Writhing in pain.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Sometimes I just get so tired of everything. All of the aftermath of being in an abusive relationship. I hate it that I live so far away from my children. Closest is a 2 hour drive, furthest is a 4 hour drive. My mom is a plane ride away. My sister is also 2 hours away. I live out in the boonies, because that is what I can afford.
I feel like I isolated myself, but it was all I could afford. I'm doing pretty good here, it's a lot different that what I know, I never lived on my own before. I guess it is just such a big change for me because I always had family around. I get crazy because sometimes the only person I can talk to is me. Guess I can talk to the cats, which I do. Sometimes it's better then talking to me.
I have to keep reminding myself that I live in a community. I don't know how to stop isolating. Sometimes I feel like I have the word "loser" is printed on my head.
Today, I went out, just to Lowe's. Wanted to just go out and talk to the cashiers again. I do that a lot, Lowe's, or walmart. I had somewhat decided I would let my "wall" down, that perhaps I might want to meet a guy. This is big for me.
It could be my imagination, or not, I don't know. I had three guys offering to help me.
Maybe I'll think about this, maybe not. Maybe I am ready, maybe not. I was thinking about moving to another state last night. Don't know why, I started to get to know people here, so what was I doing. Trying to hide again?
I was married a long time, actually was my second marriage, boy do I have a lousy picker. I am sorry that sometimes I use this forum as my therapist. I mean, I am out, I am out for 4 years. I should be better then this, so I apologize.
((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))
amy
I feel like I isolated myself, but it was all I could afford. I'm doing pretty good here, it's a lot different that what I know, I never lived on my own before. I guess it is just such a big change for me because I always had family around. I get crazy because sometimes the only person I can talk to is me. Guess I can talk to the cats, which I do. Sometimes it's better then talking to me.
I have to keep reminding myself that I live in a community. I don't know how to stop isolating. Sometimes I feel like I have the word "loser" is printed on my head.
Today, I went out, just to Lowe's. Wanted to just go out and talk to the cashiers again. I do that a lot, Lowe's, or walmart. I had somewhat decided I would let my "wall" down, that perhaps I might want to meet a guy. This is big for me.
It could be my imagination, or not, I don't know. I had three guys offering to help me.
Maybe I'll think about this, maybe not. Maybe I am ready, maybe not. I was thinking about moving to another state last night. Don't know why, I started to get to know people here, so what was I doing. Trying to hide again?
I was married a long time, actually was my second marriage, boy do I have a lousy picker. I am sorry that sometimes I use this forum as my therapist. I mean, I am out, I am out for 4 years. I should be better then this, so I apologize.
((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))
amy
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Oh, Amy. (((more hugs))) If there's one thing I've learned, it's that healing from an abusive relationship isn't on any timeline. And sometimes my path takes me back around to something I thought I'd already dealt with, only to have it blindside me again. It often turns out that there's a little more healing I need to strengthen that area. Please be more gentle with the words you let you call yourself. (I'm kind of talking to myself here, too.)
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: The planet Earth, or at least that's what I've been told.
Posts: 130
Amy,
I don't know why, but when I read your post, it made perfect sense to look at your avatar and see that cute and lovable little pup just waiting to give love and affection.
You seem like a really loving person and I admire that but it also seems like you give the approval of others too much weight. When you live your life striving and waiting for the approval of a select group of people you inevitably set yourself up to fail.
I suffered from the same struggle as a child, but then when I got into my teens I stopped giving a sh*t. I realized that I had been trying so hard for "so and so" to like me or to earn love from this person or that person, and I wasn't even really sure that they were worth my time! I think I really started to wonder why I was striving so hard for them, but they were not striving for me.
It's good to want to give your love to people, but at the same time having a little emotional toughness is not so bad either. Sometimes you just have to say "f*** it" and live your life the way you want. Not because you're trying to get ANYONE to like you, but simply because it gives you peace and is true to who you are.
I don't know why, but when I read your post, it made perfect sense to look at your avatar and see that cute and lovable little pup just waiting to give love and affection.
