He cheated...trusting my reactions?
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 109
At the end of the day when all is said and done - you have to live with you and your decision. I always tell people - get on your knees, lay it all out before GOD or your H.P. etc. After you are done laying it out just ask, what would you have me do? --- the answer is usually there if you listen.
If we don't have hope that people could change, why are we on this website. People can and do change - not saying in this situation, just saying.
My heart goes out to you - please remember YOU and only YOU can decide this - and it is not the end of the world if at some point you decide to put the decision on hold for a while or even make the wrong choice. We are all human and don't always have to have the right answer the first time, or right away.
If we don't have hope that people could change, why are we on this website. People can and do change - not saying in this situation, just saying.
My heart goes out to you - please remember YOU and only YOU can decide this - and it is not the end of the world if at some point you decide to put the decision on hold for a while or even make the wrong choice. We are all human and don't always have to have the right answer the first time, or right away.
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Naples FL
Posts: 61
I feel your pain and the decision is yours and yours alone to stay and work on your marriage. The 12 step program is not an easy one but one of the steps speaks of atonement and forgiveness I believe. This can be a very painful step at times...
To forgive other for their mistakes...it is a big task to truly forgive. It seems to me he is really trying to come clean and be honest with you as painful as the revelation was...it was honest. What you do with that information is your decision and yours alone to make.
I can share with you from personal experience that I understand how painful this discussion was for you to have with your husband. However, I commend him for letting you know the truth. I am sure it was just a painful for him to admit the truth to you and at the same time risk losing you. I would much rather know the truth and deal with it...then be left alone wondering. Why he saved the text who knows? Maybe it was to remind himself of the wrong he did. Maybe it was a way of punishing himself. Maybe it just doesn't matter...maybe what matters the most is the truth! Big HUGS to you and whatever happens and decisions you now make at least it is based on honesty.
To forgive other for their mistakes...it is a big task to truly forgive. It seems to me he is really trying to come clean and be honest with you as painful as the revelation was...it was honest. What you do with that information is your decision and yours alone to make.
I can share with you from personal experience that I understand how painful this discussion was for you to have with your husband. However, I commend him for letting you know the truth. I am sure it was just a painful for him to admit the truth to you and at the same time risk losing you. I would much rather know the truth and deal with it...then be left alone wondering. Why he saved the text who knows? Maybe it was to remind himself of the wrong he did. Maybe it was a way of punishing himself. Maybe it just doesn't matter...maybe what matters the most is the truth! Big HUGS to you and whatever happens and decisions you now make at least it is based on honesty.
Last edited by Overit23; 11-22-2014 at 04:17 AM. Reason: typo
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 258
I once heard that substance abuse is a "tool" to create a false sense of autonomy in the "come here-go away" dance that can be common among BPD patients. So when I read Amy's comment I wondered if the cheating is a "symptom" of the alcholism or the BPD..
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
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jarp, it sounds to me like your head is on straight, the blinders are off, and all systems are go for you to process this. I wish you and your husband both healing and happiness, whether you stay together or not.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
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Jarp-
It was my husband's affair that FINALLY got me dealing with the elephant in the room, alcohol.
I am not grateful for the affair per say, but I am grateful that something got me moving because I had been stuck in a reoccuring pattern for a long time prior to that.
I don't know if affairs and alcohol are related EXCEPT that both situations made me feel like I had a lack of control, at times emotionally crazy, and at least with the alcohol that if I could just do it right he would not need to drink.
I found that therapy, Al-Anon and other recovery behaviors and actions though at times forcused on one area of recovery, helped all areas that I needed to work on. I suspect you will find the same.
I, like SallyTaylor learned that one of the things I thought I needed to do about the affair was decide yesterday. This experience has taught me that I can take my time, decide what is okay for me and take as LONG as I need. In my case more was revealed and my decision though painful was an easy one that I have not struggled with after the fact (and I would have if I made it when I first found out).
I did not have a lot of emotion at first (except relief that I could knew what was going on finally) when it all came out. In the long run though this cracked me open for the first time emotionally. It allowed me to get to stuff that I needed to, about our relationship, the alcohol use, my growing up, my own addiction etc. Though I don't always appreciate how I got there, I am grateful for the learning it has brought.
So my only "advice" is this. Please don't judge yourself if emotions come up again (or if they don't). This experience unearted so much for me.....to bring me to the place I am supposed to be.
It was my husband's affair that FINALLY got me dealing with the elephant in the room, alcohol.
I am not grateful for the affair per say, but I am grateful that something got me moving because I had been stuck in a reoccuring pattern for a long time prior to that.
