SadInTX

I have been married to my husband for 1 1/2 years. I have two kids from a previous relationship (5& 6 yrs old) and he has two kids from a previous marriage (10 & 14 yrs old). My husband did not drink when we first met. 6 months into our relationship he started drinking. It wasn't bad at first, but progressed. He drinks every day now. Sometimes it is just 6 or 7 beers, but lately he has gone back to drinking Gin and juice. When he gets drunk he says he will either be in a good mood or a bad mood, depending on how I react to him.
He has yelled at me; called me names; accused me of sleeping with his best friend (not in a million years would I do that); verbally abuses me and has been physical with me. (never when the kids were home) He says that I push him to that point and I can never let that happen again. He always apologizes afterwards.
I sometimes think about what my life would be like if I moved out with my kids. I had left him once for a week because of this, but went back to him. I am scared that my ex will try to get custodial custody of my kids. We went through a custody battle recently (I won). I am afraid he would try to say "look, she is unstable, she just left her husband again".
I don't know what to do...I don't have family to stay with and if I go to a shelter I am afraid my ex would try to take my kids away from me. Help, any advice? I cannot go to Al Anon or a therapist, my husband does not allow this. He will not go to AA and says this is who he is and take it or leave it.

kj3880

I need to be honest with you, for your own sake, I think. I hope you can hear what I have to say is coming from a loving place, not critical at all, having been where you are.

I have to say that I think you may be using your kids as an excuse to stay where you know that you need to move on. After all, if your ex found out that your new husband was beating you (lets call a spade a shovel) and was drinking alcoholically every day, that would be much more damaging than a second divorce, don't you agree?

To elaborate, these things always always escalate until the alcoholic gets done. And they get done at their own pace, not at yours. You didn't cause his drinking, you can't control it, and you most certainly cant' cure it. You are not the cause of his unstable mood swings, though of course he is trying to blame you for them. It sounds like he has really got into your head. This is no way for you to live. If he hasn't beaten you in front of the children, it doesn't make it ok. And trust and believe that will eventually happen in front of them, and probably he will lose control with the children as well as his disease progresses. Don't take that chance.

fedup3

Sad, first things first and that is protecting yourself and your children. Nothing no nothing is more important that that!

ladyscribbler

You and your children are in danger.
1-800-799-7233
That's the number to the Domestic Violence hotline. The counselors there can help you formulate an escape plan. This situation is not going to get better.
If your husband kills you or starts abusing your children, your ex is going to get custody anyway.

Carlotta

to SR. You will find a lot of support here.
I would suggest that you call the DV hotline. It is confidential and they will be able to connect you with local resources.

1-800-799-7233

here is there site
The National Domestic Violence Hotline | 24/7 Confidential Support

Carlotta

Great minds....

Jupiters

You need to make a plan to get outta there. Call the numbers provided.
These kids are in danger, this is serious.

his answer take it or leave it?
I hope you find a way to leave it.
He didn't drink prior to the marriage - so his drinking has escalated very quickly within a short amount of time to every kind of abuse? He won't "allow" you do AlAnon and refuses AA?
Do you have ANY family/friends that can help you out?

FireSprite

Well, it's better than him saying, "look, she's subjecting my kids to an abusive alcoholic.", right?

((((HUGS)))) You found a lot of support here, many members have been through exactly what you are experiencing. Please, please take their advice about domestic abuse seriously & start working on getting away from your abuser.

Take it or leave it? Leave it.

knowthetriggers

I am sorry you are in so much pain. You are in the right place for guidance and support. It sounds like you might already know what you need to do but might be a little afraid.

It's okay to ask for help. Like others have said, the most important thing is to remove yourself the the kids from any danger.

Take care!

SadInTX

Thank you for the replies. I don't have anyone to talk to...I am creating my plan on what I am going to do.

Jupiters

you have people on here that will help you in any way we can.

LexieCat

I agree with the others--if the abuse comes to light (let's say it's bad enough that you or someone else has to call the police) that can be a factor in your custody situation, whether it's fair or not.

