Stung

I ran across some financial stuff today that shows that my husband has lied to me. Again. Not about anything really major, but it's another lie.

Man, it gets me angry. I know I feel angry because it hurts and anger is my knee jerk reaction (I don't do vulnerable very well). We have been communicating really well, he has been MORE honest and then I find something or he tells me an exaggeration and I swear my eye starts twitching almost instantly.

So I found this thing that might have well just said "MR. STRUNG LIED AGAIN" in big bold letters and I almost instantly started drama with him, even though I KNEW I should stop and call my sponsor instead. Whatever I could have done I chose to do something destructive instead. Stupid.

I'm ashamed of myself. Further, I said a lot of mean stuff because I was hurting. Worse, he didn't stop me, he didn't stop himself. We just were on the phone hurting the **** out of each other and letting all of our insecurities loose on one another and now I feel like crap. I ended it saying that I was praying (as much as I can pray) for both of us because while I was acting inappropriately he wouldn't stop egging it on.

Now I'm asking myself what I can do. I can't change that I acted like a crazy angry jerk. I can't take back what I said. I can't take back the stuff he said in reaction to me. Maybe venting (confessing/owning up) about it here will make it feel slightly better. I want to be treated with dignity and respect and yet I'm not really behaving in a way that is entirely deserving of that. It's frustrating.

My sponsor told me a week or two ago that I may have to just accept that I'm married to a man that I don't (and maybe cannot ever) trust and it made me cringe. Maybe I do have to accept that, as awful as it sounds. How exactly is it that people can find happiness and serenity even when the alcoholic is lying to them about meaningless crap? He's not lying to me because of anything I've done, I know the lying is about him but I'm struggling to detach from it. Detaching from drinking is easier than detaching from lying, for me.

And I hate complaining because things are getting better but damn, the lying triggers me something fierce.

Thanks for being here!

aboutdone

Mine literally lied about EVERYTHING. In the last 6 months every utility has been shut off after he claimed he paid, or made arrangements or was going to pay. I told him to leave Sunday. On Tuesday I look outside just in time to see our can repo'ed. Yay! I fimd it incredibly hard not to be angry. Sure it comes from hurt, but can't anything in my life with him have any value??? Anyways, I'm sorry you have to go through this because I know how much it hurts and feels inside. :/

lizatola

Not much to say except that it was the lies that really did our marriage in, more than anything else.

I'm sure others will have more to say. All I know is that alcoholics lie, even when they're sober. Trust is vital to me in a relationship. I really struggled with it for a very long time, knowing that I probably would never trust him again. I just couldn't be with someone I don't trust. It sucks.

knowthetriggers

I react the same way when I find out my AH lies to me as trivial as it may be a lie is a lie in my book. I usually have to take a minute to myself to pull it together. I have also been told to accept the fact that I am married to someone I may never trust. I wish I had better advice for you but thanks for sharing because I can totally relate!

Stung

Yes. It's like his word is completely worthless and devoid of any value. Maybe we should just communicate with gestures or with our eyes from now on. Words are entirely useless.

I guess this is what relapse feels like. I know better and I behaved in a completely jackass way and now I feel worse than I did to begin with. I have guilt and regret and I'm still angry. I apologized to him (via text, and I know he read it) but I still feel bad. I didn't need to be mean or hurtful and I was anyway. Hurt people hurt and I was the stupid hurt one that started it this time.

LemonGirl

I guess we either accept it or we act on what is bothering us and change it. We can't change anyone but ourselves though, right?

knowthetriggers

I can be quite the jackass myself. You recognized the slip and know what you need to do.

****{Big hugs}}}

Stung

I think I'm trying to figure out how acceptable the lying is to me. I have "normie" friends whose husband's stay up to the very late hours playing video games and I'm thankful that I don't deal with that although my other friends find it acceptable. I have other friends whose husbands refuse to do certain things with their kids and my husband is pretty hands on (when he's here) so I'm thankful that I also don't have to deal with that although my other friends find it acceptable.

I'm not sure where the trustworthy thing is on my personal scale of acceptance. I think it also depends on what he's lying about, it's usually minor stupid stuff. Lately he's been telling me when he hasn't been honest and I still get upset but catching him myself makes me red hot angry (see: extremely hurts my feelings).

Fandy

How does this lie that you discovered affect your life? is it big stuff or dumb stuff.

will it impact your lifestyle? You have to pick your battles...and be prepared for the worst....because it's there. being calm and having a plan is in order. Do not expect him to be truthful, don't let your guard down.

his *word* is worthless, if you remember that you can survive better without getting more upset....I am sorry for your troubles, but forewarned is forearmed.

Stung

It doesn't effect my life at all. It's more of a lie of omission thing, with this particular instance. It's not something that impacts us financially. I definitely didn't think this one through before flying off the handle. I do need to revist my expectations too. Aside from the lying stuff, which granted isn't even a daily presence in our relationship, things have been going really well. He even said so today after I started attacking him.

redatlanta

Fandy is right you gotta pick and choose your battles.

