I am in LOVE with an alcoholic.
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Originally Posted by chantylc 
Maia1234 - thank you for your support, I have no support (only my therapist) becauSe I have been hiding this relationship. I want to heal it's hurting a lot right now.
Pink peony - thank you. No we don't live together. Whenever I do the no contact rule I get so anxious wondering if he's still alive?
Impurrfect- I have thoughts about it before but never attempted this is how much pain I'm going through. Thank you Amy!
Pink peony - thank you. No we don't live together. Whenever I do the no contact rule I get so anxious wondering if he's still alive?
Impurrfect- I have thoughts about it before but never attempted this is how much pain I'm going through. Thank you Amy!
I used to have this illusion that I could somehow control my ex's behavior and steer him in the right direction and save him, but that just isn't possible. All I did was allow his disease to progress because I was protecting him from the natural consequences of his behavior. He had no reason to change anything because someone was always there to pick up his mess.
No contact is hard, but it is also worth it. What really helped me was Alanon meetings. I've been going for just over a year and it has made a huge difference in my life.
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ladyscribbler -
Yes that is exactly how I feel, I feel like I can save him and help him through this process. But now I have realized that now I cant. He says that he needs me and wants me in his life, but I continue to do things for him that makes it easier. He hasnt reached his rock bottom (not even the ER visit) yet. I sometimes fear that his rock bottom will be his last (death).
Yes that is exactly how I feel, I feel like I can save him and help him through this process. But now I have realized that now I cant. He says that he needs me and wants me in his life, but I continue to do things for him that makes it easier. He hasnt reached his rock bottom (not even the ER visit) yet. I sometimes fear that his rock bottom will be his last (death).
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In my humble opinion Chantylc yes I think you are enabling him. I will speak from the alcoholic perspective....as long as he has you and can run to you, in his sick alcoholic mind he is holding things together and his life is ok and that means he can keep drinking. It's only when his life falls apart sufficiently that he will realise he needs to stop.
Alcoholics speak about reaching rock bottom. Rock bottom does not literally mean being homeless and drinking out of a paper bag, although sometimes it can mean that. Rock bottom is the point that you realise that your life is falling apart and that alcohol is killing you. In some respects, the way he is abusing your love for him and the amount you love him is keeping you around when every rational a person knows that its not right and this may be slowing his descent to the place we call rock bottom.
Some people ask, how can an alcoholic be so sweet one moment and so abusive the next? I will answer this from my own experience. Did you ever know someone or watch a movie of a heroin or meth user who was a lovely person, charming and sweet, and then they shoot up and they are a totally unrecognisable abusive criminal mess? And its not really that surprising because we all know how powerful heroin is right?We know that the drug has control of them and they can do or say anything. Well, alcohol is every bit as strong. It is legal and can take years to take you that place.....but it will take you there alright. Your ex is well on his way to there.
Alcoholics speak about reaching rock bottom. Rock bottom does not literally mean being homeless and drinking out of a paper bag, although sometimes it can mean that. Rock bottom is the point that you realise that your life is falling apart and that alcohol is killing you. In some respects, the way he is abusing your love for him and the amount you love him is keeping you around when every rational a person knows that its not right and this may be slowing his descent to the place we call rock bottom.
Some people ask, how can an alcoholic be so sweet one moment and so abusive the next? I will answer this from my own experience. Did you ever know someone or watch a movie of a heroin or meth user who was a lovely person, charming and sweet, and then they shoot up and they are a totally unrecognisable abusive criminal mess? And its not really that surprising because we all know how powerful heroin is right?We know that the drug has control of them and they can do or say anything. Well, alcohol is every bit as strong. It is legal and can take years to take you that place.....but it will take you there alright. Your ex is well on his way to there.
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ubntubnt -
Thank you for your opinion. I really do feel sometimes that I am enabling him during this phase in his life.
I dont know if I am thinking rationally right now but this is what I fear:
- he might find someone else and will change for this person
- he told me he is going to help himself, but still wants to go out and drink?
Thank you for your opinion. I really do feel sometimes that I am enabling him during this phase in his life.