You seem like a really loving person and I admire that but it also seems like you give the approval of others too much weight. When you live your life striving and waiting for the approval of a select group of people you inevitably set yourself up to fail.
I suffered from the same struggle as a child, but then when I got into my teens I stopped giving a sh*t. I realized that I had been trying so hard for "so and so" to like me or to earn love from this person or that person, and I wasn't even really sure that they were worth my time! I think I really started to wonder why I was striving so hard for them, but they were not striving for me.
It's good to want to give your love to people, but at the same time having a little emotional toughness is not so bad either. Sometimes you just have to say "f*** it" and live your life the way you want. Not because you're trying to get ANYONE to like you, but simply because it gives you peace and is true to who you are.
Baby Steps
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
Hugs amy. I'm sorry your finding yourself feeling so low and down on yourself, please be gentle on yourself. I agree with the others in that you have given so much to us on here. Your an amazing person, who thoughtful, kind and caring and so much more.
It's normal for us to not know who we are when we have spent years pleasing and turning ourselves inside out to be what someone else wants or needs. Like you I'm doing a lot of soul searching to understand who I am, the real me someone I can like and maybe love so I don't need validation from others. I'm doing this also by isolating myself I just want to be on my own and that's ok for now, but my counselling is helping. Maybe you should consider seeing a therapist.
As you've already said you have many friends who like you for who you are, try to focus on that when your feeling down about you, it's ok to wNt to be on your own at times some space to think and reflect but being so negative on yourself will only make you feel worse. Try to focus on the positive, we believe what we tell ourselves and you are most definitely not a screw up or a f*** up.
This too shall pass but please be gentle on yourself. ((((((((Hugs))))))))
It's normal for us to not know who we are when we have spent years pleasing and turning ourselves inside out to be what someone else wants or needs. Like you I'm doing a lot of soul searching to understand who I am, the real me someone I can like and maybe love so I don't need validation from others. I'm doing this also by isolating myself I just want to be on my own and that's ok for now, but my counselling is helping. Maybe you should consider seeing a therapist.
As you've already said you have many friends who like you for who you are, try to focus on that when your feeling down about you, it's ok to wNt to be on your own at times some space to think and reflect but being so negative on yourself will only make you feel worse. Try to focus on the positive, we believe what we tell ourselves and you are most definitely not a screw up or a f*** up.
This too shall pass but please be gentle on yourself. ((((((((Hugs))))))))
Baby Steps
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
Hugs amy. I'm sorry your finding yourself feeling so low and down on yourself, please be gentle on yourself. I agree with the others in that you have given so much to us on here. Your an amazing person, who thoughtful, kind and caring and so much more.
It's normal for us to not know who we are when we have spent years pleasing and turning ourselves inside out to be what someone else wants or needs. Like you I'm doing a lot of soul searching to understand who I am, the real me someone I can like and maybe love so I don't need validation from others. I'm doing this also by isolating myself I just want to be on my own and that's ok for now, but my counselling is helping. Maybe you should consider seeing a therapist.
As you've already said you have many friends who like you for who you are, try to focus on that when your feeling down about you, it's ok to wNt to be on your own at times some space to think and reflect but being so negative on yourself will only make you feel worse. Try to focus on the positive, we believe what we tell ourselves and you are most definitely not a screw up or a f*** up.
This too shall pass but please be gentle on yourself. ((((((((Hugs))))))))
It's normal for us to not know who we are when we have spent years pleasing and turning ourselves inside out to be what someone else wants or needs. Like you I'm doing a lot of soul searching to understand who I am, the real me someone I can like and maybe love so I don't need validation from others. I'm doing this also by isolating myself I just want to be on my own and that's ok for now, but my counselling is helping. Maybe you should consider seeing a therapist.
As you've already said you have many friends who like you for who you are, try to focus on that when your feeling down about you, it's ok to wNt to be on your own at times some space to think and reflect but being so negative on yourself will only make you feel worse. Try to focus on the positive, we believe what we tell ourselves and you are most definitely not a screw up or a f*** up.
This too shall pass but please be gentle on yourself. ((((((((Hugs))))))))
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 138
Hi Amy, I hope you are feeling a little better.
