Parent enablers
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 85
OK. Thank you for the other examples of: inlaw enablers gone wild. Please keep them coming - it does help me not feel so bad. (Its like watching the bad takes of American Idol try outs.)
Sorry. if that sounds wrong.
but there is part of me that wishes I was still part of team awesome....when I am being hit over the head by them behind the curtain.
I know that I had to get off the merry-go-round.
I have found peace and a slower and definitely less glamorous life. But I can see why I got sucked in initially. If you didn't know the dirty secret. They do very awesome things (and very expensive.) But the highs and lows aren't worth it.
Someone will step in to my old place soon. They are awesome recruiters.
Sorry. if that sounds wrong.
but there is part of me that wishes I was still part of team awesome....when I am being hit over the head by them behind the curtain.
I know that I had to get off the merry-go-round.
I have found peace and a slower and definitely less glamorous life. But I can see why I got sucked in initially. If you didn't know the dirty secret. They do very awesome things (and very expensive.) But the highs and lows aren't worth it.
Someone will step in to my old place soon. They are awesome recruiters.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Olney, MD
Posts: 268
My MIL is an enabler codie galore. Right now frankly I'm not worried about the financial part of the enabling. They sent RAH to a ritzy rehab (our insurance did pick up the bulk tbh) but they paid the rest. They arranged him to go and subsequently be out of a job for 3 months (which again, tbh was a good thing) but we cannot live on just the salary I pull in. So they have been buying gas and groceries for us, which I suppose you could call enabling but it is benefitting me as well so.........
According to MIL RAH is a perfect precious angel so SOMETHING must have happened to make him drink. Since I live with him, it MUST be my fault. I have cut off contact with her entirely. It sucks and hurts because I felt closer to his parents than I did my own and told her things that I never even told my own mother and in a way has trashed what little trust I have in people in general. So I get it.
According to MIL RAH is a perfect precious angel so SOMETHING must have happened to make him drink. Since I live with him, it MUST be my fault. I have cut off contact with her entirely. It sucks and hurts because I felt closer to his parents than I did my own and told her things that I never even told my own mother and in a way has trashed what little trust I have in people in general. So I get it.
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,254
Originally Posted by Alaskachick 
LadyinBC is spot on. His parents are currently “keeping him sober and in line”. This is a parent and child relationship; however you don’t want to be his parent, you want to be his partner. It’s not your responsibility to keep him sober nor is it his parent’s responsibility. As a mother I understand the urge to protect your child from the consequences of their behavior, but I’ve also learned that it's not always in their best interest to do so. As LadyinBC said they can’t do this forever.
I don't know how bad the problem is but it's not bad enough that he can't think somewhat to manipulate or fool his parents either. He knows his parents would be his last resort so he doesn't want to spoil that just yet. Got to remember to that a lot of kids put on an act for parents and others all the time. Here image and affirmation from friends and family are over prioritized to his own detriment. Sooner or later the real person comes out no matter the relationship.
Hopefully that relationship helps him out although it is extremely easy to do too much for him. Sounds like he wants to be comfortable 24/7 which means those pesky details in daily life on his own could be too much.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 85
I appreciate that there is a shared experience here. And I am not alone. When you care...and lovED someone - you wish you could have helped but I made a choice to get off the cycle. His parents are elderly. They can't change and only want to know that they did everything they could for their children - even if the children are all adults. I get that. Family first. But at the same time the blinders do impact me and the kids.
There is a problem. And by saying so - I am quickly blamed as the problem. Not their family.
I get it.
Get back on my side of the road. And stop paying attention or rubber necking at the accident.
There is a problem. And by saying so - I am quickly blamed as the problem. Not their family.
I get it.
Get back on my side of the road. And stop paying attention or rubber necking at the accident.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
My FIL was dead long before I arrived on the scene and my MIL died shortly before my ex moved out. She didn't know we separated. I can't fault any of my in-laws for any of their behavior. Their family is a web of alcoholism and codependency but I can't say any of them were or are awful. One SIL in particular 'got it' as she has been through al-anon already. My ex did go stay with her for awhile before he checked into his last rehab. I am not in touch with any of my inlaws - so my kids have no contact with any cousins or aunts and uncles on that side. I suppose I'm partially to blame for that because I have not done anything to reach out to them either. I'm so tired and overwhelmed all the time. I just don't have the energy or care enough I guess but our world is very very small now. Both my parents are also gone. I have one brother and he has two kids but I don't see them very often.
I come from a family that had big family gatherings with grandparents and cousins and aunts/uncles from both sides. When I was married we had the inlaws over and sometimes my dad and my brother when his kids were small. It is just the kids and I now. It seems so weird and foreign and small but it is OK. We are going to go to a community dinner for Thanksgiving. It is hard when you build a life with a family and it all vanishes but you find a way to make a new normal.
