Missing him
Baby Steps
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
Thanks hopeful and feelinggreat.
I miss the person he was at times, who I knew he could be if he only sought help we could have had the life we both wanted. He's made his choice he doesn't want help.
I need to remember time and space will help it has so far and when I think to when he first left I have moved forward a bit. I feel as though I will never get over the hurt caused by his manipulation, lies and how he has behaved but again time and space will help. As for meeting someone else I can honestly say I will never allow someone to get that close to me again!!!!
I am learning to live without him, some sort of life anyway, I realised in counselling that I'm not really living, im using my responsibilities to my kids and work and the home as excuses to not getting out in the world. It's safer and less scary and maybe that's where I need to be right now somewhere it's safe and secure until I'm feeling more confident and less damaged!!
I miss the person he was at times, who I knew he could be if he only sought help we could have had the life we both wanted. He's made his choice he doesn't want help.
I need to remember time and space will help it has so far and when I think to when he first left I have moved forward a bit. I feel as though I will never get over the hurt caused by his manipulation, lies and how he has behaved but again time and space will help. As for meeting someone else I can honestly say I will never allow someone to get that close to me again!!!!
I am learning to live without him, some sort of life anyway, I realised in counselling that I'm not really living, im using my responsibilities to my kids and work and the home as excuses to not getting out in the world. It's safer and less scary and maybe that's where I need to be right now somewhere it's safe and secure until I'm feeling more confident and less damaged!!
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
You could have stood on your head and done cartwheels,if he doesn't want help he's not going to get it.
Of course you'll have feelings of missing him, they will be there for awhile then they'll dissipate.......
Of course you'll have feelings of missing him, they will be there for awhile then they'll dissipate.......
Originally Posted by Butterfly 
While I'm trying to work through accepting my situation this is one thing I have to accept, I miss him. I've tried to not acknowledge it, ignore these feelings but I can't keep avoiding feelings I have, like I miss him.
He wasn't always bad he had times when he was loving and thoughtful, he didn't drink every night or every weekend but when he did that's when the problems rose, drinking to passing out, sneaking out in the middle of the night to keep drinking or waking up the next day and going on a bender. This isn't romanticism I know I couldn't have lived with my life much longer the way it was but it doesn't stop me missing him, loving him and feeling such hurt with how he has treated me throughout our marriage and since he walked out, ignoring me, not talking to me face to face or being honest with me, just shows how he really feels about me to treat me this way that I meant so little to him, that our kids mean so little to him. I suppose it's easier for him to not see me or speak to me face to face he doesn't have to deal with the hurt and damage he's caused, I think I don't know anymore.
Maybe if I hadn't pushed for answers, for him to seek help, if I'd left him alone we wouldn't be where we are now, if I hadn't felt that I needed to control him, his drinking, if I'd left him alone when he left, maybe we wouldn't be getting divorced, maybe he would have gotten help.
I don't feel I will be able to accept how he has hurt me and move on I feel I will always carry this hurt around with me, has anyone else felt this way??
Sorry I know this post is about him and it shouldn't be.
He wasn't always bad he had times when he was loving and thoughtful, he didn't drink every night or every weekend but when he did that's when the problems rose, drinking to passing out, sneaking out in the middle of the night to keep drinking or waking up the next day and going on a bender. This isn't romanticism I know I couldn't have lived with my life much longer the way it was but it doesn't stop me missing him, loving him and feeling such hurt with how he has treated me throughout our marriage and since he walked out, ignoring me, not talking to me face to face or being honest with me, just shows how he really feels about me to treat me this way that I meant so little to him, that our kids mean so little to him. I suppose it's easier for him to not see me or speak to me face to face he doesn't have to deal with the hurt and damage he's caused, I think I don't know anymore.
Maybe if I hadn't pushed for answers, for him to seek help, if I'd left him alone we wouldn't be where we are now, if I hadn't felt that I needed to control him, his drinking, if I'd left him alone when he left, maybe we wouldn't be getting divorced, maybe he would have gotten help.
I don't feel I will be able to accept how he has hurt me and move on I feel I will always carry this hurt around with me, has anyone else felt this way??
Sorry I know this post is about him and it shouldn't be.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Originally Posted by Butterfly
I admire everyone who had the strength to walk away I would never have had that strength if he hadn't left me I'd still be with him id have hung in there, I did for 18 years
Originally Posted by Butterfly
Anvil I was younger, I was a stronger person, we were married just over a year, I hadn't reached the point where I believed I was useless and completely dependent on him.
) You are still her. My sister gave me one of those wooden painting/sign decorations when I was going through my divorce and all that mess. I have it hanging by my computer.
When it hurts to look back and you're afraid to look ahead; look beside you and there will be your friends
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
If I only hadn't < fill in the blank >, maybe he would have < done something different than what he did >.
