XA was caught cheating...need encouragement
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Baltimore, MD
Posts: 348
My pain is less than it was one month ago. I attribute that to the amazing support I've gotten here as well as therapy. Forgive me if I need you guys to pound these things into my head a million times. I promise I am listening...and you all are helping. Don't get frustrated because I need reassurance some days as it's only been 4 weeks. I don't think I'll be here asking for the same advice 6 months from now. It's just that right now everything is still fresh and raw as I just found out he was cheating.
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
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Jodie, I don't see FireSprite's post as a criticism, either. Please don't take it that way. It's just that you go on and on about what you did for that man and his kids, etc. etc. and are just so totally blown away that he could ever do this to you. He's a MONSTER, that's why. NOTHING you did, said, or ANYTHING would have changed him. And mark my words... he will do this again. It's WHO HE IS.
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Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 667
Been here. Done this. It hurts alot when you first learn of it. You feel all sorts of emotions. They all run their course. She asked me to please get over it. I never could. I don't feel badly that I couldn't.
Trust me. You are FAR better off alone. You will heal and carry on. Don't try and figure out why it happened. It wasn't your fault. Move on with you.
I had sleep disorders for years when we were together. No I can sleep peacefully.
Trust me. You are FAR better off alone. You will heal and carry on. Don't try and figure out why it happened. It wasn't your fault. Move on with you.
I had sleep disorders for years when we were together. No I can sleep peacefully.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
You'll get through this Jodie, you will. I suggested reading your last thread because it had a ton of amazing, insightful & caring posts.
Trust me when I say that I've been you in many ways - the overwhelming confusion, the beating my head against the wall over the same points, the constant nausea & pounding migraines that it all brought with it.
One day you will look back & not recognize the person that you used to be because you will have walked so many miles in a different direction. (((((hugs)))))
Trust me when I say that I've been you in many ways - the overwhelming confusion, the beating my head against the wall over the same points, the constant nausea & pounding migraines that it all brought with it.
One day you will look back & not recognize the person that you used to be because you will have walked so many miles in a different direction. (((((hugs)))))
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Originally Posted by Jodie77 
I'm trying to understand what I could have done differently; maybe if I didn't nag so much or maybe if I wasn't so reserved (I don't think he liked my personality), or maybe if I didn't challenge him so much or retaliate then he wouldn't have left.
When I found out AXH was cheating and had cheated throughout our marriage, it felt like I'd been hit with a sledgehammer. That feeling goes away, it fades. I healed, and I learned which red flags I'd blithely ignored. And I know I won't ignore them if they show up when I start dating again.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
I used to kind of make a personal game out of turning things back around on myself. If I was having an obsessive thought or question about my ex, I'd flip it and turn the question back on myself. It was an....uncomfortable kind of truth. For instance I had a lot of emotion (OK rage) about how he chose to parent (or lack of). I would think/say "How could he blah blay blah doesn't he love his kids" or "Why doesn't he blah blah." The bottom line is that it is mystifying to me and there is no words to get me to understand because I'm not him. It isn't how I tick. So I'd flip it and say "I love my kids and I'm doing xyz." because trust me I was far from a perfect parent. I was a bitter, exhausted, controlling, deeply unhappy woman - there was a lot of room for improvement to become a mother my kids deserved and obsessing about my ex wasn't getting me there. One of your posts on this thread made me think of it.
"I'm trying to understand what I could have done differently; maybe if I didn't nag so much or maybe if I wasn't so reserved (I don't think he liked my personality), or maybe if I didn't challenge him so much or retaliate then he wouldn't have left."
could become
"I'm trying to understand why I trusted him. What do I need to learn in order to see people more clearly? Why would I want to change myself in order to hang on to someone I don't even want?" One gets you a thread full of more replies that say he's a loser, and one is going to get you something you might be able to use to make a better future for yourself.
So - what do you think your experience here would look like if you made that switch. What would happen of all of SR just said 'Nope - not gonna speak of that loser again. We are no longer going to play the game of what he's thinking, feeling, doing, choosing, or living. We've said it all. '
"I'm trying to understand what I could have done differently; maybe if I didn't nag so much or maybe if I wasn't so reserved (I don't think he liked my personality), or maybe if I didn't challenge him so much or retaliate then he wouldn't have left."
could become
"I'm trying to understand why I trusted him. What do I need to learn in order to see people more clearly? Why would I want to change myself in order to hang on to someone I don't even want?" One gets you a thread full of more replies that say he's a loser, and one is going to get you something you might be able to use to make a better future for yourself.
So - what do you think your experience here would look like if you made that switch. What would happen of all of SR just said 'Nope - not gonna speak of that loser again. We are no longer going to play the game of what he's thinking, feeling, doing, choosing, or living. We've said it all. '
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Jodie, there is a ton of wisdom in Thumper's excellent post above.
It's time to start asking yourself the tough questions about yourself and your choices instead of the unanswerable questions about him.
It's time to start asking yourself the tough questions about yourself and your choices instead of the unanswerable questions about him.
