I am in LOVE with an alcoholic.
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
He is an out of control alcoholic who doesn't want to take responsibility for his actions. You are right there bailing him out so of course he'll blame you.
You don't deserve that do you?
As far as worrying about jail or death, his drinking is his choice and responsibility
NOT yours.
Get to some Alanon meetings for yourself and as I said previously go no contact.
You can't save him but you can save yourself.
You don't deserve that do you?
As far as worrying about jail or death, his drinking is his choice and responsibility
NOT yours.
Get to some Alanon meetings for yourself and as I said previously go no contact.
You can't save him but you can save yourself.
Originally Posted by chantylc 
Hello and thanks for your reply.
Yes I am currently seeing a therapist to help me get through all of this. But the thing I'm scared of his losing him (dead or in jail) I have these constant thoughts always during the weekend.
He's a emotionally roller coaster, he's the sweetest guy when he isn't drinking but when it comes to the weekend he is so different! Whenever I question what he is doing he blames it on me after the fact he has been drinking. "You shouldn't of gotten me mad that's why I drank" all the time. It hurts my heart, I am there for him whenever he needs me and I get this in return?
Yes I am currently seeing a therapist to help me get through all of this. But the thing I'm scared of his losing him (dead or in jail) I have these constant thoughts always during the weekend.
He's a emotionally roller coaster, he's the sweetest guy when he isn't drinking but when it comes to the weekend he is so different! Whenever I question what he is doing he blames it on me after the fact he has been drinking. "You shouldn't of gotten me mad that's why I drank" all the time. It hurts my heart, I am there for him whenever he needs me and I get this in return?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 27
All,
I wanted to give a brief update.
I called my ex (ahh) and now he's putting on the blame on me? He's saying I am too controlling and obsessed with him.
Now since I decided to leave he's making it seem it's all my fault?
I feel so hurt.
I wanted to give a brief update.
I called my ex (ahh) and now he's putting on the blame on me? He's saying I am too controlling and obsessed with him.
Now since I decided to leave he's making it seem it's all my fault?
I feel so hurt.
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
I really don't want to sound harsh but facts are if you keep calling him you will ALWAYS feel hurt.
That is what he wants.
What do you want?
That is what he wants.
What do you want?
Originally Posted by chantylc
All,
I wanted to give a brief update.
I called my ex (ahh) and now he's putting on the blame on me? He's saying I am too controlling and obsessed with him.
Now since I decided to leave he's making it seem it's all my fault?
I feel so hurt.
I wanted to give a brief update.
I called my ex (ahh) and now he's putting on the blame on me? He's saying I am too controlling and obsessed with him.
Now since I decided to leave he's making it seem it's all my fault?
I feel so hurt.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Canada
Posts: 2,449
You may be shocked at what a few months of no contact can do for you. As an RA and one that was stuck in an abusive, alcoholic, toxic relationship for almost 5 yrs with someone I thought I couldn't live without, a few months of no contact can do wonders. Was it easy? hell no. But everyday there was no contact, there was less drama, anxiety and chaos....it got easier. At the 4 month mark, I had enough clarity to see that relationship for what it really was...a long and miserable life.
You cannot save him. You need to save yourself right now.
You cannot save him. You need to save yourself right now.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
We often tell people new to SR the three "C's" about their partner's alcoholism:
You didn't cause it;
You can't control it; and
You can't cure it.
If you go back through your posts on this thread, you will see that you (as do most of us when we first come to SR) believe that YOU are the center of HIS equation.
In other words, what YOU do is important and essential to what HE does.
That's just not true. If it were, then all of us here on SoberRecovery would have cured our loved one's alcoholism or addiction.
The only equation that we are the center of is our own. We can only choose our own behavior and only live our own lives. As much as we love someone else and deeply and desperately want them to give up alcohol, that is not our choice.
Each person gets to choose how they live, and they have that right even if we think it is destructive or unhealthy or whatever. We don't get to live anybody else's life, even if we try to do so out of love.
