What to do about my alcoholic boyfriend?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Clarkston Washington
Posts: 1
Hi there
My life is pretty private but I thought I would come on here and post so you know you're not alone.
If you look at the many post online, regarding alcoholic boyfriends and girlfriends, it's the same story. The loving person gets used and left with the broken pieces and the other moves on in the matter of days.
I've been reading these forums because I too left my alcoholic ex, of 3 years, this past Monday. It hurts. I cry and lose sleep too. He has texted and called attempting to manipulate me back into a position he can continue to use me but, I've decided to block any access he has in contacting me. I can't stand it any longer.
People that have alcohol problems are hurting, really bad inside. That makes the one loving them feel sorry and want to help them be happy. Truth is, you cant. You can never make them happy. Your only option is to stay available for them to use and hurt. Alcoholics are very loving, sweet and funny when they are sober, it's true. I never met an alcoholic that was a bad person. Unfortunately, the pain and alcohol blinds them from happiness. Only they can change this and until they do, they will make anyone around miserable and feeling uncared for.
My ex, flirted with girls CONSTANTLY online, when he was drunk. Probably worse behind my back that I thankfully don't know about. He even talked bad about me to one of the women in attempt to get her sympathy and care. After his attempt to blame me for it because I got mad about him on another weekly binge, he saw I wasn't having it, he then revolted to he was drunk and didn't relies what he was doing. Now I was to feel sorry for him, again. Understand for him again because poor soul, he was drunk again. This was not the only thing that happened, many other things happened from abuse, to holding a knife to my throat, to punching walls to mean things being said to me when he was drunk, even as far to attempt to rape me. He felt bad for it the next day and I was to understand and forgive this too because he was drunk, I did.
Long story short. He was using me to continue his alcoholism and taking his hate out on me. He never loved me, he never cared by acts of what I mentioned above, numerous holidays and birthdays he chose to be drunk instead of be with me during. I've heard he loved me so much, he never had a girlfriend like me, he wanted to marry me and me to move in with him, he adored me, he cared, I'm everything to him and the only thing that makes him happy... I've heard it all.
He doesn't work, has 4 children from 3 different mothers, who wont let their kids be around him. He blames them for being crazy women. He lives with his enabling mother who financially supports him, she provides his alcohol when he is too drunk to drive. I did help him get enroll in counseling and doctors. He has been going.
Two weeks ago, he told me he needs time to figure out his head and how he was going to get sober because he didn't want to hurt me anymore and wanted to be a good man for me. Told me to give him two weeks to do this. Fine, I gave him this time as I felt it was important for him, regardless of me. Three days go by, I find out he was dangling me on a string, talking to another woman, seeing it would work out with her first before he completely left me. This is how much me being available, cleaning his house, forgiving all the hurtful things he did, loving him loyally and honestly, forgiving him weekly, taking care of his mom and him when they asked gave me. To be thrown away like I was nothing.
I learned, the love I showed meant absolutely nothing. I could be anyone and the truth is... anyone that loves an alcoholic can be anyone and you are replaceable at a moments notice. Don't waste one minute of your life on someone that can't love you the same back.
Now that I left, I have received numerous text and calls begging for me to still nurture and sympathize him. Begging me to stay friends with him because everyone leaves him and he doesn't trust anyone but he trust me. Poor him he is just so damaged and he's sorry he hurt me. This was some of the text...
"I feel like a looser and like im failing im afraid I will lose everything ive cared about. im freakin out.
Will we ever be friends again? I hate this feeling.
I didn't do anything wrong. I never meant to hurt you. I don't know how I did. if I did, I'm sorry.
im not hurting anyone. I just feel sad and alone im missing you. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to deal with all of this.
I know you care and I do too and all of this will pass but please know I love you are an amazing woman someday I hope I can show you better. I know it wont happen over night but I know that I will always have a huge place in my heart 4 you I just need to get better, im sorry. ttyl"
The reason I put his text up here is to show you how he contradicted himself in the beginning to the end. Its all manipulation to get my sympathy. He didn't even care to acknowledge him hanging out with another woman while making me wait for him, to see if he wanted her before he left me, was hurtful. "I didn't do anything wrong" This is the mentality and I hope whoever is with an alcoholic runs for dear life. They will hurt you and not even care to acknowledge they did. If you try to tell them how they did, your told to "stop" or "i dont want to talk about this right now." You will find your feelings are not important, just theirs. You are worth happiness. You can not save him. Leave forever. There are wonderful men, people, in the world. Don't waste your heart and feelings on an alcoholic.
