Functional Addiction
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Baltimore, MD
Posts: 348
Functional Addiction
Thanks for letting me sort through this pain and madness here. I've been posting like crazy because SR has been so cathartic and healing for me.
With that said, and I hope I'm not being too redundant, I wanted to dedicate a post to functional A's (and gather all the insight/wisdom/experience I can).
It's difficult for me to grasp the seriousness of addiction in my X fiancé A because he is so functioning. So I have a tendency to minimize his addiction. I guess I need to get it through my head that addiction is addiction regardless of the "severity" of it and even though he was running a company, financially successful, took care of his children, etc, he STILL has a problem with drugs and alcohol that made it impossible for any stability and true love in our relationship. I think the main issue was my aversion to his using, my pain due to his selfishness, and my anger because of the multitude of empty promises and failed rehab stints. Every time he would leave or get kicked out of rehab it was due to entitlement and a self righteous attitude, "I'm nothing like THOSE people. They don't have careers and stay high all day." he would say often.
So is functional addiction really "better" or more manageable? Should I have just kept my mouth shut and dealt with his behavior? I'm starting to feel like his addiction wasn't that bad and I should have just accepted it. And this is when I start feeling crazy....
With that said, and I hope I'm not being too redundant, I wanted to dedicate a post to functional A's (and gather all the insight/wisdom/experience I can).
It's difficult for me to grasp the seriousness of addiction in my X fiancé A because he is so functioning. So I have a tendency to minimize his addiction. I guess I need to get it through my head that addiction is addiction regardless of the "severity" of it and even though he was running a company, financially successful, took care of his children, etc, he STILL has a problem with drugs and alcohol that made it impossible for any stability and true love in our relationship. I think the main issue was my aversion to his using, my pain due to his selfishness, and my anger because of the multitude of empty promises and failed rehab stints. Every time he would leave or get kicked out of rehab it was due to entitlement and a self righteous attitude, "I'm nothing like THOSE people. They don't have careers and stay high all day." he would say often.
So is functional addiction really "better" or more manageable? Should I have just kept my mouth shut and dealt with his behavior? I'm starting to feel like his addiction wasn't that bad and I should have just accepted it. And this is when I start feeling crazy....
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
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the point isn't where THEY are in THEIR addiction, it's how much of a problem their behaviors are FOR US. trying to be with him made you crazy, right? it bothered you. upset you. etc etc. so the best thing to do in that situation is get AWAY from the crazy maker.
as it is, functional is just a phase....and if you look closer, he wasn't really functioning NORMALLY.....once they go to rehab, they've moved beyond functional. once they get kicked OUT of rehab, the problem is very real.
it was never going to get better. no matter what YOU DID.
you're out now. begin to breathe the air and sense the relief. you can let go of the misery now, any time.
as it is, functional is just a phase....and if you look closer, he wasn't really functioning NORMALLY.....once they go to rehab, they've moved beyond functional. once they get kicked OUT of rehab, the problem is very real.
it was never going to get better. no matter what YOU DID.
you're out now. begin to breathe the air and sense the relief. you can let go of the misery now, any time.
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: uk
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Sweetie, the problem was NOT your pain, your anger and your aversion to drugs and alcohol. The problem was HIS selfishness, HIS drinking , HIS denial and HIS selfishness. Also HIS refusal to listen to and value your needs.
The fact that you are already blaming yourself and questioning your judgement and buying I to.his blame.game/denial shows just how bad alcoholics can be, whether functioning or not. Now put yourself 10 years down the line with this guy, with constantly blaming yourself for fights. Functioning or not, that's not a good scenario. Now add to that progression. He's lost his job, his kids are angry and hurt and you are supporting him while he sits at home and drinks.
That's the future. It's degenerative. You did the right thing for yourself. Now you are free to find healing for yourself.
The fact that you are already blaming yourself and questioning your judgement and buying I to.his blame.game/denial shows just how bad alcoholics can be, whether functioning or not. Now put yourself 10 years down the line with this guy, with constantly blaming yourself for fights. Functioning or not, that's not a good scenario. Now add to that progression. He's lost his job, his kids are angry and hurt and you are supporting him while he sits at home and drinks.
