Husband said he's leaving
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Keep posting here, JEllyn. And I really, REALLY suggest Al-Anon.
You can get stronger. Lots of us have. Whether you remain in your marriage or not, you don't want to be helpless and at his mercy, right? You want to stand strong on your own two feet, in or out of the relationship, right? You want to model that kind of strength for your daughter, too, don't you? You don't want her to be feeling trapped someday, the way you do right now, I'm betting.
Seeing a therapist is a good step for you. Talking to others who have walked in your shoes will help, as well. We're here to help you, the way others helped us when we were in the same place you are right now.
Hugs,
You can get stronger. Lots of us have. Whether you remain in your marriage or not, you don't want to be helpless and at his mercy, right? You want to stand strong on your own two feet, in or out of the relationship, right? You want to model that kind of strength for your daughter, too, don't you? You don't want her to be feeling trapped someday, the way you do right now, I'm betting.
Seeing a therapist is a good step for you. Talking to others who have walked in your shoes will help, as well. We're here to help you, the way others helped us when we were in the same place you are right now.
Hugs,
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Jellyn....you will get the courage to take action when this happens: When the fear of staying the same becomes greater than the fear of moving forward.
Fear of lonliness is one of the main reasons that people won't leave a toxic relationship. Lonliness is not the same as alone. I suspect that you have felt lonely for some time, already. You have already had all the "good" you are likely to get.
You don't have to live like a beggar for a few morsels of decent treatment.What kind of life is that?
dandylion
***I believe that you will find help through alanon. It was a good move that you talked to the dv folks and that you are in therapy.
Fear of lonliness is one of the main reasons that people won't leave a toxic relationship. Lonliness is not the same as alone. I suspect that you have felt lonely for some time, already. You have already had all the "good" you are likely to get.
You don't have to live like a beggar for a few morsels of decent treatment.What kind of life is that?
dandylion
***I believe that you will find help through alanon. It was a good move that you talked to the dv folks and that you are in therapy.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Living alone is the most empowering thing I've ever done.
I left my husband - well, I told him that if he wanted to continue to live the way it had been, then he could leave. He didn't reply. Soon after that I asked him to go, and he did. It was much easier for me to have him leave than to leave myself. I continued to live in the same place and have the same routine.
My divorce and the subsequent year or so were the turning point in my life for moving away from letting people walk all over me and thinking I could change them. My husband, past boyfriends, my mother, my "friends." I cannot express to you the freedom and peace I have created as my life now.
There are worse things than being alone.
I left my husband - well, I told him that if he wanted to continue to live the way it had been, then he could leave. He didn't reply. Soon after that I asked him to go, and he did. It was much easier for me to have him leave than to leave myself. I continued to live in the same place and have the same routine.
My divorce and the subsequent year or so were the turning point in my life for moving away from letting people walk all over me and thinking I could change them. My husband, past boyfriends, my mother, my "friends." I cannot express to you the freedom and peace I have created as my life now.
There are worse things than being alone.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: uk
Posts: 368
Originally Posted by JEllyn 
I'm scared of being alone and I'm scared that I'll miss him & the good times.
You never know what wonderful people lie in your future who are just waiting for you to be free of this (to borrow an expressoin) asshat before stepping into your path. Maybe taking some time to reframe 'alone' into 'available' could help?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Hi and welcome to SR,
You see, he is not going to leave. He is trying to threaten you with punishment. He does know you have a fear of rejection and abandonment. He is using this against you.
My ex did this all the time. When he started that chit I was braver then, he didn't wear me down yet, and break spirit. First time he woke me in the middle of the night, he demanded I go and talk to him in the kitchen. It was about 2am. So I obliged him. He ripped into me for about 2 hours, and I just sat there, perhaps glaring at him, but I would not let him push me to the point to engage with him. Just kept telling him how right his was, and that I was an awful terrible person and that he should leave me. (lol)
He was wearing only his underwear. It was October, a little cold outside. He decided to leave, he took a fleece throw to cover himself, and he drove away. (lol) I locked all the doors, disabled the electric garage door, and went back to sleep. He came back at 6am, was knocking on the doors, and I slowly got up got to the door, and was yawning when I opened it to let him back in. When I did, he flung me outside and locked the door.
Your marriage sounds much like mine. It was always my fault. It took me a long time to figure out that you can't fix someone who doesn't want to be fixed and actually felt better if he could bully me.
It doesn't get any better, it gets worse, the more that you are subjected to something, you somehow find a way to survive with that, and then they "up" it. If you stop reacting to something, they will find something else much worse then before. It's like you need to keep finding ways to cope.