No one has any control over someone else's choices, will or emotions. No amount of sacrifice will change their mind. No amount of love will change them. Understand you are not God and you can not save them. Leave him to God and let him do his job. Pray for them. Most importantly, you do not have to have them in your life!
Run away before its too late and you are spending years repairing your shattered heart.
If you look at the many post online, regarding alcoholic boyfriends and girlfriends, it's the same story. The loving person gets used and left with the broken pieces and the other moves on in the matter of days.
I've been reading these forums because I too left my alcoholic ex, of 3 years, this past Monday. It hurts. I cry and lose sleep too. He has texted and called attempting to manipulate me back into a position he can continue to use me but, I've decided to block any access he has in contacting me. I can't stand it any longer.
People that have alcohol problems are hurting, really bad inside. That makes the one loving them feel sorry and want to help them be happy. Truth is, you cant. You can never make them happy. Your only option is to stay available for them to use and hurt. Alcoholics are very loving, sweet and funny when they are sober, it's true. I never met an alcoholic that was a bad person. Unfortunately, the pain and alcohol blinds them from happiness. Only they can change this and until they do, they will make anyone around miserable and feeling uncared for.
My ex, flirted with girls CONSTANTLY online, when he was drunk. Probably worse behind my back that I thankfully don't know about. He even talked bad about me to one of the women in attempt to get her sympathy and care. After his attempt to blame me for it because I got mad about him on another weekly binge, he saw I wasn't having it, he then revolted to he was drunk and didn't relies what he was doing. Now I was to feel sorry for him, again. Understand for him again because poor soul, he was drunk again. This was not the only thing that happened, many other things happened from abuse, to holding a knife to my throat, to punching walls to mean things being said to me when he was drunk, even as far to attempt to rape me. He felt bad for it the next day and I was to understand and forgive this too because he was drunk, I did.
Long story short. He was using me to continue his alcoholism and taking his hate out on me. He never loved me, he never cared by acts of what I mentioned above, numerous holidays and birthdays he chose to be drunk instead of be with me during. I've heard he loved me so much, he never had a girlfriend like me, he wanted to marry me and me to move in with him, he adored me, he cared, I'm everything to him and the only thing that makes him happy... I've heard it all.
He doesn't work, has 4 children from 3 different mothers, who wont let their kids be around him. He blames them for being crazy women. He lives with his enabling mother who financially supports him, she provides his alcohol when he is too drunk to drive. I did help him get enroll in counseling and doctors. He has been going.
Two weeks ago, he told me he needs time to figure out his head and how he was going to get sober because he didn't want to hurt me anymore and wanted to be a good man for me. Told me to give him two weeks to do this. Fine, I gave him this time as I felt it was important for him, regardless of me. Three days go by, I find out he was dangling me on a string, talking to another woman, seeing it would work out with her first before he completely left me. This is how much me being available, cleaning his house, forgiving all the hurtful things he did, loving him loyally and honestly, forgiving him weekly, taking care of his mom and him when they asked gave me. To be thrown away like I was nothing.
I learned, the love I showed meant absolutely nothing. I could be anyone and the truth is... anyone that loves an alcoholic can be anyone and you are replaceable at a moments notice. Don't waste one minute of your life on someone that can't love you the same back.
Now that I left, I have received numerous text and calls begging for me to still nurture and sympathize him. Begging me to stay friends with him because everyone leaves him and he doesn't trust anyone but he trust me. Poor him he is just so damaged and he's sorry he hurt me. This was some of the text...
"I feel like a looser and like im failing im afraid I will lose everything ive cared about. im freakin out.
Will we ever be friends again? I hate this feeling.
I didn't do anything wrong. I never meant to hurt you. I don't know how I did. if I did, I'm sorry.
im not hurting anyone. I just feel sad and alone im missing you. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to deal with all of this.
