The Lies
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Join Date: Aug 2014
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Stung, my x lied also, all the time. I would hear beer cans open and he would say he was not drinking. 34 years of lying usually to cover up for his addictions.
Now I am not married to him, he can lie to everyone else. This is his short comings, not mine. He will never own it till he gets sober and works a program, which in my idea is not happening any time e soon .
I have given him to my higher power and hopefully he stays alive for his daughters.
Now I am not married to him, he can lie to everyone else. This is his short comings, not mine. He will never own it till he gets sober and works a program, which in my idea is not happening any time e soon .
I have given him to my higher power and hopefully he stays alive for his daughters.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
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Originally Posted by redatlanta 
Fandy is right you gotta pick and choose your battles.
Everybody lies. Everybody. Outright, by exaggeration, by omission. RAH exaggerates all the f*cking time. I am one to lie by omission usually. I don't tell him everything I do, I'm not doing anything wrong, I just don't feel like accounting to ANYONE every single thing I do.
Whatever…we all know the lies that count.
Everybody lies. Everybody. Outright, by exaggeration, by omission. RAH exaggerates all the f*cking time. I am one to lie by omission usually. I don't tell him everything I do, I'm not doing anything wrong, I just don't feel like accounting to ANYONE every single thing I do.
Whatever…we all know the lies that count.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: East Coast
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Originally Posted by Stung
My husband ONLY drinks in secret in his car. He doesn't go to bars. He doesn't drink socially. He hides it and he lies. He is an ACOA and his parents are Catholic zealots. He has some MAJOR issues about telling the truth and guilt and shame and people pleasing.
I almost feel bad that I hate the lying so much. I think it's because it's bringing up a lot of old resentful stuff whether I'm fully aware of it or not. My husband has always been a liar and exaggerator. He used to look me in the eyes and lie about doing chewing tobacco. He has lied about stupid stuff our entire relationship…that's his own personal flaw, not something that I've brought out in him.
I had another thread not too long ago about how he made up a story and I believed him and about 5 minutes later he told me he lied and made the whole thing up. Lots of alcoholics have major issues with telling the truth. That's part of why AA requires that alcoholics be rigorously honest to have any chance at successfully becoming and staying sober.
I almost feel bad that I hate the lying so much. I think it's because it's bringing up a lot of old resentful stuff whether I'm fully aware of it or not. My husband has always been a liar and exaggerator. He used to look me in the eyes and lie about doing chewing tobacco. He has lied about stupid stuff our entire relationship…that's his own personal flaw, not something that I've brought out in him.
I had another thread not too long ago about how he made up a story and I believed him and about 5 minutes later he told me he lied and made the whole thing up. Lots of alcoholics have major issues with telling the truth. That's part of why AA requires that alcoholics be rigorously honest to have any chance at successfully becoming and staying sober.
Stung.....we could be married to the same person and I could be your twin. Some of the things I read are so my life it is freaky!
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 1,778
Please don't be so hard on yourself. You're human, and anger is a natural reaction to lies. Because they suck. It HURTS when someone lies to you. I'm really sorry you're feeling down and upset. Move on from here and think about what you'd do differently next time.
I hope you're feeling better. Be kind to yourself. xoxooxox
I hope you're feeling better. Be kind to yourself. xoxooxox
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,431
I would lie about how much I had drunk and sometimes if I had big drinking.
I don't make a habit of lying about other things, important or not, to my husband,
and I think it is important to realize a person's moral character is not always in the
toilet because they drink. A few of the generalizations on this thread seem to imply that
and it isn't productive way to view the topic. It makes it too "us" and "them" which isn't helpful.
Habitual lying, as Stung is describing here, is not because of the drinking although it may make it worse.
I agree with red--everyone here most likely lies or has lied by omission or directly at least about "little things" but the underlying question
is perhaps how much of this is caused by the booze, or just a choice someone makes.
I find it very disturbing, for example, that my husband will now say he hasn't had much to drink or been drinking when I know very well he has.
He is one of those absolutely honest types and his covering up his drinking (hiding from my anger or control perhaps) is one of the most upsetting things I'm dealing with now.
Even though I did lie about drinking, and now I don't do it and he trusts me again. I try to be totally honest now because of that to the point of too much detail / information.
I don't make a habit of lying about other things, important or not, to my husband,
and I think it is important to realize a person's moral character is not always in the
toilet because they drink. A few of the generalizations on this thread seem to imply that
and it isn't productive way to view the topic. It makes it too "us" and "them" which isn't helpful.
