I accidentally Met a Guy. Now what.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
Posts: 2,066
No advice, I haven't dated since I was 18.
But I on the rare occasion that I am overtly hit on by a man, I allow myself to enjoy the ego boost. I'm sure actually going on a date and follow up goodness is making you feel amazeballs and it should.
Glad you're having some enjoyable interactions with the opposite sex.
But I on the rare occasion that I am overtly hit on by a man, I allow myself to enjoy the ego boost. I'm sure actually going on a date and follow up goodness is making you feel amazeballs and it should.
Glad you're having some enjoyable interactions with the opposite sex.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
Hi Meg,
I don't post often on this side of the board because I'm a recovering alkie, but will do now as I've been in a similar dilemma recently. I definitely did not want to get into dating and new relationships in my first ~6 months and benefited a lot from focusing on myself. I also absolutely believe the wise folks with long term sobriety advising against this in early recovery and I tend to listen to people who have had lasting success with sobriety. But the thing is, I think no universal law applies really, as we are all different as individuals and in terms of our life conditions. And we don't just meet the "right" people when we decide to. I met a guy ~3 months ago and it was a pretty instant and strong mutual attraction, but I kept a certain distance from him for a while thinking I'm not ready for dating yet. I did not even wanted to meet him in person because I felt I would not keep my "resolution" then... but I wanted to interact with him because I found him a very interesting and pleasant person. So we kept communicating via email for those ~3 months. He tried to ask me out a couple times, but I always declined, and then he never asked again, just wrote to me about many different things. I had a very positive impression on him from start (I usually tend to trust these instincts), but I was cautious. So definitely slow progress. Maybe you could do something similar with this man? It's a good way to gather more information and no risk other than perhaps if he is impatient, he might not want to follow a similar pace. But would you want to be with someone who's impatient and is pushing you?
If you like him, I suggest that you try to be friends first see how that goes. As I said, we don't always meet attractive and compatible people just anytime we want. In my case, a developing sense of compatibility was what made me change my mind recently to decide to get closer to him in 3D. It's only been a few encounters, but not a single hint of regret! He's quite different from the people that I have been dating in the past several years..., and it's nice to break that pattern, quite healthy, too. This was actually one of my strong reasons why I decided to see him: it's a different kind of person and different type of attraction.
There were a few others earlier this year that I could have explored but I never felt this good about them... So I decided to not let this one go If you like him, why not give it a slow chance? And even if you get closer to him, it does not necessarily need to turn into anything serious or any form of commitment immediately.
Good luck
I don't post often on this side of the board because I'm a recovering alkie, but will do now as I've been in a similar dilemma recently. I definitely did not want to get into dating and new relationships in my first ~6 months and benefited a lot from focusing on myself. I also absolutely believe the wise folks with long term sobriety advising against this in early recovery and I tend to listen to people who have had lasting success with sobriety. But the thing is, I think no universal law applies really, as we are all different as individuals and in terms of our life conditions. And we don't just meet the "right" people when we decide to. I met a guy ~3 months ago and it was a pretty instant and strong mutual attraction, but I kept a certain distance from him for a while thinking I'm not ready for dating yet. I did not even wanted to meet him in person because I felt I would not keep my "resolution" then... but I wanted to interact with him because I found him a very interesting and pleasant person. So we kept communicating via email for those ~3 months. He tried to ask me out a couple times, but I always declined, and then he never asked again, just wrote to me about many different things. I had a very positive impression on him from start (I usually tend to trust these instincts), but I was cautious. So definitely slow progress. Maybe you could do something similar with this man? It's a good way to gather more information and no risk other than perhaps if he is impatient, he might not want to follow a similar pace. But would you want to be with someone who's impatient and is pushing you?
If you like him, I suggest that you try to be friends first see how that goes. As I said, we don't always meet attractive and compatible people just anytime we want. In my case, a developing sense of compatibility was what made me change my mind recently to decide to get closer to him in 3D. It's only been a few encounters, but not a single hint of regret!
He's quite different from the people that I have been dating in the past several years..., and it's nice to break that pattern, quite healthy, too. This was actually one of my strong reasons why I decided to see him: it's a different kind of person and different type of attraction. There were a few others earlier this year that I could have explored but I never felt this good about them... So I decided to not let this one go
If you like him, why not give it a slow chance? And even if you get closer to him, it does not necessarily need to turn into anything serious or any form of commitment immediately.Good luck
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
I took it REAL SLOW. Told New Guy straight up that I was coming off a bad divorce and had no real interest in a boyfriend. He said okay, didn't hear from him for awhile. He texted me, inviting me to events, I blew him off. He knew next to nothing about me, just liked me. Turns out he too was coming out of a bad divorce after a ten year marriage, wanted to date around and did, just like me. He had also taken time to do a lot of reflection and healing, and it shows. Finally I accepted one of his invitations -- after MONTHS -- and we hit it off hard. I wasn't looking at all -- well, I was surveying the field and not taking any swings because I didn't like a lot of what I saw. But this guy is gentle and generous, and I knew that this is what I should be looking for, and not the controlling, arrogant, elusive guys I'd dated (and eventually married). It felt completely different than anything I'd had before, and it was scary and good, but also safe and sweet.