Like others I just wanted to offer a few words of support that I am here, and I don't know you personally but I can see from your own struggles in the past and how you have found your way through those and in addition offer such compassion and support to many of us here the world would be a better place with a few more Amy's that's for sure.
Sending you hugs x
Like others I just wanted to offer a few words of support that I am here, and I don't know you personally but I can see from your own struggles in the past and how you have found your way through those and in addition offer such compassion and support to many of us here the world would be a better place with a few more Amy's that's for sure.
Sending you hugs x
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
Amy, when I have depression that won't leave, I know I have to see someone to get me medicated and talk me through it. Otherwise I will pin my bad feelings on all the bad things that have happened to me and all of my character defaults. The truth is that I've had a choppy life like so many people, and I have issues, but I am loved and liked. When the jerk brain is doing the talking for me, I need to stage a little intervention.
I think this is your jerk-brain chemistry talking, not you.
I think this is your jerk-brain chemistry talking, not you.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
There are no "shoulds" in healing, friend. You heal at your own pace, and even when it feels hairpullingly slow, you can't push the pace past what you are capable of.
Me too.
When I was married to an A, I felt like the part that was "me" crawled into this "panic room" that I had built somewhere in the center of me. Convincing her that it's safe to come out now has taken -- over four years. And she still runs right back in there at the slightest fear.
I once had a neighbor -- when I lived out in the boonies -- who adopted a dog, a little Papillion girl, from a shelter. The dog had lived in the city, and she was terrified of everything in the country. She refused to go outside when it was windy because the leaves blowing around were really scary to her.
There are days I feel a bit like that dog. The trauma of abuse sits deeply and still affects me. I hate it. I want to be "normal" but I'm not. I wish there was an easy button, a pill to take.
And I'm happy you -- as you say -- use SR as your therapist. Your posts are always thought-provoking and naked and make me think and feel more deeply. And for that, I thank you.
Sometimes I just get so tired of everything. All of the aftermath of being in an abusive relationship.
When I was married to an A, I felt like the part that was "me" crawled into this "panic room" that I had built somewhere in the center of me. Convincing her that it's safe to come out now has taken -- over four years. And she still runs right back in there at the slightest fear.
I once had a neighbor -- when I lived out in the boonies -- who adopted a dog, a little Papillion girl, from a shelter. The dog had lived in the city, and she was terrified of everything in the country. She refused to go outside when it was windy because the leaves blowing around were really scary to her.
There are days I feel a bit like that dog. The trauma of abuse sits deeply and still affects me. I hate it. I want to be "normal" but I'm not. I wish there was an easy button, a pill to take.
And I'm happy you -- as you say -- use SR as your therapist. Your posts are always thought-provoking and naked and make me think and feel more deeply. And for that, I thank you.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
How did I miss this post!
Well, coming in now.
Honey, you are a wonderful person with a wonderful heart. You give me support and encouragement, as well as tons of others here at SR. You open your heart and let others look in for the hopes that sharing what you have went through will help them, and it does.
You are so much more than you give yourself credit for. So your in a bit of a slump. I think that is easy to happen right at the holidays and during the winter.
Chin up. We love you for who you are, and we will never stop.
XXX
Well, coming in now.
Honey, you are a wonderful person with a wonderful heart. You give me support and encouragement, as well as tons of others here at SR. You open your heart and let others look in for the hopes that sharing what you have went through will help them, and it does.
You are so much more than you give yourself credit for. So your in a bit of a slump. I think that is easy to happen right at the holidays and during the winter.
Chin up. We love you for who you are, and we will never stop.
XXX
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
[QUOTE=Florence;5122607]Amy, when I have depression that won't leave, I know I have to see someone to get me medicated and talk me through it. Otherwise I will pin my bad feelings on all the bad things that have happened to me and all of my character defaults. The truth is that I've had a choppy life like so many people, and I have issues, but I am loved and liked. When the jerk brain is doing the talking for me, I need to stage a little intervention.