Habitual lying, as Stung is describing here, is not because of the drinking although it may make it worse.
I agree with red--everyone here most likely lies or has lied by omission or directly at least about "little things" but the underlying question
is perhaps how much of this is caused by the booze, or just a choice someone makes.
I find it very disturbing, for example, that my husband will now say he hasn't had much to drink or been drinking when I know very well he has.
He is one of those absolutely honest types and his covering up his drinking (hiding from my anger or control perhaps) is one of the most upsetting things I'm dealing with now.
Even though I did lie about drinking, and now I don't do it and he trusts me again. I try to be totally honest now because of that to the point of too much detail / information.
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I know that is frustrating.
In a lot of relationships there are trade offs. I have been surprised by what someone people agree to live with in order to stay married. Some people tolerate lying, drinking, cheating, overspending, severe depression, abuse, lots of stuff. Some people do not tolerate any of it. I think it depends on what your expectations are from your marriage and what you can live with.
I might adjust your expectations of your husband at this point. He doesn't sound like the guy he once was or you thought he was. You don't have to spilt up, but staying married to him means accepting who he is today. Only you know if you can live with who he is today. You will drive yourself crazy trying to change him into someone else. Yelling at him or out thinking his defects won't change him. You know that though.
In a lot of relationships there are trade offs. I have been surprised by what someone people agree to live with in order to stay married. Some people tolerate lying, drinking, cheating, overspending, severe depression, abuse, lots of stuff. Some people do not tolerate any of it. I think it depends on what your expectations are from your marriage and what you can live with.
I might adjust your expectations of your husband at this point. He doesn't sound like the guy he once was or you thought he was. You don't have to spilt up, but staying married to him means accepting who he is today. Only you know if you can live with who he is today. You will drive yourself crazy trying to change him into someone else. Yelling at him or out thinking his defects won't change him. You know that though.
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One thing active alcoholics have in common is an inability to take responsibility for their words and actions. That's why the 12 Steps are so focused on "clearing up the wreckage of the past". You have to be open, honest and willing to get and stay sober. In the meantime, a leopard doesn't change his/her spots so acceptance is the only way of cooling down the anger. That and letting go of expectations.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
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Originally Posted by MissFixit
I know that is frustrating.
I might adjust your expectations of your husband at this point. He doesn't sound like the guy he once was or you thought he was. You don't have to spilt up, but staying married to him means accepting who he is today. Only you know if you can live with who he is today. You will drive yourself crazy trying to change him into someone else. Yelling at him or out thinking his defects won't change him. You know that though.
I might adjust your expectations of your husband at this point. He doesn't sound like the guy he once was or you thought he was. You don't have to spilt up, but staying married to him means accepting who he is today. Only you know if you can live with who he is today. You will drive yourself crazy trying to change him into someone else. Yelling at him or out thinking his defects won't change him. You know that though.
By the way, I know you are both well off but a hidden $10,000 purchase is a pretty big thing to cover up.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
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How does one "detach" from lies? How is that healthy? I can understand changing your reaction to lies, but actual detachment from them seems kinda f-ed up to me. It isn't really the same thing as accepting someone for who they are.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
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Have to chime in here--lying is a HUGE thing for me, and my A has lied and lied and lied some more. Someone said their A may have lied out of fear of their anger or fear of their control. That may be. But there are times my A has lied for no reason whatsoever, or at least not one that I can understand.
Here's an example: Years ago, long before I knew there was any problem w/the drinking, he had started a new job. He called me one day about 4 PM to tell me that he and the guy who was training him were working late. I said OK, I'll see you when you get home, then. I was not upset, it was no big deal. He came home a reasonable amount of time later and I thought nothing of it.
In the last year or so, he mentioned this incident and told me that he and the guy were not working late, they were having a beer. I said so why couldn't you tell me that? I wouldn't have cared if you had a beer after work back then, and you knew that perfectly well. He had no answer.
I don't see where he had anything to fear, for any reason, there--unless he still has not told me the whole story. And that is actually more likely than not....so maybe it does all hinge on fear of my anger.
Here's an example: Years ago, long before I knew there was any problem w/the drinking, he had started a new job. He called me one day about 4 PM to tell me that he and the guy who was training him were working late. I said OK, I'll see you when you get home, then. I was not upset, it was no big deal. He came home a reasonable amount of time later and I thought nothing of it.
