dandylion

Butterfly....to respond to your last post....HOW?.....with more time and space. It has been much less than one year. Not a long time in terms of a life transition as significant as this.

At this moment...you have one foot i n the past and a few toes in the future. It is a very ambivilent state to be when o ne is in the hallway between one door that is closing and another that is opening. The only "cure" for that, that I know of is time and space.

Time will allow you to detach from him much, much more. It will allow you to come to grips with your fears of abandonment that keep you bonded to even shabby treatment. It will allow you to build a life that does not revolve around your husband. A life where you can find your enrichment from other sources. Enrichment from becoming connected to your inner core and your soul can be at peace from simply being alive and...just being yourself. New experiences; New friends; New goals; New loves......

This doesn't happen overnight....after decades of selfabandoment and neglectful relationships. It happens one day at a time with faith, focus, and PATIENCE that the universe will respond to you.

dandylion

Hawkeye13

Spot on dandy

I also think Lexie's idea of just thinking of him, his talk, and his actions as not those of a rational being but of an addict.

It doesn't matter what he says or does, he isn't going to act like a normal, empathetic, and reliable person. That's who he is now. He may fake it with his "I love yous" or his "I'm not good enough for you" but really they seem like conditioned responses. He says these things because he gets the desired response, not because he actually means them in a deep or thoughtful way. He wants enabling for his drinking. It has always, always worked for him until this past year.

This will get more clear and obvious as time passes and you do manage more detachment as Anvil suggests. It is one day at a time and replacing old unhealthy ideas and actions and focus points you have with new and healthy ones.

It can be done and has been done by others. You yourself are really beginning this process I think so have some faith in it. Keep moving forward until you are through.
It is the only way.

Butterfly

Thank you everyone. Dandylion you are right time and space and to allow myself time, it's 9 months today since he left. I knew yesterday but this is the first I've thought about it today and the day is almost over!!

Hawkeye thank you for a light bulb moment, your right it has always worked for him, he says something to me or the kids and I respond and offer reassurance and/or ask questions. The last time he told my DD he loved me, I immediately rang him!!

Lexie thanks I will try and adopt that thinking when I'm triggered by his words and actions.

sosadandhurt

Butterfly, I do understand how you feel. I also have not yet got to the place in my head where what he does, doesn't bother me. I wish I could just hate him and be done with it. I have done all the things that have been told to me. For instance, making myself think of how I felt when he would sleep in his vehicle, drunk and pissed off for no reason, and me in the house wondering what would happen next. Also, just thinking about how I felt coming home from work and finding him already home and knowing that he was already drinking and the evening was ruined before I ever stepped out of my pickup. It works for awhile and then the good times sneak in and I am back to square one. As of now, I am getting the silent treatment and it is killing me but I have not caved in and texted or called him and I am not going to this time. He can just stew in his own pot. Big hugs to you!!!!