For myself, having left an alcoholic abusive husband of 20 years on July 4, 2012, I thought I could change him. I thought I was obligated to try to "fix" him. After many months on my own, and much counsel from SR and therapy, I realized that it was misplaced and arrogant of me to assume that I had the right to make choices for someone else, even if my motives were, in my own mind, good.
What is important here is what you want. You are seeing through the lens of an alcoholic, even though you are not a drinker yourself. You are talking about your own life primarily as it connects to his life.
What do you want for yourself? What is healthy for you? What would a healthy happy life look like for you? If you are the center of your own life, what do you want to create?
That is a good place to start as you begin to move away from your addiction to your partner. That is what codependence is - an addiction to someone else and their problems and issues, and a belief that our ability and responsibility to help them is more important than our accountability to live our own lives well.
Beyond Codependent No More, there is another book that I found very helpful about why it was so very hard for me to let go of a relationship that was so destructive to me:
The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships by Patrict J. Carnes
Have patience with yourself, and be gentle to yourself. You need time away from the perpetually unbalancing cycle of your up and down/off and on again relationship with your boyfriend in order to begin to see those cycles. So, going No Contact completely is very helpful, even as hard as it is. It gives you time to step back and to get a handle on being able to live without primarily being reactive to what he does. From what you've written, I am seeing the cycle repeat:
Take what you want, leave the rest; this was all said with great empathy.
ShootingStar1
You didn't cause it;
You can't control it; and
You can't cure it.
If you go back through your posts on this thread, you will see that you (as do most of us when we first come to SR) believe that YOU are the center of HIS equation.
In other words, what YOU do is important and essential to what HE does.
That's just not true. If it were, then all of us here on SoberRecovery would have cured our loved one's alcoholism or addiction.
The only equation that we are the center of is our own. We can only choose our own behavior and only live our own lives. As much as we love someone else and deeply and desperately want them to give up alcohol, that is not our choice.
Each person gets to choose how they live, and they have that right even if we think it is destructive or unhealthy or whatever. We don't get to live anybody else's life, even if we try to do so out of love.
For myself, having left an alcoholic abusive husband of 20 years on July 4, 2012, I thought I could change him. I thought I was obligated to try to "fix" him. After many months on my own, and much counsel from SR and therapy, I realized that it was misplaced and arrogant of me to assume that I had the right to make choices for someone else, even if my motives were, in my own mind, good.
What is important here is what you want. You are seeing through the lens of an alcoholic, even though you are not a drinker yourself. You are talking about your own life primarily as it connects to his life.
What do you want for yourself? What is healthy for you? What would a healthy happy life look like for you? If you are the center of your own life, what do you want to create?
That is a good place to start as you begin to move away from your addiction to your partner. That is what codependence is - an addiction to someone else and their problems and issues, and a belief that our ability and responsibility to help them is more important than our accountability to live our own lives well.
Beyond Codependent No More, there is another book that I found very helpful about why it was so very hard for me to let go of a relationship that was so destructive to me:
The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships by Patrict J. Carnes
Have patience with yourself, and be gentle to yourself. You need time away from the perpetually unbalancing cycle of your up and down/off and on again relationship with your boyfriend in order to begin to see those cycles. So, going No Contact completely is very helpful, even as hard as it is. It gives you time to step back and to get a handle on being able to live without primarily being reactive to what he does. From what you've written, I am seeing the cycle repeat:
he draws you close and apologizes and is sweet;
then he wants to drink again and needs to justify himself
so he begins to criticize and blame you for his drinking;
that gives him the "reasons" he needs to be mean to you/break up with you;
then he realizes that his drinking life is easier with you because you enable him, so he is nice again to get your support back;
and on and on.
If you start thinking about what you can control - your own life - and step back from his cycles of addictive behavior toward you, you will begin to see this.then he wants to drink again and needs to justify himself
so he begins to criticize and blame you for his drinking;
that gives him the "reasons" he needs to be mean to you/break up with you;
then he realizes that his drinking life is easier with you because you enable him, so he is nice again to get your support back;
and on and on.
Take what you want, leave the rest; this was all said with great empathy.
ShootingStar1
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
You can stop the drama any time you chose Or you can continue jumping into the cesspool for another swim, the choice has always been yours.