My daughter was 8 the first time he hit me. He pushed me to the floor and kicked me in the ribs telling me how worthless I was and that I didn't do anything around the house. I had a full time job, and worked overtime, I was also doing all the cooking, cleaning, also house repairs. I stayed up that entire night cleaning and doing wash. My daughter got up at 2 and came down to the basement while I was doing the wash. Out of the blue she asked me to promise her that I would not kill myself. I didn't even know that she knew what that meant.
Yours in now trying to put your daughter in the middle of things, and trying to make you look bad to her, like you would abandon her, and this is very frightful to a 10 year old. It's like he is saying to her, I would never leave you, but your mom will.
((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
and keep coming back, we do understand here. And congrats to you for talking to DV.
amy
You see, he is not going to leave. He is trying to threaten you with punishment. He does know you have a fear of rejection and abandonment. He is using this against you.
My ex did this all the time. When he started that chit I was braver then, he didn't wear me down yet, and break spirit. First time he woke me in the middle of the night, he demanded I go and talk to him in the kitchen. It was about 2am. So I obliged him. He ripped into me for about 2 hours, and I just sat there, perhaps glaring at him, but I would not let him push me to the point to engage with him. Just kept telling him how right his was, and that I was an awful terrible person and that he should leave me. (lol)
He was wearing only his underwear. It was October, a little cold outside. He decided to leave, he took a fleece throw to cover himself, and he drove away. (lol) I locked all the doors, disabled the electric garage door, and went back to sleep. He came back at 6am, was knocking on the doors, and I slowly got up got to the door, and was yawning when I opened it to let him back in. When I did, he flung me outside and locked the door.
Your marriage sounds much like mine. It was always my fault. It took me a long time to figure out that you can't fix someone who doesn't want to be fixed and actually felt better if he could bully me.
It doesn't get any better, it gets worse, the more that you are subjected to something, you somehow find a way to survive with that, and then they "up" it. If you stop reacting to something, they will find something else much worse then before. It's like you need to keep finding ways to cope.
My daughter was 8 the first time he hit me. He pushed me to the floor and kicked me in the ribs telling me how worthless I was and that I didn't do anything around the house. I had a full time job, and worked overtime, I was also doing all the cooking, cleaning, also house repairs. I stayed up that entire night cleaning and doing wash. My daughter got up at 2 and came down to the basement while I was doing the wash. Out of the blue she asked me to promise her that I would not kill myself. I didn't even know that she knew what that meant.
Yours in now trying to put your daughter in the middle of things, and trying to make you look bad to her, like you would abandon her, and this is very frightful to a 10 year old. It's like he is saying to her, I would never leave you, but your mom will.
((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
and keep coming back, we do understand here. And congrats to you for talking to DV.
amy
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 18
I feel worse today than I did yesterday. He told me yesterday that he's trying to fix things and I'm trying to sabotage them. My daughter and I came home and began eating dinner and he was furious that I didn't tell him that we were home so he could come eat with us. He was in the garage drinking and smoking. I told him that he usually hears us come in and I thought he had heard us. He said that if I had wanted him to eat with us then I would have told him we were home.
I can't do anything right.
He reamed into me when I brought my 6 year old niece over and asked her if she wanted to help us decorate the Christmas tree, which we didn't End up doing. My daughter didn't want her to help because she wanted it to be a family thing. So I was going to have my niece help me decorate the porch hoping that my daughter would change her mind and come out, and he said that I put the needs of everyone else before him and my daughter.
I didn't end up decorating the porch and he said that if he hadn't stopped me I would have done it anyway, what's wrong with me, etc.
I'm feeling really down today. I feel like crying and lying in bed all day but I have too much to do. I know I'm not alone but I'm feeling really alone today.
He also keeps giving me crap about going to see my therapist insisting I tell him what I tell her. He claims that she doesn't care about me and that I'm just a paycheck to her. She only knows my side of the story not his and I'm listening to her based on what I tell her alone. Of course he would never come with me.
Thank you for all the support. This sucks. I want things to go back to not fighting, I want him to stop drinking, I want to feel good again. :'(
I can't do anything right.
He reamed into me when I brought my 6 year old niece over and asked her if she wanted to help us decorate the Christmas tree, which we didn't End up doing. My daughter didn't want her to help because she wanted it to be a family thing. So I was going to have my niece help me decorate the porch hoping that my daughter would change her mind and come out, and he said that I put the needs of everyone else before him and my daughter.