I dont know if I am thinking rationally right now but this is what I fear:
- he might find someone else and will change for this person
- he told me he is going to help himself, but still wants to go out and drink?
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Join Date: Aug 2014
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We are all enablers, that's what we do best.
The thing you have to understand is he is killing himself, might not be today or tomorrow but he will die if he continues. If he stays with his destructive path there is nothing you can do to stop him You have 2 choices stay with or get off.
I read a saying here i love...
If you leave and he changes, good for you. If you leave and he doesn't change, good for you
Also, I try and follow....
No new contact = no new hurts
I know its hard to detach, but when you are actively involved in his craziness, you become crazy, worse then them.
((((((((((hugs)))))))))) keep posting and asking quetions!!
The thing you have to understand is he is killing himself, might not be today or tomorrow but he will die if he continues. If he stays with his destructive path there is nothing you can do to stop him You have 2 choices stay with or get off.
I read a saying here i love...
If you leave and he changes, good for you. If you leave and he doesn't change, good for you
Also, I try and follow....
No new contact = no new hurts
I know its hard to detach, but when you are actively involved in his craziness, you become crazy, worse then them.
((((((((((hugs)))))))))) keep posting and asking quetions!!
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Join Date: Aug 2014
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ubntubnt-
I just want to tell you that I have enjoyed reading your posts. Your comments coming from the "other" side has helped me tremendously. Its like hitting an open AA meeting from my kitchen. (glad to see you gave aa a chance, it works when you work it)
I read your whole story today and I am very proud of how you took control of your drinking and have worked a program. You have no idea how powerful your comments are. I copy comments down that inspire me or that might inspire someone else and I have copied a few of your posts!!
So congratulations on your sobriety and keep coming back to friends and family.... we need more of your powerful comments to help all of us enablers move forward.
Thank you my new "friend"!!!
I just want to tell you that I have enjoyed reading your posts. Your comments coming from the "other" side has helped me tremendously. Its like hitting an open AA meeting from my kitchen. (glad to see you gave aa a chance, it works when you work it)
I read your whole story today and I am very proud of how you took control of your drinking and have worked a program. You have no idea how powerful your comments are. I copy comments down that inspire me or that might inspire someone else and I have copied a few of your posts!!
So congratulations on your sobriety and keep coming back to friends and family.... we need more of your powerful comments to help all of us enablers move forward.
Thank you my new "friend"!!!
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Originally Posted by chantylc
ubntubnt -
Thank you for your opinion. I really do feel sometimes that I am enabling him during this phase in his life.
I dont know if I am thinking rationally right now but this is what I fear:
- he might find someone else and will change for this person
- he told me he is going to help himself, but still wants to go out and drink?
Thank you for your opinion. I really do feel sometimes that I am enabling him during this phase in his life.
I dont know if I am thinking rationally right now but this is what I fear:
- he might find someone else and will change for this person
- he told me he is going to help himself, but still wants to go out and drink?
Right now he doesn't want to quit badly enough. I was in the place that he is in for years. Stopping drinking completely, forever, literally needs to be the number one priority in life for the alcoholic. Number 1 - more important than relationships or family or money. Because if you don't quit then they are all gone anyway. He is not at that stage yet. And no other woman is going to get him there. But thats not really the point, the point is that he is not going to change with you and you need to put yourself first.
So here is what I think you should do. Stay away from him. Encourage him to get sober and stay sober, to never drink again. Put yourself first and get some support whether its alanon or counselling. Do not contact him, for anything.Then after 6 months or so, once your heart is somewhat healed and you are feeling better you can see how he is doing. If he is 6 months sober at that time you can talk with him and see if there is anything there. If he is not sober (which I would be willing to bet he won't be) then you will know you made the right decision to move away from him.
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Maia1234 -
I love that quote. I have so many fears of what may happen in the future. It seems that everytime I get a bad gut feeling it comes true. This is how I am with him, in most cases if I have bad feelings of him drinking - I get a phone call from him.
I think in all honesty, I have to leave him alone even though I want to help him? I cant seem my heart (anxiety) can take that for the millionth time. I was scared of this happening and it came true.
