Functional Addiction
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Posts: 135
Originally Posted by FlippedRHalo 
Because Jodie, you were a threat to his addiction. What I've had to realize is that, as much as I hate it and never thought it would happen in my relationship, their addiction will always, always, always come before us.
.
Bingo! My xabf once told me that when he's in one of his binges that nothing matters to him... not his job, not even his daughters!
When we start becoming a hinderance to their drinking they cut ties becasue the drink will always be more important. Stop thinking it wasn't that bad.. it was!! It was affecting your relationship with him.. you were not happy! Its hard for you to see now, but once you have gone through the painful grieving process you will be thinking more clearly.
Baby Steps
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
I am sorry you are going through this pain (((((hugs))))))
I was with my ex for 18 years and for the majority actually all of that time he was an active A, I always called him functioning as he had a job, never had a dwi, although drove while drunk lots, he left me many times throughout our marriage always when his ability to drink was threatened. He would tell me "I'm not doing anything wrong" and I always felt it must be my fault I'm over reacting making it more of a bigger deal than it is, it's my anxiety, insecurity, my depression that is making me over react. I always begged him to come home and made compromises, it was my fault after all!! The promises and lies are all part of the addiction cycle but they can never follow through
He left again 10 months ago when I told him he has to get help and he knew I was serious this time and knew the relationship wouldn't survive this time, I fell apart, blaming myself, I wasn't good enough, I made more of an issue than it is and yes I begged him to come home but never relented in you have to get help and get sober, we are now getting divorced. I have accepted that his addiction is more powerful than any love he had for me or our future dreams. He admitted to me once that he left so many times to protect his drinking. I have also accepted it was his drinking and the impact on our relationship that caused my anxiety and depression.
Functioning is just a term which I don't use anymore, they may hold down a job, not caught driving while drunk but they can't maintain healthy relationships and if you try to come between them and their addiction we lose. Their alcoholic voice is more powerful and they believe they can't live without their addiction, it makes everything feel better their alcoholic voice tells them they're doing nothing wrong, it's no big deal. I don't feel that is functioning, they maintain their jobs as this is their source of income to feed their addiction.
This is not your fault you have done nothing wrong and him leaving is not a reflection on you but on where they are in their addiction. This relationship hurt you deeply, like many A he was never able to accept how his drinking made you feel and the impact on your relationship it was all about his ability to drink and anyone who tries to interfere will be pushed aside.
Since my ex left he drinks almost every night has no relationship with our kids preferring to drink but it's their fault as they are so busy and want nothing to do with him, they don't make time for him blah blah. he doesn't recognise that they know he chose drink over them and they know this , they're 16 and 20. He has been suspended from work due to threatening staff, but that's my fault as we had discussed divorce the night before.
Until he chooses to seek help and be genuinely in acknowledging he needs help he will not change. Focus on you, think about the reality of your relationship, we tend to romantise when we split it took me a long time to stop and focus on the reality. Be kind to yourself.
I was with my ex for 18 years and for the majority actually all of that time he was an active A, I always called him functioning as he had a job, never had a dwi, although drove while drunk lots, he left me many times throughout our marriage always when his ability to drink was threatened. He would tell me "I'm not doing anything wrong" and I always felt it must be my fault I'm over reacting making it more of a bigger deal than it is, it's my anxiety, insecurity, my depression that is making me over react. I always begged him to come home and made compromises, it was my fault after all!! The promises and lies are all part of the addiction cycle but they can never follow through
He left again 10 months ago when I told him he has to get help and he knew I was serious this time and knew the relationship wouldn't survive this time, I fell apart, blaming myself, I wasn't good enough, I made more of an issue than it is and yes I begged him to come home but never relented in you have to get help and get sober, we are now getting divorced. I have accepted that his addiction is more powerful than any love he had for me or our future dreams. He admitted to me once that he left so many times to protect his drinking. I have also accepted it was his drinking and the impact on our relationship that caused my anxiety and depression.
Functioning is just a term which I don't use anymore, they may hold down a job, not caught driving while drunk but they can't maintain healthy relationships and if you try to come between them and their addiction we lose. Their alcoholic voice is more powerful and they believe they can't live without their addiction, it makes everything feel better their alcoholic voice tells them they're doing nothing wrong, it's no big deal. I don't feel that is functioning, they maintain their jobs as this is their source of income to feed their addiction.
This is not your fault you have done nothing wrong and him leaving is not a reflection on you but on where they are in their addiction. This relationship hurt you deeply, like many A he was never able to accept how his drinking made you feel and the impact on your relationship it was all about his ability to drink and anyone who tries to interfere will be pushed aside.
Since my ex left he drinks almost every night has no relationship with our kids preferring to drink but it's their fault as they are so busy and want nothing to do with him, they don't make time for him blah blah. he doesn't recognise that they know he chose drink over them and they know this , they're 16 and 20. He has been suspended from work due to threatening staff, but that's my fault as we had discussed divorce the night before.
