Writhing in pain.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Writhing in pain.
What is wrong with me. I am divorced for over 4 years. This is the first time in my life that I was ever alone. I am trying to like me, but I don't. I look at all the mistakes that I made in my life and I don't like me.
Who am I? I don't even know !!! Was I the person that my first ex wanted , or am I the person that he my second ex wanted, or was I the person that just wanted to prove to my parents that I wasn't a mistake. ????
I was so happy during the holidaze, was with people who made me feel welcomed. People who liked me for the "me" that I don't even know that I have. I'm a total phoney, I am a perfectionist, I will do whatever I have to so someone likes me.
Oh, talk about fear of rejection and abandonment, I have that by the truck load.
I know I should take me to therapy. I know people like me, it just wasn't the ones that I wanted to really like me. I wanted my parents to like me, my siblings to like me, my husbands to like me. My mom does like me, my sisters do also now, or maybe they always did. I just don't know.
I wanted my children to love me. I love them so much.
So tonight I am listening to Natalie Imbruglia, "Torn"
Why do I keep putting myself into depression? I could have gone out tonight. Could have been with friends. Why do I keep isolating myself? Why am I so afraid to meet people?
Why didn't I heal yet? I was never like this.
No responses needed, just had to get this out here.
((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
amy
Who am I? I don't even know !!! Was I the person that my first ex wanted , or am I the person that he my second ex wanted, or was I the person that just wanted to prove to my parents that I wasn't a mistake. ????
I was so happy during the holidaze, was with people who made me feel welcomed. People who liked me for the "me" that I don't even know that I have. I'm a total phoney, I am a perfectionist, I will do whatever I have to so someone likes me.
Oh, talk about fear of rejection and abandonment, I have that by the truck load.
I know I should take me to therapy. I know people like me, it just wasn't the ones that I wanted to really like me. I wanted my parents to like me, my siblings to like me, my husbands to like me. My mom does like me, my sisters do also now, or maybe they always did. I just don't know.
I wanted my children to love me. I love them so much.
So tonight I am listening to Natalie Imbruglia, "Torn"
Why do I keep putting myself into depression? I could have gone out tonight. Could have been with friends. Why do I keep isolating myself? Why am I so afraid to meet people?
Why didn't I heal yet? I was never like this.
No responses needed, just had to get this out here.
((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
amy
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Join Date: Mar 2014
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Hugs to you Miss Amy! You have been a God Sent to me on SR. Thank you for that.
I know you said not to respond, but I couldn't help it
Obviously I'm not speaking from any length of recovery here, but when I left my ex, I spent about two years "soul searching". I never went out.
I did listen to a lot of "depressing" music and all that. I had to find a scrap of me somewhere. Obviously, I didn't do this long enough.
I think it's a good idea that us as "people pleasers" stay home for a good long while. That's just me though. I think we really should find ourselves before we just think we can go out and enjoy ourselves. How do we enjoy ourselves if we don't even know ourselves?
I'm not saying hermit yourself away. I'm just saying, don't get down on yourself for not hanging out with friends all the time. Unless it's causing you MORE damage. When I was alone, I taught myself how to play the guitar, I learned how to knit, and I wrote. I wrote ALOT. I built a whole little world on my computer and wrote a short novel. It was fun.
You are awesome and I LOOK for your responses to my threads because of your kindness, compassion, and understanding.
Cheer up friend! You have alot to offer.
I know you said not to respond, but I couldn't help it
Obviously I'm not speaking from any length of recovery here, but when I left my ex, I spent about two years "soul searching". I never went out.
I did listen to a lot of "depressing" music and all that. I had to find a scrap of me somewhere. Obviously, I didn't do this long enough.
I think it's a good idea that us as "people pleasers" stay home for a good long while. That's just me though. I think we really should find ourselves before we just think we can go out and enjoy ourselves. How do we enjoy ourselves if we don't even know ourselves?
I'm not saying hermit yourself away. I'm just saying, don't get down on yourself for not hanging out with friends all the time. Unless it's causing you MORE damage. When I was alone, I taught myself how to play the guitar, I learned how to knit, and I wrote. I wrote ALOT. I built a whole little world on my computer and wrote a short novel. It was fun.
You are awesome and I LOOK for your responses to my threads because of your kindness, compassion, and understanding.
Cheer up friend! You have alot to offer.