I love that quote. I have so many fears of what may happen in the future. It seems that everytime I get a bad gut feeling it comes true. This is how I am with him, in most cases if I have bad feelings of him drinking - I get a phone call from him.
I think in all honesty, I have to leave him alone even though I want to help him? I cant seem my heart (anxiety) can take that for the millionth time. I was scared of this happening and it came true.
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ubntubnt -
I agree with mia1234 - your messages are so powerful!!! I thank you so much for taking your time to provide me with great advice. I think you got me to finally realize that it will take time and I have to leave him and let him work on himself.
I am just so angry - I told him that his drinking needs to stop for the sake of our relationship - but he kept doing it, so I know I wasnt his priority.
I agree with mia1234 - your messages are so powerful!!! I thank you so much for taking your time to provide me with great advice. I think you got me to finally realize that it will take time and I have to leave him and let him work on himself.
I am just so angry - I told him that his drinking needs to stop for the sake of our relationship - but he kept doing it, so I know I wasnt his priority.
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I will post one more thing that I borrowed from here. This will help you make the decision you need to make.....
If you love me let me fall all by myself. Don't try to spread a net out to catch me, don't throw a pillow under my a** to cushion the pain so I don't have to feel it, don't stand in the place I am going to land so that you can break the fall (allowing yourself to get hurt instead of me) ...
Let me fall as far down as my addiction is going to take me, let me walk the valley alone all by myself, let me reach the bottom of the pit ... trust that there is a bottom there somewhere even if you can't see it. The sooner you stop saving me from myself, stop rescuing me, trying to fix my broken-ness, trying to understand me to a fault, enabling me ...
The sooner you allow me to feel the loss and consequences, the burden of my addiction on my shoulders and not yours ... the sooner I will arrive ... and on time ... just right where I need to be ... me, alone, all by myself in the rubble of the lifestyle I lead ... resist the urge to pull me out because that will only put me back at square one ... If I am allowed to stay at the bottom and live there for a while ...
I am free to get sick of it on my own, free to begin to want out, free to look for a way out, and free to plan how I will climb back up to the top. In the beginning as I start to climb out.. I just might slide back down, but don't worry I might have to hit bottom a couple more times before I make it out safe and sound ... Don't you see ?? Don't you know?? You can't do this for me ... I have to do it for myself, but if you are always breaking the fall how am I ever suppose to feel the pain that is part of the driving force to want to get well. It is my burden to carry, not yours ...
I know you love me and that you mean well and a lot of what you do is because you don't know what to do and you act from your heart not from knowledge of what is best for me ... but if you truly love me let me go my own way, make my own choices be they bad or good ... don't clip my wings before I can learn to fly ... Nudge me out of your safety net ... trust the process and pray for me ... that one day I will not only fly, but maybe even soar.
If you love me let me fall all by myself. Don't try to spread a net out to catch me, don't throw a pillow under my a** to cushion the pain so I don't have to feel it, don't stand in the place I am going to land so that you can break the fall (allowing yourself to get hurt instead of me) ...
Let me fall as far down as my addiction is going to take me, let me walk the valley alone all by myself, let me reach the bottom of the pit ... trust that there is a bottom there somewhere even if you can't see it. The sooner you stop saving me from myself, stop rescuing me, trying to fix my broken-ness, trying to understand me to a fault, enabling me ...
The sooner you allow me to feel the loss and consequences, the burden of my addiction on my shoulders and not yours ... the sooner I will arrive ... and on time ... just right where I need to be ... me, alone, all by myself in the rubble of the lifestyle I lead ... resist the urge to pull me out because that will only put me back at square one ... If I am allowed to stay at the bottom and live there for a while ...
I am free to get sick of it on my own, free to begin to want out, free to look for a way out, and free to plan how I will climb back up to the top. In the beginning as I start to climb out.. I just might slide back down, but don't worry I might have to hit bottom a couple more times before I make it out safe and sound ... Don't you see ?? Don't you know?? You can't do this for me ... I have to do it for myself, but if you are always breaking the fall how am I ever suppose to feel the pain that is part of the driving force to want to get well. It is my burden to carry, not yours ...
