He cheated...trusting my reactions?
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Originally Posted by suki44883 
Just my opinion, but I think you are at the point where you are more concerned about your own well-being than you are about the survival of the relationship. I think that's a good thing. 
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Australia
Posts: 537
Originally Posted by Eddiebuckle
Jarp,
I am sorry for what you have gone through. What jumps out to me in your original post is that while you couldn't write it without an explanation of his infidelity, really what you were writing about is how you are processing it, not the gory details of the transgression itself.
One of the better books I have read in sobriety is "The Spirituality of Imperfection." Here is an excerpt from pg 168 that may be relevant:
Be gentle to yourself, and move on when you are able.
I am sorry for what you have gone through. What jumps out to me in your original post is that while you couldn't write it without an explanation of his infidelity, really what you were writing about is how you are processing it, not the gory details of the transgression itself.
One of the better books I have read in sobriety is "The Spirituality of Imperfection." Here is an excerpt from pg 168 that may be relevant:
Alcoholism and addiction, characterized as they are by the rigid clinging of obsession and compulsion, help us to understand the experience of release. Perhaps the greatest paradox in the story of spirituality is the mystical insight that we are able to experience release only if we ourselves let go. This is the paradox of surrender. Surrender begins with the acceptance that we are not in control of the matter at hand – in fact, we are not in absolute control of anything. Thus the experience of surrender involves the “letting in” of reality that becomes possible when we are ready to let go of our illusions and pretensions (our “unreality”).
….
What blocks release more than anything else is the refusal to “let go” that comes from the demand for security, for certainty, for assured results. Release, like spirituality itself, requires risk.
Tempting though it may be to hang onto his infidelity as evidence of your being right, it ultimately serves you no purpose. Whether you choose to divorce him or to reconcile, until you can move past this (enormous) breach of trust, it will own and define both you and him. I say this without regard to him - this is about your sanity, your recovery, and your ability to move forward in your life.….
What blocks release more than anything else is the refusal to “let go” that comes from the demand for security, for certainty, for assured results. Release, like spirituality itself, requires risk.
Be gentle to yourself, and move on when you are able.
Thank you. I really like this piece.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
My XAH cheated. It had been going on for a long time with a girl but he begged, pleaded and promised and my kids were 5 and 1 year old and I gave him another chance.
He cheated again and I caught him redhanded.
Time is your friend and we cannot know the future without it unfolding before us. It has been 25 years since I threw the bum out and he has had regrets every single day of every year. I have had no regrets because I knew that I knew that he was one of those that were serial cheaters (admitted sex addict).
He cheated again and I caught him redhanded.
Time is your friend and we cannot know the future without it unfolding before us. It has been 25 years since I threw the bum out and he has had regrets every single day of every year. I have had no regrets because I knew that I knew that he was one of those that were serial cheaters (admitted sex addict).
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Join Date: May 2014
Location: Texas
Posts: 107
I think everyone can say they have a certain line that can't be crossed, or something that's a "dealbreaker," but until you're actually in that situation, there's no way you can know how you'll react. There are always circumstances and other things to consider. Your husband is in recovery now, and while that doesn't excuse him of things in the past, it does indicate his willingness to walk a new path. Given that he hasn't reached step 8 and 9 yet, it's really irrelevant to speculate whether he would have told you or not. The important thing is that he was honest, he owned up to it, and he is willing to go to counseling, work his program, etc. If there was ever a case in which this could be overcome, this is it. But ultimately, our opinions don't matter, because this is YOUR life. You are the only one who has all the information to make the decision, and only you know what you can endure and what you can't. I support you in whatever you decide! You are very brave.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
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My two cents:
This is therapy stuff.
When you ask questions about infidelity to a group like this you are going to get a million different responses and they're all fueled by each person's individual experiences. That's part of what makes therapy so great is that therapists really do not bring much of their own personal stuff into your sessions at all. It's most about you and their unbiased education about whatever you're experiencing.