I don't know if affairs and alcohol are related EXCEPT that both situations made me feel like I had a lack of control, at times emotionally crazy, and at least with the alcohol that if I could just do it right he would not need to drink.
I found that therapy, Al-Anon and other recovery behaviors and actions though at times forcused on one area of recovery, helped all areas that I needed to work on. I suspect you will find the same.
I, like SallyTaylor learned that one of the things I thought I needed to do about the affair was decide yesterday. This experience has taught me that I can take my time, decide what is okay for me and take as LONG as I need. In my case more was revealed and my decision though painful was an easy one that I have not struggled with after the fact (and I would have if I made it when I first found out).
I did not have a lot of emotion at first (except relief that I could knew what was going on finally) when it all came out. In the long run though this cracked me open for the first time emotionally. It allowed me to get to stuff that I needed to, about our relationship, the alcohol use, my growing up, my own addiction etc. Though I don't always appreciate how I got there, I am grateful for the learning it has brought.
So my only "advice" is this. Please don't judge yourself if emotions come up again (or if they don't). This experience unearted so much for me.....to bring me to the place I am supposed to be.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
Jarp-
It was my husband's affair that FINALLY got me dealing with the elephant in the room, alcohol.
I am not grateful for the affair per say, but I am grateful that something got me moving because I had been stuck in a reoccuring pattern for a long time prior to that.
I don't know if affairs and alcohol are related EXCEPT that both situations made me feel like I had a lack of control, at times emotionally crazy, and at least with the alcohol that if I could just do it right he would not need to drink.
I found that therapy, Al-Anon and other recovery behaviors and actions though at times forcused on one area of recovery, helped all areas that I needed to work on. I suspect you will find the same.
I, like SallyTaylor learned that one of the things I thought I needed to do about the affair was decide yesterday. This experience has taught me that I can take my time, decide what is okay for me and take as LONG as I need. In my case more was revealed and my decision though painful was an easy one that I have not struggled with after the fact (and I would have if I made it when I first found out).
I did not have a lot of emotion at first (except relief that I could knew what was going on finally) when it all came out. In the long run though this cracked me open for the first time emotionally. It allowed me to get to stuff that I needed to, about our relationship, the alcohol use, my growing up, my own addiction etc. Though I don't always appreciate how I got there, I am grateful for the learning it has brought.
So my only "advice" is this. Please don't judge yourself if emotions come up again (or if they don't). This experience unearted so much for me.....to bring me to the place I am supposed to be.
It was my husband's affair that FINALLY got me dealing with the elephant in the room, alcohol.
I am not grateful for the affair per say, but I am grateful that something got me moving because I had been stuck in a reoccuring pattern for a long time prior to that.
I don't know if affairs and alcohol are related EXCEPT that both situations made me feel like I had a lack of control, at times emotionally crazy, and at least with the alcohol that if I could just do it right he would not need to drink.
I found that therapy, Al-Anon and other recovery behaviors and actions though at times forcused on one area of recovery, helped all areas that I needed to work on. I suspect you will find the same.
I, like SallyTaylor learned that one of the things I thought I needed to do about the affair was decide yesterday. This experience has taught me that I can take my time, decide what is okay for me and take as LONG as I need. In my case more was revealed and my decision though painful was an easy one that I have not struggled with after the fact (and I would have if I made it when I first found out).
I did not have a lot of emotion at first (except relief that I could knew what was going on finally) when it all came out. In the long run though this cracked me open for the first time emotionally. It allowed me to get to stuff that I needed to, about our relationship, the alcohol use, my growing up, my own addiction etc. Though I don't always appreciate how I got there, I am grateful for the learning it has brought.
So my only "advice" is this. Please don't judge yourself if emotions come up again (or if they don't). This experience unearted so much for me.....to bring me to the place I am supposed to be.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 154
FWIW, my A cheated on me. Several times of the course of his active alcoholism. In fact, he left me for the girl he cheated on me with. So I know the pain and betrayal all too well. And I know what it is like to wonder if there can ever be trust, if there is even hope of continuing a relationship, and if there can ever be love for this person who was so hurtful.
In my experience, part of his recovery program is learning how to be a better person: addressing character defaults, admitting fault, making amends, and working every day to live a more honest life. I made a deal with my HP, myself, and him that if he continues to be dedicated to his program, and our lives together continue to improve as a result of his continuing effort to become a better man, then I will remain open to forgiveness and healing. That choice is 100% conditional on whether or not he is sober and committed to recovery.
