KittieKat123

Firstly, I'd like to apologise for how long this is!

I am currently with a binge drinking alcoholic. We have been together for 7 months but have known him for a lot longer.
I knew before we got together that he "used to have problems with alcohol" but apparently it was only when he decided to drink Vodka, nothing else. And according to him this was years ago.

Just like all alcoholics seem to be - when he is sober he is the most loving, perfect person who I love deeply and want to spend the rest of my life with. I couldn't imagine being with anyone else. The only flaw is his drinking, and when he drinks he turns into a different person - not physically abusive but mentally.

He hid it well in the first 2 months or so of the relationship. We actually went out to pubs and drank beer together, as I didn't think this was an issue and didn't know the complete truth about him.
About 2 months into the relationship his son (who is 15) came around and saw a beer can on the floor and said something like "you said you didn't drink in the day because you know what will happen" and after that I said I was concerned that he seemed to be drinking every day, although not to the point where it was affecting anything. So he seemed to stop (hiding it well when he did drink by telling me he was at his dads or was feeling tired so couldn't see me)

Now, 7 months into the relationship, he is not working (wasn't when I met him!) and is on Job Seekers. Every time he gets paid (fortnightly) he drinks. He drinks fortnightly, for about 3-4 days. (he has had bad moments where its longer, but this is typically what happens)
When he drinks, he basically just sleeps. He isn't abusive or anything unless I wake him up - then he tells me he hates me, doesn't love me etc. and tells me to f off. Everything is fine if I just accept it and leave him, but that's not the point. I don't want a part-time boyfriend.
His kids say he has always been like this, so I'm not sure if that tells me he will never change.

A few months ago he actually proposed to me (I know, way too soon anyway!) and I actually ended up saying yes but the next day he was drunk so I took off the ring and told him we needed to wait until things were better between us. He actually had to get a loan for the ring which he is still occasionally paying back.
He has admitted he is an alcoholic. We tried going to AA but that didn't help and I know this wasn't the right thing for helping him. He now sees a "counsellor" although he only sees her fortnightly for about 15 mins but this doesn't do anything either. But this makes me think that at least he is trying? But when he drinks every time he gets paid until he runs out of money (its the only reason he stops!) it makes me think he's not even trying.
He doesn't seem to care how it affects anyone else.
Obviously afterwards he apologises etc. and he has said that he wants to change and honestly believes he will (and thinks it will be this year...)
He's told me that he's never tried to get help before me and that he wants to change now because he doesn't want to lose me. Yet he just keeps doing it! It is so frustrating.

Also, when he drinks he lies about it to me. Most of the time on the first day of drinking, when he has already been drinking, he arranges to meet me. Then when the time comes to meet up I can't get hold of him because he is passed out! This annoys me more because it just wastes my time and I hate all the lying and broken promises.

I just don't know what to do anymore.
I don't see how I could have a future with him if this continues as I wouldn't want to live with someone who when I come home from work is passed out in bed telling me to f off and smelling like alcohol. I definitely wouldn't marry him and have him wasting my money too. I don't want kids so thankfully that will never be an issue.

I think him proposing and me thinking about the future lately with him makes me want to stay and help him because I'd love that, but I also don't want to keep wasting my time on him if he is never going to get better.

Any ideas on what I should do - leave, stay?
Ideas on something that may help him to stop or at least go longer without a drink? (I wouldn't even mind putting up with it if it was once every couple of months, but weekly/fortnightly is just too often to handle!)
Anyone been in a similar situation?

Thank you for reading

Katchie

sorry for your pain. There are some things to be thankful for and the biggest is that you're not married to him. I hope that doesn't offend you but I've been married to an alcoholic for 22 progressive years. I can remember when I use to ask him to just abstain from drinking crown but he could have beer because it made him mean. Well, it doesn't matter when or what he drinks, he's a drunk that does awful things including drinking/driving putting others in danger. It's really quite selfish.

No one can tell you what to do. But I will say this, he doesn't sound like he cares to change. He claims AA didn't work for him; I bet its that he didn't work AA. A counselor for 15 minutes every two weeks isn't going to cut it either. He just isn't ready to change.

Now imagine yourself hitched to him in a marriage. Look at what his son is witnessing. Do you want YOUR children to grow up thinking this is normal? It will only get worse because alcoholism is progressive -- it will never get better if he doesn't make the decision to get better and you can't make him do it. It has to come from within him.

I'm married 22 yrs and we have 4 sons together. My kids have seen a lot and experienced a lot of pain, fear, anger, resentment, etc. This is life with an alcoholic.