That's the future. It's degenerative. You did the right thing for yourself. Now you are free to find healing for yourself.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Lots of alcoholics (not all) start out as "functional." In fact, as my alcoholism progressed, I continued to maintain my career and professional license, never got a dwi, never damaged my credit rating, owned my house, car, etc. But believe me, I was unravelling inside, and it would only have been a matter of time before my luck ran out or I made some huge, irreversible mistake.
One thing, though--you talk about how perhaps you should have "accepted" his addiction. In fact, that's exactly what you DO have to do. Accepting it doesn't mean that it's OK, or that you should live with it, but rather accepting the FACT of it, and then deciding what YOU need to do for YOUR life to look the way you want it to.
In short, no, you did not overreact. You undoubtedly spared yourself a whole lot of agony by leaving when you did.
One thing, though--you talk about how perhaps you should have "accepted" his addiction. In fact, that's exactly what you DO have to do. Accepting it doesn't mean that it's OK, or that you should live with it, but rather accepting the FACT of it, and then deciding what YOU need to do for YOUR life to look the way you want it to.
In short, no, you did not overreact. You undoubtedly spared yourself a whole lot of agony by leaving when you did.
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Comments from A's that I have copied and kept. I like to read and try and comprehend what life is life for an A. I just can't wrap my brain around it, but here are a few of my favorites that keep me on the right path. Hopefully one of these helps
An addict life is sad and dark. It's nothing personal against you....although it effects you!Have you ever been really drunk, and kind of forgotten what you did last night? You have a headache, body hurts, and you feel remorseful, guilty, and kind of scared? Imagine living like that ALL THE TIME. When that becomes your reality, 24/7, you more or less become a different person. I knew exactly what I was doing when I chose alcohol over my partner - I was in the midst of addiction. It was Alcohol vs. Girlfriend, and when it came time to make the choice, it was an easy one. I was under the impression that alcohol made me feel good all the time, and it didn't ask questions. I was swimming in delusion. I can't really explain it. It's almost like having temporary dementia for a few years, and then trying to explain why you did the things you did.
I think it's impossible to feel remorse if I am always blaming someone else for my resentments, my choices, my actions and reactions, and the quality of my life. That way my choices are never my fault, therefore never my responsibility, so how could I possibly feel remorse for something that's obviously someone else's fault. You will also learn that one of the reasons alcoholics drink is to keep the remorse at bay, which is caused by drinking.
As a RA, I can tell you all that when I was using, I did love. I loved the alcohol. It was my lover, my friend, it made all the feelings go away...and then it turned on me. This RA drank to NOT feel anything. That was my goal. So when love gets talked about, I can relate on both sides, as I'm sure many people here can. I hated myself when I used, which pretty much made loving anybody else impossible. I think what I loved during those times was what people DID for me, not how they felt about me. The more you did for me, (to help me obtain what I wanted, which was to drink) the more I wanted you around. When that stopped, it was on to the next. I may have had some feeling of sadness, but, it was easy to drink those away too. It's a horrible disease.
Addicts love to get high/drunk above all= number 1 priority. Any love they have for others is not strong/important enough to make them choose loved ones over getting high. Loved ones become people to use for shelter, food, and cash. They not infrequently steal from loved ones. Because of these things, if addicts have any love for others it is largely inconsequential.
An addict life is sad and dark. It's nothing personal against you....although it effects you!Have you ever been really drunk, and kind of forgotten what you did last night? You have a headache, body hurts, and you feel remorseful, guilty, and kind of scared? Imagine living like that ALL THE TIME. When that becomes your reality, 24/7, you more or less become a different person. I knew exactly what I was doing when I chose alcohol over my partner - I was in the midst of addiction. It was Alcohol vs. Girlfriend, and when it came time to make the choice, it was an easy one. I was under the impression that alcohol made me feel good all the time, and it didn't ask questions. I was swimming in delusion. I can't really explain it. It's almost like having temporary dementia for a few years, and then trying to explain why you did the things you did.