For me, this is currently working. I don't know what roadblocks will be hit down the line. I don't know if it's sustainable. I don't know if I will ever get to the forgiveness point. But I do know that daily, he is transforming into the man I hoped he could be. And daily, I am happy in my life with him. So, just for today, that's enough. I keep checking in on myself and seeing if this is still working. So, we'll see.
It sounds like you are in a similar position in that your A is demonstrating the changes the program can bring also, and showing promise of recovery. The wreckage of the past isn't something that he can change, but if you are both on board with seeing what can be repaired between you two, then give it some time. It's a long road ahead. But, trust me, you will know for sure when you are done. Just because you choose for today to not leave him, doesn't mean you are locked into that choice forever. Take your time and see how things go.
Remember that leaving isn't a punishment for him and his behavior as much as it is freeing yourself from the depression/anxiety/abuse/hopelessness of a relationship. Understanding that made a big difference in how I made my decision. I wanted to make sure I was lbe leaving for ME and my health, and not to hurt him back. The relationship is consistently improving at the moment, so I don't feel like I need to be "freed" from it. Make sense? I hope so....
In my experience, part of his recovery program is learning how to be a better person: addressing character defaults, admitting fault, making amends, and working every day to live a more honest life. I made a deal with my HP, myself, and him that if he continues to be dedicated to his program, and our lives together continue to improve as a result of his continuing effort to become a better man, then I will remain open to forgiveness and healing. That choice is 100% conditional on whether or not he is sober and committed to recovery.
For me, this is currently working. I don't know what roadblocks will be hit down the line. I don't know if it's sustainable. I don't know if I will ever get to the forgiveness point. But I do know that daily, he is transforming into the man I hoped he could be. And daily, I am happy in my life with him. So, just for today, that's enough. I keep checking in on myself and seeing if this is still working. So, we'll see.
It sounds like you are in a similar position in that your A is demonstrating the changes the program can bring also, and showing promise of recovery. The wreckage of the past isn't something that he can change, but if you are both on board with seeing what can be repaired between you two, then give it some time. It's a long road ahead. But, trust me, you will know for sure when you are done. Just because you choose for today to not leave him, doesn't mean you are locked into that choice forever. Take your time and see how things go.
Remember that leaving isn't a punishment for him and his behavior as much as it is freeing yourself from the depression/anxiety/abuse/hopelessness of a relationship. Understanding that made a big difference in how I made my decision. I wanted to make sure I was lbe leaving for ME and my health, and not to hurt him back. The relationship is consistently improving at the moment, so I don't feel like I need to be "freed" from it. Make sense? I hope so....
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Australia
Posts: 537
Again thank you everyone for such an amazing support and the sharing of insights and experiences. You have all overwhelmed me with your generosity. It's so good to know others have worked through this, and become better and stronger people, regardless of the outcome of the relationship.
I have a lot to work through, and I know I'm going to have good days and really, really bad ones. I do believe in forgiveness and I believe people can change, he just needs to show me whether he is worthy of my belief, and the only time will tell me this.
A million thanks.
I have a lot to work through, and I know I'm going to have good days and really, really bad ones. I do believe in forgiveness and I believe people can change, he just needs to show me whether he is worthy of my belief, and the only time will tell me this.
A million thanks.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
jarp,
You're a strong person, and you have many caring and supportive friends. I do see the clarity in your mind right now. You are looking at things for what they are.
The bad days, when and if they happen, we are here for you. I for one, want to tell you that I see so much change in you and your strength is shining through.
(((((((((hugs))))))))))
amy
You're a strong person, and you have many caring and supportive friends. I do see the clarity in your mind right now. You are looking at things for what they are.
The bad days, when and if they happen, we are here for you. I for one, want to tell you that I see so much change in you and your strength is shining through.
(((((((((hugs))))))))))
amy
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Jarp, I've been all of the people in your story.
He's barely sober and had a drinking problem long before the affair, it would seem. So no, he wasn't drinking it away...I don't believe that at all (just my helicopter opinion, mind you!).
He needs some long, solid recovery time before the depth of ALL he has done can even sink in. His brain has been soaked in alcohol for years and from what I remember, it's only a few short weeks ago he was threatening suicide. So I can't see how it's even remotely possible for him to have a full grasp of what he did and how it hurt you.
My husband confessed infedelity in one last ditch effort to "prove" he loved me enough to confess it. All he did was offload his guilt - he gained a lot by confessing. All I gained was heartache.
I left him anyway. That's just me. 18 years later, he's still a mess, and no, if I'd stayed I could not have saved him.
