Trip to Mecca.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Trip to Mecca.
In the middle of one of the larger towns here that make up the Dallas Fort Worth Metromess, there is this Super AA/Alanon Center. Older Lease Space area, but well busy with interesting shops around it.
In the local lingo it is simply called OODAT -- pronounced O-Dat. Stands for One Day At A Time. I just call it Mecca. Like to Muslims -- the Super Big Center that all the faithful must make pilgrimage to. They have 17 Alanon meetings a week there, all different sorts, and probably more when they feel like it.
Have heard of it for years, but I went to Mecca for my first time when I finished up working out-of-town in East Texas. A little over a year ago. I really loved my best Alanon group out there in East Texas -- lot of Long-Tymer Angel Types.
When I knew I was leaving, I asked my Sponsor what I should do? My Sponsor had simply told me, "Help Others." So my first day back, for some reason I went to Mecca for the first time. It is so big, and they try to get everyone involved -- They passed around everything that normally a chairperson would read. I read the announcements out loud to the group. Said they needed Alanon Family Day Help at a Local Rehab. I figured -- Yep. Did not have to go far, there it is. Help Others.
I went another time and they were having a Slogan Day. Slogans are something that AA and Alanon uses to keep some Idea that we may need to focus on as a simple, bite-sized idea so that we can deal with it. I said mine was "It is what it is." That has been my slogan of acceptance for Mrs. Hammer's Mental Illness.
Went I needed to find a guy sponsor to do the Steps -- Just last January -- the women at my local group sent me . . . . . Back to Mecca. To find Yoda. Yoda is my nickname for the most Senior guy there. I went, and Yoda sent me to get into the Men's Step Study I went through last Spring.
------------------------
Today.
I got off work early today. Work has been going GREAT.
"Practicing these principles in all our affairs" has made work Wonderful for me. Folks hire me onto their projects now without batting an eye because I explain upfront that we have family problems, I have to be close to take care of the kids, and that I have to have an unusual schedule.
They just say that they respect the honesty, and that they trust me because of it, and give me everything I ask for. In turn I give them everything that Seren, here, has taught us are the hallmarks of Sobriety and Serenity -- Honesty, Transparency, and Humility. THIS is so much better than when I used to try to lie to cover up all of Mrs. Hammer's crazy stuff.
So this morning, I went to a project site visit in the morning. That went great, was off for the rest of the day and was heading back across town, and was going by Mecca, and figured I should stop by.
Started slow, Friday Alanoon, after all. But the time everyone settled in, it was a Big meeting -- 25 people, and I was sitting across from Yoda. It was Slogan Day, again.
I told them all they had done for me, and how it came to be my new Slogan had arrived, just last week. I had been nagging God with my whydoInothaveaGoodwifewhydoInothaveaGoodwifewhydoI nothaveaGoodwife, over and over and over -- And how it was answered back . . .
You can not have Good, until you let go of Bad.
That has been ringing through my head all week.
But now, I am lost.
I know my new Slogan --
You can not have Good, until you let go of Bad.
So that is my Slogan -- But I have No Idea of how to apply it.
Not even after going to Mecca.
In the local lingo it is simply called OODAT -- pronounced O-Dat. Stands for One Day At A Time. I just call it Mecca. Like to Muslims -- the Super Big Center that all the faithful must make pilgrimage to. They have 17 Alanon meetings a week there, all different sorts, and probably more when they feel like it.
Have heard of it for years, but I went to Mecca for my first time when I finished up working out-of-town in East Texas. A little over a year ago. I really loved my best Alanon group out there in East Texas -- lot of Long-Tymer Angel Types.
When I knew I was leaving, I asked my Sponsor what I should do? My Sponsor had simply told me, "Help Others." So my first day back, for some reason I went to Mecca for the first time. It is so big, and they try to get everyone involved -- They passed around everything that normally a chairperson would read. I read the announcements out loud to the group. Said they needed Alanon Family Day Help at a Local Rehab. I figured -- Yep. Did not have to go far, there it is. Help Others.
I went another time and they were having a Slogan Day. Slogans are something that AA and Alanon uses to keep some Idea that we may need to focus on as a simple, bite-sized idea so that we can deal with it. I said mine was "It is what it is." That has been my slogan of acceptance for Mrs. Hammer's Mental Illness.
Went I needed to find a guy sponsor to do the Steps -- Just last January -- the women at my local group sent me . . . . . Back to Mecca. To find Yoda. Yoda is my nickname for the most Senior guy there. I went, and Yoda sent me to get into the Men's Step Study I went through last Spring.
------------------------
Today.
I got off work early today. Work has been going GREAT.
"Practicing these principles in all our affairs" has made work Wonderful for me. Folks hire me onto their projects now without batting an eye because I explain upfront that we have family problems, I have to be close to take care of the kids, and that I have to have an unusual schedule.
