Florence

I had to leave my XAH with an insane, custody-hungry, litigious babydaddy breathing down my neck. Eventually I had to have faith that putting my children ahead of my marriage was the right thing to do, and a court would agree.

fedup3

I just pray that it will get better. It isn't always bad with him.

Sad, sometimes all it would take is one incident. I'm sure you are feeling alone and afraid to make any move I know I once was in that situation. Make just small steps for now and that would be actually talking to someone at the DV that will give you some true guidance and will give you not such a feeling of being alone. I'm praying for you.

shil2587

No, not pathetic. Downtrodden. For anyone to lay hands on another person is completely unacceptable. It may have been the first time, but his comments to you have been heading in that direction. He tried to blame you for his behaviour. It's NOT your fault that HE gets angry and takes it out on you. YOU can't control how far it goes, no matter what he says.

BUT it's also not your fault for feeling stuck in the situation or down playing how bad it is. That's part of the abuse cycle too; isolating you and making you feel as attached to him as possible.

NONE of it is your fault. BUT your children and yourself only have you to save them. I know it's frightening and so early in the relationship I get that you really really hope that things will get better. You CAN take back control and you CAN get out. We will help you all we can, but ultimately it's going to be down to you to take those steps.

Huge hugs. You can do this, truly you can.

Carlotta

Florence brings up an excellent point. Even if your ex and you cannot stand each others and have a mountain of resentments between you, the kids' safety is what matters most and living with an abusive drunk is not safe.

meggem

I know the place you are at.

My ex was very similiar to that except he didn't have the b*lls to tell me where I could go or not go, but most everything else you said happened to me..and more...

And he was the best apologizer. Broken glass, broken doors, violent outbursts, rages at me, he had spit on me - chased me around the house, out the door, verbally abusive. Drunk. He had a 6 pack for show but I later learned he was rotating more beer in from the garage. Rehab, counseling, the whole deal. At first it was just on the weekends, then it was more and more and more. It was very sneaky. It's so easy to miss the progression, it is just insidious.

You have a lot of courage to come here and be so open. I was the most honest here on this board, but it took me many months and posts to type "out loud" the things that I tolerated and the things my ex did. I shared them in dribs and drabs. I was ashamed I guess.

It got to the point where I was in such constant damage control I could not *see*-- I was too concerned *helping* him. And then something happened and it all just clicked/fell apart/whatever.

It's true, I was fortunate because I had 100% backing from my family. And my family has money. However. In about 6 weeks I was able to get $3,000 together - myself. It is amazing what you can save when your back is against the wall. I sold things too.

Bottom line is my parents could have thrown a million dollars at me and bought me a furnished house, none of that would have made a difference if I chose not to leave.

I know the thought feels very overwhelming. It was for me too. I left anyway. I know there will be obstacles along the way that will make leaving "impossible" - I had them and I left anyway.

My parents would not support me forever, and I had a lot of trouble accepting their help and I was afraid--wondering how am I going to support me and the girls?

Sure, it's all good now, I just moved, had a fat bank account but what about 3-4-6 months from now? I was scared but I left anyway.

I was so miserable and my soul was blackening. I was so full of hate I thought I might kill him.

I refused to raise my daughters in that kind of environment.

I promise you, you CAN do it. It will be hard, but you can do it. You have to make that decision though, and once you make it, just.stay.the.course.

I had to trust this board, and the people in my life during that time because I could not trust myself. My brain was so warped and distorted by the whole experience I couldn't listen to me. Think with your brain and not your heart hopeful kept saying...

SadInTX

Florence, what ended up happening regarding the custody?

atalose

Not a good place to find you in is it? Too afraid to leave, afraid to stay and living on a hope and a prayer that it gets better.

Did it get better last time you left and came back? Doesn’t sound like it has.

His drinking must be escalating and his moods getting worse otherwise you wouldn’t have written.

What are your expectations regarding his drinking? What are you hoping is going to happen? And how do you suppose it’s going to happen?

Believe him!!!!

lillamy

Friend, I've been there, and here's what I can tell you about ME. And this is hard-earned insight after four years of therapy (after I left):

Every time he apologized and said it would never happen again (in my case, it was sexual abuse, not physical abuse), I thought "maybe it'll get better." Every time he apologized I started hoping again. Every time he had raped me, he would also be unusually attentive and sweet. It's called "the cycle of abuse" -- after a short honeymoon period, the tension starts building again, and then the abuse repeats. The "un-violent" parts of the cycle made me think (over and over again) that it really was the last time it happened. And it never was.

I was afraid that it would get worse if I left. I was afraid he would take the kids from me. And he had made sure I had little outside support -- alienated my friends and my family to the point where he thought I had nowhere to turn.

I had managed to build support through Al-Anon, and also through friends at work who supported me when I left. My leaving wasn't planned -- that is, I had planned to leave later on, but I ended up running for my life in the middle of the night with only my kids and the clothes on my back (and a car!).