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: Wherever we go, there we are.
Posts: 108
"When the past calls, let it go to voicemail. It has nothing new to say."
"Cry now because you lost him or cry later because you have him." Anon
Jodie, your signatures are great reminders. Heed their advice
"Cry now because you lost him or cry later because you have him." Anon
Jodie, your signatures are great reminders. Heed their advice
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Jodie,
I do know how you feel. I think I had told you that I was married for over 27 years. Lived with him for 25 years. He was always leaving and divorcing me. Then he kept coming back, telling me that he loved me, would never divorce me, that if we were to get a divorce, then it would be me that filed it, not him.
I didn't like to diagnose him, but I'm going to say that I would be close to 100% accurate that he had a borderline personality disorder. I read a forum about bpd, and it's like they are talking about him. Well, whatever, doesn't matter to me now, I just really didn't like the way he treated me.
I also found out after our divorce that he was dating someone for several years. I was so angry that day. I felt like such a fool. I felt like he never cared about me, and just used me.
I don't feel that way anymore. Infact, I met her twice within the last year. I knew her, she worked with my ex. I just went over to her, put my hand out to shake hers, and said nice seeing you again. The next time was at my sons wedding. She complimented me on my gown, and I complimented her on her necklace. Even went over to her at the end of the night, to say goodbye to her. I actually pity her now, and for some reason, I really do feel that she will be seeking out help shortly.
So, while I know this all hurts, and it will for awhile, you really are the lucky one here. You deserve so much better then him. You are a terrific person.
(((((((((((hugs)))))))))) and hang in there, it will get better
amy
I do know how you feel. I think I had told you that I was married for over 27 years. Lived with him for 25 years. He was always leaving and divorcing me. Then he kept coming back, telling me that he loved me, would never divorce me, that if we were to get a divorce, then it would be me that filed it, not him.
I didn't like to diagnose him, but I'm going to say that I would be close to 100% accurate that he had a borderline personality disorder. I read a forum about bpd, and it's like they are talking about him. Well, whatever, doesn't matter to me now, I just really didn't like the way he treated me.
I also found out after our divorce that he was dating someone for several years. I was so angry that day. I felt like such a fool. I felt like he never cared about me, and just used me.
I don't feel that way anymore. Infact, I met her twice within the last year. I knew her, she worked with my ex. I just went over to her, put my hand out to shake hers, and said nice seeing you again. The next time was at my sons wedding. She complimented me on my gown, and I complimented her on her necklace. Even went over to her at the end of the night, to say goodbye to her. I actually pity her now, and for some reason, I really do feel that she will be seeking out help shortly.
So, while I know this all hurts, and it will for awhile, you really are the lucky one here. You deserve so much better then him. You are a terrific person.
(((((((((((hugs)))))))))) and hang in there, it will get better
amy
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hi Jodie!
I'm so sorry because I know that finding out that someone you love has cheated is really the most incredible sense of betrayal you can feel. I know because my ex-husband cheated on me, and I did not find out until months after it began.
Your grief and the work you do to process all of this are yours...and you have every right to process this in your way and in your time. No one has the right to rush anyone else's grief.
I'm so glad that you have the real-world support of counseling now! It really helped me so much after my divorce.
I'm so sorry because I know that finding out that someone you love has cheated is really the most incredible sense of betrayal you can feel. I know because my ex-husband cheated on me, and I did not find out until months after it began.
Your grief and the work you do to process all of this are yours...and you have every right to process this in your way and in your time. No one has the right to rush anyone else's grief.
I'm so glad that you have the real-world support of counseling now! It really helped me so much after my divorce.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Jodie,
I second the suggestion that you read your previous thread. All of these questions have been discussed to death. Just as there's nothing you could have said/done to make him change, our repeating ourselves here ad nauseum isn't going to change how you feel.
Just as the only one who can change HIM is HIM, YOU are the only one who can change YOUR thinking.
You are running in circles here--if you find you cannot get off this obsession, I'd kindly suggest you talk to a therapist. I'm not trying to be harsh or ignoring your pain--that is real. But I don't think hearing the exact same thing over and over is going to ultimately do any good.
Hugs,
I second the suggestion that you read your previous thread. All of these questions have been discussed to death. Just as there's nothing you could have said/done to make him change, our repeating ourselves here ad nauseum isn't going to change how you feel.
Just as the only one who can change HIM is HIM, YOU are the only one who can change YOUR thinking.
You are running in circles here--if you find you cannot get off this obsession, I'd kindly suggest you talk to a therapist. I'm not trying to be harsh or ignoring your pain--that is real. But I don't think hearing the exact same thing over and over is going to ultimately do any good.
Hugs,
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It is my absolute conviction that a person who will cheat on you DRUNK will cheat on you SOBER.
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Re-read this post...........
Re-read this post.....
Re-read this post.....