You need a plan to stay safe until you can arrive at a decision about what to do for the long term. Call the hotline or your local shelter and speak with an advocate. Nobody will "make" you leave until you are ready, but you must have a plan to keep yourself and your children safe. This is a terrible environment for them.

I've worked in the DV field for many, many years, and I know it can be difficult to leave. That doesn't mean you shouldn't do what you feel you can, to protect yourself in the meantime. Please talk to a professional advocate. They can help you a great deal, and it's totally free and confidential.

Incidentally, the abuse and the alcoholism are two separate issues. Even if he were to get sober today, he would still be an abuser.

SadInTX

Jupiters: No, he used to drink before. My parents live in another state. My father would help me financially but not ready to tell him yet...I just pray that it will get better. It isn't always bad with him. I am just exhausted of this going back and forth...not knowing what to do.

Jupiters

oh I thought you said he didn't drink until 6 months into it? sorry if I misunderstood.

I don't want to be harsh, but you can pray til the cows mooo home, he isn't going to just magically wake up one day a new, better man.
You said he refuses AA - and that this is him - Take it or Leave it?
Soooooooooooooo?? when is it going to get better? There is nowhere to go but further into the trenches. I hope you reach out to your dad and I hope you do it before it's too late.

SparkleKitty

I know you pray it will get better, SiT, but is there any reason besides hope to believe that it will? Sometimes our prayers are not answered the way we think they will be, or want them to be. And sometimes our Higher Power sends us to places like this for a wake-up call.

Sending you strength and courage to do best by yourself and your kids. Your husband sounds like a very dangerous and abusive man whose behavior is escalating, not subsiding.

SadInTX

LexieCat: The physical part has only happened when he has been drinking. He did not hit, or slap...just pinned me to the ground and yelled in my face. I know, doesn't make it beter or even right...just stating...wow I sounds so pathetic

LexieCat

Pinning someone to the ground is dangerous. The next step might be strangling you while you are pinned to the ground. It is VERY common.

Abuse escalates, as drinking does. You could be very badly injured. I'm not kidding. I've seen cases that start with pushing, shoving, hair-pulling end in murder or attempted murder.

You have to assume it COULD happen to you. Most alcoholics are not physically violent. This is something to take very, very seriously.

Jupiters

this time.
He has already shown a pattern of rapid escalation in abuse. It's a matter of time before it goes far beyond being pinned down (which btw, is NOT OK) and it isn't OK that it only happens when he's drinking (which is now everyday 6 or 7 beers - BUT escalated into Gin now)

can you see the pattern forming here texas?
this is not getting better. It's getting worse, and quite quickly I would say.
Please please call those numbers and talk to your dad.

ladyscribbler

I waited five years for things to get better. My oldest son left to live with his dad after two years, even though I had custody. I wasn't able to leave until I reached out to my family for help.
My ex started off by "only" shoving me, holding me down, screaming in my face. Abuse is abuse and it escalates. If I had it to do again I would have swallowed my pride and asked for help much sooner. It wasn't "always" bad with my ex either, but it got to the point where it was "almost always" bad. By the time I left I was so exhausted and depressed I didn't feel like anything mattered.
Waiting and praying is not a solution. I know you are scared. I have been there. I wish that I hadn't waited so long to take care of myself and my children. Please take care. We are all here for you.

Jupiters

this actually just made me a bit sick.
My EX did this. It was the day I had to call the cops and have him charged.
What started out as a typical argument (he was hammered on vodka) - yelling screaming at me about something dumb, turned into him attacking me like a wild animal, he had me pinned down and was literally, foaming at the mouth. FOAMING. He started trying to wrap his hands around my neck. I was begging him to please stop, you're hurting me, I cannot breathe!!...finally I kicked him, hard right in the balls...and pushed him down a flight of stairs. Ran to the neighbours. She called the cops.
He said he doesn't remember any of that, he was in a blackout state.

this is not something I would take lightly. ESPECIALLY with children.
Obviously, that was not the first time he had done that - I was with that guy for almost 5 yrs. It doesn't get better.