I think it's impossible to feel remorse if I am always blaming someone else for my resentments, my choices, my actions and reactions, and the quality of my life. That way my choices are never my fault, therefore never my responsibility, so how could I possibly feel remorse for something that's obviously someone else's fault. You will also learn that one of the reasons alcoholics drink is to keep the remorse at bay, which is caused by drinking.
As a RA, I can tell you all that when I was using, I did love. I loved the alcohol. It was my lover, my friend, it made all the feelings go away...and then it turned on me. This RA drank to NOT feel anything. That was my goal. So when love gets talked about, I can relate on both sides, as I'm sure many people here can. I hated myself when I used, which pretty much made loving anybody else impossible. I think what I loved during those times was what people DID for me, not how they felt about me. The more you did for me, (to help me obtain what I wanted, which was to drink) the more I wanted you around. When that stopped, it was on to the next. I may have had some feeling of sadness, but, it was easy to drink those away too. It's a horrible disease.
Addicts love to get high/drunk above all= number 1 priority. Any love they have for others is not strong/important enough to make them choose loved ones over getting high. Loved ones become people to use for shelter, food, and cash. They not infrequently steal from loved ones. Because of these things, if addicts have any love for others it is largely inconsequential.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,413
Functional is a stage, not a type, of alcoholic as far as I'm concerned.
He may be in a "functional" stage for awhile longer, but in the end, like Lexie says, it always begins to unravel.
I was the same as Lexie--high status job, respectable, no problems with DUI or other typical issues. But gradually becoming less "on top" of things and I finally had the sense to see this and stop.
You did the right thing.
He may be in a "functional" stage for awhile longer, but in the end, like Lexie says, it always begins to unravel.
I was the same as Lexie--high status job, respectable, no problems with DUI or other typical issues. But gradually becoming less "on top" of things and I finally had the sense to see this and stop.
You did the right thing.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Baltimore, MD
Posts: 348
Thank you so much. All of your responses have been so insightful and educational, and this is so healing for me.
However, the part that I am struggling with the most is that he left ME. I didn't break things off with him.
However, the part that I am struggling with the most is that he left ME. I didn't break things off with him.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Originally Posted by Jodie77 
However, the part that I am struggling with the most is that he left ME. I didn't break things off with him.
Maybe it's time to start looking around and considering what path you will take. Your travels will be much lighter without the albatross of an alcoholic relationship around your neck.
voices ca**y
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: St. Paul Minnesota
Posts: 4,350
I quit just as I was about to graduate to non functioning. I learned this way of coping with things when I was a kid. It is called it's not that bad. When I was a helpless kid it was about all I had left to my disposal. I guess it is a form of denial and I have used it many times. I had a horribly damaging childhood but it wasn't that bad. I had an abusive relationship when I was in my early 20s but it really wasn't that bad. I was drinking nightly but took care of everything I needed to so you know it wasn't that bad.
I'm not talking about his drinking. It seems to me that the relationship you two had was very damaging to you. Maybe you think you need something you can point to and be able to justify feeling they way you do. I felt a lot better when I finally admitted to myself that it was horrible. All those things that happened to me were horrible. And I didn't deserve one single bit of it.
I'm not talking about his drinking. It seems to me that the relationship you two had was very damaging to you. Maybe you think you need something you can point to and be able to justify feeling they way you do. I felt a lot better when I finally admitted to myself that it was horrible. All those things that happened to me were horrible. And I didn't deserve one single bit of it.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
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Silentrun,
He literally says the same things to me constantly, "is it really that bad?" Then I'm left questioning how "bad" it really is because he is convinced it's not bad and in turn tries to manipulate me into thinking same.
Thanks for the insight.
He literally says the same things to me constantly, "is it really that bad?" Then I'm left questioning how "bad" it really is because he is convinced it's not bad and in turn tries to manipulate me into thinking same.
Thanks for the insight.
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Australia
Posts: 537
I can definitely relate to what you say. My RAH was functional for many years. I even used to come here and say many similar things to what you have in your post. For a long time he maintained a career with excellent money, looked after his family etc etc. He was very functional, and it gave him the illusion that he didn't have a problem like those real alcoholics, and it kept me believing that.
The responses I got on SR. were similar to what you have got. Everyone promised me that 'functional' was a stage, and that things would change. I thought that was years away.
