What to do about my alcoholic boyfriend?
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Originally Posted by KittieKat123 
Firstly, I'd like to apologise for how long this is!
I am currently with a binge drinking alcoholic. We have been together for 7 months but have known him for a lot longer.
I knew before we got together that he "used to have problems with alcohol" but apparently it was only when he decided to drink Vodka, nothing else. And according to him this was years ago.
Just like all alcoholics seem to be - when he is sober he is the most loving, perfect person who I love deeply and want to spend the rest of my life with. I couldn't imagine being with anyone else. The only flaw is his drinking, and when he drinks he turns into a different person - not physically abusive but mentally.
He hid it well in the first 2 months or so of the relationship. We actually went out to pubs and drank beer together, as I didn't think this was an issue and didn't know the complete truth about him.
About 2 months into the relationship his son (who is 15) came around and saw a beer can on the floor and said something like "you said you didn't drink in the day because you know what will happen" and after that I said I was concerned that he seemed to be drinking every day, although not to the point where it was affecting anything. So he seemed to stop (hiding it well when he did drink by telling me he was at his dads or was feeling tired so couldn't see me)
Now, 7 months into the relationship, he is not working (wasn't when I met him!) and is on Job Seekers. Every time he gets paid (fortnightly) he drinks. He drinks fortnightly, for about 3-4 days. (he has had bad moments where its longer, but this is typically what happens)
When he drinks, he basically just sleeps. He isn't abusive or anything unless I wake him up - then he tells me he hates me, doesn't love me etc. and tells me to f off. Everything is fine if I just accept it and leave him, but that's not the point. I don't want a part-time boyfriend.
His kids say he has always been like this, so I'm not sure if that tells me he will never change.
A few months ago he actually proposed to me (I know, way too soon anyway!) and I actually ended up saying yes but the next day he was drunk so I took off the ring and told him we needed to wait until things were better between us. He actually had to get a loan for the ring which he is still occasionally paying back.
He has admitted he is an alcoholic. We tried going to AA but that didn't help and I know this wasn't the right thing for helping him. He now sees a "counsellor" although he only sees her fortnightly for about 15 mins but this doesn't do anything either. But this makes me think that at least he is trying? But when he drinks every time he gets paid until he runs out of money (its the only reason he stops!) it makes me think he's not even trying.
He doesn't seem to care how it affects anyone else.
Obviously afterwards he apologises etc. and he has said that he wants to change and honestly believes he will (and thinks it will be this year...)
He's told me that he's never tried to get help before me and that he wants to change now because he doesn't want to lose me. Yet he just keeps doing it! It is so frustrating.
Also, when he drinks he lies about it to me. Most of the time on the first day of drinking, when he has already been drinking, he arranges to meet me. Then when the time comes to meet up I can't get hold of him because he is passed out! This annoys me more because it just wastes my time and I hate all the lying and broken promises.
I just don't know what to do anymore.
I don't see how I could have a future with him if this continues as I wouldn't want to live with someone who when I come home from work is passed out in bed telling me to f off and smelling like alcohol. I definitely wouldn't marry him and have him wasting my money too. I don't want kids so thankfully that will never be an issue.
I think him proposing and me thinking about the future lately with him makes me want to stay and help him because I'd love that, but I also don't want to keep wasting my time on him if he is never going to get better.
Any ideas on what I should do - leave, stay?
Ideas on something that may help him to stop or at least go longer without a drink? (I wouldn't even mind putting up with it if it was once every couple of months, but weekly/fortnightly is just too often to handle!)
Anyone been in a similar situation?
Thank you for reading
I am currently with a binge drinking alcoholic. We have been together for 7 months but have known him for a lot longer.
I knew before we got together that he "used to have problems with alcohol" but apparently it was only when he decided to drink Vodka, nothing else. And according to him this was years ago.
