Stupid hope
Baby Steps
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
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Stupid hope
These last few weeks have been really eye opening to me I have began to realise things that I didn't accept or even know why, I've had days where ive known my marriage is over for good and I would never go back. Then there are days when the hope creeps back in and I think or I hope this isn't what he wants and he's going to turn round and tell me he's made a big mistake. This is the part of me that is scared to move on, scared to be on my own, scared of my future.
For the last few months I've thought how our seperation has been so different this time from all the other times but I have never allowed myself to actually think about how until recently.
We have been seperated nearly 11 months and I haven't seen him since face to face since early October and limited contact (3 times) in 3 months. Previous separations we have been in contact regularly, he would have been in the home a lot, spent Christmas together, birthdays etc I still would have made him his dinner on his birthday and we would have tried to work things out, well I begged and pleaded and made compromises I didn't like so he would come home. He has now initiated divorce and I am starting to listen to my thoughts and feelings that my marriage is completely over. I've know for a long time but as I said hope kept creeping in, now the acceptance is creeping in and it hurts.
For the last few months I've thought how our seperation has been so different this time from all the other times but I have never allowed myself to actually think about how until recently.
We have been seperated nearly 11 months and I haven't seen him since face to face since early October and limited contact (3 times) in 3 months. Previous separations we have been in contact regularly, he would have been in the home a lot, spent Christmas together, birthdays etc I still would have made him his dinner on his birthday and we would have tried to work things out, well I begged and pleaded and made compromises I didn't like so he would come home. He has now initiated divorce and I am starting to listen to my thoughts and feelings that my marriage is completely over. I've know for a long time but as I said hope kept creeping in, now the acceptance is creeping in and it hurts.
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In hindsight it's easy to see recovery is a process, much slower than I'd like, lol. When I let myself hope things would work out I later realized that what I hoped for was that HE would change. It was really denial. Acceptance comes slowly.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
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Not long after we both left our respective partners, a friend who left his AW and I were talking about why we stayed in the relationships. I'd mentioned that I'd hoped each time AXH said it'd be different, that it would. That I hoped and believed it. "Yeah. Hope...." he said. And then went through the following after a long silence:
Actually there were a couple different examples that he went through, but that one jumps out today. We were both fresh out of the mess, which kind of sets the tone, but the title of your thread reminded me of that conversation.
This: might be part of why it's so different this time? (((((Hugs))))) You're going to be OK. You already are.
Hope can kill you, you know. If you don't take action when you need to, Hope can kill. Think about it. Imagine your house catches fire, and there's time for you to get out. But you hope that the fire department will get there soon. Just sitting there instead of getting out when you can, because you hope the firemen will find you, you could die. Maybe you'll be lucky and they'll find you. But maybe not. Hope without taking action can kill.... It's another four-letter word...
This:
Originally Posted by Butterfly 
I am starting to listen to my thoughts and feelings
Baby Steps
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Join Date: Apr 2014
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Thank you. Yes I have been living in denial for a long time, some days not I feel determined but if I'm honest hope as always been in the back of my mind, slowly accepting that he has no intention of sorting himself out and I have to stop wanting him to and hoping he will and want to come home. NC really does allow you to focus on yourself!!
Hopeful it hurts like hell!!!!
Hopeful it hurts like hell!!!!
Baby Steps
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Join Date: Apr 2014
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Thanks uncertainty, what has been so difficult for me is that he left me particularly after everything he told me then the next day he leaves, telling me over the phone! It took me a long time to understand, not sure I fully do but I realise he was manipulating me and when I reached a point where I wanted him to actually follow through on his promises to stop drinking and get help he walked.
Time space and distance has helped my recovery so much, still hurting though but not like I was when he first left, I didn't think I would survive, now at least I know I will but I have to let go completely!
Time space and distance has helped my recovery so much, still hurting though but not like I was when he first left, I didn't think I would survive, now at least I know I will but I have to let go completely!
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Join Date: Sep 2014
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Dear Butterfly
Sounds like our situations are similar, as far as time apart.