I don't know how I feel, long-term I guess, or what I want from this relationship. I'm not looking for marriage. But this guy is my friend and he deeply cares for me and I for him. I think if we're having fun, and it's not scary and it feels good and everyone is game and open and giving and happy, then there's no harm.
But I was alone and celibate for almost two years before making the conscious decision to see a particular someone, because my track record was horrible, and for my sake and my kids' sake, I wanted my bad streak to be OVER.
If it's too soon and you're saying it's too soon, I think maybe you should believe yourself. No harm in slowing down.
I don't know how I feel, long-term I guess, or what I want from this relationship. I'm not looking for marriage. But this guy is my friend and he deeply cares for me and I for him. I think if we're having fun, and it's not scary and it feels good and everyone is game and open and giving and happy, then there's no harm.
But I was alone and celibate for almost two years before making the conscious decision to see a particular someone, because my track record was horrible, and for my sake and my kids' sake, I wanted my bad streak to be OVER.
If it's too soon and you're saying it's too soon, I think maybe you should believe yourself. No harm in slowing down.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 524
Thanks guys. If anything, I think this is going to be part of my recovery process.
Hang on, let me explain. Why am I giddy and smiley? Why- because someone paid attention to me and wasn’t half bad looking? Because someone thinks enough of me to text me good morning? It has been years since I have enjoyed the company of a male so of course I am going to feel giddy. Nothing is wrong with giddy. It’s what you do with it. I remember these giddy feelings with my A and I have always said the first year was so great and I had no idea what was to come and was it real -blah blah. And I was thinking that this (whatever it is) would be exactly the same way. Because that’s how it started with A
Last night I thought long and hard about the beginning with my A. Looong and hard. There were signs. There were signs that if I saw now, today – I would run.
First of all, there were pet peeve things about him that annoyed me. But people can be annoying right? He told me he was involuntarily committed because he was threatening suicide after a break up. He said his parents overreacted. He was just venting. I thought poor guy he must have been heartbroken. No – Big flag. He also told me he was diagnosed bipolar. My cousin is bipolar and I love my cousin so I wasn’t going to judge. No – red flag. And my cousin put my aunt through h#ll for YEARS before he was properly medicated. He also said one day he came home and the fiancé was completely moved out with no warning. That’s a flag isn’t it? That’s kind of what I did. One day I said that’s it and I was forced to move in a few weeks because of his addiction/abuse.
I won’t go through every tiny example but my point is I really reflected on this “perfect beginning” with my A, that was provoked my Mr. Applebee and it was not perfect. It was riddled with warnings that for whatever reason I decided were ok. At that point in my life, I thought damaged mean depth. I thought hardship meant character. I thought being in the mud at some point in your life meant worldly. That’s true for me. So I guess I thought that was true for all.
There were also a few alcoholic/angry examples that I justified as well in the beginning.
So honestly, all I know now, is what I DON’T want. But I don’t know what I want in a partnership.
Hang on, let me explain. Why am I giddy and smiley? Why- because someone paid attention to me and wasn’t half bad looking? Because someone thinks enough of me to text me good morning? It has been years since I have enjoyed the company of a male so of course I am going to feel giddy. Nothing is wrong with giddy. It’s what you do with it. I remember these giddy feelings with my A and I have always said the first year was so great and I had no idea what was to come and was it real -blah blah. And I was thinking that this (whatever it is) would be exactly the same way. Because that’s how it started with A
Last night I thought long and hard about the beginning with my A. Looong and hard. There were signs. There were signs that if I saw now, today – I would run.
First of all, there were pet peeve things about him that annoyed me. But people can be annoying right? He told me he was involuntarily committed because he was threatening suicide after a break up. He said his parents overreacted. He was just venting. I thought poor guy he must have been heartbroken. No – Big flag. He also told me he was diagnosed bipolar. My cousin is bipolar and I love my cousin so I wasn’t going to judge. No – red flag. And my cousin put my aunt through h#ll for YEARS before he was properly medicated. He also said one day he came home and the fiancé was completely moved out with no warning. That’s a flag isn’t it? That’s kind of what I did. One day I said that’s it and I was forced to move in a few weeks because of his addiction/abuse.
I won’t go through every tiny example but my point is I really reflected on this “perfect beginning” with my A, that was provoked my Mr. Applebee and it was not perfect. It was riddled with warnings that for whatever reason I decided were ok. At that point in my life, I thought damaged mean depth. I thought hardship meant character. I thought being in the mud at some point in your life meant worldly. That’s true for me. So I guess I thought that was true for all.