One of the things I've learned in dealing with a kid with mental illnesses is radical acceptance. It's really a grief process when you realize your child will never have a "normal" life -- just like when you realize that you'll never have a "normal" family (like in the ads where everyone's clean and has great hair and smile at each other).
Radical acceptance in its simplest form is that you just look at reality the way it IS. Not the way you would want it to be. Not the way it maybe could have been, given that variables x, y, and z had been replaced with a, b, and c. You look reality straight in the eye and accept that it is exactly what it is.
My kid may never reach those "normal" milestones of graduation and prom and getting a license. My life has become a lot less stressful since I accepted that instead of wishing things were different, and instead of wondering if things would have been different if I had just [insert everything from "not had coffee during the pregnancy" to "left her abusive father sooner"] instead of doing what I did.
He's gone. Your marriage is over. Regardless of what could have happened -- it didn't. It's like grieving. The whole denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance process? Yep. You've got to go through it when a marriage ends as well. It sucks, but the fastest way to the other side is straight through.
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 224
I have had the same types of thoughts recently. I understand. It is so painful to remain with these feelings and thoughts and they are somewhere else living their life. I decided to stop fighting how I felt and just accept that I love him still. He was bad for me, but he wasn't all bad. I played my own role in breaking us. I wish I could do a few things differently... and sometimes I even think that if I had, perhaps we would be together. If I had been more patient, or I had been a better communicator. maybe...but the way he has treated me since we broke it off and the choices he has made are still outside of my control. If I am the only one here who is committed to working recovery- even through this intense pain- and boy, don't I wish he was healthy and committed enough to our love to give me some sign that he is trying and really loves me...but he doesn't. It seems a little more manageable to me to accept that I love him still, but will remain in NC instead of trying to "fix" my feelings...but this is truly one of the most painful experiences of my life- right after the death of my mother but heck, even that was this drawn out.
Baby Steps
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
Thanks uncertainty that is a beautiful quote. I don't feel very strong, I feel weak as I feel stuck, will not/cannot go back but scared to go forward. I feel that I should be further along in my own recovery and I feel weak and frustrated that I'm not.
Lillamy, thank you at the minute I am trying to work on acceptance, accepting my reality, the what ifs, if only don't matter it's what is/has happened I'm trying to focus on and accept. ((((Hugs)))) there was nothing you did or didn't do to cause your child mental illness all you can do is support your child as best you can.
Time thank you and ((((hugs)))). Yeah he's off living his life with no responsibilities except when he chooses. I have tried to tell myself that I hate him but I don't I love him, but I hate the hurt he has caused, he gave up on us, our marriage, our family. I think that is what has hurt the most that he gave up and walked away without much thought and has ignored me and doesn't make much of an effort with the kids. I agree with you in that this is the most painful experience of my life, I think that's why I don't feel I will ever get over this but we can only take one day at a time.
It's so strange that we are divorcing and that is the reality, it's funny though he has recently gotten my response to his petition and he's not impressed I won't agree with the lies he told,(we have been separated for 5 years apparently). Anyway he mentioned that he takes DS to school and home again everyday or home from the gym, after school. In my response I said that he only takes him if he is going to work. Well DS is off school this week and stbxah has taken 2 days off work and has offered to take him and pick him up from the gym, now never since he left has he Taken DS anywhere during school holidays or spent time with him even if he was off work at the same time.
That has angered me today, not that he's spending time with DS but this is the first time he's offered to do this and I don't think it has anything to do with helping me out or maybe I'm wrong, timing is strange.
Lillamy, thank you at the minute I am trying to work on acceptance, accepting my reality, the what ifs, if only don't matter it's what is/has happened I'm trying to focus on and accept. ((((Hugs)))) there was nothing you did or didn't do to cause your child mental illness all you can do is support your child as best you can.
Time thank you and ((((hugs)))). Yeah he's off living his life with no responsibilities except when he chooses. I have tried to tell myself that I hate him but I don't I love him, but I hate the hurt he has caused, he gave up on us, our marriage, our family. I think that is what has hurt the most that he gave up and walked away without much thought and has ignored me and doesn't make much of an effort with the kids. I agree with you in that this is the most painful experience of my life, I think that's why I don't feel I will ever get over this but we can only take one day at a time.
It's so strange that we are divorcing and that is the reality, it's funny though he has recently gotten my response to his petition and he's not impressed I won't agree with the lies he told,(we have been separated for 5 years apparently). Anyway he mentioned that he takes DS to school and home again everyday or home from the gym, after school. In my response I said that he only takes him if he is going to work. Well DS is off school this week and stbxah has taken 2 days off work and has offered to take him and pick him up from the gym, now never since he left has he Taken DS anywhere during school holidays or spent time with him even if he was off work at the same time.
That has angered me today, not that he's spending time with DS but this is the first time he's offered to do this and I don't think it has anything to do with helping me out or maybe I'm wrong, timing is strange.
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