AH wants to come along on a visit to my support peeps
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 76
AH wants to come along on a visit to my support peeps
I am planning a visit in a few weeks for a weekend visit to my family and my best friend, bringing along my 7 year old son. They all live 3-4 hours drive away and they want to give my son his Christmas gifts and have a holiday visit as we now stay home for Christmas. These folks are also my support structure - this year I finally started to confide in a few family members and my best friend about my AH, after years of suffering privately. So I am looking forward to having more heart to hearts with them during my visit. My AH doesn't know I've told anyone about his drinking.
When I mentioned that I am planning a weekend visit there with our son, he said he wants to come along. Usually he would be coming with me on a pre-Christmas visit, and often on other visits there too.
Dang!!! Dang!!! Dang!!! This puts a real damper on a weekend I was really looking forward to. And it will be uncomfortable for my best friend in particular who I just started to confide in a few months ago and she is worried about me. I want to stay overnight with her, but it won't be great if he's there, and she's having to act polite, and we can't have a talk...
How do I let him know I don't want him to come so it's not obvious it's because I'll be talking about him?
When I mentioned that I am planning a weekend visit there with our son, he said he wants to come along. Usually he would be coming with me on a pre-Christmas visit, and often on other visits there too.
Dang!!! Dang!!! Dang!!! This puts a real damper on a weekend I was really looking forward to. And it will be uncomfortable for my best friend in particular who I just started to confide in a few months ago and she is worried about me. I want to stay overnight with her, but it won't be great if he's there, and she's having to act polite, and we can't have a talk...
How do I let him know I don't want him to come so it's not obvious it's because I'll be talking about him?
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Just say you wanted some one-on-one time with your girlfriend. Tell him you planned an old-fashioned sleepover with her, do each other's hair and make popcorn. Or something along those lines. Make it as girly sounding as you can.
Hugs, sounds like something that would be VERY therapeutic!
Hugs, sounds like something that would be VERY therapeutic!
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: My Happy Place
Posts: 700
You and your son can do whatever you want to do.
It does not require his permission or his presence.
This is the same guy who peed the bed. That would be one big reason not to take him on any overnight visits. He knows his drinking is a problem for you, that's reason enough to go it alone.
It does not require his permission or his presence.
This is the same guy who peed the bed. That would be one big reason not to take him on any overnight visits. He knows his drinking is a problem for you, that's reason enough to go it alone.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
lucy--just like LexieCat described..... I would tell him very emphatically that you are needing some "private girl time". (which is true!). Every woman--especially with children--do need this.
Just like men need their "guy time" ...to watch sports...work on their cars...and scratch themselves freely.
Give him fair warning that this is what you are going to do. Then do it. He can get lost or stay with your parents..or whatever he wants to do!
He is your husband..not your shaperone or your keeper.
dandylion
Just like men need their "guy time" ...to watch sports...work on their cars...and scratch themselves freely.
Give him fair warning that this is what you are going to do. Then do it. He can get lost or stay with your parents..or whatever he wants to do!
He is your husband..not your shaperone or your keeper.
dandylion
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
Posts: 2,066
I used to do what you're doing. You want to find an excuse good enough to give him because you think the truth will hurt his feelings even though the truth is ABOUT your feelings. "Darling AH, this is my support system. No offense, but I'm really looking forward to just being immersed in my support system for the weekend. I don't know how to deal with the stress of being married to an alcoholic so it would be easier for me if DS and I went on this trip solo. This is about my feelings, my stress and my wants and needs. This is what I feel is best for myself."
He's going to drink or not drink regardless of what you tell him. I hope you do what's best for you and your emotional well being.
He's going to drink or not drink regardless of what you tell him. I hope you do what's best for you and your emotional well being.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
You want to find an excuse good enough to give him because you think the truth will hurt his feelings even though the truth is ABOUT your feelings.
Your feelings are important. They're valid. Your needs are important and valid. I know how hard it is when you're dealing with a person who's not rational. I limited my visits to my family because the verbal abuse before and after made it so difficult it wasn't worth it. That's one thing I regret. Some of the relationships I let go of, I haven't been able to rebuild.