Everybody lies. Everybody. Outright, by exaggeration, by omission. RAH exaggerates all the f*cking time. I am one to lie by omission usually. I don't tell him everything I do, I'm not doing anything wrong, I just don't feel like accounting to ANYONE every single thing I do.

Whatever…we all know the lies that count.

Stung

Argh. He called me on the way to his meeting and apologized for lying and for reacting to my freak out and being mean to me. Then he tried to excuse my behavior because he thinks the lying started it all. Yes, he should have told me about this thing when it happened but I was so mean to him, there is no excuse for my behavior. The 'turning the other cheek' saying totally applies here. Just because he did something stupid doesn't give me license to behave equally stupid. This is how this stuff gets out of hand to begin with.

Katiekate

Until his lies don't trigger you anymore there is more work to do.

ONe sure way my ex always got my power was by twisting the truth , when I lost my stuff it was game on.

Yeah, I know, feels like a lot of responsibility, I truly do control what comes into my day and screws up my serenity.

maia1234

I asked the A forum about lying a while back... this is one of the comments.

When I was drinking, I didn't lie or cheat or hide it, and I don't remember feeling guilty about anything because in my eyes I was never doing anything harmful. When I got sober, and I realized the damage I had done, I about choked on the shame.

CodeJob

All in all Stung, I see a lot of growth and owning up to this argument on your side and his. Holidays are over. You were pretty sick. He stepped up. You are both working recovery.

Maybe you both just needed to blow off steam. You pick your favorite trigger. He reacts, and you are off to the races.

dandylion

Stung...I wonder if he lies about things because he is afraid of your anger...or your disappointment in him?
It is good that it is not about "Big" stuff and doesn't affect your life.

dandylion

Stung

No. His lying is not about me or because of me. None of his screwed up behaviors are about or because of me. Lying and addiction go hand in hand and I didn't cause either, I cannot control or cure either. I can choose to live with it or not. Likewise, none of my own personal screwed up behaviors are because or about him. I choose to stay with a man who I can't trust. Is it because of his previous emotional and verbal abuse that I won't leave? No. My stuff is because of me. His stuff is because of him. We cannot control one another.

His lying is about him. Period. My reactions are not powerful enough to make him do anything. Likewise, his drinking and lying isn't powerful enough to make me react in a dysfunctional way, that's all me. I need to figure out how to better detach from the lying. That's all about me. He needs to learn how to not lie. That's about him. He lied about a $10,000 purchase. It's omission but it's not like he purchased a candy bar at the store or a new pair of basketball shoes (that he also didn't tell me about, but BFD, I don't tell him every time I buy something either). He should have told me about it because it's significant and unusual in nature and occurrence.

P.S. His mom probably raised him that way, but that's not because of me. I'm not his mama.

Stung

My husband ONLY drinks in secret in his car. He doesn't go to bars. He doesn't drink socially. He hides it and he lies. He is an ACOA and his parents are Catholic zealots. He has some MAJOR issues about telling the truth and guilt and shame and people pleasing.

I almost feel bad that I hate the lying so much. I think it's because it's bringing up a lot of old resentful stuff whether I'm fully aware of it or not. My husband has always been a liar and exaggerator. He used to look me in the eyes and lie about doing chewing tobacco. He has lied about stupid stuff our entire relationship…that's his own personal flaw, not something that I've brought out in him.

I had another thread not too long ago about how he made up a story and I believed him and about 5 minutes later he told me he lied and made the whole thing up. Lots of alcoholics have major issues with telling the truth. That's part of why AA requires that alcoholics be rigorously honest to have any chance at successfully becoming and staying sober.

aboutdone

Thank you for this. Trust, integrity, moralisty, honesty. All of those are crucial and mine always tried to make me feel like I was asking too much & then in the same breath tell me how I should respect him as that is what the bible says. EVEN after getting sober. I never thought the problem was all me, but this validates my feelings that they lie their whole life.

aboutdone

Well, I obviously need to work on me A LOT, and here is why. ...

A lie is a lie is a lie. I totally get detaching from it, its "theirs" to own, but it isn't a friendship we are talking about, of course not, because we woukdn't accept that behavior in a friend. Yet we do in relationships, and I have yet to meet someone who blatanyly lies, that the lies don't get bigger and bigger, verytime they are allowed to slide.
Although it is a gift to me to detach and not blow up, it is also a ding to the relationship. If they lie because of fear, or shame or guilt, it seems to me they get to have the benefit of a relationship literally without any responsibilty.

I just couldn't take it anymore.

With that said, I am SUPER PROUD of you for immediately recognizing your reaction, taking ownership and apologizing for how you responded. That is huge, but don't beat yourself up too much, because I think many people outside of a relationship with an addict would respond similarly. Trust is a big deal.