Parent enablers
 

I am separated from AH. My in laws take care of everything for my ex. And also keep him sober and inline, something I was never able to do. Now I am starting to think this might be the issue. Everything works when they are around. Of course they won't talk to me and are still mad at me for leaving their son and I am the one blamed when he has problems....

Does anyone have a similar setup and where your partners parents are not only what keeps things together for AH but also the thorn in your side?

The only person that can keep me sober is me. Don't ever doubt yourself it isn't up to you to keep him sober. That is up to your AH and him alone.

Everything probably works cause they think they are controlling everything. They can't do it forever.

LadyinBC is spot on. His parents are currently “keeping him sober and in line”. This is a parent and child relationship; however you don’t want to be his parent, you want to be his partner. It’s not your responsibility to keep him sober nor is it his parent’s responsibility. As a mother I understand the urge to protect your child from the consequences of their behavior, but I’ve also learned that it's not always in their best interest to do so. As LadyinBC said they can’t do this forever.

I understand and definitely don't want to be in that roll. They lash out at me...probably because now they have to worry about him and rush in to help. "Someone has to"

I remember his dad once said I needed to move back in. That he needed someone to help him laugh and see the joy in life. When I said I needed to see sobriety...and he could tell I was serious...the dad replied with out skipping a beat, do you think we should get a nurse?
No connection in his mind that they are babysitters, a nurse is a medical babysitter, and he wants me to be a comic babysitter

They don't talk to me anymore. I do wonder how long they can keep it up. They are older. I do care about them. But I am just trying to get away from their merry go round. And I see it from a few miles away. Wow round and round they go and I am exhausted by them. Resetting everything groceries, shopping, eating right, go to bed on time..etc. until next time.

Sounds to me like he's one of those guys who can stay sober as long as all life's difficulties are taken care of for him. I'm sure it's exhausting for his parents.

He might do well at a sober living house where there is constant support for sobriety but he is responsible for taking care of himself. Just a thought.

In any event, stepping away from it all, as you intend to, is probably the best move for YOU.

I have been gone for awhile but I still have to interact because of the kids. I am getting better at not letting the little things bother me but it is hard when the kids go over there when things are up and down.

LexieCat, I think "those guys" are actually mythical creatures. I say that because my STBXAH has spent the bulk of his drinking career trying to convince others that he's one of them. Truth is the biggest "difficulty" that life lays down for them is often the distance between drinks. They will fabricate the difficulties if they need to in order to justify the addiction, then use the addiction to justify the need to be taken care of. It's all a beautifully laid out con.

Merrygoround, What's probably best for you is a disciplined approach to you're own recovery, and dealings regarding the children. You're frustrated. But, you're frustrated with their handling of their situation. If you can cross the i's and dot the t's of your own interactions with him then maybe you can mitigate that frustration some.

How much interaction do you actually have with him? With his parents? Are you hanging out when you swap the kids and having conversations? How are they getting the opportunity to "lash out" at you, and is there something you can tweak in your routine to keep them from getting that opportunity?

Then again, maybe you're just frustrated because you're staring at a train wreck. It's hard not to stare, and it's hard not to be frustrated.

My ex's parents tried something very similar to this after I left the position of babysitter vacant. It failed spectacularly for all involved.
I've found it best to keep a distance between me and them. Our only contact is about their grandson. I never even mention their son's name, not even to say that I heard from him or whatever. Better that way, as I am working Alanon recovery and they are still deeply enmeshed in his issues.

merrygoround1. If you look around at the rest of the world.....you will see that the majority of families take the "side" of their own child at the time of a break-up. There are some exceptions, of course, but, that doesn't seem to be the norm. This is even in spite of whatever the dynamics in the relationship were.
It seems to be an inevitable part of the unpleasant fallout from divorce.

I found exactly the same thing when I divorced my children's father. And the years have proven that that was a very wise decision on my part!!

It seem that it is much easier to find fault with someone else's child than ones own. Human nature?

They are (elderly?).....and, they are in denial and ignorant about the nature of alcoholism...which is not unusual, either.
I wold bet that most of their anger is that they have an adult child that they "have" to manage. They probably wish with all their hearts that you would take that "job" off their hands!

Are you absolutely sure that he is totally sober?

If he is not focused on working a strong program of sobriety....his current good behavior is not l ikely to last. They will get fed-up, eventually, if that happens.

My suggestion for you is to just continue to stay on your side of the street, as you have been....because, ultimately, you have no more control over them than you have of him.

I want to tell you how much I know it hurts to have your in-laws say or think less than good things about you. I remember, well...that it just plain hurts.
I did get past all that...over time. It got much easier after the divorce process was final and the dust settled.
(I did remain civil and respectful in the limited contact that we did have...for the sake of the grandchildren).

It might help some if you keep your contact with them to just the necessary stuff about the children.

My promise to you: It will get easier over time.

dandylion

I am not sure that he is sober. When the grandparents are around everyone is on their best behavior. Almost like...hey all is good, we are perfect...

Yes, I limit my interactions with everyone. But there are times that I get untruthful emails laced with scheduling the kids. I only respond to kids schedule now and ignore the rest....but to just vent to you guys...

It will get easier over time.



I hope so!!!
Because even as an outsider I am exhausted watching it. And getting some of the force winds....

The eye of the hurricane worked for years and getting out was a force of nature.
It isn't hard to understand the peace of the center can be easier that going straight out...

Send me some rainbows!

:tapping:tapping:tapping

merrygoround1.....good for you. That is all you can do. Just keep it up.

Vent, anytime. Just label it "VENTILATION" (LOL)

Well, yes and no. The thing is, LIFE is difficult. Sometimes having everything taken care of can work for a while (which actually is one of the concepts behind rehab), but it certainly isn't a long-term solution. I meant it in a temporary sense. It explains why, FOR A WHILE, he can stay sober more easily at mom and dad's. If he were taking advantage of that time to throw himself into recovery, going to meetings, working the steps, working with a sponsor, it might actually help. But just being taken care of only works for a little while.

:Vchocolate02::Valdog::doggy:

merrygoround.....couldn't find any rainbows, this morning....

BUT, we send you a nice box of candy.....

dandylion

The parents too are taking on a job that does not belong to them. It won't last.

XXX

I have become such a non-believer of anything that comes out of an active addicts mouth, which leads me to say, how can you be certain he is not drinking under his parents roof?

Perhaps mommy and daddy are not as tuned in as they think they are.

So here is an adult grown man running back to the nest for mommy and daddy to protect him because YOU cause him so many problems in life. ( shaking head)

Sorry to say, as long as they continue enable him , nothing is going to change.

Sending you tons of support.

I'm not buying that he's sober. They're clueless. If they had a thought to look for it hard enough, they'd find it.

Sue

And just to prove nothing is wrong - they are planning a huge holiday extravaganza. Kids will go and have fun with the family. But it isn't just about family time, it is about a show and image - we are the best - look at us. No problems here.

Yes, I used to be a part of the crew. And hid the problems too. Now their in your face, we are awesome --is annoying.

VENT VENT VENT

Sounds like your ex inlaws should also have live animals and angels flying on wires to complete their show.
Good for you that you made the decision to go only to the moviehouse for drama. Hang in there!