Just like all alcoholics seem to be - when he is sober he is the most loving, perfect person who I love deeply and want to spend the rest of my life with. I couldn't imagine being with anyone else. The only flaw is his drinking, and when he drinks he turns into a different person - not physically abusive but mentally.
He hid it well in the first 2 months or so of the relationship. We actually went out to pubs and drank beer together, as I didn't think this was an issue and didn't know the complete truth about him.
About 2 months into the relationship his son (who is 15) came around and saw a beer can on the floor and said something like "you said you didn't drink in the day because you know what will happen" and after that I said I was concerned that he seemed to be drinking every day, although not to the point where it was affecting anything. So he seemed to stop (hiding it well when he did drink by telling me he was at his dads or was feeling tired so couldn't see me)
Now, 7 months into the relationship, he is not working (wasn't when I met him!) and is on Job Seekers. Every time he gets paid (fortnightly) he drinks. He drinks fortnightly, for about 3-4 days. (he has had bad moments where its longer, but this is typically what happens)
When he drinks, he basically just sleeps. He isn't abusive or anything unless I wake him up - then he tells me he hates me, doesn't love me etc. and tells me to f off. Everything is fine if I just accept it and leave him, but that's not the point. I don't want a part-time boyfriend.
His kids say he has always been like this, so I'm not sure if that tells me he will never change.
A few months ago he actually proposed to me (I know, way too soon anyway!) and I actually ended up saying yes but the next day he was drunk so I took off the ring and told him we needed to wait until things were better between us. He actually had to get a loan for the ring which he is still occasionally paying back.
He has admitted he is an alcoholic. We tried going to AA but that didn't help and I know this wasn't the right thing for helping him. He now sees a "counsellor" although he only sees her fortnightly for about 15 mins but this doesn't do anything either. But this makes me think that at least he is trying? But when he drinks every time he gets paid until he runs out of money (its the only reason he stops!) it makes me think he's not even trying.
He doesn't seem to care how it affects anyone else.
Obviously afterwards he apologises etc. and he has said that he wants to change and honestly believes he will (and thinks it will be this year...)
He's told me that he's never tried to get help before me and that he wants to change now because he doesn't want to lose me. Yet he just keeps doing it! It is so frustrating.
Also, when he drinks he lies about it to me. Most of the time on the first day of drinking, when he has already been drinking, he arranges to meet me. Then when the time comes to meet up I can't get hold of him because he is passed out! This annoys me more because it just wastes my time and I hate all the lying and broken promises.
I just don't know what to do anymore.
I don't see how I could have a future with him if this continues as I wouldn't want to live with someone who when I come home from work is passed out in bed telling me to f off and smelling like alcohol. I definitely wouldn't marry him and have him wasting my money too. I don't want kids so thankfully that will never be an issue.
I think him proposing and me thinking about the future lately with him makes me want to stay and help him because I'd love that, but I also don't want to keep wasting my time on him if he is never going to get better.
Any ideas on what I should do - leave, stay?
Ideas on something that may help him to stop or at least go longer without a drink? (I wouldn't even mind putting up with it if it was once every couple of months, but weekly/fortnightly is just too often to handle!)
Anyone been in a similar situation?
Thank you for reading
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 8
I'm not sure if I could report it to the police really... It's not like he hit me intentionally, it's his flat I went into, no proof so my word against his (I know neighbours wouldn't say anything from past experience) and he was drunk. I don't think the police would do much, apart from if I wait and see if I bruise which I have never done easily. One problem with my genetics! Takes a lot for me to bruise.
Otherwise I would go to the police, hoping it might make him see what drink does to him. Not for my sake anymore but for his young teenage kids and himself.
Otherwise I would go to the police, hoping it might make him see what drink does to him. Not for my sake anymore but for his young teenage kids and himself.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
You CAN report it to the police, which does not necessarily mean they will charge him with anything, but you (and they) will have a record of the incident. I'm a professional who has worked in the domestic violence field for years, and I am a big believer in the value of documenting incidents, regardless of whether criminal charges result. If, god forbid, there is another, more serious incident, there will be documented history.
