Butterfly

So the Christmas holiday season is fast approaching and I really need some advise as to how to get through it as best as I can. This will be the first Christmas with out him even other times when we had separated if it happened to be over the holidays we still spent Christmas day together but I won't this year. We had agreed that he could come and see the kids open their presents but I don't think that will happen now and I certainly won't be asking him!

So how do you get through the first Christmas without completely falling apart??

Thanks.

LexieCat

I created a couple of new holiday "traditions" that were not associated with the ex. They were my OWN traditions, not the ones we shared. Of course, with young kids you may have to keep some of their VERY favorite traditions, but making new ones can help build happy new memories associated with their new lives.

I'm sure others here will have good ideas, too.

dandylion

Butterfly....I was expecting this question from you...since you started "dreading" this a couple of months ago...LOL. I remember your former Christmas routine.

I suspect that you have a strong expectation of having a "melt down" around this time. This is why I have a stern (mean old, stern old dandylion!) piece of advice for you: WHAT YOU EXPECT--YOU WILL HAVE A TENDENCY TO CREATE!

While I realize that this Christmas may not be an easy one for you....Please don't create a situation for yourself to "fall apart" or "meltdown". On the contrary---tell yourself: "This won't be a piece of cake--but I am going to allow myself to create as positive experience for me and my kids as I possibly can". "I WILL exercise all my new-found strength, self-love, and confidence". "I WILL; I WILL;I WILL".

This is what I might suggest.....1. Early breakfast with the kids;open presents. 2. Immediately after---leave the house for some activity that will keep you out most of the whole day. (Visit the Queen, if necessary!). If you should feel like crying during that day---go to the bathroom and cry in private. Or, you can also have a good cry in the evening---and write all your feelings in your journal (letting the feelings out is good).

You CAN cope with this difficult, for you, occassion. You CAN. Remember, that your children are looking to you as an example o f how to cope with life and it's difficult situations. THEY ARE WATCHING YOU. Give this to your children as a (silent) Christmas Gift! After all, you are the stable, sober parent!!!!!!!

End of lecture.

dandylion

Xtreem

My quick answer - I get through all days one day at a time.

Christmas, New Years, Birthdays are just one day at a time. nothing special or hard about that day unless I chose to make it that way...so I don't.

Hawkeye13

dandy is right, as usual.

This holiday will be what you make it, so have positive expectations and create some new traditions.
You children will be watching you closely even if they don't seem to be.

I was one of those children waiting for the meltdown.
Go do laps at the beach if needed, or the Queen isn't receiving

Make some new food, bake some cookies, take a walk with the kids on the beach,
and realize you have the chance for a new beginning and it is up to you to set the tone for yourself and your family.

Keep STBXAH NC no matter what--even if he calls you. I mean that!

Butterfly

Thanks everyone. Dandylion I have been practicing the mantra ok I feel sad that's ok fell it and let go, don't dwell or some version of that lol and it does help but your right if I expect it to be difficult, sad or whatever then it will be and I have to do the best for my kids and myself!! I'm not sure the queen will receive visitors on Christmas day but il give her a quick ring lol.

As the kids are older they are so set in their ways I suggested going out for Christmas dinner, new tradition my daughter was mortified, I'm sure that will change when she has to cook Christmas dinner lol. I have been invited to my mums, and I know my relationship hasn't been great through the years but she has been trying recently so might talk to the kids see how they feel about it.

I don't know if he will be here Christmas morning when we last spoke about it was a couple of months ago but so much has changed if he does turn up I will have to deal with it but I do not plan on contacting him to find out what he plans on doing that's up to him to sort out!!

I'm not bothered about New Years I didn't really celebrate it, stbxah got drunk and I spent the night anxious so for me this NY will be a nice quiet relaxing night

dandylion

Butterfly....GOOD for you!!

**Even if the Queen isn't receiving on Christmas day....I know young Harry is always willing to "party down"......LOL!

dandylion

Thumper

I would have for sure gone out to eat but my kids do not like that. They are young yet and want to be home in their Jammies and play with their stuff. They hate driving and behaving, lol.