Last edited by freetosmile; 01-04-2015 at 04:58 PM. Reason: double
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Location: My mind wanders a lot, but I try to stay in the present.
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I don't know who you are to other people Amy, but I know who you are to me. You're the person I can count on to fight the good fight here on SR again and again and again. To always say the right thing when it's needed.
You're words here carry a lot of weight. A lot of weight. A since this forum is a world where we view people by there words alone that's not a small thing.
I hate that you're in pain, and I hope it's only a cycle that you're going through. Just know that you mean a lot to me, and I think you're truly a remarkable person.
You're words here carry a lot of weight. A lot of weight. A since this forum is a world where we view people by there words alone that's not a small thing.
I hate that you're in pain, and I hope it's only a cycle that you're going through. Just know that you mean a lot to me, and I think you're truly a remarkable person.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Amy, I can relate to a lot of what you're saying. Most of my relationships have been wrong my entire life because I didn't look for someone who made me happy and loved me for me -- I looked for someone who could give me something else (status, career, money, circumstances I thought I wanted) and then I tried to become who they wanted me to be. And then I resented that they didn't love me. But even I wasn't sure who I was.
I'm beginning to reclaim myself, but it's a difficult, painful, and depressing process.
I think the most important thing for me has been to forgive myself. Forgive myself for all the stupid mistakes, all the wasted time, all the years I could have been myself and attracted people who liked me and repelled people who didn't, and had an authentic life.
It's not too late. We're still here, we're still alive and kicking, and we can still have that authentic life.(((hugs)))
I'm beginning to reclaim myself, but it's a difficult, painful, and depressing process.
I think the most important thing for me has been to forgive myself. Forgive myself for all the stupid mistakes, all the wasted time, all the years I could have been myself and attracted people who liked me and repelled people who didn't, and had an authentic life.
It's not too late. We're still here, we're still alive and kicking, and we can still have that authentic life.(((hugs)))
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
I am a total screw up and a f up. I wrote a response in word and and I lost that. I just can't do anything right.
----------------------------------------------------------
I was typing this about 15 minutes ago. A defeatist attitude at it's best. That's not what this forum is about.
I didn't want to erase it either, this is when we come to SR.
I'm at a really low point tonight. I came here instead. I don't know what I am talking about, but some might understand.
Thanks for being here
(((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))
amy
----------------------------------------------------------
I was typing this about 15 minutes ago. A defeatist attitude at it's best. That's not what this forum is about.
I didn't want to erase it either, this is when we come to SR.
I'm at a really low point tonight. I came here instead. I don't know what I am talking about, but some might understand.
Thanks for being here
(((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))
amy
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
My only real stability has been SR. I'm not leaving here, just think I am leaving where I am. I loved my house as we were healing together, perhaps, it's time to let go.
(((((hugs)))))
amy
(((((hugs)))))
amy
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
((((hugs))))) Amy!
I hope you realize what a strong, solid supporter you are to many here. Your willingness to be open and vulnerable, even with the hard stuff, is so helpful.
I hope you feel our hugs tonight. It will get better. (((hugs)))
I hope you realize what a strong, solid supporter you are to many here. Your willingness to be open and vulnerable, even with the hard stuff, is so helpful.
I hope you feel our hugs tonight. It will get better. (((hugs)))
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 322
Amy, I can relate to every single thing you've said. I was raised by two alcoholic parents - a depressed, alcoholic mother and an abusive alcoholic father who adopted me when he married my mom when I was five. My biological father went on to remarry and have 4 more children that he stuck by and raised. Although I have a relationship with my siblings now (met them at 18) and love them, I still don't even count as a blip on the radar to my biological father. He once told me when I asked him for help that he couldn't help me because he had "his kids" to take care of. How's that for a smack in the face? I don't think I really even care at this point, but the fact that my children come way far behind his children's children - well, that pisses me off to no end.
I've been with nothing except alcoholics and addicts my entire life - from my very first, horribly abusive alcoholic boyfriend at 15 right up through my fiance that I just left. They talk about alcoholics hitting their bottom...well, I hit mine with this last relationship because the pain just got to be too much to take and the denial of the pain in my life and all of the horrible relationship choices that I've made became too much to continue to ignore. 3 years ago this month my alcoholic/addict ex-husband and I split up. Last month I was making wedding plans to marry another alcoholic! I get not knowing who you are and how life got to be so messy, trust me on this!