It's up to you, but that's my reasoning.
It's up to you, but that's my reasoning.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 8
Ok, thank you for your advice.
I will try to find out more tomorrow.
I did wonder about it but didn't think much would happen, but I appreciate what you're saying and will see what happens. If it will at least make a difference for someone else who ends up with him I think it would be worth it so thank you
I will try to find out more tomorrow.
I did wonder about it but didn't think much would happen, but I appreciate what you're saying and will see what happens. If it will at least make a difference for someone else who ends up with him I think it would be worth it so thank you
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Oh, and one other thought--you can also request a protective order that would prohibit him from contacting you. You can ask the police about it, or if you don't want to contact the police, you can call the DV hotline or your local shelter and find out how to apply for one. He doesn't have to be charged with a crime for that--it's a civil order that requires him to leave you alone. If he violates it he CAN be charged criminally for the violation. Whether you want an order or not, it wouldn't hurt to call and speak to an advocate. They can hook you up with counseling, help you with safety planning, etc. It's all free, and it can be very helpful just to get some guidance on dealing with the abuse side of things (which is actually a separate issue from the alcoholism--most alcoholics aren't physically abusive and many abusers are not alcoholics).
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 8
Ok, I am now getting abuse from everyone relating to him because I decided I would go to the police for advice and thought (stupidly! because I'm too nice for my own good) to let his kids know so they didn't hear from someone else. Now it seems like everyone has got involved on the facebook message calling me a liar and saying how he's never hit anyone before etc. I feel so upset and small and like everyone is against me.
What would I even say to the police with no evidence? All I can do is explain what happened but with no proof and everyone against me.
Why is it that the alcoholic always wins no matter what and the person who gets abused is the one who loses and always gets further abuse from everyone? I don't know what to do anymore! I am in tears and feel like I just don't know what to do.
What would I even say to the police with no evidence? All I can do is explain what happened but with no proof and everyone against me.
Why is it that the alcoholic always wins no matter what and the person who gets abused is the one who loses and always gets further abuse from everyone? I don't know what to do anymore! I am in tears and feel like I just don't know what to do.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 865
Kittiekat....He abused YOU! Who cares what facebookers are saying. Take a stand and protect yourself. Your word against his...ok, but at least it is on record. Block the negative people on Facebook. What do they know anyway. You have witnesses....the neighbor's.
If I sound upset, I'm not....YOUR safety is important to me and I don't even know you.
Take a stand honey!
Tight hugs for you!!!
If I sound upset, I'm not....YOUR safety is important to me and I don't even know you.
Take a stand honey!
Tight hugs for you!!!
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Manchester_uk
Posts: 7
Personally I have sabotaged a few relationships with women in part because of my drinking.
Sadly if people won't recognise that they are flawed when they are drinking they will never be the person you want them to be. That is advice for the future.
One that I pray wont have a man who puts his hands on you whether he is drunk or not.
Alcoholism is a problem/illness not an excuse. Run a mile. You should also contact the police. Regardless of your feelings towards him and any issues he has if he is aggressive he should be culpable for his actions. If he has the audacity to take issue with this when he's sober then you'll have seen through a drink problem and answered your own question. Take care.
Sadly if people won't recognise that they are flawed when they are drinking they will never be the person you want them to be. That is advice for the future.
One that I pray wont have a man who puts his hands on you whether he is drunk or not.
Alcoholism is a problem/illness not an excuse. Run a mile. You should also contact the police. Regardless of your feelings towards him and any issues he has if he is aggressive he should be culpable for his actions. If he has the audacity to take issue with this when he's sober then you'll have seen through a drink problem and answered your own question. Take care.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Block his friends and family. They don't know him like you do. You have done nothing wrong. Hold your head up high and speak the truth. What you can "prove" is only relevant in terms of a court case. You don't have to prove anything to his family or friends. You KNOW what happened. Most abusers benefit greatly from the fact that they aren't beating up their partners in public, in front of witnesses. You don't have to let that stop you from telling the truth about what happened and taking whatever action you need to to keep yourself safe.