Originally Posted by Jodie77
I recently found out that he had the other woman on the side for quite some time (while we were quite literally building a house and a life together). He up and left and never looked back with zero explanation. Slowly the pieces of the puzzle have come together for me. Today marks one month that he left me for her and has since allowed his friends to plaster their torrid affair all over social media. I guess my holding him accountable for his daily cocaine and alcohol use was wearing thin on him (5 years). Not to mention my retaliation due to his continual verbal and emotional abuse.
I just want reminders why I'm better off, and basically what a scum bag he is for abusing me for 5 years, then ultimately cheating and leaving me in the dust like a one night stand. Yes I'm in therapy and support groups and reading books. If you all could offer some words of wisdom/insight into this situation though I would greatly appreciate it.
I just want reminders why I'm better off, and basically what a scum bag he is for abusing me for 5 years, then ultimately cheating and leaving me in the dust like a one night stand. Yes I'm in therapy and support groups and reading books. If you all could offer some words of wisdom/insight into this situation though I would greatly appreciate it.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
I cannot count the times I have wanted to rewrite certain life events.
If only I could undo it, alter it, pretend it never happened, or make it all better.
I could have beat my head against the wall, or pulled my hair out in utter frustration but it would not have done a damn bit of good.
The only thing that truly helped me was to stay in my today. The past is done, gone, over to continue to torment myself with all the bittersweet memories was nothing short of a form of torture.
Perhaps you could give yourself a bit of slack here, and surrender/accept to this is how life is today yes he left, but you still have YOU. and what are you able/ willing to do today, to feel better about yourself?
Betrayal/cheating cuts to the core, as awful as it hurts, it's better to know the truth, so you don't have to spend one more effin day on this earth with an unworthy partner. You do believe you deserve better, right?
IMHO, you invested way too much of yourself in an unavailable partner, now you have to do the gut wretching work of taking your life back.
If only I could undo it, alter it, pretend it never happened, or make it all better.
I could have beat my head against the wall, or pulled my hair out in utter frustration but it would not have done a damn bit of good.
The only thing that truly helped me was to stay in my today. The past is done, gone, over to continue to torment myself with all the bittersweet memories was nothing short of a form of torture.
Perhaps you could give yourself a bit of slack here, and surrender/accept to this is how life is today yes he left, but you still have YOU. and what are you able/ willing to do today, to feel better about yourself?
Betrayal/cheating cuts to the core, as awful as it hurts, it's better to know the truth, so you don't have to spend one more effin day on this earth with an unworthy partner. You do believe you deserve better, right?
IMHO, you invested way too much of yourself in an unavailable partner, now you have to do the gut wretching work of taking your life back.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 865
Originally Posted by zoso77
There is an explanation. He's an addict, and this is what addicts do.
Doesn't say much about his friends, does it.
I suspect that in addition to his addiction issues, he's a Borderline Personality. If you combine the addiction issues with a character disorder like that, what you have is a recipe for complete, utter disaster. Fortunately, this is no longer your problem.
Allow me to speculate as to what is likely happening. He's idealizing the new girl. But the idealization stage only lasts so long. What happens when she disappoints him? Or when she attempts to hold him accountable for his behavior? That's when he'll start to turn on her. See, what the new girl doesn't realize is if he could do what he did to you, he could do the same thing to her. This is why the new girl is foolish. Why would someone even remotely trust him, given his history?
In short, this is why you're better off. There is no way, and I mean no effing way, this would have worked with him. It was destined to end the way it did. It doesn't matter what you did or didn't do. He's toxic.
Screw him.
Doesn't say much about his friends, does it.
I suspect that in addition to his addiction issues, he's a Borderline Personality. If you combine the addiction issues with a character disorder like that, what you have is a recipe for complete, utter disaster. Fortunately, this is no longer your problem.
Allow me to speculate as to what is likely happening. He's idealizing the new girl. But the idealization stage only lasts so long. What happens when she disappoints him? Or when she attempts to hold him accountable for his behavior? That's when he'll start to turn on her. See, what the new girl doesn't realize is if he could do what he did to you, he could do the same thing to her. This is why the new girl is foolish. Why would someone even remotely trust him, given his history?
In short, this is why you're better off. There is no way, and I mean no effing way, this would have worked with him. It was destined to end the way it did. It doesn't matter what you did or didn't do. He's toxic.
Screw him.
What he said.....
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
It isn't a matter of "cutting you slack"--I'm not suggesting for a second that you will get over this instantly. I'm only saying that the answers to the SAME QUESTION are not going to change. Nobody is going to give you a magic answer that will somehow make all of this make sense.
I'm concerned that you don't seem to be taking any steps to move forward. At least, not that you've shared here. Have you been going to Al-Anon? Started a project around the house you've been putting off? Seen a good movie? Read a good book (self-help or just for entertainment)? What are you doing for YOU?
I'm concerned that you don't seem to be taking any steps to move forward. At least, not that you've shared here. Have you been going to Al-Anon? Started a project around the house you've been putting off? Seen a good movie? Read a good book (self-help or just for entertainment)? What are you doing for YOU?
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