DesertEyes

Detachment is about building the emotional strength to understand that the addict is engaging in behaviors _independent_ of my existence. My pill-head ex was running around with married guys, she was not doing it _to_ me, she was just doing it. Whether I was married to her, or not, was irrelevant. Detachment is about _me_ understanding where _I_ fit in my ex's world.... I don't. I am not a part of her world at all.

Enmeshment is the opposite of detachment, which is when I _think_ I am a part of her world.

These two concepts work together. When I remember to fully detach from my ex I am able to recognize that I cannot possibly change her addiction in any way. A "slip" in my detachment is when I start thinking that maybe, somehow, if I could figure out the "right" thing to do, then she would recognize that I am right about her addiction, and then I would magically live in a fantasy world where everything is perfect.

Detachment is about me living in reality, Enmeshment is about me living in my own fantasy.

Mike

LemonGirl

I am slowly realizing that my dreams that included my xabf were MY dreams. His actions didn't fit into that. I still like my fantasies, but I'm starting to see that who he is includes things that are not a part of my hopes and dreams. I guess the real fantasy was in denying that part about him and clinging to the parts that did fit....

Impurrfect

Thanks, Mike. As a double winner, I can assure everyone that when I was using, it wasn't AT anyone. I was selfish, I wanted what I wanted and when I wanted. What the people who loved me were going through, sadly, didn't enter the picture.

On the other side of the fence, I also had to realize that my beloved A's were not doing things AT me. Despite me knowing how *I* felt and acted, it was hard to realize they were feeling and acting the same way.

By working both my recoveries, from addiction and codependency, I've had to learn that what *I* want from life is important and some people just can't be there for me. It hurts, but the good news is that there are a whole lot of people who CAN give me what I need - don't have to fix them, make excuses or any of that.

I now choose people who enhance my life, not ones who I think will complete my life. Took many years to get to this point, but all of you here have helped a lot!

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Stung

Detachment has been such a gift of a concept to me. Not only am I not responsible for fixing other people's problems but I'm also not the cause of them. Whoa! That is seriously life changing stuff for me. Especially coming from a home where I was expected (and ultimately scolded for failing) to make everyone else happy. Other people's things, problems, troubles, struggles are not mine and I didn't cause them. I'm sorry that they struggle but I am only responsible for my own happiness and my own problems. Live and let live.

For me, enmeshment was when I couldn't have dreams without AH being included in them. But it turns out that I'm an individual. I can have dreams and hopes for myself that are just for me. If he's there, great. If not, still great.