My own personal view on cheating is that it is my very well known line in the sand. If my AH ever boinks anyone else, I'll be done. Period. There would be nothing more to say, no conversations to be had. It's not difficult to keep one's penis in their pants and like Anvil said, there are a LOT of steps that need to happen before sex happens - which means he would have had to be crossing that line for a long time. Kind of like how relapse starts long before alcohol is actually consumed. In my mind it's the ultimate break of trust and sign of disrespect and indifference. That's my own personal view. My own baggage with this is that my step-dad cheated on my mom when I was a kid - then they divorced.
I do agree with Lexie in that alcohol does cause alcoholics to behave in ways that do not define them however, in the arena of infidelity I strongly disagree. Sex with an old friend crosses so many lines, especially in a long standing monogamous marriage, in my very humble opinion.
This is therapy stuff.
When you ask questions about infidelity to a group like this you are going to get a million different responses and they're all fueled by each person's individual experiences. That's part of what makes therapy so great is that therapists really do not bring much of their own personal stuff into your sessions at all. It's most about you and their unbiased education about whatever you're experiencing.
My own personal view on cheating is that it is my very well known line in the sand. If my AH ever boinks anyone else, I'll be done. Period. There would be nothing more to say, no conversations to be had. It's not difficult to keep one's penis in their pants and like Anvil said, there are a LOT of steps that need to happen before sex happens - which means he would have had to be crossing that line for a long time. Kind of like how relapse starts long before alcohol is actually consumed. In my mind it's the ultimate break of trust and sign of disrespect and indifference. That's my own personal view. My own baggage with this is that my step-dad cheated on my mom when I was a kid - then they divorced.
I do agree with Lexie in that alcohol does cause alcoholics to behave in ways that do not define them however, in the arena of infidelity I strongly disagree. Sex with an old friend crosses so many lines, especially in a long standing monogamous marriage, in my very humble opinion.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
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Couldn't say what to do, as my stance is zero tolerance for cheating. I've been there before and I know that I could never personally be comfortable with a partner who was unfaithful for any reason. It's always going to be there... why did he turn his phone away from me? Why did he take that call in private? Why has he been out late when he never was before? The littlest things ate me alive, and therefore I put that boundary in place. You may be able to tuck it away and never wonder again. That's a decision only you can make.
I do think it's seriously weird to hold onto a text like that for two years, though. Who does that?
I do think it's seriously weird to hold onto a text like that for two years, though. Who does that?
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Join Date: May 2012
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My husband had an affair while he was actively using... in our case I Know Without a Doubt the drugs altered his behavior and was the cause of his cheating.. this and the low self esteem, need for acceptance, his mental state at the time.. she approved of his drug use because she partied with him, etc. \
We got through it, and are stronger now than ever. I trust him completely. It took therapy and marriage counseling to work through all the emotions.
There is a book you might like called: Beyond the Affair, Healing of a Marriage
One thing I will say is.. you really have to deal with it and then move on... he cant go back and change it.. all you have is the here and now & the future. Never let the past shortchange your future...
We got through it, and are stronger now than ever. I trust him completely. It took therapy and marriage counseling to work through all the emotions.
There is a book you might like called: Beyond the Affair, Healing of a Marriage
One thing I will say is.. you really have to deal with it and then move on... he cant go back and change it.. all you have is the here and now & the future. Never let the past shortchange your future...
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Originally Posted by Fandy
Being an "active alcoholic" does NOT excuse screwing other women, it is not a *pass*.
it's another form of abuse against their spouse.
for me it CERTAINLY IS a "line in the sand".
it's another form of abuse against their spouse.
for me it CERTAINLY IS a "line in the sand".
I gave mine.
You gave yours again..and attacked mine.
Seriously Fandy?
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My rule and RAH's is infidelity is a deal breaker. But like Anvilhead circumstances can change that. If I found out this was a recent happening I feel I would end the relationship. At this time after much work on our marriage and being in a really good spot after a lot of work if I were to find out he cheated on me 2 years ago I don't think my reaction would be to end the relationship.
