maybe I do miss what could have been, what I deserved to be loved and treated with love and respect.
Starting with today, baby steps at a time. What can you do for yourself today that is self-loving?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 3
My wife has said similar things about me. I feel for you and for him. In a relationship, if you aren't moving in a positive direction, you're moving in a negative direction. I lean towards hoping that that positive direction can be together, but sometimes that's not possible.
I wish both of you good luck.
I wish both of you good luck.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
what is it exactly you MISS? what did he bring to your life? he was bailing on you from when you first met......it wasn't like you guys had the perfect life and all was well and then one day OUT OF THE BLUE he up and left without a word.......he's prepared you for this at least FIVE times.
how did you survive when he was gone for five years?
how did you survive when he was gone for five years?
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
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Maybe if I hadn't pushed for answers, for him to seek help, if I'd left him alone we wouldn't be where we are now, if I hadn't felt that I needed to control him, his drinking, if I'd left him alone when he left, maybe we wouldn't be getting divorced, maybe he would have gotten help.
That's not how it works. He was going to do whatever it is he does. It's just the nature of the beast.
And of course you miss him. You're going through your memories and thinking of the times he was available to you. Those moments were real. But the reason why you are where you are is because he's incapable of stringing enough of those moments together in order to be a committed, responsible spouse. And that has nothing to do with you.
I wish I could tell you when the pain will stop. The truth is I don't know. My guess is you'll always have a wound from this. But while you'll have a wound, you can assimilate that wound, make it a part of you, and go forward with your life. Take care of you.
Baby Steps
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Join Date: Apr 2014
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Anvil I was younger, I was a stronger person, we were married just over a year, I hadn't reached the point where I believed I was useless and completely dependent on him. I partied for just over a year, went out with other people, not the best way to cope I know. It was somewhere along this time that I thought only he can fix me, I think it was after I split up with a boyfriend and he was supportive, looking back I think this was the time when I thought he could fix me and we got back together, I pushed and pushed to see if he would turn to drink and become violent again he didn't.
Thank you zoso, the good memories are what's holding me onto him, the things he said and the false promises.
Thank you zoso, the good memories are what's holding me onto him, the things he said and the false promises.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Sorry you're going through this spell B, but I trust that you'll get back on the horse tomorrow and keep riding out of town.
I understand that some part of you will never quite break the connection, but you're learning how to live your own life now, and he'll gradually fade into the distance. Time does heal a lot of our heartache. Who knows, you might even meet someone else one day?
I understand that some part of you will never quite break the connection, but you're learning how to live your own life now, and he'll gradually fade into the distance. Time does heal a lot of our heartache. Who knows, you might even meet someone else one day?
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