I wouldn't involve his kids in this any further. It won't help them, and it just gives his allies/supporters more ammunition.
I wouldn't involve his kids in this any further. It won't help them, and it just gives his allies/supporters more ammunition.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
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Thank you everyone. I really appreciate your comments.
I'm just finding it hard at the moment but the abuse from everyone (even though they aren't even involved!) is making me feel stronger in a way. I know if I have him in my life, I don't just have to deal with the alcoholism and abuse from him, I also have to deal with these people who are so quick to judge me without even knowing me.
I am going to find the courage to go down to the police station tomorrow, explain the situation and report it. I have also kept the abusive facebook messages.
I know now that the only way is forward and without him and I'm sure it can only be better than the road I've been following which is a dead end with him.
I'm just finding it hard at the moment but the abuse from everyone (even though they aren't even involved!) is making me feel stronger in a way. I know if I have him in my life, I don't just have to deal with the alcoholism and abuse from him, I also have to deal with these people who are so quick to judge me without even knowing me.
I am going to find the courage to go down to the police station tomorrow, explain the situation and report it. I have also kept the abusive facebook messages.
I know now that the only way is forward and without him and I'm sure it can only be better than the road I've been following which is a dead end with him.
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KittieKat...
Let's flip this around for a second.
If you had a younger sister, and she was in an identical situation as to what you describe in your initial post, what counsel would you give her?
Let's flip this around for a second.
If you had a younger sister, and she was in an identical situation as to what you describe in your initial post, what counsel would you give her?
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go, go, go run, run, run. save yourself.
Originally Posted by KittieKat123
Thank you everyone. I really appreciate your comments.
I'm just finding it hard at the moment but the abuse from everyone (even though they aren't even involved!) is making me feel stronger in a way. I know if I have him in my life, I don't just have to deal with the alcoholism and abuse from him, I also have to deal with these people who are so quick to judge me without even knowing me.
I am going to find the courage to go down to the police station tomorrow, explain the situation and report it. I have also kept the abusive facebook messages.
I know now that the only way is forward and without him and I'm sure it can only be better than the road I've been following which is a dead end with him.
I'm just finding it hard at the moment but the abuse from everyone (even though they aren't even involved!) is making me feel stronger in a way. I know if I have him in my life, I don't just have to deal with the alcoholism and abuse from him, I also have to deal with these people who are so quick to judge me without even knowing me.
I am going to find the courage to go down to the police station tomorrow, explain the situation and report it. I have also kept the abusive facebook messages.
I know now that the only way is forward and without him and I'm sure it can only be better than the road I've been following which is a dead end with him.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
He's counting on you staying quiet. That's how it works. Tell his friends and family to eff off and move on. YOU DESERVE BETTER. You are valuable and deserve to be loved by someone who won't abuse you!!!
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Join Date: Dec 2014
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KittieKat - I strongly encourage you to consider going no contact. It will make you hat much stronger. After you have some distance and time from the abuse you have endured, you will likely feel stronger in your decision. Hope you are doing ok.
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[QUOTE=KittieKat123;5179350One of the main reasons I've stuck around as long as I have (and I think many people would agree they do too) is because I keep thinking "what if"... what if he's capable of changing, if he changes he would be the person I love, we could have a future, we could be happy etc.
.[/QUOTE]
Unfortunately that is just part of our denial if we fall for the "what if's"...
Believe someone when they show you who they are. And only deal with what is happening right now. Who knows what the future holds, but right now, it isn't what you want.
.[/QUOTE]
Unfortunately that is just part of our denial if we fall for the "what if's"...
Believe someone when they show you who they are. And only deal with what is happening right now. Who knows what the future holds, but right now, it isn't what you want.
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