Ideas on helping him stop -- get out of his way. Let him fall down so that he might look up and find his way to recovery -- ON HIS OWN. That is the key, but even then there is no guarantee he won't relapse down the road. There really is nothing you can do but protect yourself, go to Al-anon, and just get out of his way. I hope his son is getting help.

Its ugly and I'm so sorry. I really am. I pray that you are spared the awesome hurt that comes along with alcoholism.

atalose

You can’t change his history but you certainly can change the outcome of your future.

lillamy

Welcome -- and I'm sorry you're here, but when you're dating an alcoholic, SR is a very good place to be.

Start here: You didn't cause his alcoholism, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.

He's a wonderful man sober and a pain in the you know what drunk. The thing is, he's both. You can't take away the drunk when you consider him. It's not like he's temporarily woozy after getting laughing gas at the dentists. This is who he is now. It won't go away until HE wants help. And there's nothing you can do to make him want help.

I'm curious about this statement, for two reasons:
The "we" first of all. Did you convince him to go to AA, or was it his initiative? If it wasn't his initiative, he won't be open to anything an AA meeting would have for him.

Second -- you say you know it wasn't the right thing for him. How do you know? Because he said so? How many meetings did he attend before deciding it wouldn't help?

My ex refused to go to AA because "that place is full of drunks" (that is, he felt superior to them). You wouldn't believe how quickly he went to rehab and AA when I left him. Took less than 48 hours. He didn't stay sober, though -- because he didn't try to get sober for himself. He tried to play sober for a while to win me back. When that failed, he returned to his first love -- the bottle.

I married and had kids with an alcoholic, and I love my kids, but it was a really bad decision. Someone said to me at one point, "if you choose to stay, you have to know two things: Unless he chooses to get sober and recover, this is as good as it's ever going to get. Is this the life you want?"

Alcoholism is a progressive disease. That means without sobriety and recovery, it doesn't get better; it only gets worse.

I've used this picture a lot to show people WHY alcoholism isn't just something you can "quit" -- this is the future if your boyfriend doesn't get sober. Whether you want to hitch your wagon to that or not is completely up to you, but I recommend learning as much as possible about alcoholism so that if you DO marry him, you do it with eyes open and know what you're getting yourself into.

dandylion

KittyKat....if you want the TRUTH...here it is: Honey, if you stay with this relationship, you are guranteed to have more mental pain that you ever thought possible.
If you think it is bad now.....this is as good as it is going to get.

You are talking to the veterans, here. We are the experienced. We have been there and lived the horrors. We have the scars to show you.
You can believe us, when we speak.

dandylion

knowthetriggers

Hello - I am sorry to hear about your current situation. Please remember that if HE decides not to get help you will have to decide if this is the future you want.

I have been married to my AH for 17 years. Like you, he told me about his problem and he had done AA, had the sponsor, etc. However, he was taking painkillers to "ease" his pain. He just switched addictions from liquor to pills. Because I had never even heard of Alanon I had no idea this should have been a red flag to me. Guess I was too busy planning my life with him.

At any rate he hit what I THOUGHT was rock bottom after our 1st child was born. Did rehab, started AA again BUT he didn't stop the drinking OR taking the pills. Did more counseling, he lost three jobs in a span of three years. We we were in a financial crunch - there was NO money to pay for the house or the cars OR our daughter. Had to file bankruptcy, which plummeted him into a darker hole.

BUT one day I started Alanon. I got the help that I needed to help myself and our daughter and stayed out of HIS business.

Yes, we are still together, no the drinking has not stopped - although it is minimal in comparison - I will not be fooled, he is an AH, a quite functional one at the moment but he is still an AH...period.

I am not trying to tell you what your future will hold but please do not turn a blind eye to the truth and possibly what your future with this man holds.

You have come to the right place for support. Do what is right for YOU and keep coming back!

Cleo1234

Wow!!... i could of wrote this post word for word!!

My relationship with my xabf started the exact same way. After 7 months he moved in with me and things got worse and worse. He only relapsed every month or so, but even then, it caused major problems in the relationship. What eventually happens is you lose trust from all the lying and deceiving. I was with him a year and half and towards the end he would start to text his ex gf while drunk and this made me even more paranoid. I hated the person i was becoming. .. i started to snoop through his phone and texts and when he was drunk and passed out at a hotel some place id have major anxiety attacks wondering what was happening or if he was with someone. Id try to prevent him from a relapse and control him by making sure he stayed on track or knowing where he always was ... but i failed every time. I know he didn't want to drink and every time his promises to never drink again sounded sincere, but it would never last. There was always a next time.