In my book (and its just mine) there are different types of cheating. A one night stand vs. a many nights stand with many women two years ago or two days ago would illicit the same reaction I would be finished. Serial cheating generally doesn't go away.
A one night stand vs. an affair. I am not sure I would get over an affair even from two years ago. Perhaps, but I would have to walk in those shoes first.
That he kept the text I think is because he intended to tell you, or he intended to have some "defense" should you ever find out. For as long as this has remained hidden that he still kept it I think significant because you could have always found it. To me it does show that he has a conscience because the need to have it should have abated a long time ago - if he just wanted to pretend like it never happened he would have deleted the text. Had he not told you I doubt you would have ever found out.
Now the flip side - I am not one who believes alcohol causes people to do things they wouldn't do otherwise. I do know it lowers inhibitions - to me revealing desires that are already there not creating ones that don't exist otherwise. Maybe two years ago the relationship between you and he was rocky to begin with but lets not give a hall pass to "I was drunk so I did it".
Secondly, I don't like "This upset me so badly that I started drinking heavily". Hmmm. That's blame shifting to me, and I also would not accept that. Own it Pal. It was ONE night not an ongoing thing he was lying/hiding daily. "I ****ed up" is sufficient.
In your shoes I would just have to wait to see how I felt. I get the relief part of it. After all you have been through with this man its kind of anti-climatic (not taking away that its shocking) but you have feared of your life and his through this whole journey. Now he is working hard. I think there is a range of emotion that you will feel that you haven't yet. At first relief, later anger. More will be revealed as to how you will feel in a week or later. At that time you will be able to decide if this is a deal breaker or not.
In my book (and its just mine) there are different types of cheating. A one night stand vs. a many nights stand with many women two years ago or two days ago would illicit the same reaction I would be finished. Serial cheating generally doesn't go away.
A one night stand vs. an affair. I am not sure I would get over an affair even from two years ago. Perhaps, but I would have to walk in those shoes first.
That he kept the text I think is because he intended to tell you, or he intended to have some "defense" should you ever find out. For as long as this has remained hidden that he still kept it I think significant because you could have always found it. To me it does show that he has a conscience because the need to have it should have abated a long time ago - if he just wanted to pretend like it never happened he would have deleted the text. Had he not told you I doubt you would have ever found out.
Now the flip side - I am not one who believes alcohol causes people to do things they wouldn't do otherwise. I do know it lowers inhibitions - to me revealing desires that are already there not creating ones that don't exist otherwise. Maybe two years ago the relationship between you and he was rocky to begin with but lets not give a hall pass to "I was drunk so I did it".
Secondly, I don't like "This upset me so badly that I started drinking heavily". Hmmm. That's blame shifting to me, and I also would not accept that. Own it Pal. It was ONE night not an ongoing thing he was lying/hiding daily. "I ****ed up" is sufficient.
In your shoes I would just have to wait to see how I felt. I get the relief part of it. After all you have been through with this man its kind of anti-climatic (not taking away that its shocking) but you have feared of your life and his through this whole journey. Now he is working hard. I think there is a range of emotion that you will feel that you haven't yet. At first relief, later anger. More will be revealed as to how you will feel in a week or later. At that time you will be able to decide if this is a deal breaker or not.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
I thought this was interesting:
The Propensity to Cheat May Be Genetically Predetermined
A study conducted by Binghamton University linked a specific genetic variation with infidelity — the same genetic variation, apparently, which has also been linked with alcohol consumption, gambling, a love of horror films, and openness to new social situations.
Nobody knows how many people "cheat" but studies claim anywhere from 25% to 50% admit to a partner having had extramarital sex at some point. One night stands or long term affairs are both cheating but one is more despicable than the other. Many of those interviewed claim they had happy marriages but still cheated.