I know you love me and that you mean well and a lot of what you do is because you don't know what to do and you act from your heart not from knowledge of what is best for me ... but if you truly love me let me go my own way, make my own choices be they bad or good ... don't clip my wings before I can learn to fly ... Nudge me out of your safety net ... trust the process and pray for me ... that one day I will not only fly, but maybe even soar.
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Update all -
We just got into another huge argument about last weekend. And he is throwing me under the bus telling his family that I was being to controlling of his life and is blaming me for the break up.
More drama.
We just got into another huge argument about last weekend. And he is throwing me under the bus telling his family that I was being to controlling of his life and is blaming me for the break up.
More drama.
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Maia1234,
Thank you. Please inspire me with quotes it's actually sinking in my mind. I just hope I stay in this mindset I have an issue of not remembering advice from others and cave in whenever he contacts me.
Thank you. Please inspire me with quotes it's actually sinking in my mind. I just hope I stay in this mindset I have an issue of not remembering advice from others and cave in whenever he contacts me.
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Originally Posted by chantylc
ubntubnt -
Thank you for your opinion. I really do feel sometimes that I am enabling him during this phase in his life.
I dont know if I am thinking rationally right now but this is what I fear:
- he might find someone else and will change for this person
- he told me he is going to help himself, but still wants to go out and drink?
Thank you for your opinion. I really do feel sometimes that I am enabling him during this phase in his life.
I dont know if I am thinking rationally right now but this is what I fear:
- he might find someone else and will change for this person
- he told me he is going to help himself, but still wants to go out and drink?
-you might find someone else and this guy won't have to change for you because he'll already be what you need
-you told HIM (your A) that you are going to help yourself, and he can still go out and drink.... because it is his choice for his life, and your choice for your life
So sorry you are going through this. I can empathize as I just left my abf whom I am madly in love with, but I have come to accept that his alcoholism is a greater reality than my dreams would like to believe....
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I will try a put some together tomorrow.
What i do is set up a draft and i cut and paste into the draft if I see a line or a paragraph that inspires me. I keep it active till it fills up and then I send it to myself and put it in an alanon file. Then I start a new draft, always something active.
I have one that subject is "comments from SR" or "What an A says" . This way if I am looking for something in particular I know which one to look under, I have many files.
I am glad that you are growing... I will send this one to you to ponder tonight... Goodnight my friend!!! May you sleep well!!
Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation -- some fact of my life -- unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be, at this moment.
What i do is set up a draft and i cut and paste into the draft if I see a line or a paragraph that inspires me. I keep it active till it fills up and then I send it to myself and put it in an alanon file. Then I start a new draft, always something active.
I have one that subject is "comments from SR" or "What an A says" . This way if I am looking for something in particular I know which one to look under, I have many files.
I am glad that you are growing... I will send this one to you to ponder tonight... Goodnight my friend!!! May you sleep well!!
Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation -- some fact of my life -- unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be, at this moment.
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If ask him calmly but directly: "do you think you are you an alcoholic?" Watch him squirm, deflect, deny, throw tantrums, rant and rage. The reason is that every alcoholic knows that once they finally admit that they are, they know that the only solution is to stop drinking permanently. And because our addiction won't let us stop we can't admit it. Being an alcoholic that can't stop is an impossible situation for anyone so its easier to do anything other than to admit it we are an alcoholic. I would have rather burned the house down than admit I was an alcoholic. The arguments, blaming you for controlling him etc have no basis in rationality, they are just used to reflect from the cold hard reality that he is an alcoholic.
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Well go No Contact with him and keep going to your counsellor to get support to stand in your decision.
Originally Posted by chantylc
Hello All,
Ive been reading many posts online on this website and has made me feeling better just a tad - but I am in desperate help.
I have been with my on and off boyfriend for about 7 years. We have broken up many times and got back together during the 7 years for tons of reasons and one of the main reasons is his behavior when he is urging to drink and the aftermath.