Until he chooses to seek help and be genuinely in acknowledging he needs help he will not change. Focus on you, think about the reality of your relationship, we tend to romantise when we split it took me a long time to stop and focus on the reality. Be kind to yourself.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Originally Posted by Jodie77
However, the part that I am struggling with the most is that he left ME. I didn't break things off with him.
And you will thank God Almighty he didn't drag you along for the ride.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Baltimore, MD
Posts: 348
You all are right. Yes it WAS that bad!! The names he would call me: dirtball, famewhore, lazy, boring, drag queen, broke b*tch (meanwhile I have a career), sent me pictures of myself that he photoshopped to distort me. He said he did that to push my buttons.
Then he would call 30 times in a row and say "if you don't answer, I swear on my kids' lives, it's over." He would show up at my house banging on my door, pacing the floors, begging for me to give him another chance. And so I did. Over and over and over again. Until he finally dumped me.
One minute he'd be so weak, crying, begging pleading: "You are the love of my life. I am going to spend the rest of my life with you." The next day he left me. It's been a week and I haven't heard a word.
Then he would call 30 times in a row and say "if you don't answer, I swear on my kids' lives, it's over." He would show up at my house banging on my door, pacing the floors, begging for me to give him another chance. And so I did. Over and over and over again. Until he finally dumped me.
One minute he'd be so weak, crying, begging pleading: "You are the love of my life. I am going to spend the rest of my life with you." The next day he left me. It's been a week and I haven't heard a word.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,434
Originally Posted by Jodie77
You all are right. Yes it WAS that bad!! The names he would call me: dirtball, famewhore, lazy, boring, drag queen, broke b*tch (meanwhile I have a career), sent me pictures of myself that he photoshopped to distort me. He said he did that to push my buttons.
Then he would call 30 times in a row and say "if you don't answer, I swear on my kids' lives, it's over." He would show up at my house banging on my door, pacing the floors, begging for me to give him another chance. And so I did. Over and over and over again. Until he finally dumped me.
One minute he'd be so weak, crying, begging pleading: "You are the love of my life. I am going to spend the rest of my life with you." The next day he left me. It's been a week and I haven't heard a word.
Then he would call 30 times in a row and say "if you don't answer, I swear on my kids' lives, it's over." He would show up at my house banging on my door, pacing the floors, begging for me to give him another chance. And so I did. Over and over and over again. Until he finally dumped me.
One minute he'd be so weak, crying, begging pleading: "You are the love of my life. I am going to spend the rest of my life with you." The next day he left me. It's been a week and I haven't heard a word.
This guy is a certifiable crazy sadist, and not just a drunk.
That's not "functional" in relationship terms in the slightest.
Some more time to clear the air, and you'll see this also.
It's so hard when you're in it and that kind of treatment "normalizes".
Hugs Jodie
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Originally Posted by Jodie77
You all are right. Yes it WAS that bad!! The names he would call me: dirtball, famewhore, lazy, boring, drag queen, broke b*tch (meanwhile I have a career), sent me pictures of myself that he photoshopped to distort me. He said he did that to push my buttons.
Then he would call 30 times in a row and say "if you don't answer, I swear on my kids' lives, it's over." He would show up at my house banging on my door, pacing the floors, begging for me to give him another chance. And so I did. Over and over and over again. Until he finally dumped me.
One minute he'd be so weak, crying, begging pleading: "You are the love of my life. I am going to spend the rest of my life with you." The next day he left me. It's been a week and I haven't heard a word.
Then he would call 30 times in a row and say "if you don't answer, I swear on my kids' lives, it's over." He would show up at my house banging on my door, pacing the floors, begging for me to give him another chance. And so I did. Over and over and over again. Until he finally dumped me.
One minute he'd be so weak, crying, begging pleading: "You are the love of my life. I am going to spend the rest of my life with you." The next day he left me. It's been a week and I haven't heard a word.
Good grief I am glad you are out of it.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Baltimore, MD
Posts: 348
Thanks Hawk,
He was so cruel, spiteful and vindictive. I had a flight to Cali one morning and he wanted to come over drunk and keep me up all night before my flight. I told him he couldn't come over so he started texting me saying he hopes my plane crashes.
He was so cruel, spiteful and vindictive. I had a flight to Cali one morning and he wanted to come over drunk and keep me up all night before my flight. I told him he couldn't come over so he started texting me saying he hopes my plane crashes.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Baltimore, MD
Posts: 348
Red,
It's funny you mention that because my gf who is an addictions therapist (she never treated him due to HIPAA bc she is my best friend) told me she highly suspects Borderline Personality Disorder as well.
It's funny you mention that because my gf who is an addictions therapist (she never treated him due to HIPAA bc she is my best friend) told me she highly suspects Borderline Personality Disorder as well.
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