Ultimatum versus boundary
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Ohio
Posts: 3,785
I think it was both.
The first half "I will not live with an active alcoholic ever again." was a boundary. This had to do with you and how you want to live.
The second half I feel was an ultimatum "If he relapses then we are done". This put him in the mix.
A boundary, I feel, has only to do with you and you alone.
The first half "I will not live with an active alcoholic ever again." was a boundary. This had to do with you and how you want to live.
The second half I feel was an ultimatum "If he relapses then we are done". This put him in the mix.
A boundary, I feel, has only to do with you and you alone.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
I think you are fine. Here is my take:
Boundary: I need xyz. This is my boundary. I will protect my boundaries by taking what ever action I need to take to ensure I honor them.
I need a sober spouse. I will not participate in a relationship that includes active alcoholism. This is my boundary and I will take actions to protect it. For me personally that meant walking away and now that means I will not engage in a relationship with an alcoholic. This is about my actions. What I did or would do.
Ultimatum. You do this or I will do that. You quit drinking or I will leave. This is about me attempting to control someone else's actions.
In your case Mr. Jarp isn't drinking right now. The only way what you said could be turned into an ultimatum is if you waited until after a relapse and then said "You quit or I'm leaving." but if you simply said "You are drinking and I am out." well - that is simply you taking charge of your life and looking out for you and your boundaries. You haven't asked him to do a thing.
Point well taken on defining relapse however. That is a worthwhile discussion.
Boundary: I need xyz. This is my boundary. I will protect my boundaries by taking what ever action I need to take to ensure I honor them.
I need a sober spouse. I will not participate in a relationship that includes active alcoholism. This is my boundary and I will take actions to protect it. For me personally that meant walking away and now that means I will not engage in a relationship with an alcoholic. This is about my actions. What I did or would do.
Ultimatum. You do this or I will do that. You quit drinking or I will leave. This is about me attempting to control someone else's actions.
In your case Mr. Jarp isn't drinking right now. The only way what you said could be turned into an ultimatum is if you waited until after a relapse and then said "You quit or I'm leaving." but if you simply said "You are drinking and I am out." well - that is simply you taking charge of your life and looking out for you and your boundaries. You haven't asked him to do a thing.
Point well taken on defining relapse however. That is a worthwhile discussion.
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