I didn't end up decorating the porch and he said that if he hadn't stopped me I would have done it anyway, what's wrong with me, etc.
I'm feeling really down today. I feel like crying and lying in bed all day but I have too much to do. I know I'm not alone but I'm feeling really alone today.
He also keeps giving me crap about going to see my therapist insisting I tell him what I tell her. He claims that she doesn't care about me and that I'm just a paycheck to her. She only knows my side of the story not his and I'm listening to her based on what I tell her alone. Of course he would never come with me.
Thank you for all the support. This sucks. I want things to go back to not fighting, I want him to stop drinking, I want to feel good again. :'(
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
There is nothing wrong with you. It is hard to be steady in the quicksand of an abusive alcoholic's constantly shifting narrative and unspoken expectations.
You don't have to define yourself through his opinions. I got to a certain point with my ex where I just knew that nothing I did was going to be right. If I waited on dinner for him he was angry because it drew attention to the fact that he was out drinking. If we ate without him I was trying to ignore him and push him out of the family.
It took me a long time to understand that everything out of his mouth was engineered to do one thing- protect his drinking. If I was off balance fighting phantom accusations, walking on eggshells to avoid his next big blowup, then there was no time to focus on his drinking.
I didn't have a therapist at that time, but he used to read my journals and rant and rave about what I wrote. It was all just one more part of the blame game so he could carry on denying his problem and try to blame me for everything.
You don't have to defend yourself. You aren't doing anything wrong. And nothing you say or do is ever going to make him see your side of things. That's not what these accusations are about. Active alcoholics don't start fights and disagreements for the purpose of solving a real problem. Everything he is doing is just a way to keep you off balance and protect his drinking.
Big hugs to you. I am so sorry you're going through this. Please keep going to therapy and sharing here. I made the mistake of isolating myself because it just seemed easier at the time, but it hurt me in the long run.
You don't have to define yourself through his opinions. I got to a certain point with my ex where I just knew that nothing I did was going to be right. If I waited on dinner for him he was angry because it drew attention to the fact that he was out drinking. If we ate without him I was trying to ignore him and push him out of the family.
It took me a long time to understand that everything out of his mouth was engineered to do one thing- protect his drinking. If I was off balance fighting phantom accusations, walking on eggshells to avoid his next big blowup, then there was no time to focus on his drinking.
I didn't have a therapist at that time, but he used to read my journals and rant and rave about what I wrote. It was all just one more part of the blame game so he could carry on denying his problem and try to blame me for everything.
You don't have to defend yourself. You aren't doing anything wrong. And nothing you say or do is ever going to make him see your side of things. That's not what these accusations are about. Active alcoholics don't start fights and disagreements for the purpose of solving a real problem. Everything he is doing is just a way to keep you off balance and protect his drinking.
Big hugs to you. I am so sorry you're going through this. Please keep going to therapy and sharing here. I made the mistake of isolating myself because it just seemed easier at the time, but it hurt me in the long run.
Ya**!
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Canada! wtf eh?
Posts: 1,123
Hi JEllyn. I'm sorry you're hurting so much right now. I see you're in a lot of pain and that's not right. I hope knowing you're among those who have experienced, and have overcome, similar circumstances brings you a measure of comfort. And bravo! for using all resources available to you. Your child is lucky to have such a capable mother.
And knowing you're smart and capable, only you know yourself the best and what's healthy for you. Maybe it's time to write down what you feel your options are? Might help to organize these thoughts and feelings to create a strategy.
Take care and be safe.
And knowing you're smart and capable, only you know yourself the best and what's healthy for you. Maybe it's time to write down what you feel your options are? Might help to organize these thoughts and feelings to create a strategy.
Take care and be safe.
Last edited by Tonks; 12-15-2014 at 07:36 AM. Reason: Grammar
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 18
Things are a little better. He is fine when he gets home from work but gets grouchy in the middle of the night after drinking. I have been trying hard not to engage, which has been working, but it's still difficult.
Thanks everyone for your kind words and for your support. I really like this site, and I'm glad that I found it.
Thanks everyone for your kind words and for your support. I really like this site, and I'm glad that I found it.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,434
I'm sorry JEllyn. But I'm sure your therapist told you that you can't "fix him" no matter how much you love him.
He has to choose to stop drinking, and you can't do that for him.
Living with his gas lighting and emotional abuse sounds like it is taking a terrible toll on your mental and physical health.
You do have to decide when you are ready.