In the last year or so, he mentioned this incident and told me that he and the guy were not working late, they were having a beer. I said so why couldn't you tell me that? I wouldn't have cared if you had a beer after work back then, and you knew that perfectly well. He had no answer.
I don't see where he had anything to fear, for any reason, there--unless he still has not told me the whole story. And that is actually more likely than not....so maybe it does all hinge on fear of my anger.
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Join Date: Dec 2014
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Toddlers learn to lie to their mommies quickly. Some learn the knee-jerk defense mechanism so well it permeates every facet of their adult life. A good start is.... don't be his parent. Old habits die hard and there has to be an environment conducive to them doing so.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Reminds me of a friend who is a Plumber.
A bunch of ours guys were standing around joking with him while he was "snaking" out a toilet.
He just barely looked up at us over the top his sunglasses, caught all our eyes, and said, "Yunno I sure picked one hell of a job if I was afraid of sh1t." And went back to his work.
We just sort of laughed and watched while he finished his job.
========
Sort of like that in THIS world.
We sure picked some hell of partners (A's) if we are afraid of Lies.
Personally I do not care for Lies.
Nor real fond of Sh1t, either. But am doing some Clean Water projects that deal with it.
Was musing yesterday with one of the guys I am working with -- I guess cleaning kids' diapers was practice for now.
A bunch of ours guys were standing around joking with him while he was "snaking" out a toilet.
He just barely looked up at us over the top his sunglasses, caught all our eyes, and said, "Yunno I sure picked one hell of a job if I was afraid of sh1t." And went back to his work.
We just sort of laughed and watched while he finished his job.
========
Sort of like that in THIS world.
We sure picked some hell of partners (A's) if we are afraid of Lies.
Personally I do not care for Lies.
Nor real fond of Sh1t, either. But am doing some Clean Water projects that deal with it.
Was musing yesterday with one of the guys I am working with -- I guess cleaning kids' diapers was practice for now.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
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From my High School English Teacher -- she puts up Daily Quips on Facebook . . . .
"There are people that I believe every word they say. It's when they put them together into a sentence that I have a problem."
"There are people that I believe every word they say. It's when they put them together into a sentence that I have a problem."
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Lying is a huge dealbreaker for me. Right up there with cheating. Everyone tells little white lies, whether they realize it or not. But *pathologically* lying is totally different. And covering up a $10,000 purchase? I can't think of any time in my life where anything over $100 hasn't been considered a big deal. I consider an undisclosed $20 purchase by my husband to be something worth talking about. It's not even really the amount, but the need to lie about it. $10,000 isn't unsubstantial. I don't care who you are, that's still a decent chunk of change. Can you accept this now and all of the times it occurs in the future? Because he is a pathological liar, and that's not likely to ever truly stop.
And re: toddlers. Children will lie up to about age 7 without really recognizing the true right or wrong about the issue. It's how *we* as parents direct them in their lying that helps them form their moral compass. Children in A homes learn to lie, lie, lie. Mine was more embellishing than outright lying, because that's the lying that AM did most. I still catch myself doing it now and then, but I'm getting better.
And re: toddlers. Children will lie up to about age 7 without really recognizing the true right or wrong about the issue. It's how *we* as parents direct them in their lying that helps them form their moral compass. Children in A homes learn to lie, lie, lie. Mine was more embellishing than outright lying, because that's the lying that AM did most. I still catch myself doing it now and then, but I'm getting better.
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I think it common for A's to lie about drinking, or the things they do associated with drinking - like you notice they have a bruise and they "hmmm, dunno what happened" when they actually fell on their a** drunk and they know it.
It doesn't mean they lie about everything. If your husband made this purchase while not drinking you are just dealing with a liar. If he made it while drinking then he may have lied by omission to cover the drink not the purchase. You do care about the amount because if you didn't have a "line" of what was an acceptable expenditure you wouldn't have gotten so mad, and he would have told you.
Curious, aside from the drinking - are you dealing with major lies, or just a lot of little meaningless ones that you can't figure out why he even says them?
It doesn't mean they lie about everything. If your husband made this purchase while not drinking you are just dealing with a liar. If he made it while drinking then he may have lied by omission to cover the drink not the purchase. You do care about the amount because if you didn't have a "line" of what was an acceptable expenditure you wouldn't have gotten so mad, and he would have told you.
Curious, aside from the drinking - are you dealing with major lies, or just a lot of little meaningless ones that you can't figure out why he even says them?