One article I read suggested that the spouse struggling with a partner who has cheated have the opportunity to discuss the situation for 15 minutes each day for as long as she or he needs to. This gives an opportunity to process the hurt but puts a cap on the time to allow the healing to take place over time. When the day comes you don't need the 15 minutes anymore will be a day of celebration for both.
Regaining trust is what is so hard. My XAH was a no good lying dog that drank and used drugs behind my back... it was easy to add the girlfriend as he had no ethical boundaries. Lying and cheating go hand in hand and I never could have trusted him again no matter what... our marriage was irretrievably broken.
But if you still love this man and want him in your life Dear Abby would tell you to ask yourself if you are better off with him or without him?
And as you have been reminded... only you can choose your future based on your heart and your head. This forum is full of women who have experienced what you have but most of us have ditched a bum so we are very anti-cheater!
But we all wish you the best and if you give your "bum" another chance you have my prayers that your marriage is one of the ones that heal and grow stronger as you work through it. And if you curb him someday we won't tell you we "told you so" ... we know how hard this is for you and how much betrayal hurts.
The Propensity to Cheat May Be Genetically Predetermined
A study conducted by Binghamton University linked a specific genetic variation with infidelity — the same genetic variation, apparently, which has also been linked with alcohol consumption, gambling, a love of horror films, and openness to new social situations.
Nobody knows how many people "cheat" but studies claim anywhere from 25% to 50% admit to a partner having had extramarital sex at some point. One night stands or long term affairs are both cheating but one is more despicable than the other. Many of those interviewed claim they had happy marriages but still cheated.
One article I read suggested that the spouse struggling with a partner who has cheated have the opportunity to discuss the situation for 15 minutes each day for as long as she or he needs to. This gives an opportunity to process the hurt but puts a cap on the time to allow the healing to take place over time. When the day comes you don't need the 15 minutes anymore will be a day of celebration for both.
Regaining trust is what is so hard. My XAH was a no good lying dog that drank and used drugs behind my back... it was easy to add the girlfriend as he had no ethical boundaries. Lying and cheating go hand in hand and I never could have trusted him again no matter what... our marriage was irretrievably broken.
But if you still love this man and want him in your life Dear Abby would tell you to ask yourself if you are better off with him or without him?
And as you have been reminded... only you can choose your future based on your heart and your head. This forum is full of women who have experienced what you have but most of us have ditched a bum so we are very anti-cheater!
But we all wish you the best and if you give your "bum" another chance you have my prayers that your marriage is one of the ones that heal and grow stronger as you work through it. And if you curb him someday we won't tell you we "told you so" ... we know how hard this is for you and how much betrayal hurts.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
I'm sorry Jarp. Reading your first post I felt you had a handle on your personal feelings and you are utilizing the proper supports etc. Can't ask more than that!
I don't have any personal experience with cheating so I can't comment. I've said in the past it was a deal breaker but I said a lot of things were deal breakers that turned out not to be when it came down to it. There are so many variables that would play into it.
I've never deleted a single text in my life so I don't find that odd.
Hang in there!
I don't have any personal experience with cheating so I can't comment. I've said in the past it was a deal breaker but I said a lot of things were deal breakers that turned out not to be when it came down to it. There are so many variables that would play into it.
I've never deleted a single text in my life so I don't find that odd.
Hang in there!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Jarp....on a public forum, such as this....you are going to get opinions of every possible variety. Can't be helped. Eeevery one has an opinion.
The philosophy of taking what you NEED or what is helpful to you....and leave the rest, is, I believe, a good one!!
dandylion
The philosophy of taking what you NEED or what is helpful to you....and leave the rest, is, I believe, a good one!!
dandylion
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 524
I didn't read all the replies here but I just wanted to say, I wish I could have forgiven my A for everything he did. I wish I could have gone to counseling and put my all into it. and feel "ok" and "hopeful" and "at peace" - But I couldn't. I just couldn't. And I wish things didn't go the way they did. This is not what I ever wanted (pending divorce and 2 little kids).