You take care of yourself. He's an adult.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
It's that dang codie obsession with not rocking the boat. Keeps us so stuck, so focused on the A's precious feelings and does NOT further OUR mental health or recovery!
Accept that whatever reason you give for wanting a solo trip might upset him.
Then let him be upset.
Trying to control other people's reactions and emotions is fuel to your codie fire - don't do it! Let go of the whole concept!! If he tries to lure you into arguing about it - remember you are dealing with an A and so ACTUAL progress emotionally is just not possible. If this one solo trip alters the dynamics of your relationship - that's a good thing for you. Try not to fear change, it is coming anyway.
(((hugs)))
Peace,
B.
Accept that whatever reason you give for wanting a solo trip might upset him.
Then let him be upset.
Trying to control other people's reactions and emotions is fuel to your codie fire - don't do it! Let go of the whole concept!! If he tries to lure you into arguing about it - remember you are dealing with an A and so ACTUAL progress emotionally is just not possible. If this one solo trip alters the dynamics of your relationship - that's a good thing for you. Try not to fear change, it is coming anyway.
(((hugs)))
Peace,
B.
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
I was thinking how I would have handled that situation:
- 15 years ago, I would have made sure to take the alcoholic with me because I would have been afraid he'd go on a bender if he was out of my sight
- 10 years ago, I would have (like you) tried to find an excuse to leave him behind without hurting his feelings.
- 5 years ago, I would have told him that he was not coming because I didn't want him peeing on my friend's bedding.
- Nowadays, I know that NO and I need my space are complete sentences.
- 15 years ago, I would have made sure to take the alcoholic with me because I would have been afraid he'd go on a bender if he was out of my sight
- 10 years ago, I would have (like you) tried to find an excuse to leave him behind without hurting his feelings.
- 5 years ago, I would have told him that he was not coming because I didn't want him peeing on my friend's bedding.
- Nowadays, I know that NO and I need my space are complete sentences.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I just want to say that I think it's so wonderful you have opened up to people you trust and have gained a support system from them, and see the value in that.
So many, including myself, isolated and put on a happy face for a long time. I know that relief to be able to tell the truth and gain support and lean on those who you love and love you.
I hope you go and enjoy yourself!
So many, including myself, isolated and put on a happy face for a long time. I know that relief to be able to tell the truth and gain support and lean on those who you love and love you.
I hope you go and enjoy yourself!
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Join Date: May 2014
Location: liverpool, england
Posts: 1,708
why not be honest with the man and let him know how you feel ?
how would you feel should he want to go away and take the child with him without you ? i think you should just tell him and let him know that there is a problem otherwise he can end up going all over the place in his own head thinking all sorts of things why you wouldn't want him around
i know for me i would much prefer for someone to tell me the truth anyday than to make things up
how would you feel should he want to go away and take the child with him without you ? i think you should just tell him and let him know that there is a problem otherwise he can end up going all over the place in his own head thinking all sorts of things why you wouldn't want him around
i know for me i would much prefer for someone to tell me the truth anyday than to make things up
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 76
Originally Posted by Bernadette 
If this one solo trip alters the dynamics of your relationship - that's a good thing for you. Try not to fear change, it is coming anyway.
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 76
Originally Posted by desypete
why not be honest with the man and let him know how you feel ?
how would you feel should he want to go away and take the child with him without you ? i think you should just tell him and let him know that there is a problem otherwise he can end up going all over the place in his own head thinking all sorts of things why you wouldn't want him around
i know for me i would much prefer for someone to tell me the truth anyday than to make things up
how would you feel should he want to go away and take the child with him without you ? i think you should just tell him and let him know that there is a problem otherwise he can end up going all over the place in his own head thinking all sorts of things why you wouldn't want him around
i know for me i would much prefer for someone to tell me the truth anyday than to make things up
I think I just need to tell him I need alone time with my bestie and family. If he pushes that, it is a real issue with his disregarding my needs and feelings, as usual. For too long, I have put his feelings ahead of mine. That's the codependency - I am just starting to learn about this and work on it. And man, it is a lot of work.
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