That's five years ago. I've rebuilt my confidence and my life. His attempts to control me didn't stop -- but he went overboard and narrowly escaped serving time for what he did to me.

I got custody of the kids and moved far away.

That's my story. I wanted to share that because I want you to know that I know it feels impossible to leave. I asked myself how I would survive, how I would support myself and the kids, how I would protect us against him. Somehow, once I had left, all that fell into place. DV professionals helped me a lot, both with practical advice and in my healing process.

So that's my story. I hope some of it gave you some hope.

Florence

SadinTX, it's a long story. Babydaddy (aka xNPD) is a very litigious, threatening, gaslighting, abusive guy who had me tied into knots for years. But long before, in a stroke of rare genius, I had it written into our custody agreement that all future custody disagreements go to licensed mediation before court. It came to my advantage when I kicked out my ex and waited for the rest of the chips to fall.

Mediation assumes you can cooperate and work together to meet desired ends. It doesn't pack the punch of court, so it takes the wind out of the sails of people who like to use court against their exes. I highly recommend it as a strategy for contentious joint custody situations.

My anxiety was worse than the fallout, honestly. At some point you just have to do the right thing and trust everything will fall into place eventually.

Babydaddy made some noises about me being an irresponsible sl** and about my son living with him, but he didn't hire a lawyer. XAH and I got a divorce and I had to put the pieces back together with my kids. That was the hardest part, way harder than dealing with either of the baby-men.

Honshine

Wow. I agree with everyone else. Drinking aside this is very serious. I have a child from a previous relationship and I thought having that other parent in her life was a good thing and it was for a time and I was also afraid of custody battles but you gotta step outside the situation. What if your ex got with someone, drinking aside, that was hostile and abusive and got the kids involved in it? I'm sure you'd be pretty upset. The kids are important and you are important and if this behavior is "okay" for him that doesn't make it right and everyone would agree that it's not normal. He has issues and he's making u think its ur fault but it's not and no matter what u do he's probably going to continue to act like a psycho. It's hard but you can't live your life being put down and forced to live in fear of his lack of control. It will not get better unles YOU take action for YOU. In my opinion The good lord won't pull you out of a pit you're just going to throw yourself back into. You gotta pull yourself out and make an effort then he will guide you. But that's just me. -shrug- I'm so sorry sweetheart.

Sungrl

I must say I came to SR with stories of an alcoholic boyfriend who I could have left at any time!

I made the money, had the job, etc....

Yet I came here whining about a guy who showed me his true colors pretty much right away and I still stuck around.

Nothing connected me to him in any way. He never beat me, we had some altercations but I never feared for my life. I enabled him constantly and let him drag me down....

Then I read stories like I am on this post. I am ashamed.
Some of you ladies have been through true hell. Children involved, abuse and other seemingly impossible obstacles and you perservered.

You are true hero's in my book. I hope your words of wisdom and experience do not fall on deaf ears. I respect you all.

Missus

This is just making me see red - how dare he blame you for his sh!t...

You did nothing ... he has done it all. Apologies are just words.

Jupiters

yah, the pushing him to the point and "never let that happen again" part is highly concerning.
or else what? what will happen if you "push" him?

SadInTX

Jupiters: He wouldn't like it if I pushed him, but he knows I would never do that. I didn't mention before that he was abused as a child...so he definitely has some issues. He told all of this to me before we got married. He told me he went to therapy for all of this and worked on himself...he just isn't currently doing that.
Lillamy: thank you so much for your story. it helps to hear what others have gone through.

jarp

I'm not in the US, but in Australia you'd be more likely to lose primary care of kids by staying in a domestic violence situation with an abusive addict, than for leaving a second marriage.

Maybe get some legal advice?

Hammer

I am a little lost on the Ro-sham-bo (Rock Scissors Paper) hierarchy here.

Are the kids better off with the Ex or You and your Violent Drunk?

Dunno? Just how bad is the Ex?

NYCDoglvr

Alcoholism is a progressive disease, as you've seen. I would be looking at the steps I must take to leave because there's nothing you can say or do that will stop him drinking.

fluffyflea

Sorry, but he sounds really dangerous. Call a shelter........

SadInTX

Are the kids better off with the Ex or You and your Violent Drunk?

Dunno? Just how bad is the Ex?[/QUOTE]

My ex has been diagnosed with personality disorders : Narsasstic, Borderline and Anti-social...compulsive gambler and drinks too much...so yes, he is not so great...I truly should not be in charge of picking the right man for myself...

lillamy

Well, on the bad side -- yeah, you're not real great at picking them (neither was I!).
On the good side -- the justice system is what it is, but I would have a hard time seeing a judge siding with a NPD, BPD father over a mother who has the guts and strength to get her kids out of the home of an abusive stepfather.

(((hugs)))