If you feel you are onto something here, that you can save your marriage - then go for it - that's what I say.... Your posts sound well thought out and reasonable. I can understand what you are saying and part of me is a tad envious because like I said - this is not where I thought I would be when I met my A
On another note - just days before my A went to rehab I caught him just about smack dab in the middle of an emotional affair with an ex from another life. I know he didn't do anything and yes i know some of you are saying how do you know, you cant say for sure, thats what I thought - but I am telling you - it didn't get intimate but it was an emotional affair no doubt.
That was one of several "that's it's" for me. After ALL he put me through there was no way in H&LL was I takin one for that team - H*LL no.
And it wasn't because I cared that much about him - it was because I cared that much about ME.
But this was pre-rehab. I digress...
If you feel you are onto something here, that you can save your marriage - then go for it - that's what I say.... Your posts sound well thought out and reasonable. I can understand what you are saying and part of me is a tad envious because like I said - this is not where I thought I would be when I met my A
On another note - just days before my A went to rehab I caught him just about smack dab in the middle of an emotional affair with an ex from another life. I know he didn't do anything and yes i know some of you are saying how do you know, you cant say for sure, thats what I thought - but I am telling you - it didn't get intimate but it was an emotional affair no doubt.
That was one of several "that's it's" for me. After ALL he put me through there was no way in H&LL was I takin one for that team - H*LL no.
And it wasn't because I cared that much about him - it was because I cared that much about ME.
But this was pre-rehab. I digress...
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
This...
Ultimately Jarp only you will be able to decide if you can trust him, if he is worth that trust, and if you can get past all of this.
No matter what you decide, we are here for you. There is nothing you have to decide today or tomorrow. Maybe here is a wise time to say that more will be revealed in the future, until then, it's a step at a time my dear friend.
I am so proud of all the hard work you are doing!
XXX
Ultimately Jarp only you will be able to decide if you can trust him, if he is worth that trust, and if you can get past all of this.
No matter what you decide, we are here for you. There is nothing you have to decide today or tomorrow. Maybe here is a wise time to say that more will be revealed in the future, until then, it's a step at a time my dear friend.
I am so proud of all the hard work you are doing!
XXX
Originally Posted by firebolt
People always say in here: more will be revealed. Maybe that applies to this situation with him. You guys are doing ALL the right things. Sobriety, counseling, working programs - ALL THAT! You don't have to do anything this second. Kudos to him for coming clean 2 years later, and a BIG HUG to you.
I agree with a lot of people in here - cheating would be a deal breaker for ME, however I have seen SEVERAL relationships make it through infidelity to become better and stronger than ever. Just takes HARD work from both parties - many cannot do it.
We've ALL put up with a lot of abuse from our alcoholics. I can't prioritize which abuse is worse than the other for you. I just want to send you strength, peace, and a clear head. Keep up the good work, you are doing just fine all things considered!~
I agree with a lot of people in here - cheating would be a deal breaker for ME, however I have seen SEVERAL relationships make it through infidelity to become better and stronger than ever. Just takes HARD work from both parties - many cannot do it.
We've ALL put up with a lot of abuse from our alcoholics. I can't prioritize which abuse is worse than the other for you. I just want to send you strength, peace, and a clear head. Keep up the good work, you are doing just fine all things considered!~
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
I think that I read a thread by Jarp last week where you stated you were so proud of him for being 7 whole weeks sober.
then you get this.
If you had never asked him, would he have been truthful with you or just swept this under the rug? Like someone said above, you don't have to make any decisions today and you have your home and lifestyle to consider along with your kids.
you seem to be doing just as much work as he is, if not more.
then you get this.
If you had never asked him, would he have been truthful with you or just swept this under the rug? Like someone said above, you don't have to make any decisions today and you have your home and lifestyle to consider along with your kids.
you seem to be doing just as much work as he is, if not more.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
As far as feeling ok throughout this revelation - I'd say it's partially normal and not cause for concern for several reasons:
You're in therapy. You're aware and working to fix the whole codependancy thing.