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I am a little confused about some of the responses I'm getting here. My main problem that I had yesterday was how I responded. That's what upset me the most. I'm confused about responses about how I could be causing him to lie and why we're all guessing about why he behaves the way he does. I cannot change anything that he does and the whys don't matter. I would like to better understand what I do and hear from other people who have been in similar situations and have successfully changed their own behavior, one way or another.
It's not covered up or hidden, that would be a completely different story. He didn't tell me about it until I found it. It is a business related expense that will not effect us individually but it qualifies as something that he should have told me about before or after he did it. It's a rational and reasonable purchase. He didn't tell me because he was afraid, but it's not because of me that he has fear of being honest. That's his stuff that he had long before he even met me. Regardless, I don't care WHY he lied. I just don't want to explode when it happens again, and I should expect for him to lie again. Dude relapsed less than a month ago. Why was I surprised and so hurt that I caught something he didn't tell me about?!
Honestly, I don't think having to detach from people or their issues is healthy to begin with, I think it's something you do in an attempt to become healthier, in an attempt to live a manageable and serene life. It means that I have issues maintaining my own boundaries and respecting other people's boundaries and further, not picking up other people's problems. Detaching is about me. Other people's problems aren't mine. My husband lies, I take that really, really personally and it's not personal. He doesn't lie because of me. That's how he was raised and he didn't false advertise either. He's always been like this.
Totally agree and that's how it applies here. My husband did something that I wouldn't have been mad about but he should have told me anyway. Yesterday he told me that he knew he should have told me and that he was sorry that he didn't.
A good start is accepting people as they are and recognizing that I don't have the ability to change him, for better or for worse. I'm not his parent, I'm his wife. I don't have the power to change the habits that his parents beat into him. He has that power, not me. A good start is him not projecting his mom issues on me. Good thing he goes to therapy to work on his crap, because it's not my problem. That's his. My problem is to control my reactions when I feel hurt. That's mine. Understanding why this bothered me so much is a good start.
You know what's funny, I don't care for lies either and yet here I am, married to a man that has been lying to me our entire relationship. That isn't news to me. I've always known that he tells lies but in my rationalization all of the good greatly outweighs the lies he tells me over really dumb stuff. Lying about drinking isn't dumb, but lying about chewing tobacco is. Telling greatly exaggerated stories about how difficult it was to get out our Christmas decorations is just stupid. Lying by omission about a business related purchase that will ultimately be reimbursed is stupid too. But that's the kind of stuff he does. More than anything it's why was I tolerating it for so long and why suddenly can I not tolerate the lies at all anymore?
This is where he is at right now. He's been much more forthcoming and honest than he has been in the past few years. Lying has been a major part of his coping mechanism for his entire life and he's learning that the truth doesn't cause trouble, lies do (kind of like learning that drinking doesn't make problems go away, it actually creates MORE problems). What are my expectations here? Why would I expect him to stop lying suddenly? That's a pretty steep learning curve to expect from him. Maybe I should be a little easier on judging his recovery and focus more on mine. Why can't I just STOP being angry when I feel vulnerable? Why do I expect him to immediately figure his **** out when I'm still struggling to fully grasp my own crap?
Stupid, meaningless lies. The purchase will be reimbursed by his business. I wouldn't have been upset about the purchase in the slightest but it makes me feel like I'm not worthy of honesty if he won't tell me about it. And then I go to a "what else is he lying about" kind of place mentally. I buy stuff and I don't tell him about it, simply because I don't feel it's necessary. I don't want to be his babysitter or his mom or his keeper, but his partner. $10,000 is big enough that he should have given me a heads up either before or after. I could care less if he buys himself a new suit or new shoes and that works both ways. We both work hard, we deserve to treat ourselves in reasonable ways. But there is a certain amount that we need to communicate about and $10,000 qualifies. $100 purchases here and there, I don't care about. I do that too and for us, that's not a big deal at all.
He cannot figure out why he tells lies, but he's working on not lying anymore. When he got all of our Christmas decorations out was when he made up the huge elaborate story about how difficult it was to get everything out. Then he told me right after he told me that story he made all of that up and it was actually very painless and he didn't know why he lied about it. He has always been a big exaggerator though. He'll tell me that he had an amazing salad for lunch from Pluto's and then come to find he actually went to In N Out instead. I don't care what he eats for lunch and it won't have even been anything that would have been naturally brought up in conversation either. His lying isn't about me, it's a part of himself that he is actively working on and it is improving. For him to admit that he's lying, without provocation and without defensiveness is a huge amount of growth on his part.