I know you care and I do too and all of this will pass but please know I love you are an amazing woman someday I hope I can show you better. I know it wont happen over night but I know that I will always have a huge place in my heart 4 you I just need to get better, im sorry. ttyl"
The reason I put his text up here is to show you how he contradicted himself in the beginning to the end. Its all manipulation to get my sympathy. He didn't even care to acknowledge him hanging out with another woman while making me wait for him, to see if he wanted her before he left me, was hurtful. "I didn't do anything wrong" This is the mentality and I hope whoever is with an alcoholic runs for dear life. They will hurt you and not even care to acknowledge they did. If you try to tell them how they did, your told to "stop" or "i dont want to talk about this right now." You will find your feelings are not important, just theirs. You are worth happiness. You can not save him. Leave forever. There are wonderful men, people, in the world. Don't waste your heart and feelings on an alcoholic.
No one has any control over someone else's choices, will or emotions. No amount of sacrifice will change their mind. No amount of love will change them. Understand you are not God and you can not save them. Leave him to God and let him do his job. Pray for them. Most importantly, you do not have to have them in your life!
Run away before its too late and you are spending years repairing your shattered heart.
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
You've only known him for seven months.
Is this worth all this aggravation?
Is this worth all this aggravation?
Originally Posted by KittieKat123 
Firstly, I'd like to apologise for how long this is!
I am currently with a binge drinking alcoholic. We have been together for 7 months but have known him for a lot longer.
I knew before we got together that he "used to have problems with alcohol" but apparently it was only when he decided to drink Vodka, nothing else. And according to him this was years ago.
Just like all alcoholics seem to be - when he is sober he is the most loving, perfect person who I love deeply and want to spend the rest of my life with. I couldn't imagine being with anyone else. The only flaw is his drinking, and when he drinks he turns into a different person - not physically abusive but mentally.
He hid it well in the first 2 months or so of the relationship. We actually went out to pubs and drank beer together, as I didn't think this was an issue and didn't know the complete truth about him.
About 2 months into the relationship his son (who is 15) came around and saw a beer can on the floor and said something like "you said you didn't drink in the day because you know what will happen" and after that I said I was concerned that he seemed to be drinking every day, although not to the point where it was affecting anything. So he seemed to stop (hiding it well when he did drink by telling me he was at his dads or was feeling tired so couldn't see me)
Now, 7 months into the relationship, he is not working (wasn't when I met him!) and is on Job Seekers. Every time he gets paid (fortnightly) he drinks. He drinks fortnightly, for about 3-4 days. (he has had bad moments where its longer, but this is typically what happens)
When he drinks, he basically just sleeps. He isn't abusive or anything unless I wake him up - then he tells me he hates me, doesn't love me etc. and tells me to f off. Everything is fine if I just accept it and leave him, but that's not the point. I don't want a part-time boyfriend.
His kids say he has always been like this, so I'm not sure if that tells me he will never change.
A few months ago he actually proposed to me (I know, way too soon anyway!) and I actually ended up saying yes but the next day he was drunk so I took off the ring and told him we needed to wait until things were better between us. He actually had to get a loan for the ring which he is still occasionally paying back.
He has admitted he is an alcoholic. We tried going to AA but that didn't help and I know this wasn't the right thing for helping him. He now sees a "counsellor" although he only sees her fortnightly for about 15 mins but this doesn't do anything either. But this makes me think that at least he is trying? But when he drinks every time he gets paid until he runs out of money (its the only reason he stops!) it makes me think he's not even trying.
He doesn't seem to care how it affects anyone else.
Obviously afterwards he apologises etc. and he has said that he wants to change and honestly believes he will (and thinks it will be this year...)
He's told me that he's never tried to get help before me and that he wants to change now because he doesn't want to lose me. Yet he just keeps doing it! It is so frustrating.
Also, when he drinks he lies about it to me. Most of the time on the first day of drinking, when he has already been drinking, he arranges to meet me. Then when the time comes to meet up I can't get hold of him because he is passed out! This annoys me more because it just wastes my time and I hate all the lying and broken promises.