You've been through a lot, and you have learned how to deal with stressful situations, piece by piece.
I think our bodies protect us a bit - i've been through some traumatic situations / events, and I recall feeling abnormally calm also. I think our bodies shut parts of us down a little, so we can deal with it in bits. It's NORMAL.
Again - you're doing just fine Jarp. Take care and bee ever so good to yourself.
You're in therapy. You're aware and working to fix the whole codependancy thing.
You've been through a lot, and you have learned how to deal with stressful situations, piece by piece.
I think our bodies protect us a bit - i've been through some traumatic situations / events, and I recall feeling abnormally calm also. I think our bodies shut parts of us down a little, so we can deal with it in bits. It's NORMAL.
Again - you're doing just fine Jarp. Take care and bee ever so good to yourself.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Australia
Posts: 537
Thanks everyone so much for all your support and encouragement. I know this is a subject that, regardless of whether you have personal experience or not is going to elicit strong responses. I also realise it's triggering for some.
I've decided to not make a decision! We've been talking in a way I don't think we ever have before. He's sticking to his recovery plan regardless and me to mine. We've come up with a plan 'for now' which involves intensive mc. He's claiming he'll do whatever it takes, for as long as it takes. I'm going to give him the chance to show me what he can do whilst I work out if I can forgive him and stay, forgive him but leave, or to not forgive him at all. I need to take time to do this to ensure it is true forgiveness and not just my coldie side kicking in wanting to make it all ok. Plus all the rebuilding of trust, communication , intimacy.
He also needs to prove is recovering from his addiction, and rebuild all the trust has been broken because of this.
So for now I wait to see what else will be revealed.
I've decided to not make a decision! We've been talking in a way I don't think we ever have before. He's sticking to his recovery plan regardless and me to mine. We've come up with a plan 'for now' which involves intensive mc. He's claiming he'll do whatever it takes, for as long as it takes. I'm going to give him the chance to show me what he can do whilst I work out if I can forgive him and stay, forgive him but leave, or to not forgive him at all. I need to take time to do this to ensure it is true forgiveness and not just my coldie side kicking in wanting to make it all ok. Plus all the rebuilding of trust, communication , intimacy.
He also needs to prove is recovering from his addiction, and rebuild all the trust has been broken because of this.
So for now I wait to see what else will be revealed.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Australia
Posts: 537
Thanks everyone so much for all your support and encouragement. I know this is a subject that, regardless of whether you have personal experience or not is going to elicit strong responses. I also realise it's triggering for some.
I've decided to not make a decision! We've been talking in a way I don't think we ever have before. He's sticking to his recovery plan regardless and me to mine. We've come up with a plan 'for now' which involves intensive mc. He's claiming he'll do whatever it takes, for as long as it takes. I'm going to give him the chance to show me what he can do whilst I work out if I can forgive him and stay, forgive him but leave, or to not forgive him at all. I need to take time to do this to ensure it is true forgiveness and not just my coldie side kicking in wanting to make it all ok. Plus all the rebuilding of trust, communication , intimacy.
He also needs to prove is recovering from his addiction, and rebuild all the trust has been broken because of this.
So for now I wait to see what else will be revealed.
I've decided to not make a decision! We've been talking in a way I don't think we ever have before. He's sticking to his recovery plan regardless and me to mine. We've come up with a plan 'for now' which involves intensive mc. He's claiming he'll do whatever it takes, for as long as it takes. I'm going to give him the chance to show me what he can do whilst I work out if I can forgive him and stay, forgive him but leave, or to not forgive him at all. I need to take time to do this to ensure it is true forgiveness and not just my coldie side kicking in wanting to make it all ok. Plus all the rebuilding of trust, communication , intimacy.
He also needs to prove is recovering from his addiction, and rebuild all the trust has been broken because of this.
So for now I wait to see what else will be revealed.
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 59
Hi Jarp,
I'm so sorry to hear you are going through this. Unfortunately, like others who have posted, I have experience in this too.
