AnvilheadII

so considering he, in your words, abused you and was a daily cocaine user as well as drinker, what exactly were you so IN LOVE with?? you mentioned a page back that you "loved him IN SPITE of how he treated you" - that right there is a big signal that this isn't so much about LOVE hon as it is....control, codependency, selecting the emotionally unavailable, attempting to rewrite FOO outcomes....

as i said before, it wasn't that you guys had a PERFECT FIVE YEARS and then on day 1 of year 6 he left....there were problems, BIG ONES, all along. he was giving you signs right and left. there were so many red flags flying i'm surprised you don't have windburn.

but you failed to recognize them....OR....chose NOT to see them, aka DENIAL.

relatiionships end all the time. every day. long ones, short ones. sometimes the break up is drawn out, sometimes its sudden. it's human nature, not JUST the drugs or JUST cuz he's a creep. you aren't alone. you are not the first person to get dumped. i think that is where the reference to "EGO" comes in.....not ME, how dare he dump ME.

it's a world of free choice....people get to come and go as they wish. we don't own em, and unless we chain them to foundation, we don't get to keep them forever. your lesson is to learn how to let go.

theuncertainty

Jodie, I completely understand wanting validation that he's an a--hat. (He is.) I wanted that validation, too, when I realized what an abusive a@#$#@ AXH was. While it helped me to hear it from others, it also helped when I told myself that. To remind myself why I didn't want to go back (because there were times I thought he'd change) I made a list of every nasty thing that I remembered he did. After I'd been in a DV support group and seeing a counselor for a while, I was able to write the following at the bottom of the last page: And none of that was right and I didn't any of deserve it.

I also wanted validation that I wasn't a complete idiot for staying with him, for loving him.

I wasn't stupid, or asking for it; I didn't want or volunteer for how he treated me. I didn't cause it and I didn't deserve it. And neither do you.

Keep on working through this. You're going to be OK. Really.

Jodie77

I am in Alanon, also a support group for domestic violence once per week, and I see a therapist 2x per week.

Hammer

Jodie, I track you are in Alanon.

Folks may get tired of this, but it bears repeating if just for you alone.

Going to the meetings is only PART of the Program.

Do the Steps. It will bring clarity to your mind. Promise.

LexieCat

Good, I'm glad you're getting so much help. What do your therapist and your Al-Anon sponsor say when you ask them these questions?

freetosmile

Jodie-

I gotta say girlie--

You sound WAY healthier now! I'm so proud of you. You talk about your sadness but also follow up with a "you don't want an abuser anyway". Good on ya!!!

This too, like the acute agony, will subside.

Time is the biggest healer in times like these.

I'm so proud of you girlie!

Hang in there-- you are going places for sure!

Hugs

redatlanta

You sound better this week than last hooray!

I have been one to ask the same question many times. Especially in matters of a break up. Why this, why that, what if I did this, what if I did that? Yep i have talked my friends to death before asking the same question over and over and over.

When I ask the same question (in different ways) over and over its because I am searching for a different answer, or trying to manipulate someone to tell me what I want to hear.

Its a terrific legal move attorneys use. LOL.

Maybe that's a little of what is happening here. I am not sure. What I can tell is you sound much better. Good Deal. Keep on with it you got this.

MsPINKAcres

((Jodie))

For me, it was a process ~ there were good days, bad days and then horrible days, and so forth ~

I had wonderful support of al-anon, SR, the God of my understanding and HOPE ~ so I got through it ~ just as I believe you will . . .

One of the things that help me was what a dear sponsor shared with me. . .

She has me to take a good realistic view of what I had in my marriage, what my then AH was really like, what he truly did, how he treated me, our marriage, his addiction, stealing, lying, etc ~

then she asked me now what would you do if one of your daughters picked someone just like him for their mate ? what would suggest for them? Because by continuing to all yourself to be discounted, disrespected and abused you are communicating to your daughters that this is acceptable behavior from their spouse.

Is this the message you want your daughters to see from you?

As a mom of 5 beautiful daughters, that was a very powerful motivator for me ~

I hope this encourages you that things will get better ~ allow yourself the time to feel the grief of what you thought you & he were going to have ~ then allow yourself the hope of what the future may hold for you . . .

