chantylc

Hello All,

Ive been reading many posts online on this website and has made me feeling better just a tad - but I am in desperate help.

I have been with my on and off boyfriend for about 7 years. We have broken up many times and got back together during the 7 years for tons of reasons and one of the main reasons is his behavior when he is urging to drink and the aftermath.

We just recently got back together 5 months ago, after a 4 month break, and I missed him like crazy (one of my reasons I got back with him) but didnt really think about the decision I made. He hangs around bad people who drink and go out all the time. Many times throughout the years, I picked him up late in the morning at random houses, clubs, on the street. This caused my anxiety of the weekends and so scared of phone calls. This happened many times in our relationship, but I still went to go save him.

Just recently in our relationship, he has a 2nd DUI, and now realizing the fact that he has an addiction to alcohol. I knew he had this issue in the past, but now it has been getting worst. When we got back together, he was "good" for a a month, but his urge kept coming back. He constantly was lying to me about where he was going, finding bottles in his car, and blaming me for everything! He also has two cars, one with an interlock device, but refuses to drive it on the weekend (so he can drink). He recently went to the ER because of his binge drinking and called me to rescue.

He has been very sneaky, lying to me, and the most painful thing is BLAMING me for his actions. His mom is making him see a therapist, and he agreed too, but he is only doing it because his mom says so. Sounds childish right? We both are 29 - I hate drinking and going out because it has caused me so much resentment. I am currently seeing a therapists, because I am so in love with him. Ive sacrificed and cleaned up all his messes whenever he got drunk.

This weekend was a party (Seahawks going to the Super Bowl) and he was just completely rude to me! I asked him on Friday what "we" were doing this weekend and he just got so defensive and mean towards me! Which got me to panic - later on, I found out he was out with his ex gf and got wasted all weekend long (which is why his phone was off).

We both went to couples counseling too just last weekend, and I thought he was sincere that he was trying to improve our relationship. During the whole weekend, he was using our session as an excuse so I can let him go out, but everytime he does - he always ends up drunk and cheats on me constantly.

I just broke up with him, and to be honest, he is a good manipulator, I am trying to talk to him calmly, but constantly blames me for everything. But I LOVE HIM??? HELP! I need help to get out this relationship for good! I am scared that I am going to take him back for the millionth time.

ladyscribbler

Have you done any type of individual counseling? Or checked out an Alanon meeting? Sounds like you've already been through this scenario with him many times, what do you think you need to help you break the pattern?
It may be time to reexamine your definition of love, because this man is not treating you with love and respect. You deserve much better.
ETA: If he is manipulating you when you talk to him, consider going no contact for awhile.

Jodie77

Chantylc,

Sorry for what you are going through. My story (along with so many others on SR) is very similar to yours. I am newly out of my 5 year relationship and my heart is breaking every day. But what I can tell you for absolute certainty is that what you see will continue. The break ups and make-ups, the pushing you away then coming back, the lies and manipulation, the turning off his phone, etc. It's a roller coaster ride from hell with an addict. I know you love him, I love my ex fiancé; but we must love ourselves more.

You're 29. You're young. I'm 37 and wish I could rewind the clock to make different decisions that would have benefited my health and sanity (i.e getting the addicts out of my life). You're burning time with him. This is a no win battle right into crazy town. Until he gets sober (which could take many, many years...if ever) you are 100% wasting your tears and years.

You will get some great advice from the SR community. I'm only 2 weeks out of my relationship and although I'm in excruciating pain I have already begun to see things more clearly. Only you can decide when to get off the ride.

I'm sorry that you're here but I'm sending you hugs.

We understand.....

chantylc

Hello and thanks for your reply.

Yes I am currently seeing a therapist to help me get through all of this. But the thing I'm scared of his losing him (dead or in jail) I have these constant thoughts always during the weekend.

He's a emotionally roller coaster, he's the sweetest guy when he isn't drinking but when it comes to the weekend he is so different! Whenever I question what he is doing he blames it on me after the fact he has been drinking. "You shouldn't of gotten me mad that's why I drank" all the time. It hurts my heart, I am there for him whenever he needs me and I get this in return?

chantylc

Jodie77,

Your reply just melted my heart. I feel that this guy brings so much pain in my life, I am there for him anytime he needs me. I try to help his addiction and ways for him to recovery, but nothing is working. I feel like a failure! My anxiety is always high when it comes towards the weekend (I cant even enjoy the weekends anymore because I am worrying about him). His visit to the ER scared me so much!

Jodie77

Chantylc,

I understand. WE understand. I had a full mane of very long thick hair and it started coming out in handfuls for a year straight due to the stress my XAF was putting on me with his using. We become sicker than them. You can't help him. You can't save him. But you can save yourself.

Impurrfect

Alcoholics (and addicts) are GREAT at blaming their behavior on you.

Just so you know, I'm not only someone who has loved ones who are/were addicts/alcoholics, I'm a recovering addict.

I spent more than 20 years with a functional alcoholic. I turned to drugs to deal with it, obviously not what most people do.

You say you are there for him whenever he needs you. What would happen if you weren't? Just maybe, he'd get to deal with the consequences of his behavior?

I say this as someone who had loved ones say "that's it, we are NOT going to put up with this any more" and let me deal with the consequences.

I chose recovery, my ex chose death, as did my stepmom. They didn't want to hear what I had to share.

Love can't fix addiction. Consequences may, or may not. It is totally up to the addicted person which path they will follow.