One thing I learned from going through this is you don't have to make a decision now about whether it is forgivable to you or not, nor do you have to judge yourself on the rightness of your reactions compared to some previously untested view you might have held on this particular issue. You can also give this time and space (as in Dandylion's recent thread) to let it come to you as to whether you can/want to get past this.
I found the affair texts between my XAH and his now girlfriend in Feb 2013. Just like Seren said, the pain was beyond anything I could possibly have imagined, particularly as it was not just physical but also a clear emotional bond between them (validated by her meeting his mother 3 weeks after we finally called it quits).
I could have walked away the moment I found those texts - legitimately called him out as a d-bag and that I was wronged, and ended the marriage right then and nobody would have batted an eye and I would have gotten lots of sympathy, yadda yadda yadda.
But I surprised (shocked?) myself by choosing to stick around to see if it was repairable and to try to fix some of the things in me that might have contributed. Exactly like Seren's XAH, mine ultimately showed me by his actions in blowing off counseling etc that he didn't care about our marriage and 18 months later we were kaput.
Whether it was the cheating, the booze, the verbal abuse, the disrespect that was the final straw for me - I don't know and it really doesn't matter. I do know that I was proud of myself for giving myself the time to sort out whether I could live with this particular issue or not. I leaned that I had the potential to forgive the unforgivable. That was a gift I got out of this whole mess - knowing my own capacity for forgiveness. Even though he ultimately proved himself unworthy of that forgiveness, I know I have that potential for forgiveness inside me.
You don't have to be hasty and decide today or tomorrow or next week or next month. Just like the rest of the symptoms of the alcoholic syndrome that we deal with, you can let the answers come to you whenever the time is right - whether that be sooner or later.
(If you need an infidelity resource, I found the Ask Suzie website to be very helpful)
Best of luck to you,
Sally
I'm so sorry to hear you are going through this. Unfortunately, like others who have posted, I have experience in this too.
One thing I learned from going through this is you don't have to make a decision now about whether it is forgivable to you or not, nor do you have to judge yourself on the rightness of your reactions compared to some previously untested view you might have held on this particular issue. You can also give this time and space (as in Dandylion's recent thread) to let it come to you as to whether you can/want to get past this.
I found the affair texts between my XAH and his now girlfriend in Feb 2013. Just like Seren said, the pain was beyond anything I could possibly have imagined, particularly as it was not just physical but also a clear emotional bond between them (validated by her meeting his mother 3 weeks after we finally called it quits).
I could have walked away the moment I found those texts - legitimately called him out as a d-bag and that I was wronged, and ended the marriage right then and nobody would have batted an eye and I would have gotten lots of sympathy, yadda yadda yadda.
But I surprised (shocked?) myself by choosing to stick around to see if it was repairable and to try to fix some of the things in me that might have contributed. Exactly like Seren's XAH, mine ultimately showed me by his actions in blowing off counseling etc that he didn't care about our marriage and 18 months later we were kaput.
Whether it was the cheating, the booze, the verbal abuse, the disrespect that was the final straw for me - I don't know and it really doesn't matter. I do know that I was proud of myself for giving myself the time to sort out whether I could live with this particular issue or not. I leaned that I had the potential to forgive the unforgivable. That was a gift I got out of this whole mess - knowing my own capacity for forgiveness. Even though he ultimately proved himself unworthy of that forgiveness, I know I have that potential for forgiveness inside me.
You don't have to be hasty and decide today or tomorrow or next week or next month. Just like the rest of the symptoms of the alcoholic syndrome that we deal with, you can let the answers come to you whenever the time is right - whether that be sooner or later.
(If you need an infidelity resource, I found the Ask Suzie website to be very helpful)
Best of luck to you,
Sally
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Australia
Posts: 537
Thank you sallytaylor what an amazing message, thank you for sharing your story, experience and knowledge with me. I really appreciate it snd really hope that regardless of the outcome that I get to the same place of forgiveness...if only to feel happiness that I have that capacity. Thank you.
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