There were also a few alcoholic/angry examples that I justified as well in the beginning.
So honestly, all I know now, is what I DON’T want. But I don’t know what I want in a partnership.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Well, my friend, all I can tell you is my story, which is different from yours, but for what it's worth.
Immediately after I had separated from AXH, men started hitting on me. Which just shows that you don't have to be 20 and Miss Universe for someone to find you attractive. After 20 years of marriage, that felt dang good. To be noticed.
I was nowhere near ready so the first time a guy asked me out on a date, I thought "is he out of his cotton-picking mind?". I was confused by it all and just told him that I was still married and that dating while married felt wrong to me, but thanked him.
I also noticed that the men who paid attention and paid me compliments then were men with a lot of red flags. I didn't know if the red flags were real or just in my mind. So I backed off and didn't date at all. In retrospect, I can see that they saw a broken woman, someone with very little self-confidence, and they either wanted to help (fellow codies) or were attracted to my brokenness as something that would give them power.
I hung out a lot with my girlfriends and their significant others. I hung out a lot with my male friends who were just friends. I stayed in the safe zone, where I was very familiar with and close to people, and where I knew I wouldn't get hurt again. Because I didn't trust my own judgment.
I honestly don't think I would have had the energy to get to know a new person at that point. For me, it would have been a distraction from the hard and painful recovery work I needed to do. It would have lured me into thinking that "now that the A is out of my life, I'm normal again and I can just forget him and forge ahead with my life." And that would have been a mistake.
That's my story.
Immediately after I had separated from AXH, men started hitting on me. Which just shows that you don't have to be 20 and Miss Universe for someone to find you attractive. After 20 years of marriage, that felt dang good. To be noticed.
I was nowhere near ready so the first time a guy asked me out on a date, I thought "is he out of his cotton-picking mind?". I was confused by it all and just told him that I was still married and that dating while married felt wrong to me, but thanked him.
I also noticed that the men who paid attention and paid me compliments then were men with a lot of red flags. I didn't know if the red flags were real or just in my mind. So I backed off and didn't date at all. In retrospect, I can see that they saw a broken woman, someone with very little self-confidence, and they either wanted to help (fellow codies) or were attracted to my brokenness as something that would give them power.
I hung out a lot with my girlfriends and their significant others. I hung out a lot with my male friends who were just friends. I stayed in the safe zone, where I was very familiar with and close to people, and where I knew I wouldn't get hurt again. Because I didn't trust my own judgment.
I honestly don't think I would have had the energy to get to know a new person at that point. For me, it would have been a distraction from the hard and painful recovery work I needed to do. It would have lured me into thinking that "now that the A is out of my life, I'm normal again and I can just forget him and forge ahead with my life." And that would have been a mistake.
That's my story.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Nowhere, VA
Posts: 540
I can't give any advice, thats for sure.
I'm casually seeing someone (left exabf for good in August)....we only see each other on the weekends we don't have our children. His mom is an A like my ex, so I didn't have to explain much about my current situation. And its nice to have someone to spend those childless times with. Its also nice to have someone that doesn't have to get drunk to want to talk to you or see you.
But. I don't know if I'm necessarily ready for a relationship. Companionship...sure. We are both in the same place in our lives so we have things to talk about. I have set boundaries for myself though. If I feel any red flags popping up, its done. The minute I feel like I cannot be myself around someone, then its done. If my friends/family don't like him....then its done. (you know when you start to think "I should have listened to them about this guy"...)
Take it slow...Practice enjoying the moment you are in - I guess thats the only advice I can give. Whenever I see the guy I have been talking to, I don't think about the future with him or the past with the ex. I just enjoy the moment.
I'm casually seeing someone (left exabf for good in August)....we only see each other on the weekends we don't have our children. His mom is an A like my ex, so I didn't have to explain much about my current situation. And its nice to have someone to spend those childless times with. Its also nice to have someone that doesn't have to get drunk to want to talk to you or see you.
But. I don't know if I'm necessarily ready for a relationship. Companionship...sure. We are both in the same place in our lives so we have things to talk about. I have set boundaries for myself though. If I feel any red flags popping up, its done. The minute I feel like I cannot be myself around someone, then its done. If my friends/family don't like him....then its done. (you know when you start to think "I should have listened to them about this guy"...)
Take it slow...Practice enjoying the moment you are in - I guess thats the only advice I can give. Whenever I see the guy I have been talking to, I don't think about the future with him or the past with the ex. I just enjoy the moment.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Yes.....I think Blossom has a good tip---don't fantasize a future with him..... Don't start building small picket fences in your mind. Especially, don't show up for a "date" in a wedding dress.