We just recently got back together 5 months ago, after a 4 month break, and I missed him like crazy (one of my reasons I got back with him) but didnt really think about the decision I made. He hangs around bad people who drink and go out all the time. Many times throughout the years, I picked him up late in the morning at random houses, clubs, on the street. This caused my anxiety of the weekends and so scared of phone calls. This happened many times in our relationship, but I still went to go save him.
Just recently in our relationship, he has a 2nd DUI, and now realizing the fact that he has an addiction to alcohol. I knew he had this issue in the past, but now it has been getting worst. When we got back together, he was "good" for a a month, but his urge kept coming back. He constantly was lying to me about where he was going, finding bottles in his car, and blaming me for everything! He also has two cars, one with an interlock device, but refuses to drive it on the weekend (so he can drink). He recently went to the ER because of his binge drinking and called me to rescue.
He has been very sneaky, lying to me, and the most painful thing is BLAMING me for his actions. His mom is making him see a therapist, and he agreed too, but he is only doing it because his mom says so. Sounds childish right? We both are 29 - I hate drinking and going out because it has caused me so much resentment. I am currently seeing a therapists, because I am so in love with him. Ive sacrificed and cleaned up all his messes whenever he got drunk.
This weekend was a party (Seahawks going to the Super Bowl) and he was just completely rude to me! I asked him on Friday what "we" were doing this weekend and he just got so defensive and mean towards me! Which got me to panic - later on, I found out he was out with his ex gf and got wasted all weekend long (which is why his phone was off).
We both went to couples counseling too just last weekend, and I thought he was sincere that he was trying to improve our relationship. During the whole weekend, he was using our session as an excuse so I can let him go out, but everytime he does - he always ends up drunk and cheats on me constantly.
I just broke up with him, and to be honest, he is a good manipulator, I am trying to talk to him calmly, but constantly blames me for everything. But I LOVE HIM??? HELP! I need help to get out this relationship for good! I am scared that I am going to take him back for the millionth time.
Ive been reading many posts online on this website and has made me feeling better just a tad - but I am in desperate help.
I have been with my on and off boyfriend for about 7 years. We have broken up many times and got back together during the 7 years for tons of reasons and one of the main reasons is his behavior when he is urging to drink and the aftermath.
We just recently got back together 5 months ago, after a 4 month break, and I missed him like crazy (one of my reasons I got back with him) but didnt really think about the decision I made. He hangs around bad people who drink and go out all the time. Many times throughout the years, I picked him up late in the morning at random houses, clubs, on the street. This caused my anxiety of the weekends and so scared of phone calls. This happened many times in our relationship, but I still went to go save him.
Just recently in our relationship, he has a 2nd DUI, and now realizing the fact that he has an addiction to alcohol. I knew he had this issue in the past, but now it has been getting worst. When we got back together, he was "good" for a a month, but his urge kept coming back. He constantly was lying to me about where he was going, finding bottles in his car, and blaming me for everything! He also has two cars, one with an interlock device, but refuses to drive it on the weekend (so he can drink). He recently went to the ER because of his binge drinking and called me to rescue.
He has been very sneaky, lying to me, and the most painful thing is BLAMING me for his actions. His mom is making him see a therapist, and he agreed too, but he is only doing it because his mom says so. Sounds childish right? We both are 29 - I hate drinking and going out because it has caused me so much resentment. I am currently seeing a therapists, because I am so in love with him. Ive sacrificed and cleaned up all his messes whenever he got drunk.
This weekend was a party (Seahawks going to the Super Bowl) and he was just completely rude to me! I asked him on Friday what "we" were doing this weekend and he just got so defensive and mean towards me! Which got me to panic - later on, I found out he was out with his ex gf and got wasted all weekend long (which is why his phone was off).
We both went to couples counseling too just last weekend, and I thought he was sincere that he was trying to improve our relationship. During the whole weekend, he was using our session as an excuse so I can let him go out, but everytime he does - he always ends up drunk and cheats on me constantly.
I just broke up with him, and to be honest, he is a good manipulator, I am trying to talk to him calmly, but constantly blames me for everything. But I LOVE HIM??? HELP! I need help to get out this relationship for good! I am scared that I am going to take him back for the millionth time.
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