One thing to think about though--"being alone" is really what you are now when he's drinking, though, isn't it?
Hugs to you and please keep posting and reading. The stickys at the top of the page have lots of useful information--educating yourself about the disease is a great start.
He has to choose to stop drinking, and you can't do that for him.
Living with his gas lighting and emotional abuse sounds like it is taking a terrible toll on your mental and physical health.
You do have to decide when you are ready.
One thing to think about though--"being alone" is really what you are now when he's drinking, though, isn't it?
Hugs to you and please keep posting and reading. The stickys at the top of the page have lots of useful information--educating yourself about the disease is a great start.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Jellyn.....I completely get that you are grieving over the "good times" lost. That is a natural passage.
Think of this, though: The good times were not "free". In an abusive relationship...the good times are, by necessity "paid for" by having to suffer through the bad times.
In a healthy relationship...the good times are enjoyed for what they are...our joys in life.
Never, is there a requirement to "pay the price".
dandylion
Think of this, though: The good times were not "free". In an abusive relationship...the good times are, by necessity "paid for" by having to suffer through the bad times.
In a healthy relationship...the good times are enjoyed for what they are...our joys in life.
Never, is there a requirement to "pay the price".
dandylion
Trudgin
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 6,348
Sorry for your troubles......
The second part of the serenity prayer as you know, The Courage to change the things I can. In the long form there's a line - accepting hardships as the pathway to peace.
Maybe it's time for him to give you some peace by leaving. You should not have to tolerate his really, really bad behavior. It will effect and already has your daughter's well being and yours.
Perhaps he will seek treatment once removed from the Family. That's up to him - but don't let him to continue pulling you into the darkness.
Kind Regards,
FlyN
The second part of the serenity prayer as you know, The Courage to change the things I can. In the long form there's a line - accepting hardships as the pathway to peace.
Maybe it's time for him to give you some peace by leaving. You should not have to tolerate his really, really bad behavior. It will effect and already has your daughter's well being and yours.
Perhaps he will seek treatment once removed from the Family. That's up to him - but don't let him to continue pulling you into the darkness.
Kind Regards,
FlyN
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: milwaukee wi
Posts: 3,574
hi J babe we have all been there and had to deal with it . you have the best right here in word hope and Faith.. do this while he is out get your daughter to deco with you.. my 3 learned fast to hold tight to Mom as with the 4 of us together we could do it all.. no matter what he did in his worst efforts... my niece came to live with us for a couple of years during my divorce.. my daughter was 10 to becky's 9... they bunked up and we had a group.. now Melanie is in London England makes a ton of money for a job.. Becky is in TN and has a family and her own shop Ivan my oldest is in WA and in computer tech desgn makes a huge living and my Son the Moose is never far away with his new family in their own home.. It will work out I know it kiddo as I was a starving single Mom with my kids and 1 extra to try and feed and keep the house working.. but we did it we really did it... hugs ardy from wisconsin...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 18
Christmas was awful.
He woke me up in the middle of the night, just before Christmas morning, to "talk." He claimed that he can talk to his wife whenever he wants and no one is going to stop him. I tried to be quiet and let him just go then he asked me to tell him if he was drunk. I said no. Then I asked, but have you been drinking? That's when he snapped. He told me to F off, he said F you several times, cursed some more, then passed out.
In the morning, it was cold and awkward. He kept asking what was wrong and I kept saying "nothing," since I knew that it would go no where. He kept asking over and over and finally I said that I was sick of him waking me up in the middle of the night to talk, it's not okay, sleep in important, etc. He of course turned everything on me and it was all my fault.
We went to my sisters later for lunch. He doesn't eat red sauce, we have Italian Christmas food, so my mom always buys a roast for him. Well, the roast was forgotten and didn't get put in the oven until we got there. We all sat down to eat, and my sister offered to make him something else several times and he said no. So he left to go find something to eat. When he got back (no food, everything was closed) the roast was done. He ate and I thought everything was okay.
Later on, he said he couldn't believe that I sat there and ate while he had nothing to eat. I told him that his food had been cooking, but that didn't matter.
I just walked away.
NOTHING I do is right. His drinking, anger, and abuse are getting worse and worse. I came home and cried.
I feel like a coward because I can't just tell him to get out or to leave. I'm strong and independent in everything that I do except when it comes to him.
He left for work this morning and just said, see you later.
If he is so unhappy, why doesn't HE leave? Why is he "waiting" for me to tell him to get out, which I can't do right now?