But moving from functional to not functional for me RAH seemed to happen overnight (in reality it was a progression), and all of a sudden he couldn't put that bottle of wine down, couldn't get to work, couldn't look after the kids, lost his job etc. He wasn't just 'not functional'', he was dying.
What I learned was that it doesn't really matter how he defined himself, or others, it was about whether his behaviours and actions were a problem for ME. Functional really just meant 'barely functional' - yes he had a job, earned great money etc but he was absent in almost all the ways that mattered. So I had to understand that the labels were not what was important, but what I wanted for my life, and the lives of my kids was what really mattered.
The responses I got on SR. were similar to what you have got. Everyone promised me that 'functional' was a stage, and that things would change. I thought that was years away.
But moving from functional to not functional for me RAH seemed to happen overnight (in reality it was a progression), and all of a sudden he couldn't put that bottle of wine down, couldn't get to work, couldn't look after the kids, lost his job etc. He wasn't just 'not functional'', he was dying.
What I learned was that it doesn't really matter how he defined himself, or others, it was about whether his behaviours and actions were a problem for ME. Functional really just meant 'barely functional' - yes he had a job, earned great money etc but he was absent in almost all the ways that mattered. So I had to understand that the labels were not what was important, but what I wanted for my life, and the lives of my kids was what really mattered.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 322
I know how you feel Jodie, I fight with this too. I fight it hard sometimes.
My ex fiance has a good job, never has faced a DWI although he drinks excessively and drives often, has a family that completely acts like his drinking (and theirs) isn't an issue, etc...
HOWEVER...he's been offered a higher paying job in a much healthier environment and won't do a thing to persue that BECAUSE it's easier to stay where he is. It's easier to stay there, camouflaged by his coworker's major dysfunctions (many are alcoholics, the place is a mess) and where he isn't asked for a whole lot. With the new job, he'd have a lot more responsibility and oversight and considering that he drinks before work, I don't think he'd last there for long.
I never understood that until my mother, an active A, pointed that out. Made perfect sense, but I couldn't see it from a non A point of view. Also, he'd have an excellent opportunity to move forward in his career if he'd get his masters, but has zero initiative to do anything except...simply exist, day to day and get through until his next drink. I don't consider that very functional. I consider it simply existing. I guess it all depends on what each of our version of "functional" means.
They can do "functional" for a while. Eventually the luck runs out though. I suppose there are some extremely lucky people out there, but one way or another, addiction will get you in the end. Somehow. Someway. I'd think it inevitable.
This may help you to have a better understanding:
Getting Away With Addiction?
My ex fiance has a good job, never has faced a DWI although he drinks excessively and drives often, has a family that completely acts like his drinking (and theirs) isn't an issue, etc...
HOWEVER...he's been offered a higher paying job in a much healthier environment and won't do a thing to persue that BECAUSE it's easier to stay where he is. It's easier to stay there, camouflaged by his coworker's major dysfunctions (many are alcoholics, the place is a mess) and where he isn't asked for a whole lot. With the new job, he'd have a lot more responsibility and oversight and considering that he drinks before work, I don't think he'd last there for long.
I never understood that until my mother, an active A, pointed that out. Made perfect sense, but I couldn't see it from a non A point of view. Also, he'd have an excellent opportunity to move forward in his career if he'd get his masters, but has zero initiative to do anything except...simply exist, day to day and get through until his next drink. I don't consider that very functional. I consider it simply existing. I guess it all depends on what each of our version of "functional" means.
They can do "functional" for a while. Eventually the luck runs out though. I suppose there are some extremely lucky people out there, but one way or another, addiction will get you in the end. Somehow. Someway. I'd think it inevitable.
This may help you to have a better understanding:
Getting Away With Addiction?
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Originally Posted by Jodie77
He literally says the same things to me constantly, "is it really that bad?" Then I'm left questioning how "bad" it really is because he is convinced it's not bad and in turn tries to manipulate me into thinking same.
"Why can't we be OK, right now, in this moment? I'm still the same person, whether or not I've been drinking."
And I also was drawn in. No, he never hit me. He usually had a job. He acted more or less the same, drinking or not (altho that gradually became less and less true). But was that good enough? And more important, did I have the right to say that was not good enough and take steps to MAKE things good enough for me?