Please cut yourself some slack Amy. Bad days are going to happen, but it's ok. You have to give yourself some room to grieve. It's hard, I know. It's so hard to look at it all. It's part of the process and I also hate this part of the process. The process isn't an easy one, but it's one that we must go through if we want to get to the other side.
I sat in my 2nd ever alanon meeting tonight trying to listen to people speak and I could NOT focus. I felt like my brain was being attacked by a million thoughts, none of them good.
Why is everyone so much farther on their recovery path than I am?
I don't know who I am. Who the hell am I?
What is normal? I don't know what normal is.
What do I feel right now? Nothingness, numbness.
Do I know how to feel anger? Do I really feel anger when I'm angry or am I just reacting the only way I know how to react? Was I ever allowed to be angry as a kid? No, I wasn't allowed to have any emotions as a kid.
What the EFF is wrong with my parents? Selfish, alcoholic b*stards.
No wait, I love my mom. She had me as a kid. She grew up with alcoholic parents. It's not her fault.
Is it her fault? Why didn't she protect me from my dad? I hate her. No wait, I love her. Why am I mad at my mom when my dad did most of the damage. No, wait, she was an alcoholic too.
WHAT DO I FEEL?!!! I DON'T FEEL! I don't know how to feel. I go through the motions of what I think I'm supposed to feel. I'm a fake. I fake everything. I fake love, emotions, everything!!
Did I love my ex-fiance or did I just do what I was raised to do? Why did I feel like I loved him, but feel smothered at the same time? Why do I always think I want love until I get it and then feel like I have to get away from it as fast as I can?
I'm a bad mother. No wait, I'd die for my kids and try to be exactly the opposite of what my parents were. I'm a good mother. Am I screwing my kids up? The oldest two are in good shape, but oh God, the little one! I'm going to screw her up, I know it. I don't pay enough attention to her because of what I'm going through. I'm a horrible person. I'm a horrible mother. Why did God give me kids? I don't deserve them.
I'm a control freak. I have to control everything. I have ZERO control. My control is an illusion. I have to have control. I'm not ready to give it up....but why not, in reality, I don't have any. I can't even control myself at this point.
And on, and on, and on it went....
This, Amy, is just a small window into my mind tonight as I sat in alanon. These are thoughts that I grapple with every single day. These thoughts were always there, however, tying myself up with the neediest of the needy my entire life helped distract me from these thoughts. Now, I have no distraction. Now I have to face them head on. I don't know how and I don't know if I'm doing any of it the right way, but I'm doing the very best I can with what I have and I'm trying like hell to find the answers. That is all we can do. The best we can with what we have. We're going to trip...there's a lot of rocks to navigate in this path, but we have to keep walking.
Stop, cry and fall apart and catch your breath if you need to, but don't stay there. This is probably the hardest thing we'll ever do in our lives, but we're doing it. It's hard to see the progress sometimes, but we're making it. Sometimes we can stay one step ahead of our vicious minds. Other days, we can't and may feel like there is no way out of the craziness that is our lives. I have to believe that these are normal reactions to abnormal situations.
Keep fighting Amy. You're not fighting alone. You're much less alone than you could ever imagine. Those 2 alanon rooms that I've been in so far have been filled! They had to go find more chairs tonight and this was a BIG room. We're not fighting the battle alone dear friend.
This healing process is scary. It's different. So vastly different than what we're used to. Different is terrifying to people like us. That is one thing I know for sure. The alcoholic craziness is what we know. It's bad for us, but it's comfortable to us in our own sick way. We have to learn a whole entire new way of life and that, in and of itself, is probably as frightening as it gets! Many times I catch myself thinking "well, I could go back. It might not be so bad. It'll temporarily erase all of this pain." But no, temporary isn't what I'm looking for anymore. I want the pain to be erased permanently and I've FINALLY realized that me, and only me, can be the person to do that. Just like we can't fix it for the alcoholic, nobody else can fix it for us either. This is our battle Amy, and we ARE going to win it. We'll be knocked down here and there, but we WILL fight, and win, this battle.
Hugs. You're going to be ok. We're all here for you.
I've been with nothing except alcoholics and addicts my entire life - from my very first, horribly abusive alcoholic boyfriend at 15 right up through my fiance that I just left. They talk about alcoholics hitting their bottom...well, I hit mine with this last relationship because the pain just got to be too much to take and the denial of the pain in my life and all of the horrible relationship choices that I've made became too much to continue to ignore. 3 years ago this month my alcoholic/addict ex-husband and I split up. Last month I was making wedding plans to marry another alcoholic! I get not knowing who you are and how life got to be so messy, trust me on this!