For years while we were dating he was lying to his mom about regularly attending mass and all of the other things that she was calling him daily and telling him to do. Red flag there, but I didn't know what red flags were at the time.
a hidden $10,000 purchase is a pretty big thing to cover up
How does one "detach" from lies? How is that healthy?
I don't see where he had anything to fear, for any reason, there--unless he still has not told me the whole story. And that is actually more likely than not....so maybe it does all hinge on fear of my anger.
A good start is.... don't be his parent.
Personally I do not care for Lies.
It's how *we* as parents direct them in their lying that helps them form their moral compass. Children in A homes learn to lie, lie, lie. Mine was more embellishing than outright lying, because that's the lying that AM did most. I still catch myself doing it now and then, but I'm getting better.
are you dealing with major lies, or just a lot of little meaningless ones that you can't figure out why he even says them?
He cannot figure out why he tells lies, but he's working on not lying anymore. When he got all of our Christmas decorations out was when he made up the huge elaborate story about how difficult it was to get everything out. Then he told me right after he told me that story he made all of that up and it was actually very painless and he didn't know why he lied about it. He has always been a big exaggerator though. He'll tell me that he had an amazing salad for lunch from Pluto's and then come to find he actually went to In N Out instead. I don't care what he eats for lunch and it won't have even been anything that would have been naturally brought up in conversation either. His lying isn't about me, it's a part of himself that he is actively working on and it is improving. For him to admit that he's lying, without provocation and without defensiveness is a huge amount of growth on his part.
For years while we were dating he was lying to his mom about regularly attending mass and all of the other things that she was calling him daily and telling him to do. Red flag there, but I didn't know what red flags were at the time.
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Stung....Oh, wow...he is relating to you as he did his mother all those years ago....hmm..
One thing that I do know for sure, is....that where there is lots of anger...there is fear and pain underneath it. It is so much easier to feel the anger than to connect to what is underneath......
dandylion
One thing that I do know for sure, is....that where there is lots of anger...there is fear and pain underneath it. It is so much easier to feel the anger than to connect to what is underneath......
dandylion
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Stung....Oh, wow...he is relating to you as he did his mother all those years ago....hmm..
One thing that I do know for sure, is....that where there is lots of anger...there is fear and pain underneath it. It is so much easier to feel the anger than to connect to what is underneath......
dandylion
One thing that I do know for sure, is....that where there is lots of anger...there is fear and pain underneath it. It is so much easier to feel the anger than to connect to what is underneath......
dandylion
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Join Date: Aug 2009
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Not sure any of it will resonate with you. This is a share of what I felt and remembered while reading the thread. Not advice.
Up front I will say I absolutely SUCKED at detachment w/in a marriage. I'm good at detachment when I'm not entangled (I was desperate to learn the skill of detaching) but I had a real hard time with it w/in a marriage. My ex was definitely not working on anything though - he was very active in his alcoholism and going straight down. Anyway...
I absolutely went over the bend with anger (unexpressed to boot which is probably more destructive in the long run) when detachment felt like accepting the unacceptable. I could not move past simply accepting what was happening to real detachment. I had zero control over whatever 'it' was and by extension - no control over huge portions of the chaos that was my life. When I'm vulnerable I run away emotionally. My anger is tied to control, or a lack of it.
Your anger might not be the issue. It is OK to get angry. You seem to have a really good handle on the dynamics of what is going on. I work backwards to get my answers sometimes. You have space and hindsight now. If you had a do-over how would you have handled the same emotions? How would you have wanted it to play out? What would it take to get you to react that way next time? Your responses and behavior - not the feelings and emotions. For me - it takes my feelings/emotions/internal talk a long time to catch up to my behavior but if I did it the other way around I'd never get anything accomplished.
As an interesting aside to this discussion: My ex lied but it was all clearly related to feeding his alcoholism. He didn't lie much otherwise. I'm the one that lies more like you describe you husband - maybe not to quite that extent but pointless stuff that doesn't even matter. I try really hard to not be like that anymore. I've mostly stopped but it has taken time and effort. I don't think anyone would call my childhood the picket fence variety but it wasn't abusive or anything either. No worse than my own kids I don't suppose. Not sure that makes me feel any better!