Our holiday got *small* which was the hardest switch for me. The second year I saved some baking for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day so I had something to do that still felt holiday like and smelled good.

FeelingGreat

Just try to keep it calm and low key is the best way. I hope you don't see him really because you can do without the triggers.

When the grandchildren arrive, you can start getting excited about Christmas again, but there's naturally an 'excitement' lull between when the children grow up, and when they have their own families.

Butterfly

Yes thumper I plan on baking Christmas eve, if I saty at home then I will be cooking dinner all day lol. My kids like staying home especially DS as he can play his new games!!

Thumper

Exactly! My biggest holiday challenge is peeling the kids off their computers, lol.

martina12

Hi Butterfly

This will be my 2nd Christmas without XAH. I think I'm going to do what I did last year and make plans for the day which include lots of nice food, maybe a walk, maybe a DVD, really nice Xmas present to myself which will be nice bubble bath and plan for a good long soak etc etc! Hope you plan for a good day too?

Butterfly

Feeling great I hope I don't see him either!!

Butterfly

Thumper I hear you lol DS will open his presents and I won't see him until it's time for dinner lol

Hawkeye13

You know Butterfly, you could be proactive and tell your kids to see him on their own and for him not to plan to come over to your house.

It sounds like you might be setting yourself up for him to "show up" and cause pain and trauma to you.
I know you may want to see him at some level, but you are letting him control the situation if you don't make it clear what you want.

What if he starts drinking and comes to your house drunk?
He will say "you didn't say I couldn't come by, I always do" and he'd be right
unless you are clear about him not coming and planning your day around that certainty, instead of the possibility of him "showing up".

Just a thought--what do others think?

CNY46ER

I am in the same boat. This year is my first XMAS with our my wife. I have custody of 2 of our children and she has our 3rd child. It will be difficult I am sure. I myself am looking for new holiday traditions to start this year. Most likely stuff outside the home. Good luck

Butterfly

Hawkeye. He is fully aware that he is not to be at my home drunk so he knows. If he turns up drunk he won't be allowed in!

He gave me half the money for the kids main presents so I thought he had a right to be there in the morning to see them open their presents and see what they got for Christmas, he hasn't been involved in the buying, that was left for me! I will not let that happen again next year he can buy his own and I will buy my own, that way I won't feel he should be here christmas morning.

It's very doubtful he will be here he doesn't want contact because he "can't face the hurt he's caused me". So I think he will arrange to collect the kids and take them to see his family

Hawkeye13

Boy, he has a line for everything, doesn't he?

How is Uni going?
I know you said you were having some trouble keeping up,
I'm hoping you will have more time for study etc.

It takes awhile to get back in the loop.
I'm taking some courses for fun at the moment but also for a grade and
I've forgotten how hard it is to make yourself sit down and write a 10 page paper.

The irony of it all is that I'm a professor

Butterfly

Oh yes sure he's divorcing me because I need to move on and he won't let me go down the road he going down with him!!!! NC now for just over 3 weeks

I'm enjoying it to a degree I've met some lovely people and I enjoy it when I am there but it's hard to attend every week because of my work and if there is a crisis in work I can't leave. I've an essay due in a week and a half and I haven't started it yet. I think I have taken on too much too soon, it was kind of like right he's left I've always wanted to go back to uni but couldn't so I'm doing it in a stubborn way lol without thinking it through and the impact. I maybe should have done something for fun first.

Good for you doing something fun What are you studying hawkeye

Hawkeye13

I'm actually taking a class on Primates.
I think walking around the rainforest watching them seems like a nice thing
to do in retirement perhaps.

I have the academic training so I think I can switch fields fairly well.
I want to do something more directly about the planet and conservation.
Besides, primates are amazingly interesting.

I think we are more like them then they are like us,
which only makes sense as they are further down the evolutionary tree than we are

I'm just happy my brain has rewired enough to do this.
I wondered if I'd be drooling in front of the telly after all those years of drinking.

Seems not.
Just goes to illustrate the point that people make choices and nothing is inevitable.
Wish your man would figure that out

Hugs dear Butterfly
Say hello to the ocean for me. I miss her.