They just say that they respect the honesty, and that they trust me because of it, and give me everything I ask for. In turn I give them everything that Seren, here, has taught us are the hallmarks of Sobriety and Serenity -- Honesty, Transparency, and Humility. THIS is so much better than when I used to try to lie to cover up all of Mrs. Hammer's crazy stuff.
So this morning, I went to a project site visit in the morning. That went great, was off for the rest of the day and was heading back across town, and was going by Mecca, and figured I should stop by.
Started slow, Friday Alanoon, after all. But the time everyone settled in, it was a Big meeting -- 25 people, and I was sitting across from Yoda. It was Slogan Day, again.
I told them all they had done for me, and how it came to be my new Slogan had arrived, just last week. I had been nagging God with my whydoInothaveaGoodwifewhydoInothaveaGoodwifewhydoI nothaveaGoodwife, over and over and over -- And how it was answered back . . .
You can not have Good, until you let go of Bad.
That has been ringing through my head all week.
But now, I am lost.
I know my new Slogan --
You can not have Good, until you let go of Bad.
So that is my Slogan -- But I have No Idea of how to apply it.
Not even after going to Mecca.
r
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,057
Because I know you're a man of faith, I'll just remind you that you don't have to know how. You will be shown, in whatever doses you're meant to receive, at whatever moments you're meant to receive them, how to go about letting go. Keep your faith. Be open to His plan, listen for it, and follow accordingly. He'll get you there. Trust. 
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: My mind wanders a lot, but I try to stay in the present.
Posts: 1,007
It's a beautiful slogan, Hammer, full of so many possibilities.
Not to get all hippy-dippy, but once we free ourselves of any sort of negative energy we open ourselves up to positive change. I decided I didn't want to hate my STBXAH. For all that he was a p*ss-poor husband, we have too many shared memories, and get along just too darn well. That one decision, to not hate him, is already benefiting me in terms of my own spiritual growth. I strive to let go of the bad within me (hatred) in order to find the good (serenity).
That's my personal take on your quote. I'm sure more praying on your part will reveal yours. Whatever you find thanks for sharing. ((( Hugs ))) to you, my friend.
Not to get all hippy-dippy, but once we free ourselves of any sort of negative energy we open ourselves up to positive change. I decided I didn't want to hate my STBXAH. For all that he was a p*ss-poor husband, we have too many shared memories, and get along just too darn well. That one decision, to not hate him, is already benefiting me in terms of my own spiritual growth. I strive to let go of the bad within me (hatred) in order to find the good (serenity).
That's my personal take on your quote. I'm sure more praying on your part will reveal yours. Whatever you find thanks for sharing. ((( Hugs ))) to you, my friend.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Here's some traveling music. I'll stick to my previous SR notes in case her lawyers troll through here again.
http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=od0t4SHvGH4
http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=od0t4SHvGH4
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Originally Posted by MissFixit 
Do you remember the time life books in the 80s about home repair? They offered step by step instructions with pictures too? I think you need a set of those about women.
That is how my (now) 12 year old daughter has figured to communicate to me.
Thanks.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 41
I recently adopted pretty much that same slogan.
Right before Christmas, I finally filed for divorce from my RAH.
He's been sober 2 1/2 yrs., but continues to lie, remains distant and secretive... I realized that this is as good as it gets with him.
I kept praying about this, and got that message- I will never have a good husband/ or relationship unless I let go of the bad one I have now.
For a long time I felt like staying was just maintaining the status quo, and at some point things were bound to improve. He (God) finally impressed on me that by not choosing to leave, I was making a choice to stay and that by doing so I was preventing the possibility of having a good relationship.
I have worked hard on me over the last two and a half years, meetings, steps, sponsor, therapist... I have changed.
I get it now, that if I want something different, I have to do something different.
If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you always got.
I cannot have the good until I let go of the bad.
Right before Christmas, I finally filed for divorce from my RAH.
He's been sober 2 1/2 yrs., but continues to lie, remains distant and secretive... I realized that this is as good as it gets with him.
I kept praying about this, and got that message- I will never have a good husband/ or relationship unless I let go of the bad one I have now.
For a long time I felt like staying was just maintaining the status quo, and at some point things were bound to improve. He (God) finally impressed on me that by not choosing to leave, I was making a choice to stay and that by doing so I was preventing the possibility of having a good relationship.
I have worked hard on me over the last two and a half years, meetings, steps, sponsor, therapist... I have changed.
I get it now, that if I want something different, I have to do something different.
If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you always got.
I cannot have the good until I let go of the bad.
A Day at a Time
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
Originally Posted by MissFixit
Do you remember the time life books in the 80s about home repair? They offered step by step instructions with pictures too? I think you need a set of those about women.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 431
Originally Posted by RoseMadder
I recently adopted pretty much that same slogan.
Right before Christmas, I finally filed for divorce from my RAH.