Wishing you the best ~

HealingWillCome

Haven't read all the responses, so forgive me if this is a repeat. But the sooner you start to put your focus on you, the sooner you will start to heal. Start to believe everyone who tells you he's a piece of crap and that he won't change. For the cheater, an affair is just another way to get a fix, a high, a rush, a thrill. Cheaters are cheaters just like addicts are addicts and abusers are abusers, etc. It is who they are. His choices have and had nothing to do with you. I know that's a blow to the ego. After all, you were the one he couldn't live without, right? But the raw truth is that people like him use people like us...until we learn why and choose to stop allowing it.

You were a one-time willing participant in his games. Good news--he has a new victim. Now you are free, you lucky girl! Free in the truest sense because you are at turning point in your life. You can, if you so choose, start to dig deep and figure out what made you say yes to a relationship with a man like him in the first place. You have this beautiful opportunity to get to know yourself. Learn who you are, what makes you happy, what makes you hurt, what brings you peace, what makes you tick, you know?

You have a big, beautiful, life-altering-if-you-let-it-be opportunity ahead of you...if you choose it. If it's a journey you choose, it will be hard. Because the reasons we choose addicts and alcoholics and cheaters and abusers usually aren't pretty ones. For me, I was trying to heal wounds left by an alcoholic, womanizing father. I subconsciously tried to replace him to prove my self-worth, you know....prove that someone could love me and not leave me. I did it with an alcoholic, cheating husband first and then with another relationship later, even after I swore I wouldn't. And guess what? They were alcoholics and womanizers. And it didn't have a thing to do with me. But it was those relationships that forced me to take a long, hard look at me.

I finally looked at me, honestly and painfully. Not the alcoholic, cheating men I had chosen. Once I focused on me, things started to unfold and I started to heal...and I could finally start to let go of the men who had hurt me so badly. I understand what you're going through, I really do. I did the same things you're doing now. I asked "why" and "how could they" because I could not wrap my head around how someone could profess love for me one day and leave me the next. But their problems are not about you. They never were and you can't own those things. Or they'll kill you.

I understand that deep pain. It will lessen, I promise. Time to take back your power, Jodie. Start to find yourself and you'll find your healing. I promise.

jjj111

Great post, HWC! I might need to print this out and read it periodically. I have always had a thing for the unavailable addicts. I never wanted to believe that I was replaying my relationship with my parents, and particularly my father, it all just seemed too simple! But at the age of 40, after 20+ years of poor romantic choices, I think it's time for me to face up to it and start thinking about how to choose differently. I have realized that I have developed a lot of habits in my love life that only make it easier for me to slide into such relationships. I am a sucker for men who move quickly and sweep me off my feet, which I've realized is a red flag. I guess I am as guilty as some of the men I've been with of looking for a romantic thrill. But I'm realizing that slow and steady wins the race where dating is concerned. It's so important to get to know a prospective partner and find out who they really are before jumping in. This approach has saved me some heartache this past year. I was interested in a guy I work with who seemed like everything I've been looking for at first, but after spending some time with him as friends I've realized that he has a drinking problem and is not a good prospect. Anyway, thanks for the food for thought! And Jodie, may I suggest that this might be a good time to think about what you will do differently in your next relationship? If you don't start thinking about what your new boundaries will be, it's entirely possible that you will end up in another toxic relationship.

HealingWillCome

Jodie...how my journey to healing has unfolded and ideas for you...Al-Anon, personal therapy, reading (lots and lots of it), SR, journaling (even 5 minutes at a time), no contact with the ex, keeping an ongoing list of bad things about my relationship, spending time with people who love me, doing fun things with girlfriends, writing gratitude lists, spending alone time, treating myself, and staying out of romantic relationships unless I know they're safe and with honorable men. The personal therapist was probably the key for me. She asked me the tough questions and forced me to finally piece it all together. And then keep working on it. The journey is ongoing. Freedom from bad relationships is worth the hard work.

Sara21

Hi Jodie,

Just wanted to send you hugs and I hope you start to feel better about your situation.