My mate has gotten so sour and nasty the rare times we talk, that the decision to stay apart is obviously the correct one.
I imagine that I would be quite sick and drinking again if we were together just to cope.
Keep coming back! It will get better with time.
Sounds like our situations are similar, as far as time apart.
My mate has gotten so sour and nasty the rare times we talk, that the decision to stay apart is obviously the correct one.
I imagine that I would be quite sick and drinking again if we were together just to cope.
Keep coming back! It will get better with time.
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Wow. This should be a sticky:
Hope can kill you, you know. If you don't take action when you need to, Hope can kill. Think about it. Imagine your house catches fire, and there's time for you to get out. But you hope that the fire department will get there soon. Just sitting there instead of getting out when you can, because you hope the firemen will find you, you could die. Maybe you'll be lucky and they'll find you. But maybe not. Hope without taking action can kill.... It's another four-letter word...
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Butterfly,
I used to keep a journal. I wrote in it all the time. I was at my total bottom. All the wondering, all the questions.
I wish I didn't burn that journal so I could read it to you. I was in the deepest depression I was ever in. I was on the bottom rung on the latter. I realized the bottom rung was when I still had hope. It wasn't hope for me, it was hope for us. I got up one morning, but I climbed up a step. I was only in depression, I gave up the hope for us, still didn't have the hope for me, but I felt a little lighter. I kept climbing up that latter out of the abyss I had put myself in. I might not be to the top of the latter yet, have a few more steps, but I realize now, the lowest I ever felt was when I had the hope for us.
I think our lives are similar to a degree, it was a long term relationship, with a "runner". Always coming back declaring love, and just as fast, it was snatched away, and now (you, I ) didn't exist to them.
It's not a life to live. That's not living, that's being in limbo, and in limbo, you waste away and die.
You and I are beautiful people worth a whole lot more then that. I finally did come back to the living, and I am holding my hand out to you to do the same.
((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))
amy
I used to keep a journal. I wrote in it all the time. I was at my total bottom. All the wondering, all the questions.
I wish I didn't burn that journal so I could read it to you. I was in the deepest depression I was ever in. I was on the bottom rung on the latter. I realized the bottom rung was when I still had hope. It wasn't hope for me, it was hope for us. I got up one morning, but I climbed up a step. I was only in depression, I gave up the hope for us, still didn't have the hope for me, but I felt a little lighter. I kept climbing up that latter out of the abyss I had put myself in. I might not be to the top of the latter yet, have a few more steps, but I realize now, the lowest I ever felt was when I had the hope for us.
I think our lives are similar to a degree, it was a long term relationship, with a "runner". Always coming back declaring love, and just as fast, it was snatched away, and now (you, I ) didn't exist to them.
It's not a life to live. That's not living, that's being in limbo, and in limbo, you waste away and die.
You and I are beautiful people worth a whole lot more then that. I finally did come back to the living, and I am holding my hand out to you to do the same.
((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))
amy
Baby Steps
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
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Thanks Hawkeye think I e still some emotional mud to trail through but I can see those mountains 
) I haven't heart anything he would have received them Saturday at the latest, I know he was drunk Saturday and Sunday. He texted DD to tell her that no matter what he loves her and always will and he doesn't want her to forget that how she is the best thing to ever happen to him! He only does this when drunk and then he didn't pick up DS for school!! My solicitor hasn't heard anything either but he has 10 days to respond!
Amy thank you, you are an amazingly strong person with what you have come through and continue to work so hard on. You never give up!! Your right the right I was living was not a life, and I am starting to recognise that. Thank you.
) I haven't heart anything he would have received them Saturday at the latest, I know he was drunk Saturday and Sunday. He texted DD to tell her that no matter what he loves her and always will and he doesn't want her to forget that how she is the best thing to ever happen to him! He only does this when drunk and then he didn't pick up DS for school!! My solicitor hasn't heard anything either but he has 10 days to respond! Amy thank you, you are an amazingly strong person with what you have come through and continue to work so hard on. You never give up!! Your right the right I was living was not a life, and I am starting to recognise that. Thank you.
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