It took a long time for me to understand, for me to see that while I can't say whether HE is "good enough", I most certainly CAN say whether the life I'm living is good enough. I have the right to change anything about myself and my life that I think will make it better. And you have that same right.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 322
[I][However, the part that I am struggling with the most is that he left ME. I didn't break things off with him./I]
Because Jodie, you were a threat to his addiction. What I've had to realize is that, as much as I hate it and never thought it would happen in my relationship, their addiction will always, always, always come before us.
As much as an A is capable of loving someone, I know he loved and adored me. I don't have any doubt about that. However, when I gave him the ultimatum of truly getting help to get sober, or else it was over and he had to move out, he left. I was STUNNED. I literally think I went into a state of shock for a few weeks. I could not believe that alcohol was more important than us, our home, the home we worked so hard to build together, our dogs, our wedding, and the future we had planned. But, it was. As much as that tears me apart, it also made me realize that there is no way in this world that I want to come second to anything. Certainly not to alcohol or drugs.
Jodie, it hurts. This all hurts like hell. I know that. I felt like someone ripped an important part of my body off when he left. I still feel like that often. He was my other half, my other piece. But that piece is so broken and no matter how hard we want to try to put broken pieces back together so they "fit" again, sometimes we just have to throw them away and realize that their is no way to fix it. I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I'm so sorry this is happening to me and to everyone in so much pain on this forum. It isn't fair, but it is reality and life is so tragically unfair to us sometimes. BUT, this isn't the final curtain call. This is not the end. We can, and will, go on. That I know.
I have no idea what to tell you to make getting through this acute, unrelenting pain a little easier except to just keeping walking (or crawling) through the fire. I'm still thrashing in the pain too, but I am doing just a little better.... a little, somehow. At least I can now sit here and say that I pray for him, and I hope to God that something wakes him up before it's too late, but there IS NOT A THING I CAN DO FOR HIM. I tried everything and then some. I'm sure you did too. I went from the ever accepting, comforting, loyal, overly-caretaking, "it's ok baby, I know you're struggling, I'm here, I'll help you" fiance to the completely angry, shut down, screaming, yelling, cursing, completely out of character for me fiance in just a matter of mere weeks. I didn't even recognize myself sometimes.
I'm not much further ahead than you are in all of this, literally just a few weeks. I'll never tell you that this is easy, but I have to believe that it's worth it. I've seen too many friends and family members try to live life with active addicts and alcoholics and it's heartbreaking. It's never pretty. I lived it as a child and get very upset and angry at myself for walking into it head first as an adult and mother, but I did, and now I need to figure out why so I never do it again. EVER.
It's not you. It's addiction. It's alcoholism. They can't be without it and all is ok until you threaten it. It's so hard for us, as non-addicts, to understand. That I know.
Just know you're not alone. I know you keep going back to him leaving you, and in essence, my A left me too, and that is crushing. I don't know about you, but besides the heartbreak of him choosing to continue drinking and leave, it was one hell of a blow to my self esteem as well. He had the option to stay and get help, but, he didn't want that life. He wanted to continue his downward spiral and I had no choice but to let him go and get out of the way so I didn't go down with him.
I know that neither of us really feel it at this moment, but I'm going to say that because we couldn't break away and look out for ourselves, someone greater than us was looking out for us and instead removed them from us.
We'll be better off for this. We're going to be ok in the end.
Because Jodie, you were a threat to his addiction. What I've had to realize is that, as much as I hate it and never thought it would happen in my relationship, their addiction will always, always, always come before us.
As much as an A is capable of loving someone, I know he loved and adored me. I don't have any doubt about that. However, when I gave him the ultimatum of truly getting help to get sober, or else it was over and he had to move out, he left. I was STUNNED. I literally think I went into a state of shock for a few weeks. I could not believe that alcohol was more important than us, our home, the home we worked so hard to build together, our dogs, our wedding, and the future we had planned. But, it was. As much as that tears me apart, it also made me realize that there is no way in this world that I want to come second to anything. Certainly not to alcohol or drugs.