I would remind yourself that today is the first day of the rest of your life. You had a life BEFORE you met him, and you will continue to have a life long after he's gone. You don't have to worry about him cheating or lying to you anymore, or about his drinking and drug use. It's not your problem anymore, you are free. Free to do anything you want and go anywhere you want. Free to spend your time with people who are worthy of your friendship and love. People who will truly be there for you. Instead of thinking about what you've lost, try to think about what you've gained. And remember that saying, what doesn't kill you makes you STRONGER.

Hugs

tomsteve

your side wasn't a scam.
Acceptance....not always easy, but when it gets from my head to my heart I get a little more serenity and opens the door to more to recovery.
God
Grant me the serenity
To accept the people I can't change
Courage to change the one I can
And wisdom to know that's me.

shil2587

It is absolutely fine to ask the same questions. It's only been four weeks! Asking the same questions just means you haven't found an answer yet that has sunk in. It took me years to answer some questions and as much time again to act on the answers.

When my RAbf and I had our split it took 6 months to start feeling like me again and to accept that the answer simply was that that is what addicts do. Intellectually I knew that, but it took ages to feel that and to stop asking why. And THATS OK.

Just for now, keep telling yourself you ARE worthy. You DO have a good caring personality and you absolutely deserve better. And, in time, you will come to feel it as well as academically know it. That I can promise you. (((((Hugs)))))

Jupiters

hey Jodie - hope today is a better day for you

Jodie77

Thank you for the empathy and great advice

zoso77

Jodie...

What you're going through has brought back a lot of memories for me. So I decided to go through my email archives and check out the traffic between my clinician and I in the days and the weeks after my AXGF and I broke up.

The thing that bothered me the most in the immediate aftermath of the end was being the target of her sadism. She did some things to me that I really can't discuss here, and she did a couple of things that were designed to provoke me into doing something foolish (which didn't work).

During the first 4 weeks after the end, I was just going through the motions with life. But that was something, at least getting back into the swing of life. And I saw my buddies and played in my band. After 4 weeks, I started to round back into form. I was still angry about the stuff she did, but I was dealing with it.

I share this with you because I do get where you're coming from. I really, really do. At the end of the day, what my AXGF did was just her being her. It wasn't about me. It was about all the cognitive mayhem going on between her ears, and I was easy to blame for all of that cognitive mayhem.

I'll leave you with this. I would not be the slightest bit surprised if you AXBF attempts to contact you down the road. I would not be surprised if he lets you know how happy and wonderful things are with him and his new girlfriend. He'll want to upset and provoke you. And the best way to deal with that is to not take the bait. Do not engage. Do not respond. Ignore it. This has the benefit of both protecting yourself and p*ssing him off at the same time because you won't engage.

One foot in front of the other. Keep moving, even if you don't feel like it.

Cleo1234

How you feeling today, Jodie? Im really sorry for all you're going through.. breakups are hard enough, but breakups with A are like episodes of the Twilight Zone. It just all feels like a big nightmare. I know how angry you must feel that a person you cared/loved so deeply for can be so careless with your heart. You really have to realize what a huge blessing in disguise this is for you. You now have the opportunity to be with someone that will bring you true happiness. I KNOW it doesn't feel like that right now. I wish we could all fast-forward this part!! XO

charis78

They say it takes eleven weeks to get over a relationship. I asked similar questions as you Jodie. And then one day I sorta just snapped out of it, and by that I mean it didn't occupy my whole day. Don't get me wrong I still think about it a little each day. Its normal to want these questions answered when you have been deceived so badly. Its unfortunate that they never are. Where did you find out about his cheating? It must be hard to find this out when your wounds are still so fresh. He does not sound like a. Stand up guy at all. You made a mistake. Its hard to come to terms with the fact that the man you loved isn't who you thought he was. I still have difficulty with it. The thing is ruminating like we do just prolongs the pain. These men don't deserve this much time in our thoughts. There is someone out there that will treat you like a princess but if you don't let him go you will never find him. Take as much time as needed. It took me five months.

charis78

I wonder if you don't believe yourself that he is a n asshat and that is why you need validation from others?is something stopping you from seeing it? Do you not trust your perceptions?