walkinganewpath

Have had minimal contact with AH since Sunday night when I dumped all my anger out at him in a bit of a scathing text. Apologized the next morning for being so harsh and for venting my anger in a text and I said that it was really not the right way to go about any of that. I didn't apologize for what I said though...

His reply that night was OK Goodnight. After that we've talked once maybe twice a day sticking only to the subject of his dad's condition, the kids and a little pleasant peripheral. The past two days conversation is even more stinted/stilted (?? right word??).

AH is in FL helping his dad deal with heart issues - needs an aortic valve replacement. The day that arose AH was hammered (New Years Day) and jumped on the crazy bus with all three of us basically hostage in the back seat. I'm realizing now what a totally dysfunctional crazy land day that was. He turned into a blubbering, sobbing, 'm so sorry, I'll never see him again, etc, etc, please get him to FL now (uh yeah 7pm on a holiday - 3 hours to JFK and you're drunk to boot - let's wait til the morning ok???)

So now for the past 5 days I've been alone with the kids and you know what? It's peaceful....oh oh yes I love that it is peaceful but oh damn it hurts so much to realize why it's peaceful...

Wow...oh wow...sometimes it slams me to the ground how much of my life is crazy and how much I've normalized it until the recent past. Of course I also think that it has progressed as well in that timeframe. If I hadn't been here at SR, going to Al-Anon and in therapy I would really be losing it.

So my therapist today commented that I seem to be treading water - not moving ahead but not back and not sinking either.

She commended me for the not sinking. Then slammed with "are you making the choice right now to keep treading?"

ooohh ok...actually I am making that choice 'right now' subject to change at any point though. He has not yet scared me but he has been progressing into that next level of alcoholism that I have learned about here and through AA/Al-Anon. So the chaos level has increased as a result. I think I've got most of that digested but am still circling it in some regards.

I just don't know what is going on in our relationship and I realize very intellectually and even with my heart that at the current moment it isn't something that I can or need to address. But it makes me scared and sad at the same time.

ardy

Hi Walking... when my Pop was gone .. it was always better.. Mom would read to us.. we all cooked in the kitchen together.. but in the dark of the night I would hear her crying..
this is a dark path that has some light at the end..maybe thro this test of Family with his Father he will find a better peace and knowledge of what is truely important to him and you and the kids... and you will be given the ability to think and watch and have a choice for a better life with your children..
that my dear only God and Angels and you can put into the works.. prayers Hope and love ardy...

lillamy

Smart therapist. That thought right there was kinda hard for me to wrap my head around. I thought leaving was a choice, and staying was just going on with things as usual. When I sort of figured out that staying meant choosing to tread water, my thinking kind of shifted. Every day I stayed was a choice.

walkinganewpath

Thank you Ardy for your encouragement and for sharing your point of view from being a kid with alcoholism in your house.

While the kids are I are living in this house with him I need to find ways to calm and center myself (detach!!!!) and show the kids some calmer evenings.

Thanks...

walkinganewpath

Amy I agree that the whole 'staying' thing seems like not a choice but a lack of decision making. I am changing the way I've viewed that before.

I like the way she asked the question and I realized that I'm not just delaying I really am choosing to stay, to keep working on my own issues, responses, reactions, etc.

I do know that he can't just decide to not drink. He really needs to detox again and then really work some kind of program and have a plan. Whether or not he gets there before there is nothing left of our relationship to salvage I just don't know. But right now there is still time.

So even though I know I am powerless of what he does I have power in that I do have a CHOICE in how I respond/react to that.

thanks again both of you for sharing

hopeful4

You are so right. I remember this all the time, and tell my kids too, you cannot control how someone acts, but you can control how you react. And you don't have to know what will happen tomorrow, today. Just concentrate on getting through this moment. I think a lot of us, myself included, have a very unhealthy habit of future tripping. It leads to horrible anxiety and is not healthy.

Ultimately, none of us know what the future holds. Once we learn how to go through a moment at a time, much more peace comes into our lives.

Tight hugs.

freetosmile

Yikes!

Treading water! That almost gave me the chills because I feel that is exactly where I am at. I haven't heard the term as applied to my codependency.

It is true though, and I am consciously doing it. I KNOW I could make a move but right now I am not.

That sucks too, because then we start getting pissed at ourselves. At least I do anyway. Thinking I'm a coward or whatever.
I can relate about the peace thing too. AH is in treatment and it has been pretty laid back, and it IS sad to think of why.

I'm working hard at getting over that sadness and not being so REACTIVE to EVERYTHING he says, does, feels, etc.

Those are HIS feelings, not ours. We need to focus on OUR feelings, OUR words, OUR behavior. Only then can we detach from the "THEY THEY THEY".

Hugs to you! Hang in there