Butterfly

I was driving home tonight and as I drove down my street my stbxah was pulling away from my house after dropping of DS he drove straight past me didn't even acknowledge me, nothing it was as if he didn't know me or I dont exist anymore!!

I am angry with him but treating me like I don't exist that I'm a nobody really hurts. Feeling very overwhelmed today since I woke up.

SparkleKitty

(((((Hugs, Butterfly)))))

That was childish of him. Probably just an immature reaction to the fact that his "I still love Mum" effort didn't get you to break No Contact. You are not a nobody. You are awesome.

LexieCat

Maybe he didn't see you, maybe he was distracted, or maybe he wasn't feeling happy with you. Either way, it's better than having some kind of ugliness directed toward you.

I'd try really hard to let something like that go.

Read the message on your avatar. You picked it for a reason.

Butterfly

Thank you sparklekitty I wish I felt awesome today, today I feel oh I don't know how to explain it.

hopeful4

Hugs, tight hugs.

amy55

((((((hugs from me also)))))))))))

I know what that feels like. My ex was the king of the "Silent Treatment". He would come home from work, walk in the room that I was in, would not even acknowledge my "hi". He would look right through me like I didn't exist.

It's an awful feeling.

(((((((((((more hugs)))))))))
amy

Butterfly

Hi Lexie he saw me he was only driving about 10mph up the road and its a narrow road with speed bumps and I don't know why he wouldn't be happy with me I haven't done anything, I haven't had any contact in 5 weeks since he said he didn't want any more contact but he's behaving as I don't exist!!

SparkleKitty

There's a part of recovery where your intellectual understanding of what you've been through or are going through is really high. Understanding things intellectually is the easy part. The problem is, it takes a long time to build up your resources for dealing with the emotional understanding and acceptance.

There are many challenging days during this part. It would be easier to just let everything slide back to the old familiar patterns. Believe it or not, just 'wanting' to feel awesome is progress!!!

If you can find a way to just not linger on this interaction, just for a few minutes at a time, it will make a big difference. More hugs.

Butterfly

I have tried to forget about it but it's been playing on my mind the last few hours I don't know maybe it's more hurtful because I'm just feeling so overwhelmed at the minute.

Butterfly

Yes sparklekitty my understanding has improved but I am now dealing with emotions particularly around incidents that occured that hurt me deeply caused anxiety and everything else but didn't deal with it at the time and it's hard processing it all.

My counsellor has me talking through incidents reliving memories that I had blocked out and talking about the sequence of events during difficult situations it's emotionally draining and distressing, I'm maybe just being too sensitive at this time.

maia1234

Butterfly, It is really hard to understand now, but look at how immature his behavior is. You are not dealing with a sane person. You get so wrapped up in what they do, but healthy normal adults don't do this stuff.

Its crazy that you are even dealing with this. They say that an A's maturity level stops when they start drinking. My XAH started drinking and partying at 13. The majority of my life he acted like a 13 year old, spoiled rotten brat. I truly believe this is true. It is ridiculous what we alanon's deal with.

Don't take it personally, take it as a sign of strength on your part. I have to tell you that I do struggle not being with my Xhusband, but I don't miss the drama. The drinking, the fights over insignificant crap that would pxss them off for no reason. I go to bed every night not saying the serenity prayer. It is true that your life is SO much calmer with out the unbelievable crXp they put you through. Not saying my life is perfect in anyway, but the constant anxiety all the time is not there. I do get sad and cry but not every day or every hour.

Hold on, you are doing exactly what you are suppose to do. Keep your chin up, as they say it will get better.
((((((hugs)))))))))))

SparkleKitty

It's understandable if you are sensitive right now. This is Big Stuff. I'm going through something similar. The most helpful thing for me is to remember/try not to judge myself for what I'm feeling or doing.

Like I said earlier, I think he is responding to your No Contact by being childish. People are uncomfortable when they see us change. They don't know what to do. His not acknowledging -- whatever the reason behind it -- I guarantee it has everything to do with him and nothing to do with you.

amy55

Butterfly,

I actually got my ex to a psychologist once. I really like that guy. He advertised a a no nonsense, tell it like it is psychologist. Did I already say that I really liked that guy. My ex had seen him twice alone, and he wanted to meet me. My ex came with me, and that was fine, because I wasn't listening to my ex anymore. I really didn't care anymore what I did or said.

Well, less then 5 minutes of me talking to this psychologist, he said to me --- "Your H has the emotional maturity of a 7 year old, if he works really hard with me, I might be able to increase that to a 13 year old, is that good enough for you"?

The way they act is so infantile. If you really wanted to figure it out you would have to put yourself in the mindset of a 5 - 7 year old taking a temper tantrum.

Sort of like, with a pouty face saying, "you took my toy, and I want it back, so I'm not going to talk to you anymore".

Oh, and yes, you just did ignore his infantile way of getting you back with that "I Love Mom" thing. I'm sure he probably thought you would be right on the phone trying to get him to come back home.