I don't know what it will take to get to my breaking point, but something keeps holding me back.
He woke me up in the middle of the night, just before Christmas morning, to "talk." He claimed that he can talk to his wife whenever he wants and no one is going to stop him. I tried to be quiet and let him just go then he asked me to tell him if he was drunk. I said no. Then I asked, but have you been drinking? That's when he snapped. He told me to F off, he said F you several times, cursed some more, then passed out.
In the morning, it was cold and awkward. He kept asking what was wrong and I kept saying "nothing," since I knew that it would go no where. He kept asking over and over and finally I said that I was sick of him waking me up in the middle of the night to talk, it's not okay, sleep in important, etc. He of course turned everything on me and it was all my fault.
We went to my sisters later for lunch. He doesn't eat red sauce, we have Italian Christmas food, so my mom always buys a roast for him. Well, the roast was forgotten and didn't get put in the oven until we got there. We all sat down to eat, and my sister offered to make him something else several times and he said no. So he left to go find something to eat. When he got back (no food, everything was closed) the roast was done. He ate and I thought everything was okay.
Later on, he said he couldn't believe that I sat there and ate while he had nothing to eat. I told him that his food had been cooking, but that didn't matter.
I just walked away.
NOTHING I do is right. His drinking, anger, and abuse are getting worse and worse. I came home and cried.
I feel like a coward because I can't just tell him to get out or to leave. I'm strong and independent in everything that I do except when it comes to him.
He left for work this morning and just said, see you later.
If he is so unhappy, why doesn't HE leave? Why is he "waiting" for me to tell him to get out, which I can't do right now?
I don't know what it will take to get to my breaking point, but something keeps holding me back.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: NC
Posts: 39
JEllyn,
I'm so sorry to hear your story. My advice would be:
1) forgive yourself for your outburst.
Yes, it was counter-productive, but it sounds like you've been through an awful stretch and you did what just about anybody would do sooner or later.
2) play out the tape of him leaving.
Yes, it will be hard on you and your daughter (I know, having subjected my then 2 & 5 year-old to it years ago). But if he's unable to legitimately participate in a family, what good is it to have him around? Maybe he'll get it together, maybe not. That's on him, not on you.
3) Recognize that you're finding the limits of what you'll tolerate. This is a good thing. You just need to be able to calmly articulate that TO YOURSELF.
Good luck, and remember, you're not alone!
I'm so sorry to hear your story. My advice would be:
1) forgive yourself for your outburst.
Yes, it was counter-productive, but it sounds like you've been through an awful stretch and you did what just about anybody would do sooner or later.
2) play out the tape of him leaving.
Yes, it will be hard on you and your daughter (I know, having subjected my then 2 & 5 year-old to it years ago). But if he's unable to legitimately participate in a family, what good is it to have him around? Maybe he'll get it together, maybe not. That's on him, not on you.
3) Recognize that you're finding the limits of what you'll tolerate. This is a good thing. You just need to be able to calmly articulate that TO YOURSELF.
Good luck, and remember, you're not alone!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
JEllyn, it almost sounds to me as if he is trying to provoke you into kicking him out. One way or another he will try to make it your "fault," whether he leaves on his own or whether you ask him to leave.
In truth, it doesn't really matter what he thinks. This relationship is sucking the life out of you.
Try visualizing the positive aspects of being on your own. You could get a peaceful night's sleep every night. You could make your own holiday plans without his negativity ruining it for you and everyone else. You and your daughter could do fun things together without worrying about him.
The difficulties of going through a divorce or adjusting to being a single parent are mostly temporary. Yes, there is some hard work in the beginning, but at the end of the tunnel you can experience the gift of freedom to enjoy life on your own terms, not being at the day-to-day mercy of alcoholic drama.
Not that you have to decide something immediately, but maybe something to start contemplating. I can say for SURE I don't miss holiday alcoholic drama!
In truth, it doesn't really matter what he thinks. This relationship is sucking the life out of you.
Try visualizing the positive aspects of being on your own. You could get a peaceful night's sleep every night. You could make your own holiday plans without his negativity ruining it for you and everyone else. You and your daughter could do fun things together without worrying about him.
The difficulties of going through a divorce or adjusting to being a single parent are mostly temporary. Yes, there is some hard work in the beginning, but at the end of the tunnel you can experience the gift of freedom to enjoy life on your own terms, not being at the day-to-day mercy of alcoholic drama.
Not that you have to decide something immediately, but maybe something to start contemplating. I can say for SURE I don't miss holiday alcoholic drama!
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