The Lies
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
That is so true Stung. You've had a heck of a month and a heck of a year. Don't be to hard on yourself. All human beings have meltdowns sometimes. I give you credit for at least having an event that triggered it. Sometimes I melt down because the timer on the stove is just to damn annoying 
You already have really great ideas for how you would have rather played out that initial reaction. I would encourage you to play out some ideas on how you would address it with your husband because knowing that part is what helps me put into practice all those good ideas. That moves me past acceptance of the unacceptable and actually dealing with it. There has to be some kind of satisfying resolution. I don't really know what that is or what you need so I'm not asking you to answer that here - but maybe with your counselor or sponsor.
FWIW I even put the above into practice with my kids. If I have a plan for how I'm going to follow through on something I am much better at being able to keep my head in the heat of the moment. You can accept where he is and align your expectations to where he is at in his journey today and still validate and address your feelings and experiences. You deserve that and you can ask for what you need in order to get it.
ETA: You are really working this recovery thing. I have a lot of respect for you. It is not easy.
You already have really great ideas for how you would have rather played out that initial reaction. I would encourage you to play out some ideas on how you would address it with your husband because knowing that part is what helps me put into practice all those good ideas. That moves me past acceptance of the unacceptable and actually dealing with it. There has to be some kind of satisfying resolution. I don't really know what that is or what you need so I'm not asking you to answer that here - but maybe with your counselor or sponsor.
FWIW I even put the above into practice with my kids. If I have a plan for how I'm going to follow through on something I am much better at being able to keep my head in the heat of the moment. You can accept where he is and align your expectations to where he is at in his journey today and still validate and address your feelings and experiences. You deserve that and you can ask for what you need in order to get it.
ETA: You are really working this recovery thing. I have a lot of respect for you. It is not easy.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
OK I understand what you are asking now. Here is how I would deal with this situation. From what you have said 1) The expenditure was necessary and 2) (assuming) You would have agreed to to this purchase. Alright, so I have to pick this a part a little to figure out why you got so mad. How involved are you in RAH's business? Are you also a partner in the business? Are you funding the business in anyway?
My RAH and I each have our own businesses as well. Business funds and personal funds are of course separate entities. As long as either one of us are making business transactions out of the business accounts that do not effect our personal funds or do not affect our lifestyles I do not care what he spends and vice versa. That would be inclusive of 10k as an expense that was necessary. However, if the business needed a loan of personal funds, or the expenditure meant one of us were not going to be taking an income for awhile then damn right all parties better be included in the decision. This is how it works in my household I am unsure how it works in yours - you haven't made mention of anything having to do with an agreement to inform the other of business transactions and the like.
Obviously, as a codie I do have a controlling nature. you have mentioned this as well. I don't want to be RAH's mother on any level. I also do not like to fight, I don't like to be upset, I don't like when things are't kosher in my household. I was not always like that. I am a much happier person not ruling the world hee hee hee. You have also mentioned you should have stepped away and not immediately called him. That is a start. For me I have to look at things analytically before deciding to approach RAH if it were a similar situation.
1) Why did he do it and was it reasonable
2) Does this effect "our" or "my" life because he made tho decision?
3) Would I have agreed to it if he had asked me?
If those three questions are answered in the affirmative then I would let it go because my anger is not coming from a place of be affected by his decision, rather a place of not have the power to give him permission to do it. With that realization for me I am not mad - I am glad that I am not causing what will be a major fight and putting him in a situation where he is no longer an adult rather a child. It takes some practice - but it is very freeing to let go the choke hold. I also do not want to emasculate him by making him feel that without me, and my input, his decisions aren't ok.
As for the exaggerations - meh, that's a character thing. Hard to change a story teller. While it can be annoying at times I just don't' say anything to him because it will result in an argument, and me making him feel stupid. I "don't feed the bears" when it comes to his exaggerations……..I may listen but I just don't respond much, and then I change the subject. The story of the hardship of getting the Christmas decor is a fine example of something my RAH would also do. I could shoot back and say "seriously??? I got up at 3:30am to go on location carrying a 70lb bag, worked for 8 hours, then went back to the studio met with 4 clients, came home - cooked dinner, cleaned the kitchen and you want to complain to me about Christmas Decor"? As you can imagine - that would not result in a peaceful evening lol. But what's that about? Is it about me needing recognition that I do more? And, because I do RAH's efforts should go unnoticed or without merit even if they are small things or things that I would do and never say a word about? Yeah for me its way more about that, or it was. Now I just say "thank you for doing the decorations I'm sorry it was such a pain". And I am thankful for what he does, and he does deserve credit.
Anyways my ES & H. Take what you want and all of that.