He's been sober 2 1/2 yrs., but continues to lie, remains distant and secretive... I realized that this is as good as it gets with him.
I kept praying about this, and got that message- I will never have a good husband/ or relationship unless I let go of the bad one I have now.
For a long time I felt like staying was just maintaining the status quo, and at some point things were bound to improve. He (God) finally impressed on me that by not choosing to leave, I was making a choice to stay and that by doing so I was preventing the possibility of having a good relationship.
I have worked hard on me over the last two and a half years, meetings, steps, sponsor, therapist... I have changed.
I get it now, that if I want something different, I have to do something different.
If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you always got.
I cannot have the good until I let go of the bad.
Right before Christmas, I finally filed for divorce from my RAH.
He's been sober 2 1/2 yrs., but continues to lie, remains distant and secretive... I realized that this is as good as it gets with him.
I kept praying about this, and got that message- I will never have a good husband/ or relationship unless I let go of the bad one I have now.
For a long time I felt like staying was just maintaining the status quo, and at some point things were bound to improve. He (God) finally impressed on me that by not choosing to leave, I was making a choice to stay and that by doing so I was preventing the possibility of having a good relationship.
I have worked hard on me over the last two and a half years, meetings, steps, sponsor, therapist... I have changed.
I get it now, that if I want something different, I have to do something different.
If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you always got.
I cannot have the good until I let go of the bad.
My experience with the quote is similar. I left my XRAH almost three years ago and never got the official divorce. I got lots of nice dates and interested guys but it never went to the new relationship level I'd hoped...the reason: I wasn't divorced and hadn't totally let go. I finally did and life has really opened up for me even more than I ever thought possible. As long as I didn't fully let him go I wasn't allowing myself the possibility of a true new path. The best part is we're still friends and the split was amicable.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Originally Posted by RoseMadder
I recently adopted pretty much that same slogan.
Right before Christmas, I finally filed for divorce from my RAH.
He's been sober 2 1/2 yrs., but continues to lie, remains distant and secretive... I realized that this is as good as it gets with him.
Right before Christmas, I finally filed for divorce from my RAH.
He's been sober 2 1/2 yrs., but continues to lie, remains distant and secretive... I realized that this is as good as it gets with him.
Mine is back a little over two years from Rehab.
Funny part is she is the one who filed (we are not even really married), she already lost her claim for primary custody and lost the house (All I did was renew the lease, after she was bothering the landlord).
We still have a Support Hearing ahead, which her idiot lawyer is continuing to press forward (billable hours, I would guess) but she is likely to wind up losing that, too -- and possibly owing me support.
And now she will not move out. Just like she is some sort of passive aggressive teenager. I even have to get after her (very mild, a note on the fridge) to not eat in the living room (because of carpet) -- even the kids know better.
I understand that she has a Mental Illness -- but still.
I kept praying about this, and got that message- I will never have a good husband/ or relationship unless I let go of the bad one I have now.
For a long time I felt like staying was just maintaining the status quo, and at some point things were bound to improve. He (God) finally impressed on me that by not choosing to leave, I was making a choice to stay and that by doing so I was preventing the possibility of having a good relationship.
I have worked hard on me over the last two and a half years, meetings, steps, sponsor, therapist... I have changed.
I get it now, that if I want something different, I have to do something different.
I figured she would eventually get a real Sponsor and work the Program.
But that was her lane -- so in the meanwhile, that is what I did.
But her Pride and Arrogance is astounding. She is even a Therapist in this field, but her own stuff has become a bizarre parody of the Recovery Programs, all based on nutty lies she has to tell to support all her prior lies.
It is like a bad late night TV show. I just quit watching.
If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you always got.
I cannot have the good until I let go of the bad.
I cannot have the good until I let go of the bad.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
So, she is supposed to be gone by April 1, right? Do you have a plan if she fails to meet that goal? Based on the reality of what has happened thus far, she doesn't sound too reliable or honest. When she is out of the house, I think you will likely have a bit more peace to start fresh. Although, in my experience people with personality disorders really do not ever let go unless they have a new person to use.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Originally Posted by MissFixit
So, she is supposed to be gone by April 1, right? Do you have a plan if she fails to meet that goal?
Actually did not figure she would stay around this long, as she had the kids out house-hunting, but that looks like it all fell through. Maybe "Never Really Happened" or a Big Misunderstanding.
Usually her "explanation(s)."But no, No Plan. And damn fine with that.
Whatever Hammer tries to control, God does not, and Vice Versa, or some such.
Based on the reality of what has happened thus far, she doesn't sound too reliable or honest.
She is so far over the side, at this point . . . . denial just means . . .
Don't
Even
kNow
I
Am
Lying
When she is out of the house, I think you will likely have a bit more peace to start fresh. Although, in my experience people with personality disorders really do not ever let go unless they have a new person to use.
Meanwhile, as ever . . . I have my ONE #1 Priority -- the Kids. You already know the rest of that story.
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