Butterfly

Amy there has been a lot of third party involvement from his so called friend who tells his ex wife all this complete cr&p as he knows she will tell me. I have told her to not tell me anything else I really don't want to know

amy55

Lexie,

We need someone like you here to give us that kick in the butt that we need sometimes.

It is very hard to understand this dynamic of DV. Sometimes you need to go through it.

My ex was a "runner". He did this many times to me. This is what caused the most psychological damage to me. Then he would come back home. I don't know which was worse, when he left and I didn't know where he was or even what he did, or when he would be in the house and just completely ignore me.

It made me feel like I was in a straight jacket, with duct tape on my mouth. That I couldn't speak, I couldn't move, all I could do was see. I remember feeling like I wasn't alive, I didn't exist. I at time would rake my fingernails across my forehead to feel the pain, to know that I did actually exist. It's infuriating. That feeling of despair, isolation, rejection, abandonment, feeling like you have no control, no voice, you have nothing, it's just so hard to even imagine.

At times I didn't care, or should I say, I would actually prefer if he screamed at me, cursed at me, hit me, because then I would know that he saw me, that I did exist.

This is the #1 thing I blame the most for my PTSD, and panic attacks.

Butterfly ----------more ((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))for you.
amy

Butterfly

Amy what he put you through sounds horrendous and definitely DV. I'm not sure how he has or is treating me is dv.

I think you deserve the tight hugs more than me ((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))

LexieCat

I trust you, amy, to tell the truth about your experience. I'll readily admit that as much as I DO know about DV from my many conversations with victims, I still learn new things--hear about experiences I never heard before--and I want to understand them. Because they ARE real--the fact that I, or someone else, doesn't "get it" doesn't mean it isn't real.

So I appreciate your patience in 'splainin' it to me in a way I can try to understand better. I need to know this so I can do my job and help others in law enforcement and the advocacy community do their jobs helping victims.

amy55

and that's why I appreciate it so much that you are here.

(((((((((hugs))))))
amy

AnvilheadII

it was as if he didn't know me or I dont exist anymore!!

let's stick with the FACTS....he drove past you. he didn't acknowledge you.
that's IT.

he does know and you do exist WHETHER HE ACKNOWLEDGES YOU OR NOT.

i imagine there might be a similar type of post if he DID smile and wave...you'd STILL be trying to read more into it than there is. squeezing blood out of a turnip and all that.

LexieCat

This is true, too. I drive a car, therefore I am.

Once more, Butterfly, read the message in your avatar. Whatever he tries to do, however he tries to make you feel, "your value doesn't decrease based on someone's inability to see your worth." Nor his inability/refusal to "see you" at all.

Hurt feelings and all, it is just the silent version of quacking. Imagine a duck in a silent movie. If a duck quacks behind the wheel of a car, and no one is there to hear it, is it still a load of crap? You betcha.

amy55

That's really good. I remember asking my friend to tell me one thing, and one thing only. Just if he was there to let me know that so that I did not have to worry about him coming home that night. Mine always showed up the minute I started getting better. It was like he had some d@mn radar on how I was feeling.

With him telling your daughter that, he was trying to get a reaction from you. He may have even timed it today so that you would see him.

They do know what they are doing.

((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
amy

Hawkeye13

This is what I mean by "triangulation" Butterfly.
He uses a third party to get a response from you.

It's bad enough he does it with friends,
but it is very wrong to use his children to get "at" you instead of
being a grown up and just talking to you directly.

I'm glad to hear you don't want contact with him right now.
That's healthy since you don't look for healing from the one who hurts you.

Actions speak so much louder than words, don't they?
Ignoring you, using his children and friends to manipulate you,
continuing to drink--all of these actions really do let you know
the truth of who he is and where he is in his addiction.
And that's about him and his life choices, not you.
It seems like you are finally beginning to really "get" that, aren't you?

sosadandhurt

I too am in the midst of the silent treatment right now. I called the AB the other night and he would not answer. I was afraid that something had happened to him, because of his high sugar, and I almost called his sister to go check on him. Anyway, he called yesterday and acted like he didnt see all the missed calls and texts. So I asked him what happened and he said he fell asleep( in other words, passed out drunk) and then proceeded to get mad because I questioned him about it. So he said, well maybe we just shouldn't talk to each other, and by this point, I was pissed that he was pushing the blame on me and I just said, fine and hung up on him. Needless to say, I haven't hear a peep from him. I am being punished I guess because I am not supposed to question anything, ever. Whatever!!!!!But, I do have to admit I do let it get to me. Ugh!!!!!

amy55

Thanks butterfly. You know when I was going through this, I didn't believe that I was. I was too busy trying to play conversation after conversation in my head to see where I went wrong and what I could do differently.

You are using the same words that I used. You AH has left you a few times. Probably gave you the silent treatment those times also. I did try to paint a picture for you to see if it resonated with you.

Oh, and my ex also threatened divorce many times. Then I left. He filed for divorce because he said I abandoned him. He really never saw what he was doing, or the times that he left and gave me the silent treatment. After I left, he called once and asked me "how can he have a relationship with me, if I'm not there"?

I asked him quite blankly, "What relationship did we have when he was running away from me"? (We are talking months at a time here). He responded I needed to punish you for not letting me do what I wanted to do.

Well, what he wanted to do was to drink and not come home. That isn't a marriage.

(((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))
amy

Hawkeye13

This is brilliant Lexie.

You nailed it. Wouldn't want to be the defense lawyer facing you--geez

LexieCat

Aw, that wouldn't be any fun at all. I like to be underestimated by the opposition.

freetosmile

I have had some hurt feelers today, so I can empathize with the HURT. It's hard (well it's not hard- actually it's pretty easy- no contact means no contact) But when you share your life with someone- it is rough when they won't even acknowledge that you exist or that at ONE point in time you decided that you loved each other. Maybe that loved changed or went away- BUT it was there at SOME point. So you aren't just the passer-by cruising down the street.
UGH. So sorry for your pain. You certainly deserve better.

Eauchiche

After 9 months, I am starting to get a little idea that they are going to do whatever it is they do. Nice one day, mean the next. Nice twenty minutes ago, nasty now, nice later.....yahda yahda

The program tells us that we can be happy whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not. I am going to extend this in my case to whether they're nasty or nice, because you just never know.

Butterfly

Anvil I'm not reading anything into it I'm just stating that I found his actions hurtful and why I found them hurtful!!

AnvilheadII

right. and if you continue to work on DE-personalizing every thing the jerk does....then it won't HURT so much. a couple days ago you heard thru your daughter that he said he loves you....and that threw you for a loop. now he drives by and does not acknowledge you and THAT throws you for a loop. you can't do a thing about HIM or what he DOES but you DO have the power to build a healthy defense shield to protect yourself - like Wonder Woman's bracelets or She-Ra's Sword of Protection.

that's the goal of DETACHMENT. aka who gives a rat's butt?

Butterfly

I don't know how to get to the stage were what he does doesn't hurt me r I
Don't care what he says or does. I'm trying not to react and I haven't broke nc but I don't no how to do the rest

AnvilheadII

surely between your join date and now there have been at least a FEW suggestions????

LexieCat

What helped me the most in terms of de-personalizing what was said to me or how the alcoholic behaved, was simply to remind myself that he isn't a sane or rational person. It's like taking personally the ravings of a lunatic. What he said and did was just the disease manifesting as a lot of noise. *click* I go into "ignore" mode.

Incidentally, that goes for expressions of "love" or "caring," too. Those are just as full of hot air.