Jodie, it hurts. This all hurts like hell. I know that. I felt like someone ripped an important part of my body off when he left. I still feel like that often. He was my other half, my other piece. But that piece is so broken and no matter how hard we want to try to put broken pieces back together so they "fit" again, sometimes we just have to throw them away and realize that their is no way to fix it. I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I'm so sorry this is happening to me and to everyone in so much pain on this forum. It isn't fair, but it is reality and life is so tragically unfair to us sometimes. BUT, this isn't the final curtain call. This is not the end. We can, and will, go on. That I know.
I have no idea what to tell you to make getting through this acute, unrelenting pain a little easier except to just keeping walking (or crawling) through the fire. I'm still thrashing in the pain too, but I am doing just a little better.... a little, somehow. At least I can now sit here and say that I pray for him, and I hope to God that something wakes him up before it's too late, but there IS NOT A THING I CAN DO FOR HIM. I tried everything and then some. I'm sure you did too. I went from the ever accepting, comforting, loyal, overly-caretaking, "it's ok baby, I know you're struggling, I'm here, I'll help you" fiance to the completely angry, shut down, screaming, yelling, cursing, completely out of character for me fiance in just a matter of mere weeks. I didn't even recognize myself sometimes.
I'm not much further ahead than you are in all of this, literally just a few weeks. I'll never tell you that this is easy, but I have to believe that it's worth it. I've seen too many friends and family members try to live life with active addicts and alcoholics and it's heartbreaking. It's never pretty. I lived it as a child and get very upset and angry at myself for walking into it head first as an adult and mother, but I did, and now I need to figure out why so I never do it again. EVER.
It's not you. It's addiction. It's alcoholism. They can't be without it and all is ok until you threaten it. It's so hard for us, as non-addicts, to understand. That I know.
Just know you're not alone. I know you keep going back to him leaving you, and in essence, my A left me too, and that is crushing. I don't know about you, but besides the heartbreak of him choosing to continue drinking and leave, it was one hell of a blow to my self esteem as well. He had the option to stay and get help, but, he didn't want that life. He wanted to continue his downward spiral and I had no choice but to let him go and get out of the way so I didn't go down with him.
I know that neither of us really feel it at this moment, but I'm going to say that because we couldn't break away and look out for ourselves, someone greater than us was looking out for us and instead removed them from us.
We'll be better off for this. We're going to be ok in the end.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
I personally want more from a relationship and a partner then "well is it really THAT bad???"
that's called MINIMIZING. which goes right along with RATIONALIZATION and JUSTIFICATION. all hallmarks of addiction and/or codependency, filed under DENIAL.
it's one thing to accept another as they are, quite another if we have to keep lowering our own standards in order to do so.
that's called MINIMIZING. which goes right along with RATIONALIZATION and JUSTIFICATION. all hallmarks of addiction and/or codependency, filed under DENIAL.
it's one thing to accept another as they are, quite another if we have to keep lowering our own standards in order to do so.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 97
Agreed. The "functional aspect" is just a part of the progression, and he left, because he wasn't ready to quit, and you were an obstacle to his addiction.
It is telling that he he felt he was "nothing like" those addicts at rehab. When m husband went to rehab, originally I was a little worried about him comparing himself to other alcoholics and heroin addicts, and ether not behind able to relate or rationalizing that he wasn't that bad off compared o them. What was so refreshing was when I picked him up, his perspective was exactly opposite. "We're all the same." And he realized that the key to his recovery was support from fellow addicts. He may have "left" but it's because of you standing up for what you needed, to not be in a relationship with a drunk. You are taking care of you. Your future with an alcoholic was not bright-Im glad you are free to carve out a brighter future do yourself.
It is telling that he he felt he was "nothing like" those addicts at rehab. When m husband went to rehab, originally I was a little worried about him comparing himself to other alcoholics and heroin addicts, and ether not behind able to relate or rationalizing that he wasn't that bad off compared o them. What was so refreshing was when I picked him up, his perspective was exactly opposite. "We're all the same." And he realized that the key to his recovery was support from fellow addicts. He may have "left" but it's because of you standing up for what you needed, to not be in a relationship with a drunk. You are taking care of you. Your future with an alcoholic was not bright-Im glad you are free to carve out a brighter future do yourself.