My ex was always unemployed and i had to support him with everything... it financially drained me. I was always so worried that i was going to forever have to support a grown man. He could never keep a job for longer than 5 months.

Its a hard relationship to be in and by the sounds of it, he has been struggling with this for a very long time. At this point, you haven't invested too much, so even though its still not easy to walk away you really have to consider what kind of life you want for yourself in the future.

honeypig

Hi, Kittie--welcome to SR. There is a lot of experience, strength and hope here, and I hope you find help for yourself.

I'd suggest that you spend as much time as you can reading here. I'm sure a lot of the stories will ring true for you, and you'll start to see that your situation is not unique; you're not alone. Don't miss the stickies at the top of the page. Here is a particularly good thread from the stickies: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

I'd also suggest looking into Alanon. The combination of Alanon and SR has helped me change and grow so much, regardless of what the A in my life is doing.

As others have said, you are early in your relationship. Alcoholism is a progressive disease. If this is the best it ever gets, is that good enough for you?

Wishing you strength and clarity as you move forward.

Jupiters

May I ask why?
Nobody should ever have to "put up" with this behaviour.

Chantal88

Kittie -

First of all, there are many books on alcoholism that you may want to read. PM me if you want a list of them.

Only you can decide what you want to do. Being with someone with an addiction problem is definitely not easy, but it should be YOUR choice to make. He can get better if he gets the right help. I can tell you that, because I know several alcoholics who are in recovery and sober.

My ex-boyfriend was severely addicted when I was with him. It was so bad, I thought that any day I would get a phone call telling me that he had died. But I never gave up hope and neither did his family - and he's now sober, going to law school and doing very well for himself.

Does every story end with sobriety? Of course not. And even the cases that do go well often have bumps and hurdles along the way.

So it really is up to you. There is no gauruntee either way.

QueSera81

KittieKat - I just broke up with my boyfriend of a similar duration over his alcohol use. He was very angry and tightly wound when drinking alcohol (even if not at that moment or not yet that day). He would lash out and say some pretty terrible things. He stopped drinking for a short time and things were pleasant, but then went back to drinking and lashed out at me terribly. I made the decision to end the relationship and for a bit it was scary. He was upset, sad, depressed and had trouble accepting it, but has eventually done so and things are so peaceful and happy for me now. It sounds like your A hasn't even begun to acknowledge his alcoholism and that he has a long road ahead of him. I really think that if you are thinking of sticking around, it's worth reading around here to see what that will mean for your life with him if you choose to stay. Good luck no matter what you choose.

AnvilheadII

his kids say he's always been like this. imagine what that was like for THEM.

he decieved you at the start of your relationship by claiming that the alcohol trouble was long in the past.

he is and has been unemployed with no real signs of seeking gainful long term employment.

he spends every $$ he gets on yet another binge drunk.

you can SEE how dramatically he changes as soon as he drinks.

he has an abnormal reaction to alcohol, call it an allergy. once he starts, he can't stop. his drinking history LONG precedes you and is not likely to be fixed quickly. he has yet to put even a half-assed plan in place to make the effort to quit and stay quit.

he impulsively proposed to you only a few months into dating. and while you did decline, it's on your mind and how it could be if you HELPED him quit drinking.

his drinking is a problem......FOR YOU. it's the third point on the triangle....you, him and the booze. he's not likely to quit just because you want him to, nor is his journey to sobriety likely to begin any time soon.

you may want to rethink this whole thing. what you see is what you get. only it will get worse. he already takes his whatever out on you....that's no way to treat a potential life partner.

NerdlyBeauty

Aye yae yae. Do I know something about this. Girl...what every one has said is true. If he's not willing to see that he has a problem, and is unwilling to take initiative to confront his problem and deal with it...then I'm sorry to say it's only going to get worse. He is going to lie to you, hide his drinking from you, blame you and everyone else around him. And there is nothing you can do. I know how much that hurts to hear, and I know how much it sucks. Be grateful you're not married, and be grateful you don't have kids together. If I had known then what I know now about my AXBF, I would have high-tailed it out of there. But I didn't. When I got pregnant, people told me to stick it out...that he'd change when the baby came. Guess what? It didn't. It just got worse. He accused me of getting pregnant on purpose. He tried to convince me to have sex with other people in front of him and with him, even asking a pizza delivery guy at one point. We got into a fight once over that show Wife Swap because he accused me of being "Christian", even though I never mentioned religion to him at all. When my son was 6 months old, I was at work and my parents had our son. He was only working a half day that day, then went to go pick up our baby completely wasted. When my parents refused, he lashed out and told my father he was a failure. My parents proceeded to call social services. I could go on and on and on...