Do you want to be a strong independent woman or do you want to be his puppet? Again the choice is yours.
You broke up with him yet continue to call him, I can see why he thinks you are obsessed.
Do you want to be a strong independent woman or do you want to be his puppet? Again the choice is yours.
You broke up with him yet continue to call him, I can see why he thinks you are obsessed.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Now since I decided to leave he's making it seem it's all my fault?
Honestly, who cares what he thinks? You know why you left. You don't need him or Queen Elizabeth or Vladimir Putin to say it's OK. You wanted to leave, and you did, and that's OK. You don't need anyone's approval.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,548
It can be very hard to break off a relationship, but sometimes it's best to step away from the vortex before it draws you in.
It sounds as if this person isn't ready for a relationship right now, and your on-and-off history indicates he hasn't been for some time. Loving someone a whole lot doesn't make the relationship a healthy one. Staying with someone out of habit or because one is afraid to be alone isn't healthy either.
If he was NOT an alcoholic, I would suggest someone go no contact for at least 6 or 8 months, so both could work on developing support systems, healthy habits and friendships outside of one another. This is NOT done with the mindset of taking a break from one another. This is to develop the habit of fashioning a life without the person who has proven to be not good for you.
It's what I would suggest for someone whose partner IS an alcoholic, too.
It sounds as if this person isn't ready for a relationship right now, and your on-and-off history indicates he hasn't been for some time. Loving someone a whole lot doesn't make the relationship a healthy one. Staying with someone out of habit or because one is afraid to be alone isn't healthy either.
If he was NOT an alcoholic, I would suggest someone go no contact for at least 6 or 8 months, so both could work on developing support systems, healthy habits and friendships outside of one another. This is NOT done with the mindset of taking a break from one another. This is to develop the habit of fashioning a life without the person who has proven to be not good for you.
It's what I would suggest for someone whose partner IS an alcoholic, too.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 90
You are not alone. Like you, I also hate the weekends. I dread them, really. During the week most of us follow a predictable routine which gives me a feeling of safety. But on the weekends, who knows what will happen. I understand that anxious feeling.
I also understand loving an alcoholic. Like you said, he really is the sweetest guy but in the blink of an eye he can be mean, vindictive, and blame you for everything that is wrong. You end up believing that and you have never felt so alone or crazy. But yet...you still love him and would drop everything to be there for him.
After lurking on these boards for awhile, I decided to actually listen to what all these people and posts were saying. I'm not even 25 years old and for the past year I have been in an almost constant of stress or hurt; just waiting, hoping, wishing, and praying for it all to be "okay." But I realized something had to change.
I too read the Co-Dependent No More book. It's a good book. It will remind you (and prove to you) that you are not crazy, you will recognize yourself in the pages of the book.
I attended my first Al-Anon meeting last week. This particular group was not for me, but I am searching and excited to find the group that is right for me. I realize that I need people who can relate to this part of my life. You need people who understand!
And the whole non-contact thing is rough. There is a reason I am sitting at home on Friday night on this board. It is heart breaking. I like to remind myself though that it is not forever, just for now. We each have to work our own process...two unhealthy people can't have a healthy relationship.
You aren't alone. Get yourself and your life balanced so you can be the best version of yourself for your own sake and for the people that you love. Things will work out in time! Stay strong.
I also understand loving an alcoholic. Like you said, he really is the sweetest guy but in the blink of an eye he can be mean, vindictive, and blame you for everything that is wrong. You end up believing that and you have never felt so alone or crazy. But yet...you still love him and would drop everything to be there for him.
After lurking on these boards for awhile, I decided to actually listen to what all these people and posts were saying. I'm not even 25 years old and for the past year I have been in an almost constant of stress or hurt; just waiting, hoping, wishing, and praying for it all to be "okay." But I realized something had to change.
I too read the Co-Dependent No More book. It's a good book. It will remind you (and prove to you) that you are not crazy, you will recognize yourself in the pages of the book.
I attended my first Al-Anon meeting last week. This particular group was not for me, but I am searching and excited to find the group that is right for me. I realize that I need people who can relate to this part of my life. You need people who understand!