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Join Date: Nov 2014
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Posts: 207
Jodie. If you read my posts from a few months ago I was asking the same thing you were and feeling like the loser because he left me. Sometimes I still struggle with whether he is an alcoholic or not despite it being so clear (he was mostly functional as we) sometimes I think they leave first to feel better about themselves or because they don't want to do the work, it's a pre-emptive strike- the best defense is a good offense after all. Regardless, he did you a huge favor. Read the posts from people married to alcoholics and you will soon realized how big of a bullet you dodged. Hugs. I hate seeing you suffer bc I know exactly how abandonment feels, I was left by mine right before my heart surgery.
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I married a successful man who made very good money and was able to provide a comfortable life for his family. Materially, that is.
As his alcoholism progressed, he started yelling at me for spending too much money on food. Despite his six-figure income and me working full time, there were months when I felt I didn't feed the kids the way I should -- but there was always money for booze.
Now, 25 years later, he's unemployed and homeless. It was an ugly route there.
Alcoholism is an elevator that goes down to hell. You didn't get to decide when to get off -- but trust me, no matter how much it hurts, you're lucky to be off that damn elevator.
As his alcoholism progressed, he started yelling at me for spending too much money on food. Despite his six-figure income and me working full time, there were months when I felt I didn't feed the kids the way I should -- but there was always money for booze.
Now, 25 years later, he's unemployed and homeless. It was an ugly route there.
Alcoholism is an elevator that goes down to hell. You didn't get to decide when to get off -- but trust me, no matter how much it hurts, you're lucky to be off that damn elevator.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: West Coast
Posts: 774
Everyone here has such h beautiful insight....
Jodie, I don't think alcohol was the only problem. He was self centered, narcissistic, manipulative, and emotionally abusive to you. So, was it 'that bad'? Yep! Yes he was!
I have a soon-to-be-xabf. He is adorable. Outgoing, loving, attentive, good to me and my two young daughters, he has helped me with all sorts of handy man things from moving to putting up Xmas lights, and we NEVER fight.
But let me tell you why we don't fight. BECAUSE I DON'T PUT UP A FIGHT WHEN I SHOULD. I recently had to take an inventory of all the things he did that actually bothered me but I never bothered to say. And wow! There were more than I ever realized! I think as codices, maybe we minimize our own feelings because somewhere along the way we learned that our feelings don't count and that other's feelings are more important... even to the point of being responsible for how others feel or their reactions to how we feel.
Anyway, I keep taking inventory to keep myself motivated to say goodbye. I have his stuff packed. I wrote the good ye letter. Now it's just a matter of time, and all day I have been itching to just text him goodbye. But I have digressed because I think I'm just angry and looking for drama. So I'll just chill and wait till I can visit him with a cool head to exchange stuff.
Hope you're doin alright! It is okay what has happened.... Get on with your life. He'll hate it ;-)
Jodie, I don't think alcohol was the only problem. He was self centered, narcissistic, manipulative, and emotionally abusive to you. So, was it 'that bad'? Yep! Yes he was!
I have a soon-to-be-xabf. He is adorable. Outgoing, loving, attentive, good to me and my two young daughters, he has helped me with all sorts of handy man things from moving to putting up Xmas lights, and we NEVER fight.
But let me tell you why we don't fight. BECAUSE I DON'T PUT UP A FIGHT WHEN I SHOULD. I recently had to take an inventory of all the things he did that actually bothered me but I never bothered to say. And wow! There were more than I ever realized! I think as codices, maybe we minimize our own feelings because somewhere along the way we learned that our feelings don't count and that other's feelings are more important... even to the point of being responsible for how others feel or their reactions to how we feel.
Anyway, I keep taking inventory to keep myself motivated to say goodbye. I have his stuff packed. I wrote the good ye letter. Now it's just a matter of time, and all day I have been itching to just text him goodbye. But I have digressed because I think I'm just angry and looking for drama. So I'll just chill and wait till I can visit him with a cool head to exchange stuff.
Hope you're doin alright! It is okay what has happened.... Get on with your life. He'll hate it ;-)
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