Please cut yourself some slack Amy. Bad days are going to happen, but it's ok. You have to give yourself some room to grieve. It's hard, I know. It's so hard to look at it all. It's part of the process and I also hate this part of the process. The process isn't an easy one, but it's one that we must go through if we want to get to the other side.
I sat in my 2nd ever alanon meeting tonight trying to listen to people speak and I could NOT focus. I felt like my brain was being attacked by a million thoughts, none of them good.
Why is everyone so much farther on their recovery path than I am?
I don't know who I am. Who the hell am I?
What is normal? I don't know what normal is.
What do I feel right now? Nothingness, numbness.
Do I know how to feel anger? Do I really feel anger when I'm angry or am I just reacting the only way I know how to react? Was I ever allowed to be angry as a kid? No, I wasn't allowed to have any emotions as a kid.
What the EFF is wrong with my parents? Selfish, alcoholic b*stards.
No wait, I love my mom. She had me as a kid. She grew up with alcoholic parents. It's not her fault.
Is it her fault? Why didn't she protect me from my dad? I hate her. No wait, I love her. Why am I mad at my mom when my dad did most of the damage. No, wait, she was an alcoholic too.
WHAT DO I FEEL?!!! I DON'T FEEL! I don't know how to feel. I go through the motions of what I think I'm supposed to feel. I'm a fake. I fake everything. I fake love, emotions, everything!!
Did I love my ex-fiance or did I just do what I was raised to do? Why did I feel like I loved him, but feel smothered at the same time? Why do I always think I want love until I get it and then feel like I have to get away from it as fast as I can?
I'm a bad mother. No wait, I'd die for my kids and try to be exactly the opposite of what my parents were. I'm a good mother. Am I screwing my kids up? The oldest two are in good shape, but oh God, the little one! I'm going to screw her up, I know it. I don't pay enough attention to her because of what I'm going through. I'm a horrible person. I'm a horrible mother. Why did God give me kids? I don't deserve them.
I'm a control freak. I have to control everything. I have ZERO control. My control is an illusion. I have to have control. I'm not ready to give it up....but why not, in reality, I don't have any. I can't even control myself at this point.
And on, and on, and on it went....
This, Amy, is just a small window into my mind tonight as I sat in alanon. These are thoughts that I grapple with every single day. These thoughts were always there, however, tying myself up with the neediest of the needy my entire life helped distract me from these thoughts. Now, I have no distraction. Now I have to face them head on. I don't know how and I don't know if I'm doing any of it the right way, but I'm doing the very best I can with what I have and I'm trying like hell to find the answers. That is all we can do. The best we can with what we have. We're going to trip...there's a lot of rocks to navigate in this path, but we have to keep walking.
Stop, cry and fall apart and catch your breath if you need to, but don't stay there. This is probably the hardest thing we'll ever do in our lives, but we're doing it. It's hard to see the progress sometimes, but we're making it. Sometimes we can stay one step ahead of our vicious minds. Other days, we can't and may feel like there is no way out of the craziness that is our lives. I have to believe that these are normal reactions to abnormal situations.
Keep fighting Amy. You're not fighting alone. You're much less alone than you could ever imagine. Those 2 alanon rooms that I've been in so far have been filled! They had to go find more chairs tonight and this was a BIG room. We're not fighting the battle alone dear friend.
This healing process is scary. It's different. So vastly different than what we're used to. Different is terrifying to people like us. That is one thing I know for sure. The alcoholic craziness is what we know. It's bad for us, but it's comfortable to us in our own sick way. We have to learn a whole entire new way of life and that, in and of itself, is probably as frightening as it gets! Many times I catch myself thinking "well, I could go back. It might not be so bad. It'll temporarily erase all of this pain." But no, temporary isn't what I'm looking for anymore. I want the pain to be erased permanently and I've FINALLY realized that me, and only me, can be the person to do that. Just like we can't fix it for the alcoholic, nobody else can fix it for us either. This is our battle Amy, and we ARE going to win it. We'll be knocked down here and there, but we WILL fight, and win, this battle.