And the whole non-contact thing is rough. There is a reason I am sitting at home on Friday night on this board. It is heart breaking. I like to remind myself though that it is not forever, just for now. We each have to work our own process...two unhealthy people can't have a healthy relationship.
You aren't alone. Get yourself and your life balanced so you can be the best version of yourself for your own sake and for the people that you love. Things will work out in time! Stay strong.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: West Coast
Posts: 774
Yay for home alone on a Friday night... God, I think one of the reasons I was attracted to him in the first place was because he loved to go out! I still want that with someone, but definitely not right now, and not the way it was....
Magsie
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 26,683
Hi chantylc, oh how I wish, wish, wish I had all this wisdom years ago from this forum. The genuine words of experience laid before us so hopefully we can learn from it.
My dad drank, my mum enabled him right up to her death. He was such a nice man, sober, but when he drank, beware. He did cool it down a bit after my mum died and he met another lady who wouldn't have put up with all that ****.
Thing is, I followed my parents footsteps, I drank later and I became a co. dependant. In my naive youth I fell madly in love and things were great for 6 months, plans to get engaged then he went off with other women and I kept taking him back thinking he must love me over all the others to keep coming back, I quenched my own hurt feelings to have him back, after all that's what my mum did all her life, so I should, too.
He left me eventually with a broken heart but I healed with a few scars on my heart.
If I had had someone something to turn to for guidance it would have helped me not just at that time but for all the wrong decisions I made after that.
My dad drank, my mum enabled him right up to her death. He was such a nice man, sober, but when he drank, beware. He did cool it down a bit after my mum died and he met another lady who wouldn't have put up with all that ****.
Thing is, I followed my parents footsteps, I drank later and I became a co. dependant. In my naive youth I fell madly in love and things were great for 6 months, plans to get engaged then he went off with other women and I kept taking him back thinking he must love me over all the others to keep coming back, I quenched my own hurt feelings to have him back, after all that's what my mum did all her life, so I should, too.
He left me eventually with a broken heart but I healed with a few scars on my heart.
If I had had someone something to turn to for guidance it would have helped me not just at that time but for all the wrong decisions I made after that.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 62
Chantylc - I think the people encouraging you to go no contact are wise. He is trying to suck you back in with his drama. I can't relate to having 7 years invested in a relationship, but I did just end my relationship with an alcoholic a few weeks ago. I tried to convince myself that things were good but I always had to add "when he isn't drinking" to the end of that sentence. He seemed to want to get sober FOR ME, but even that wasn't enough. He didn't want it for himself. I made the decision to end it and go no contact. A couple weeks of no contact gave me the strength to have one last conversation where I reinforced that it was over. My life is so peaceful and happy now. I hated bringing him around my friends, and was embarrassed to talk to my friends about the chaos he was bringing to my life, so shedding all of that has made my social life so much better and happier.
It may sound cold, but I'm so happy I ended it before our lives were more entangled - joint property, children. Whenever I thought about the future, i thought about getting a phone call from my colleagues at the local trauma center telling me that he was there and had killed or injured someone driving drunk.
It may sound cold, but I'm so happy I ended it before our lives were more entangled - joint property, children. Whenever I thought about the future, i thought about getting a phone call from my colleagues at the local trauma center telling me that he was there and had killed or injured someone driving drunk.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 156
This is such a great thread and thanks to all of you for posting bc i loved reading every post. Soooooo helpful people!! I mean it is friday night, im home, and feeling kinda down. But i dont want to be out drinking anyway. I ran into my ex last night after 6 mo and he looked awful, and these posts help me remember why I left. And that tough love IS best. Thank you thank you thank you. Good to know others feel down being home on friday, but dont miss the alcoholic either. Comforting to read.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 90
I have no desire to drink or to go sit in a bar and watch people drink. I do miss the RA in my life and even though he's sober, he's still has some issues. I can't fix those for him and I also don't deserve to be a door mat. If our paths are meant to cross again they will, but I can't force it to go one way or the other. None of us can!
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