Up front I will say I absolutely SUCKED at detachment w/in a marriage. I'm good at detachment when I'm not entangled (I was desperate to learn the skill of detaching) but I had a real hard time with it w/in a marriage. My ex was definitely not working on anything though - he was very active in his alcoholism and going straight down. Anyway...
I absolutely went over the bend with anger (unexpressed to boot which is probably more destructive in the long run) when detachment felt like accepting the unacceptable. I could not move past simply accepting what was happening to real detachment. I had zero control over whatever 'it' was and by extension - no control over huge portions of the chaos that was my life. When I'm vulnerable I run away emotionally. My anger is tied to control, or a lack of it.
Your anger might not be the issue. It is OK to get angry. You seem to have a really good handle on the dynamics of what is going on. I work backwards to get my answers sometimes. You have space and hindsight now. If you had a do-over how would you have handled the same emotions? How would you have wanted it to play out? What would it take to get you to react that way next time? Your responses and behavior - not the feelings and emotions. For me - it takes my feelings/emotions/internal talk a long time to catch up to my behavior but if I did it the other way around I'd never get anything accomplished.
As an interesting aside to this discussion: My ex lied but it was all clearly related to feeding his alcoholism. He didn't lie much otherwise. I'm the one that lies more like you describe you husband - maybe not to quite that extent but pointless stuff that doesn't even matter. I try really hard to not be like that anymore. I've mostly stopped but it has taken time and effort. I don't think anyone would call my childhood the picket fence variety but it wasn't abusive or anything either. No worse than my own kids I don't suppose. Not sure that makes me feel any better!
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
Posts: 2,066
Thumper, thank you so much for that!!
If I could go back, I would not have contacted him so swiftly and definitely not while I was still so upset and not over the phone. I was hurting and mad and contacting him wasn't going to make any of my hurt or anger dissipate. I could have called my sponsor, gone for a walk with my kids, meditated for a few minutes, done some sit-ups or yoga. Hell, I could have called my counselor even! I was hurting and I wanted to yell at the person that hurt me so I called my husband. After he answered I point blank told him that I was mad and I shouldn't be calling him but I was anyway so he should brace himself, then all hell broke loose. Just stupid.
I feel like I can normally self soothe and calm myself down and think through my feelings. This time I could not. But like CodeJob mentioned, the last month in our household has been really chaotic. I was in the hospital for a week and I've been slowly getting better since then and he's basically been more supportive than I think I've ever experienced even though he's still doing some of his dysfunctional crap. He really seems to thrive on helping me and having some responsibility in our home. I have a hard time giving that to him but I'm in a position where his help is actually really helpful. I feel like we're getting closer but the lies are betraying.
Today he made our daughters pizza from scratch for lunch while I was at a meeting and then he made us all dinner after going to play basketball with some of his sober friends. After doing the girls' bedtime routine he left here to go to a meeting with some of his SLE roommates. He's doing everything that he's supposed to be doing. I feel like I'm doing everything I'm supposed to be doing too. I think I just need to accept that we're both only human and are both trying to be better people and sometimes we do stupid things.
If I could go back, I would not have contacted him so swiftly and definitely not while I was still so upset and not over the phone. I was hurting and mad and contacting him wasn't going to make any of my hurt or anger dissipate. I could have called my sponsor, gone for a walk with my kids, meditated for a few minutes, done some sit-ups or yoga. Hell, I could have called my counselor even! I was hurting and I wanted to yell at the person that hurt me so I called my husband. After he answered I point blank told him that I was mad and I shouldn't be calling him but I was anyway so he should brace himself, then all hell broke loose. Just stupid.
I feel like I can normally self soothe and calm myself down and think through my feelings. This time I could not. But like CodeJob mentioned, the last month in our household has been really chaotic. I was in the hospital for a week and I've been slowly getting better since then and he's basically been more supportive than I think I've ever experienced even though he's still doing some of his dysfunctional crap. He really seems to thrive on helping me and having some responsibility in our home. I have a hard time giving that to him but I'm in a position where his help is actually really helpful. I feel like we're getting closer but the lies are betraying.
Today he made our daughters pizza from scratch for lunch while I was at a meeting and then he made us all dinner after going to play basketball with some of his sober friends. After doing the girls' bedtime routine he left here to go to a meeting with some of his SLE roommates. He's doing everything that he's supposed to be doing. I feel like I'm doing everything I'm supposed to be doing too. I think I just need to accept that we're both only human and are both trying to be better people and sometimes we do stupid things.
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