I come from a family that had big family gatherings with grandparents and cousins and aunts/uncles from both sides. When I was married we had the inlaws over and sometimes my dad and my brother when his kids were small. It is just the kids and I now. It seems so weird and foreign and small but it is OK. We are going to go to a community dinner for Thanksgiving. It is hard when you build a life with a family and it all vanishes but you find a way to make a new normal.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 85
I guess I see - what started as a vent... is really masking that I am grieving - that I am not part of his family that I was so close to and believed in and in a lot of ways kept me hooked for so long.
Thanks everyone for your posts.
Everyone looses a lot of good and bad because of alcohol.
Thanks everyone for your posts.
Everyone looses a lot of good and bad because of alcohol.
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
My XILs totally support my XAH and his adult sister. His sister is gainfully employed, but they bought her a house, and support her clothes/tiny dogs/vacation lifestyle. She claimed for awhile that she was an alcoholic too, then stopped saying it when she realized she'd have to quit drinking. I wonder whether XFIL doesn't have a drinking problem. So many crazy and dramatic stories about their drinking and letting loose an avalanche of grievances. One Father's Day, the sister announced at dinner that she had herpes, then commanded the rest of the day with her herpes outbreak.
After I kicked my XAH out for good, they welcomed him back into their home and the walls went up. I'm not allowed to see what's behind the walls. For me, they put on a real good show, all is well, we are fine, nothing to see. They pay his child support for DD3, his car, gas, insurance, cigarettes, food, clothes, divorce lawyer, and rehab. He drinks in their house and pretends he doesn't. They pretend not to know, choose not to see. He recently got a minimum wage job, and they are convinced this is the key to his long-term sobriety. I know from experience that as soon as he gets a paycheck in his pocket, it's a matter of time before he "officially" relapses again in a big way. He works no program, has no friends left, chooses not to use the resources at his disposal. He says he goes to AA, but I'm pretty sure he just parks somewhere are screws around on his phone for an hour, smoking cigarettes. It's what he used to do with me.
They came from really messed up families. Abuse and drug abuse and alcoholism, suicide. They deny they are cut from the same cloth as the rest of the family. They say everyone else is jealous of them and how they are so happy. One time XFIL said this to me and I almost did a spit take. I was like, do you see yourselves? Your kids are a disaster and you and XMIL are textbook enablers supreme!
They deeply dislike me. They think I was mean to him, and he got worse because of me. I tried to tell them there was a problem with him, that he drank too much and I was worried, back before the **** hit the fan. They told me flat out it was my problem. When my XAH tried to hang himself in the garage and was nearly successful, they told me it was my problem. They offered no help, support, wisdom, finances, **** yous or get losts. They told me to deal with it and then chose to pretend it never happened. It was a real wake up for me. They were committed to their denial. They would walk their son into an early grave if it meant never dealing with his reality. It was such a selfish and dysfunctional dynamic, and it made me livid.
The pattern has already begun with DD3. She has, at three years old, an arsenal of toys, her own computer, a closet full of clothes. They will pay for anything they want her to want, but never offer money for shoes, a coat, a haircut, daycare, or a dance class, whatever. I'm fine to do all that myself, but it does tell me how they feel. It's a deeply narcissistic relationship they have with their children and only grandchild. My only solace is that they're old, and won't be around forever. Eventually the gravy train ends, and with it, this dynamic.
I grieved this for a long time. It still makes me so sad. I believe if it weren't for them, my XAH has a chance to get and stay sober. With them in his life, he doesn't. For me, I thought I was marrying into such a kind and loving family, but they're arguably more dysfunctional than my dysfunctional, narcissistic family. There are real strings attached to their love and money, mostly your silence and your suffering in private. The privacy is preferable to your actual health.
That's not a life for me.
After I kicked my XAH out for good, they welcomed him back into their home and the walls went up. I'm not allowed to see what's behind the walls. For me, they put on a real good show, all is well, we are fine, nothing to see. They pay his child support for DD3, his car, gas, insurance, cigarettes, food, clothes, divorce lawyer, and rehab. He drinks in their house and pretends he doesn't. They pretend not to know, choose not to see. He recently got a minimum wage job, and they are convinced this is the key to his long-term sobriety. I know from experience that as soon as he gets a paycheck in his pocket, it's a matter of time before he "officially" relapses again in a big way. He works no program, has no friends left, chooses not to use the resources at his disposal. He says he goes to AA, but I'm pretty sure he just parks somewhere are screws around on his phone for an hour, smoking cigarettes. It's what he used to do with me.