Hugs. You're going to be ok. We're all here for you.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: South Central USA
Posts: 1,478
Ahh Amy, don't beat up my friend who has been such a huge helpful listening ear in my time of trouble! You have reached out to me and I'm forever grateful, so be nice to yourself, you are worthy of all those things you desire and it's obvious you have them...it's just a feeling in the moment and it will pass. HUGS sweet girl!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I just want to give you ((((((((((hugs)))))))))). Thank you for getting it all out.
It is crazy how we try to be the perfect person. From childhood on, then we still try to do this. While people take advantage of us.
You do know that I will always be there for you, right. You are me, and I am you. Thank you for your response.
Always here for you...............
((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))
amy
It is crazy how we try to be the perfect person. From childhood on, then we still try to do this. While people take advantage of us.
You do know that I will always be there for you, right. You are me, and I am you. Thank you for your response.
Always here for you...............
((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))
amy
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
I think many of us come to this one time or the other. I would really like to thank Flipped for opening up like that. I don't know, but I do know that I will be OK, I don't know how I would have been without your guys.
Thank you so much for being here. I appreciate each and everyone of you.
amy
(((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))
Thank you so much for being here. I appreciate each and everyone of you.
amy
(((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
Hang in there, Amy. Many of us have valleys of depression that we fall into now and then. That's the bad news. The good news is that we can climb out again and feel better. And know that what we feel when we are in the valley is not real; it is far exaggerated in intensity and far more despondent than reality dictates. In truth, we are much better than we perceive ourselves to be.
You are as much the real woman who enjoyed the holidays and being welcomed and treasured by those around you as you are the woman in tonight's depression.
Best to try to stop thinking and processing all these negative thoughts and just go to bed and wake up happier. You are in a downward emotional spiral, and you need to take an action to stop that cycle. Learn where to intervene and how to, and you can get that spiral going back up again.
Go to sleep... take a walk in the morning... get a jump rope... get those endorphins going from exercise... eat chocolate... play the liveliest happiest music you have, and play it loud... borrow a cuddly dog and take it for a walk and it will kiss you... find somebody needier than you feel and give something to them... call your pastor... put an elastic band on your wrist and allow yourself 10 minutes of sorrow each hour and promise yourself to wait until the next hour to feel blue again... bake cupcakes and decorate them and deliver them to the elderly... Whatever it takes. This mood is transitory. It will pass. You will feel better soon.
If you haven't talked to your doctor about medication for depression, it would be worth doing so as would talking regularly to a therapist.
And I have a ladder that I keep just especially for climbing out of these deep emotional holes, and I have lent it to many friends, and will lend it to you, if you want. Just holler, and I, and we all here at SR will hear you. And being heard and being reassured is the first step out of that hole. And we are here and we hear.
ShootingStar1
You are as much the real woman who enjoyed the holidays and being welcomed and treasured by those around you as you are the woman in tonight's depression.
Best to try to stop thinking and processing all these negative thoughts and just go to bed and wake up happier. You are in a downward emotional spiral, and you need to take an action to stop that cycle. Learn where to intervene and how to, and you can get that spiral going back up again.
Go to sleep... take a walk in the morning... get a jump rope... get those endorphins going from exercise... eat chocolate... play the liveliest happiest music you have, and play it loud... borrow a cuddly dog and take it for a walk and it will kiss you... find somebody needier than you feel and give something to them... call your pastor... put an elastic band on your wrist and allow yourself 10 minutes of sorrow each hour and promise yourself to wait until the next hour to feel blue again... bake cupcakes and decorate them and deliver them to the elderly... Whatever it takes. This mood is transitory. It will pass. You will feel better soon.
If you haven't talked to your doctor about medication for depression, it would be worth doing so as would talking regularly to a therapist.
And I have a ladder that I keep just especially for climbing out of these deep emotional holes, and I have lent it to many friends, and will lend it to you, if you want. Just holler, and I, and we all here at SR will hear you. And being heard and being reassured is the first step out of that hole. And we are here and we hear.
ShootingStar1
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
you know, sometimes my posts are just for venting, sometime they are are more for connecting.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was a bad mood tonight, but there are others out there who need more help then me.
((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))
amy
I was a bad mood tonight, but there are others out there who need more help then me.
((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))
amy
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Thank you Shooting star, I always listen to your words, then are the calm in the storm for me. You just have that way with people. God Bless you.
I will remember everything that you wrote. Thank you for being you.
(((((hugs)))))
amy
I will remember everything that you wrote. Thank you for being you.
(((((hugs)))))
amy
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