(((((((((((hugs))))))))))
amy

Butterfly

Thank you Maia I've read that about the maturity being the age of when their addiction started and immediately it explained a lot of his behaviour during our marriage, to me the kids to everything!! Funny enough I was just writing in my journal that yes I am struggling without him, I love him but I don't miss the drama and my anxiety has significantly decreased and that feels wonderful!

Sparklekitty thank you, it's hard going back through everything isn't it but I'm hoping it will be worth it all in the end and yes your right I need to stop judging myself and learn to accept that I feel the way I feel but not to dwell on it.

Amy thank you, your post made me laugh, I like the sound of that guy!!! I'm not sure he wants me back but I think he didn't think I'd go this long without contacting him and yes previously id have broken NC and been on the phone with him saying "DD told me you said you love me" and yes begging him to get help to not destroy what we had, even though I don't think we ever really had anything certainly nothing but pain, hurt and disappointment!!

LexieCat

I guess I'm confused. You two have been "no contact" so I'm not sure why this is shocking you. I'm sorry you're hurt, but it IS consistent with "no contact."

Hawkeye13

I think this is because, like Butterfly says, he knows the things to say to the kids or to others to reel her back in but this time she hasn't caved and called him.
She has been strong and not fallen into the expected pattern.

I think you are doing fantastic Butterfly--both with dealing with his childish actions and with digging deep into therapy to get at some hard and hurtful things you've been carrying most of your life.

It is not easy to work on the inside(painful memories) and the outside (reactions to AH) at the same time but you are doing it.

Frankly, I think this deserves a pedicure and a night out with a nice dinner you didn't have to cook.

You have earned it and then some

amy55

This is more of a "Silent Treatment" thing. It's where one person stops all communication so that there can be no resolution to anything. It is one of the most hurtful and insidious things someone can do to another person. To treat them like they do not exist.

You want answers, you want to know why, but they will not communicate anything to you. It's one of the worst forms of manipulation and control.

You need to accept that the only way to preserve you own sanity is with not responding to any of thing, don't pick up that phone, don't try to email, don't try anything, because it will only bring more hurt to yourself.

It's not really the same as "no contact" so a person is leaving you alone. It is for your own mental protection.

Then the mixed messages start, the 3rd party involvement starts, just to get a reaction out of you.

It's like they want to torture you with the "Silent Treatment", but they still want the same responses from you.

I've gone through many of these. I think this is why I got so "nutso" back in September. I had to be in contact with my ex re: splitting pensions. Each email from him was like he was spitting at me, like I didn't exist but this is something that he had to do. I didn't expect him to be cordial at all. I also didn't expect what I got. Like I was poop on his shoe that he had to get rid of.

It's a horrible experience.

amy

LexieCat

No, I get the nastiness of the "silent treatment" where you are ostensibly still living together and should reasonably be interacting. But I think when one person says "no contact," that pretty much implies no acknowledgement, friendly or otherwise. It just seems like that's more clear-cut than acting friendly one day and then running cold the next.

I'm sorry, I guess this particular dynamic isn't one I should comment on, because it's one I really don't understand. I'll leave the support to those of you who do.

I meant it, though, than I'm sorry for your pain.

Butterfly

Thank you hawkeye, Amy and Lexie, I do know you meant it.

It's the feeling that I don't exist and was never important to him I guess I wasn't and his actions clearly show that!!

NC feels so different this time for me as in I have finally realised that with contact I'm the one who is hurt & confused and upset again and I think it's helped this time that I've reached the point of the whys how's etc about his actions and his addiction don't matter I understand all I need to understand about it and constantly questioning was getting me nowhere except further down. I don't want contact with him our last conversations over those few days were the final straw for me however if I saw him in the street I wouldn't walk past as if he didn't exist I would say hello and walk on, as mature adults do!

Hawkeye your right the I love your mum comment was after he told DD he didn't know if he was allowed to come round on Christmas morning to see them opening their presents and I didn't respond to that normally I'd have been on the phone reassuring him.

I have a hairdresser appointment tomorrow and getting my nails done, I was meant to be going to my works Christmas dinner but decided not to but still getting my hair & nails done

Butterfly

Thank you hawkeye, Amy and Lexie, I do know you meant it.

It's the feeling that I don't exist and was never important to him I guess I wasn't and his actions clearly show that!!

NC feels so different this time for me as in I have finally realised that with contact I'm the one who is hurt & confused and upset again and I think it's helped this time that I've reached the point of the whys how's etc about his actions and his addiction don't matter I understand all I need to understand about it and constantly questioning was getting me nowhere except further down. I don't want contact with him our last conversations over those few days were the final straw for me however if I saw him in the street I wouldn't walk past as if he didn't exist I would say hello and walk on, as mature adults do!

Hawkeye your right the I love your mum comment was after he told DD he didn't know if he was allowed to come round on Christmas morning to see them opening their presents and I didn't respond to that normally I'd have been on the phone reassuring him.

I have a hairdresser appointment tomorrow and getting my nails done, I was meant to be going to my works Christmas dinner but decided not to but still getting my hair & nails done