He's barely sober and had a drinking problem long before the affair, it would seem. So no, he wasn't drinking it away...I don't believe that at all (just my helicopter opinion, mind you!).
He needs some long, solid recovery time before the depth of ALL he has done can even sink in. His brain has been soaked in alcohol for years and from what I remember, it's only a few short weeks ago he was threatening suicide. So I can't see how it's even remotely possible for him to have a full grasp of what he did and how it hurt you.
My husband confessed infedelity in one last ditch effort to "prove" he loved me enough to confess it. All he did was offload his guilt - he gained a lot by confessing. All I gained was heartache.
I left him anyway. That's just me. 18 years later, he's still a mess, and no, if I'd stayed I could not have saved him.
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Not feeling so good about it all right now.
You know the really sick thing?
I want to do it too. I want to go sleep with someone else just to see exactly what goes through someone's head when they do this. I want to know what he was thinking, how he made the decision to do that...at what point you tell yourself "yep, sex with this person is more important to me than my wife and my family".
I won't of course. Because that's not who I am. But I wish I could have some virtual machine thingy where I can experience what he experienced. I'm just torturing myself I realise, and I'd never do it. But having a bad hour. I know this will pass.
You know the really sick thing?
I want to do it too. I want to go sleep with someone else just to see exactly what goes through someone's head when they do this. I want to know what he was thinking, how he made the decision to do that...at what point you tell yourself "yep, sex with this person is more important to me than my wife and my family".
I won't of course. Because that's not who I am. But I wish I could have some virtual machine thingy where I can experience what he experienced. I'm just torturing myself I realise, and I'd never do it. But having a bad hour. I know this will pass.
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Yeah I know croissant. He's not claiming this is the cause of his alcoholism...he fully admits he was one long before this. But it escalated very significantly at about that point until he got to the suicide point. That was July this year.
He told me bc I asked him when I suddenly 'realised'. I don't know if he would have told me otherwise. I don't know that's worse...not telling, or lying if I asked.
He's been sober and in treatment since mid sept. But regardless I agree, he's got no clue to what depth he's hurt me...forever. I know it won't always feel this bad but it will never completely go away.
He told me bc I asked him when I suddenly 'realised'. I don't know if he would have told me otherwise. I don't know that's worse...not telling, or lying if I asked.
He's been sober and in treatment since mid sept. But regardless I agree, he's got no clue to what depth he's hurt me...forever. I know it won't always feel this bad but it will never completely go away.
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at what point you tell yourself "yep, sex with this person is more important to me than my wife and my family".
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Originally Posted by suki44883 
I really don't think they actually tell themselves this at the moment. They're just going with the flow, with their addled inebriated mind. I don't think it's until afterward that they stop and realize what they've done and the possible ramifications if they come clean. So, they hide it, continue drinking, and try to forget it happened.
I'm struggling with this...logically I kind of get it, but bc I'm not an alcoholic, and I don't have BPD...I just don't feel it in my heart. I think it was as you say suki...but I just can't imagine going with the flow with no regard.
I also can't let go of the fact he had 'first night sex' with someone other than me.
I'm just so hurt tonight. I can't let go of the images....it's like having the tv onion the background. It doesn't matter what I'm doing I have the image in my head running.
RIP Sweet Suki
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I understand. I went through it and the image of him with her was something I struggled with for a long time. Even after I forgave him and took him back, I kept seeing that image in my mind. It was torture for a long time. Ultimately, our relationship didn't last, but that was only part of the reason.
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Originally Posted by suki44883
I understand. I went through it and the image of him with her was something I struggled with for a long time. Even after I forgave him and took him back, I kept seeing that image in my mind. It was torture for a long time. Ultimately, our relationship didn't last, but that was only part of the reason.
Thank you suki. Can I ask, when you say 'part of the reason', did you mean the cheating, or the fact that you couldn't let it go?
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jarp, finding out something like this is a form of emotional trauma. Trauma survivors often replay things in their heads over and over as part of processing the event. I don't think there's anything abnormal or wrong about what you are feeling and thinking. Obviously you don't want to stay stuck there forever (for your own sake) but it's part of the process.
Hugs,
Hugs,
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Originally Posted by suki44883
I really don't think they actually tell themselves this at the moment. They're just going with the flow, with their addled inebriated mind. I don't think it's until afterward that they stop and realize what they've done and the possible ramifications if they come clean. So, they hide it, continue drinking, and try to forget it happened.
I was like you in that I could not wrap my mind around "how" he could do that as I could not. I think part of this is the intrinsic difference between him and you. That is what I reconciled was a fundamental difference between my ex and me.
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