My RAH and I each have our own businesses as well. Business funds and personal funds are of course separate entities. As long as either one of us are making business transactions out of the business accounts that do not effect our personal funds or do not affect our lifestyles I do not care what he spends and vice versa. That would be inclusive of 10k as an expense that was necessary. However, if the business needed a loan of personal funds, or the expenditure meant one of us were not going to be taking an income for awhile then damn right all parties better be included in the decision. This is how it works in my household I am unsure how it works in yours - you haven't made mention of anything having to do with an agreement to inform the other of business transactions and the like.
Obviously, as a codie I do have a controlling nature. you have mentioned this as well. I don't want to be RAH's mother on any level. I also do not like to fight, I don't like to be upset, I don't like when things are't kosher in my household. I was not always like that. I am a much happier person not ruling the world hee hee hee. You have also mentioned you should have stepped away and not immediately called him. That is a start. For me I have to look at things analytically before deciding to approach RAH if it were a similar situation.
1) Why did he do it and was it reasonable
2) Does this effect "our" or "my" life because he made tho decision?
3) Would I have agreed to it if he had asked me?
If those three questions are answered in the affirmative then I would let it go because my anger is not coming from a place of be affected by his decision, rather a place of not have the power to give him permission to do it. With that realization for me I am not mad - I am glad that I am not causing what will be a major fight and putting him in a situation where he is no longer an adult rather a child. It takes some practice - but it is very freeing to let go the choke hold. I also do not want to emasculate him by making him feel that without me, and my input, his decisions aren't ok.
As for the exaggerations - meh, that's a character thing. Hard to change a story teller. While it can be annoying at times I just don't' say anything to him because it will result in an argument, and me making him feel stupid. I "don't feed the bears" when it comes to his exaggerations……..I may listen but I just don't respond much, and then I change the subject. The story of the hardship of getting the Christmas decor is a fine example of something my RAH would also do. I could shoot back and say "seriously??? I got up at 3:30am to go on location carrying a 70lb bag, worked for 8 hours, then went back to the studio met with 4 clients, came home - cooked dinner, cleaned the kitchen and you want to complain to me about Christmas Decor"? As you can imagine - that would not result in a peaceful evening lol. But what's that about? Is it about me needing recognition that I do more? And, because I do RAH's efforts should go unnoticed or without merit even if they are small things or things that I would do and never say a word about? Yeah for me its way more about that, or it was. Now I just say "thank you for doing the decorations I'm sorry it was such a pain". And I am thankful for what he does, and he does deserve credit.
Anyways my ES & H. Take what you want and all of that.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Indeed a tremendous amount of growth and self reflection as well as new responses to old problems.
Hope your new year resolution is just - more of the same bc you are rocking it Stung!
Hope your new year resolution is just - more of the same bc you are rocking it Stung!
Last edited by CodeJob; 01-11-2015 at 04:17 AM. Reason: Image failed
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 1,778
Originally Posted by Stung 
I think I just need to accept that we're both only human and are both trying to be better people and sometimes we do stupid things.
These days I really try to stop and think and take at least three deep breaths before I react. Sit and calm myself. Think about what is reality and what is made up in my head. Sometimes it works, but other times I still have ridiculous overreactions to stupid things. It's part of living on this crazy planet.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
It almost sounds to me like not so much a "lie" as it is a form of passive resistance--maybe he feels he SHOULDN'T have to inform you of a business purchase, and rather than assert himself on that point, he just "forgets" to tell you.
The two people in a couple typically have different philosophies about handling money, and histories that make them feel that way. Same with other things. Some people are very forthcoming about all the details in their lives, while others like to maintain a certain amount of privacy where it's nobody's business (including the partner) what they do, where they go, what they spend, etc.
So maybe the problem, Stung, in part is your expectations, as you suggested. You have expectations that he will share this information, while he feels he shouldn't have to, but rather than be up front about it he does this passive resistance thing of either lying about trivial things or not telling you. Just a thought. Maybe that's something that could be explored if you do couple's counseling at some point--get at what you each expect from each other. Maybe he needs to be more up front about his own need for privacy, without feeling like you will think he's hiding something.
The two people in a couple typically have different philosophies about handling money, and histories that make them feel that way. Same with other things. Some people are very forthcoming about all the details in their lives, while others like to maintain a certain amount of privacy where it's nobody's business (including the partner) what they do, where they go, what they spend, etc.
So maybe the problem, Stung, in part is your expectations, as you suggested. You have expectations that he will share this information, while he feels he shouldn't have to, but rather than be up front about it he does this passive resistance thing of either lying about trivial things or not telling you. Just a thought. Maybe that's something that could be explored if you do couple's counseling at some point--get at what you each expect from each other. Maybe he needs to be more up front about his own need for privacy, without feeling like you will think he's hiding something.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