They came from really messed up families. Abuse and drug abuse and alcoholism, suicide. They deny they are cut from the same cloth as the rest of the family. They say everyone else is jealous of them and how they are so happy. One time XFIL said this to me and I almost did a spit take. I was like, do you see yourselves? Your kids are a disaster and you and XMIL are textbook enablers supreme!
They deeply dislike me. They think I was mean to him, and he got worse because of me. I tried to tell them there was a problem with him, that he drank too much and I was worried, back before the **** hit the fan. They told me flat out it was my problem. When my XAH tried to hang himself in the garage and was nearly successful, they told me it was my problem. They offered no help, support, wisdom, finances, **** yous or get losts. They told me to deal with it and then chose to pretend it never happened. It was a real wake up for me. They were committed to their denial. They would walk their son into an early grave if it meant never dealing with his reality. It was such a selfish and dysfunctional dynamic, and it made me livid.
The pattern has already begun with DD3. She has, at three years old, an arsenal of toys, her own computer, a closet full of clothes. They will pay for anything they want her to want, but never offer money for shoes, a coat, a haircut, daycare, or a dance class, whatever. I'm fine to do all that myself, but it does tell me how they feel. It's a deeply narcissistic relationship they have with their children and only grandchild. My only solace is that they're old, and won't be around forever. Eventually the gravy train ends, and with it, this dynamic.
I grieved this for a long time. It still makes me so sad. I believe if it weren't for them, my XAH has a chance to get and stay sober. With them in his life, he doesn't. For me, I thought I was marrying into such a kind and loving family, but they're arguably more dysfunctional than my dysfunctional, narcissistic family. There are real strings attached to their love and money, mostly your silence and your suffering in private. The privacy is preferable to your actual health.
That's not a life for me.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 85
Originally Posted by Florence
For me, I thought I was marrying into such a kind and loving family, but they're arguably more dysfunctional than my dysfunctional, narcissistic family. There are real strings attached to their love and money, mostly your silence and your suffering in private. The privacy is preferable to your actual health.That's not a life for me.
Wow. I get it.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
It’s ok to miss some of the good parts of your life, the good memories. Just because some bad things happen doesn’t mean it takes away all the good that happened.
I’m sure you are missing those good parts with his family and yes it’s called grieving.
Good people enable without intention and as you said, they are doing the best they can with what they know. You have grown more than they have in regards to addiction. It’s hard to –UN-know something once you know it. Playing the pretend game becomes painstakingly hard.
Addicts have a hard time with responsibility in life, living life as a responsible independent adult. From all you have shared, this isn’t a grown up man, this is an adult man who is choosing to still have his mommy and daddy take care of his life for him.
You could go round and round on what they do and how they do it but at the end of the day this grown man is choosing not to really be a grown man.
I’m sure you are missing those good parts with his family and yes it’s called grieving.
Good people enable without intention and as you said, they are doing the best they can with what they know. You have grown more than they have in regards to addiction. It’s hard to –UN-know something once you know it. Playing the pretend game becomes painstakingly hard.
Addicts have a hard time with responsibility in life, living life as a responsible independent adult. From all you have shared, this isn’t a grown up man, this is an adult man who is choosing to still have his mommy and daddy take care of his life for him.
You could go round and round on what they do and how they do it but at the end of the day this grown man is choosing not to really be a grown man.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 85
Originally Posted by atalose
Good people enable without intention and as you said, they are doing the best they can with what they know. You have grown more than they have in regards to addiction. It’s hard to –UN-know something once you know it. Playing the pretend game becomes painstakingly hard.
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Thanks - you got at the heart of what I need to really to grasp.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 598
My AH has moved back in with his folks for the umpteenth time- hopefully this time for good. Major enablers but they are 80 and I try to remember are doing the best they can. They should not have to be worried with AH. She washes his clothes - makes him food- cleans his room- he had agree to go to rehab years ago and they talked him out of it - embarrassing to the family- he did not go and continued to drink. He stopped drinking about 3 weeks ago - he said - his Mom told him - it was too hard on him and he needed to start back- he did. I am the devil now- before I was the angel that saved their son from unhappiness - but now that I asked him to leave I am a mean bitch. His Mom and I were close- my parents both died recently so I have no folks. Anyway- they just bought him a 2nd car- he pays nothing to live there- well he paid nothing to live with me either as he said I made more I should pay - and stupidly I did. Ok - I ramble - anyway- as long as they continue to do this dance - all of them - they can have each other- literally I live across the street in my house- and I am keeping my side clean and concentrating on me and my stuff. I am feeling peaceful and just have to move forward. Sending you love and hugs and strength and good things!
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