I wish I stuck to my guns in the beginning when I found out I was pregnant and told him he didn't have to be involved. I didn't WANT him to be involved. But I believed his lies that he would change. I went through 7 years of his verbal, emotional, and sexual abuse. It wasn't until I found this forum that I found the strength to end all contact, and I still have a hard time with that. So...speaking from experience...you may be better off without him.

LemonGirl

..."I don't see how I could have a future with him if this continues..."

I just left my abf for this very reason. Just a few weeks ago. I miss him terribly, but I happen to truly believe all of these veterans here when they say it is progressive and only gets worse. I found a few women who felt exactly like me... My abf, is so sweet and thoughtful and he isn't angry or abusive. So I couldn't/can't even relate to a lot of the horror I read on here. BUT, what he does do is have many black-outs, he lies, and his health suffers. NONE of that is conducive to the happy healthy marriage I had imagined we were heading for. You know... occasional drinking with plenty of sex, and hiking, and jogging, and the beach, and camping, and activities with the his daughter and my two daughters.... But wait... THAT is MY dream. My actions are working towards that... Are his? Not if the drinking continues... There is NO WAY we will obtain those things....

So, I got out now. I still talk to him. He claims he wants a sober life with me and our girls. I told him that's great, but in the mean-time, he should get real busy and selfish about his sobriety and I am going to get busy with all sorts of positive growth for me and my girls. I'm still flippin heartbroken! And it is really difficult NOT to reach out to him. But dayam... the ball really is in his court. My only job to have faith that if it is truly "meant to be", he'll come around, and I might still be here....

Fingers crossed... lightly.
Good luck!

ubntubnt

hi KittieKat....I am an alcoholic male who drank for 27 years and quit 9 weeks ago.

I think you need to focus on what you can do here, not on what he can or might do. The reason is that alcoholics will do what their addiction demands of them not what you would like. The alcohol has a far stronger persuasive voice in his head now than you do so you would be just wasting your breath.

I think you can do the following independently of him:

1) spend as much time as you can reading through this site. You will see your story repeated over and over and over again. Yours is a well trodden path
2) Attend alanon meetings and research alcoholism so that you can appreciate the enemy and realise exactly what you are dealing with. Most people understand remarkably little about this disease
3) Realise that inside his head now is an alcoholic fog that is not rational. He is literally not thinking or seeing straight which explains the roller coaster emotions. His niceness when sober is probably laid on thick to deflect from the drinking. You cannot win an argument against a fogged up alcoholic mind and you cannot make sense of it
4) Realise that he will not recover until he makes sobriety the number one priority in his life and if he does not then the problems he faces now will be tiny compared to what is coming down the road....this is because alcohol is a progressive disease.

I met my wife seven years ago. The entire time I met her I was an alcoholic. I proposed to her when I was drunk. I held and still hold a great job, I run charities. Inside I was a gibbering out of control mess...a car crash waiting to happen. Then bad things started to happen. I was run over when drunk, my best friend died from the drink and I got a DUI. This is what happens when alcoholism is left unchecked. My wife knew about all of these things. I hid most of my drinking from her and 10 weeks ago when I told her that I was an alcoholic and that my drinking was killing me her reaction was "no its not, you are not that bad". I was on my hands and knees in tears at that point. It was my rock bottom. Then she didn't want me to attend AA in case I saw people worse than me. During these years I drank most days and drank to blackout every single time I touched a drop.

This disease can be really insidious and sly, but I kid you not, its as destructive as any drug out there and right now it has your fiancé and its not giving him back until he hits his rock bottom. So if you do choose to stay with him expect rock bottom and expect it to drag you with him. Please protect yourself and then let him protect himself. As totally painful and ruthless as it sounds he needs to sort himself out.

KittieKat123

I wanted to thank everyone who replied to this and give you all an update.

So I posted on here when he was drinking, convinced myself to leave and as usual when he was sober he won me over again and swore he would try new things. Apparently he asked his "alcohol counsellor" to help him find proper 1-to-1 counselling and asked about medication but she told him to do more group meetings first so she knew he was serious about giving up. She never gives him a list or anything, just suggested one group and told him to ask them for more, and apparently they couldn't tell him of any either.
(I say apparently about all of this because I have lost all trust, I never know if he actually does anything or just tells me when he thinks I want to hear anymore!)