I just don't know what to do anymore.
I don't see how I could have a future with him if this continues as I wouldn't want to live with someone who when I come home from work is passed out in bed telling me to f off and smelling like alcohol. I definitely wouldn't marry him and have him wasting my money too. I don't want kids so thankfully that will never be an issue.
I think him proposing and me thinking about the future lately with him makes me want to stay and help him because I'd love that, but I also don't want to keep wasting my time on him if he is never going to get better.
Any ideas on what I should do - leave, stay?
Ideas on something that may help him to stop or at least go longer without a drink? (I wouldn't even mind putting up with it if it was once every couple of months, but weekly/fortnightly is just too often to handle!)
Anyone been in a similar situation?
Thank you for reading
I am currently with a binge drinking alcoholic. We have been together for 7 months but have known him for a lot longer.
I knew before we got together that he "used to have problems with alcohol" but apparently it was only when he decided to drink Vodka, nothing else. And according to him this was years ago.
Just like all alcoholics seem to be - when he is sober he is the most loving, perfect person who I love deeply and want to spend the rest of my life with. I couldn't imagine being with anyone else. The only flaw is his drinking, and when he drinks he turns into a different person - not physically abusive but mentally.
He hid it well in the first 2 months or so of the relationship. We actually went out to pubs and drank beer together, as I didn't think this was an issue and didn't know the complete truth about him.
About 2 months into the relationship his son (who is 15) came around and saw a beer can on the floor and said something like "you said you didn't drink in the day because you know what will happen" and after that I said I was concerned that he seemed to be drinking every day, although not to the point where it was affecting anything. So he seemed to stop (hiding it well when he did drink by telling me he was at his dads or was feeling tired so couldn't see me)
Now, 7 months into the relationship, he is not working (wasn't when I met him!) and is on Job Seekers. Every time he gets paid (fortnightly) he drinks. He drinks fortnightly, for about 3-4 days. (he has had bad moments where its longer, but this is typically what happens)
When he drinks, he basically just sleeps. He isn't abusive or anything unless I wake him up - then he tells me he hates me, doesn't love me etc. and tells me to f off. Everything is fine if I just accept it and leave him, but that's not the point. I don't want a part-time boyfriend.
His kids say he has always been like this, so I'm not sure if that tells me he will never change.
A few months ago he actually proposed to me (I know, way too soon anyway!) and I actually ended up saying yes but the next day he was drunk so I took off the ring and told him we needed to wait until things were better between us. He actually had to get a loan for the ring which he is still occasionally paying back.
He has admitted he is an alcoholic. We tried going to AA but that didn't help and I know this wasn't the right thing for helping him. He now sees a "counsellor" although he only sees her fortnightly for about 15 mins but this doesn't do anything either. But this makes me think that at least he is trying? But when he drinks every time he gets paid until he runs out of money (its the only reason he stops!) it makes me think he's not even trying.
He doesn't seem to care how it affects anyone else.
Obviously afterwards he apologises etc. and he has said that he wants to change and honestly believes he will (and thinks it will be this year...)
He's told me that he's never tried to get help before me and that he wants to change now because he doesn't want to lose me. Yet he just keeps doing it! It is so frustrating.
Also, when he drinks he lies about it to me. Most of the time on the first day of drinking, when he has already been drinking, he arranges to meet me. Then when the time comes to meet up I can't get hold of him because he is passed out! This annoys me more because it just wastes my time and I hate all the lying and broken promises.
I just don't know what to do anymore.
I don't see how I could have a future with him if this continues as I wouldn't want to live with someone who when I come home from work is passed out in bed telling me to f off and smelling like alcohol. I definitely wouldn't marry him and have him wasting my money too. I don't want kids so thankfully that will never be an issue.
I think him proposing and me thinking about the future lately with him makes me want to stay and help him because I'd love that, but I also don't want to keep wasting my time on him if he is never going to get better.
Any ideas on what I should do - leave, stay?
Ideas on something that may help him to stop or at least go longer without a drink? (I wouldn't even mind putting up with it if it was once every couple of months, but weekly/fortnightly is just too often to handle!)
Anyone been in a similar situation?
Thank you for reading
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