I think this is your jerk-brain chemistry talking, not you.[/QUOTE
Florence you nailed this one. It was my jerk brain talking to me again. Oh why doesn't that jerk brain go away.
Actually spent the last few days talking to myself again. Why oh why do I talk to myself? I don't know if I told you here that my ex moved to North Carolina, so if anyone is in that area, well..................
OK, out of the blue, my oldest daughter started to call me. I don't mean one phone call. My oldest daughter if anyone followed my story is the one that tried to put a Restraining Order on me because of this stupid birthday party, where I had asked if I could be invited and not my ex because my mom was coming in from Florida for that.
Well, she has called me 4 times since NYE. My ex moved to NC effective 1/1/2015. She is now trying to involve me in all aspects of her life. I don't want to be there. I know that I wanted to be closer to my children, but for some reason, perhaps not this one, even though I love her.
I think I was future tripping and having panic attacks. I didn't know what I was feeling then, I just had this really horrific feeling.
I think I identified what it was now. She is the one that I live closest to. She always had my ex to run to when she wanted to get away, and of course with him living at the NJ shore, it's a perfect place to go. She doesn't have that now. She has me, and I don't know if I am really happy with this.
I remember when I went to court with her about the RO. I have always had good, compassionate lawyers. She went totally nuts outside of the courtroom, and my attorney told me that "you should be careful, she is out to destroy you".
There were more things that went on this year, found out my sister told my daughter that I never wanted her, etc..... we talked about that, but I just don't trust my daughter.
amy
I think this is your jerk-brain chemistry talking, not you.[/QUOTE
Florence you nailed this one. It was my jerk brain talking to me again. Oh why doesn't that jerk brain go away.
Actually spent the last few days talking to myself again. Why oh why do I talk to myself? I don't know if I told you here that my ex moved to North Carolina, so if anyone is in that area, well..................
OK, out of the blue, my oldest daughter started to call me. I don't mean one phone call. My oldest daughter if anyone followed my story is the one that tried to put a Restraining Order on me because of this stupid birthday party, where I had asked if I could be invited and not my ex because my mom was coming in from Florida for that.
Well, she has called me 4 times since NYE. My ex moved to NC effective 1/1/2015. She is now trying to involve me in all aspects of her life. I don't want to be there. I know that I wanted to be closer to my children, but for some reason, perhaps not this one, even though I love her.
I think I was future tripping and having panic attacks. I didn't know what I was feeling then, I just had this really horrific feeling.
I think I identified what it was now. She is the one that I live closest to. She always had my ex to run to when she wanted to get away, and of course with him living at the NJ shore, it's a perfect place to go. She doesn't have that now. She has me, and I don't know if I am really happy with this.
I remember when I went to court with her about the RO. I have always had good, compassionate lawyers. She went totally nuts outside of the courtroom, and my attorney told me that "you should be careful, she is out to destroy you".
There were more things that went on this year, found out my sister told my daughter that I never wanted her, etc..... we talked about that, but I just don't trust my daughter.
amy
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 765
Hi Amy
We listen to sad songs and get into self-pity because we are addicted to our depression.
Actually, our egos are addicted to negative feelings, not our hearts.
Our True Selves (who we are) come out in the steps.
It's like we unzip a bear suit and step out of it.
The only thing that worked for me as an Alanon however was doing the work in AA's Big Book.
We listen to sad songs and get into self-pity because we are addicted to our depression.
Actually, our egos are addicted to negative feelings, not our hearts.
Our True Selves (who we are) come out in the steps.
It's like we unzip a bear suit and step out of it.
The only thing that worked for me as an Alanon however was doing the work in AA's Big Book.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I think you should embrace the idea of getting out into the community more. Form friendships and relationships outside of your family. Your daughter has brought you so much hurt, and I can hear the anxiety in your posts when you speak of her. It's ok to love someone from a distance, perfectly ok.
Get out in your community, get involved in something. Take a class you like. Go to a church group. Do something good, for you!
Tight hugs my dear friend!
Get out in your community, get involved in something. Take a class you like. Go to a church group. Do something good, for you!
Tight hugs my dear friend!
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