He then suggested giving me his bank card so he couldn't get any money to drink when he got paid. I wasn't keen on the idea but he wanted to try for a couple of months as it would "get him out of the habit" of getting alcohol as soon as he was paid.
but then after giving me the card he said "you know if I wanted to drink I could easily get money just by selling things, walking down to the bank and withdrawing that way or doing a favour for a mate. But giving you my card will help because it won't be so easy" so I wasn't hopeful it would work anyway. He seems to always have an excuse to drink and doesn't seem all that bothered about TRYING harder to avoid doing it.
Sure enough, first day he got paid = getting drunk! He owes money as he got a loan, was supposed to pay them £20, but ended up drinking it and telling them he had no money.

I hate the fact he lies to me and I have to walk all the way to his to prove I am right! He actually will be on the phone for an hour with me trying to convince me he hasn't had a drink until I turn up to a flat full of empty bottles. I am sick of putting him first when he doesn't deserve it. I'm even sick of him letting his kids down (not mine!) by telling them he'll see them, pick them up from their evening activities and then drinking instead making them walk home alone at night wondering why he never turned up.

I have decided that this time I need to stay strong and stay away. I can't do this any longer. He'd never been physically abusive to me before but today I picked up a bottle and he grabbed me so hard and threw me against the wall, told me he didn't love me, called me a bitch and ended up dragging me around his flat by my arm hitting my face into a wall and then physically throwing me out with his neighbours watching. He told me that he chooses alcohol over me... a choice he'll have to live with which he will regret when he sobers up but will continue to keep making anyway. I think deep down I always knew things wouldn't change and knew alcohol was more important to him than anything, but I loved him too much to admit it to myself.
I am helping him make his choice by taking myself out of the equation. He can't have me AND the drink, but he can't give the drink up so it's easier to give me up.
He even told me before he got paid that he was planning on taking me out for valentines day and treating me how he should have from the start... already all his money is gone and he won't get paid until after then now so that is ruined even if I did stay, after all the time and money I wasted with his gifts and booking a day away together!
I don't want him to ruin every occasion for me. He even ruined my birthday last year and Christmas.

I hate myself for being so weak and not leaving sooner, I should have left when I first realised he had a problem. But I am also thankful that it's only been 8 months. I really feel for those of you who have had to put up with this for longer and who can't leave for various reasons.

I just now need to make sure that I don't see him when he's sobered up, because I don't want to fall for it all again. It's so hard because I know when he is sober he is such a loving person.
He will do what he always does, send about 2 texts and give up. He never even fights to keep me in his life. He makes no effort!
I live my life hating him and being upset about what he's said to me, then I get happy for a couple of days hoping things are changing, then I wait for him to get paid and drink again - then I do it all again! It's no life. I have no happiness and have lost myself and my friends. Maybe the fact that I lost all my friends because of him has made me want to hold onto him more too.

I know what a lot of you will say about this helping him hit his rock bottom and helping him change but I know it won't. I already know his kids will never leave him - they say they are used to it and are prepared to put up with it as long as it takes. As long as he has them, I doubt he'll care if I'm there or not anymore. He says all the right things about how he never wants to lose me but his actions have never proved anything but the opposite.

Anyway, thank you all for your advice and time reading. (I know I ramble on a lot!)
I will continue to stay on this site for a bit reading other posts as I think it'll help me.

knowthetriggers

So before you go back to him read this sentence YOU wrote out loud.

I picked up a bottle and he grabbed me so hard and threw me against the wall, told me he didn't love me, called me a bitch and ended up dragging me around his flat by my arm hitting my face into a wall and then physically throwing me out with his neighbours watching. He told me that he chooses alcohol over me...

I am sorry you are hurting, but you are worth more than this abuse!

Stay strong and Take Care!!

KittieKat123

Thank you.
I actually told myself that if I thought about going back to him read my post to remember what happened. I always try to forget but this time I need to make sure I remember and realise that no one deserves to be treated like this and no one has a right to treat someone like that whether they are sober or drunk. Drinking is no excuse.

KittieKat123

I also need to remember that I know deep down he will never change.

One of the main reasons I've stuck around as long as I have (and I think many people would agree they do too) is because I keep thinking "what if"... what if he's capable of changing, if he changes he would be the person I love, we could have a future, we could be happy etc.
But I need to also think what if he never changes and I waste my life being miserable waiting for something that will never happen. I know he probably won't change, I don't think he's ready and I wonder if he ever will be. I just hope he doesn't get into a relationship with someone else and make them feel the way he has me.

LexieCat

I really couldn't care less about whether this "helps him hit his rock bottom"--I'm concerned for your safety. Did you call the police to report that he assaulted you? If not, you can still do that.

Please, for your own safety, turn loose of this guy.