I say that a good year of seeing a person in a lot of different kinds of circumstances---starts to give you a better idea o f what he is made of. It really takes a long time to get to know a person. You have to give them time to take off their "social mask", and begin to reveal all the facets of their personality.
The first 6mo. are a fun time that is almost completely driven by the hormones of attraction. Then, the hormones taper down, slowly, over the next two years.
Then, one is m ore able to clearly assess the true nature of the person in question.
dandylion
I say that a good year of seeing a person in a lot of different kinds of circumstances---starts to give you a better idea o f what he is made of. It really takes a long time to get to know a person. You have to give them time to take off their "social mask", and begin to reveal all the facets of their personality.
The first 6mo. are a fun time that is almost completely driven by the hormones of attraction. Then, the hormones taper down, slowly, over the next two years.
Then, one is m ore able to clearly assess the true nature of the person in question.
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
I was told once by an awesome therapist that anyone can keep up a good face for about a year. Then after a year or so, the "best foot forward" stops and you're more able to assess who you're with on the daily without the facade of new love and hormones and oxytocin.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,038
You can be careful without being cynical, schoolgirlishly happy without being foolish. Keep your eyes and ears open and let your heart live a little, too. It isn't so hard.
I was pretty worried about getting involved with someone. But then I remembered how strong and wise I am now. Which has made romance even more fun, surprisingly. Happily.
Life can be fun sometimes too, you know?
Keep doing what you are doing. You are brave, and you know some things by now.
I was pretty worried about getting involved with someone. But then I remembered how strong and wise I am now. Which has made romance even more fun, surprisingly. Happily.
Life can be fun sometimes too, you know?
Keep doing what you are doing. You are brave, and you know some things by now.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: The Bright Side of the Moon
Posts: 528
Hmmm. Perfect timing for me, as I've started seeing someone. I won't go onto that, but here are done things I recommend. A) Background check (I didn't do an actual interstate check, but in my state we can look online to see if anyone has had any recent court cases). B) Set boundaries and see what he does. For me, I just told New Guy, "Here's where I'm at. I need to take this slow." He said, "Tell me the rules." I thought, "Oh, Honey, I will..." ;D. Communicate openly and honestly. C) I don't know if you're here yet, but I needed to reach that point in my grief and recovery where I am through the worst pain and KNOW THAT I COULD MAKE MYSELF GO THROUGH PAIN AND LOSS AGAIN IF IT MEANS I'LL BE RESPECTED. Now that I'm through the pain and it didn't kill me, I know I could do it again if I need to. This time I if I'm being disrespected, I'll know sooner and cut the tie sooner if need be. That will save me years of pain in the long run if I need to do it. I'm trying not to anticipate that (future trip), but I want to BE PREPARED. D) Follow your GUT. I don't mean your desires and dreams. Follow that intuition. The still, quiet voice that says, "Wait a minute," or "This is right." E) When XA and I were breaking up, I made a list. I listed everything that I love about X and stuff that I was afraid I'd miss. I listed everything that I was already missing while in that relationship, i.e. he was escaping, so I missed Presence. I wrote this list as prayers/affirmations, "I have a partner who..." I put it away for the last 15-16 months and stopped focusing on that. I remember some things on the list. New Guy has some of them. I need to get it out and review, make some check marks, decide what are deal breakers and what aren't. I need to do this before I get the chance to make any excuses for potential deal breakers. The list of what I want in a partner/relationship was recently recommended in my DV survivor support group too. F) Don't sleep together until after 90 days of dating. You can weed out a lot of crazies right there and keep yourself from getting falsely attached/attached too soon.
Hope you can benefit from my list here. I am still worried that I'm going to transfer my anger from X onto the new guy, but A) I think my HP brought him back to my life right NOW for some reason (maybe it's just a test), B) It feels RIGHT, C) That's what recovery work is for and why we must keep working on it.
P.S. New Guy is a RA! Red flag?! Maybe, but he has 14 years and we've always talked about recovery stuff, even before I was in recovery. It is so cool for me to hang with someone who understands what I'm talking about with alcoholism, recovery, addictions, spiritual stuff. One of my huge requirements in any future relationships is that my partner have some sort of spiritual program.
Hope you can benefit from my list here. I am still worried that I'm going to transfer my anger from X onto the new guy, but A) I think my HP brought him back to my life right NOW for some reason (maybe it's just a test), B) It feels RIGHT, C) That's what recovery work is for and why we must keep working on it.
P.S. New Guy is a RA! Red flag?! Maybe, but he has 14 years and we've always talked about recovery stuff, even before I was in recovery. It is so cool for me to hang with someone who understands what I'm talking about with alcoholism, recovery, addictions, spiritual stuff. One of my huge requirements in any future relationships is that my partner have some sort of spiritual program.
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