I don't mean to be harsh, but I do know addiction. The best thing we can do is take care or ourselves, and I'm grateful to the people here who showed me how to do that.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

chantylc

Jodie77,

I can't thank you enough for your kind words. My heart is in pain, I just got off the phone with him all resulting in another argument. I can't stay away - he acknowledges what he did was his fault and his sorry for what happen. But he always says sorry and then it happens again.

Moving forward - how do I get out of this mess. I have to save myself from this And not let it happen again.

LemonGirl

I am right there with you Jodie! Excruciating pain... AND seeing things more clearly... like waves

Jodie77

So there's this amazing book that was recommended in these forums titled "Codependent No More." I read it and it gave me invaluable insight and strength. I would start there.

The process of breaking up with an A is typically a long and slow one with multiple attempts based on my experience and from what I've read here from others. I don't have all the answers...there are some really seasoned vets here who can offer wonderful enlightenment. Impurrfect is one of them (she posted above). Listen to what she has to say as she lived with addiction and understands that world firsthand.

I'd start with Alanon and that book. You're sooooo young. Don't waste the rest of your life and child bearing years on a sick man. You'll only become sick with him.

chantylc

Impurrfect -

You are not being harsh at all, and I thank you for your response. The reason why I was always saving him was because I was scared that he would leave me if i didnt and would end up in an argument.

I lost jobs, friends and most importantly my sanity going through all this every weekend. I was scared and couldnt sleep at night because I knew he was going to call me to pick him up. I just didnt want him to leave or get upset at me.

Jodie77

Ladyscribber has helped me too....and so many others

chantylc

Jodie77,

I will grab that book and also attend Alanon meetings. Thank you so much!!!!!!

chantylc

Thank you all for your great advice. I appreciate it from the bottom of my heart.

maia1234

C- Welcome, and sorry you are here. You have come to an amazing place. People have walked in your shoes for many many years. So much experience and knowledge of stuff we all should not know.

Keep your mind open to all suggestions and ideas. Take what you want and leave the rest. Your A BF is very sick and feels that he can drag you down the dark whole with him. You have come here so you are making the choice not to go with.

Read the stickies, try and hit an alanon meeting, there is open AA meetings that are great. Listen and educate on what will eventually happen to your A.

We are not a forum to tell you how you can get your a sober. We are a forum to bring peace and serenity back in your life. You work your program, you will heal (he may not).

((((((((((((hugs, we are all here for you)))))))))))))))))

pinkpeony

You're right, you do have to save yourself. I'm 20 years and seven kids into my marriage with my AH. Now stuck here trying to find a way out.
Don't be like me and waste all the years of your precious life, it's only going to get worse.
My AH is charming and loving and great and then he's not, awfully lot like your guy. It's a horrible way to live.

Do you live together? If so, can you go stay with family or a friend and go no contact with him for maybe two weeks while you get some space and time away from the craziness to think?

Impurrfect

chantylc - I tried to commit suicide a few times, as I was totally afraid of losing my bf. Not something I'm proud of, it's just what it was.

I ran into him at a funeral of a mutual friend, some years later. I saw a man who hadn't changed, he was pretending to be someone he wasn't (Mr. Good Guy). He didn't even recognize me, granted I was much thinner and had a different color or hair. He said "OMG!!!"

This was the man I thought I couldn't live without. It takes time, it's hard as hell, but YOU deserve to live the life you want and if he can't live up to your expectations? Go through the grief and move one.

Just my 2 cents as someone who has been there.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

ubntubnt

hi Chanylc - I am a 42 year old alcoholic male. Married with two kids. a lot of what is in your story reminds me of myself in my darker days.

Your on again off again bf is an alcoholic. I can assure you (and if you read through the site you will see that most would agree) that alcoholism is a PROGRESSIVE disease. This means that the situation and his behaviours will get worse not better with time. If he does not stop drinking it may kill him eventually. It is very serious.

His behaviour is completely unacceptable and it is 100% typical of an alcoholic. We make terrible partners because - and this will be hard for you to hear - we love alcohol far more than we love our own partners. We will sacrifice anything, relationships with family, our business, our self respect, anything, to feed our addiction. We can't help it, alcohol takes over our brains and we do not think rationally. The ONLY way to break the ever spiralling situation is to stop drinking immediately and never drink again. Then with time we can learn to see straight again, think rationally again and eventually rebuild our lives.

As long as your ex continues to drink his behaviour will continue to get worse and for as long as you continue to allow yourself to attach to him he will continue to drag you down. you sound a lovely young woman with a great heart - you do not deserve to have it broken by an alcoholic. But this is what he will do - its what we all do.

chantylc

Maia1234 - thank you for your support, I have no support (only my therapist) becauSe I have been hiding this relationship. I want to heal it's hurting a lot right now.

Pink peony - thank you. No we don't live together. Whenever I do the no contact rule I get so anxious wondering if he's still alive?

Impurrfect- I have thoughts about it before but never attempted this is how much pain I'm going through. Thank you Amy!

chantylc

Ubntubnt - wow!!! This is what he tells me all the time, whenever he is drinking he says he doesn't "think" clearly. I'm in tears now - all of you have been so kind with great advice!!!

I feel sometimes I can't live without him, I get anxiety whenever I don't see him and wonder if he is alive. Am I doing too much? I stay around because I just want to make sure he's ok. Am I enabling him?