I accidentally Met a Guy. Now what.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 524
I accidentally Met a Guy. Now what.
On Saturday. I was out with a couple I am friends with. It was last minute. I was on the couch and she textd and said come on out, we are at Applebee’s, I said nah, I’m on the couch, she said oh come on…so I did, in my sweats and a pony tail, unsuspecting and I ended up chatting with this guy and to make a long story short he asked for my number I gave it to him. He called the next day and we met up for dinner. He lives about 10 minutes from me. He’s a Big Bang Theory kind of guy. IT Director, same job for 17 years, nerdy looking but really cute. Interesting to talk to. I know he likes me but
What.the.heck.
Being with an alcoholic/abuser I feel like I have been branded with some disease that is worse than a regular failed relationship- first of all…like I’m not worthy. Like I’m an alien. I’m not part of the same dating pool – I married “An A” – oooohhhh I’m one of “those” I feel different than everyone and like meeting someone was a bad thing.
Second I had no idea I was going to bump into a male human that I felt attracted to intellectually and otherwise. I feel very thrown off and I'm smiling alot.
It’s too soon. I’m not ready. I shouldn’t make “a friend” right now but then again, why not? I’m almost 40. I know I know, you can meet someone at any age, but if I can have a little companionship isn’t that ok? I have no idea. I mean, I’m glad I met him. But there is a big but….
Since Saturday, he textd and said it was great to meet you blah blah, then we had a nice talk on the phone, then we met up for a bite and he text me thank you for a nice time out, have a good night. He textd this morning and said have a nice day – and it’s sweet and he’s courting me gently– he is showing some interest and it’s making me smile but you know what – this is how things started out with the A. Honestly the two relationships before him – I could see were a disaster I just chose to ignore it (looking back) – with my A, I am telling you I didn’t see the signs..well, maybe I did a little. There were things he said and told me that I think now would be a red flag, but..
I don’t know. Who is the one that “shouldn’t get involved for at least a year” – Is it the A – or us. Not that I am looking to get involved. But what if I do.
Is this making sense to anyone? I feel something like this – I want a baby but the doctor strongly objects because I have some terrible illness that could prevent me from carrying a child long term by 75% or something and I would be risking my life and my babies life. That is how I feel.
What.the.heck.
Being with an alcoholic/abuser I feel like I have been branded with some disease that is worse than a regular failed relationship- first of all…like I’m not worthy. Like I’m an alien. I’m not part of the same dating pool – I married “An A” – oooohhhh I’m one of “those” I feel different than everyone and like meeting someone was a bad thing.
Second I had no idea I was going to bump into a male human that I felt attracted to intellectually and otherwise. I feel very thrown off and I'm smiling alot.
It’s too soon. I’m not ready. I shouldn’t make “a friend” right now but then again, why not? I’m almost 40. I know I know, you can meet someone at any age, but if I can have a little companionship isn’t that ok? I have no idea. I mean, I’m glad I met him. But there is a big but….
Since Saturday, he textd and said it was great to meet you blah blah, then we had a nice talk on the phone, then we met up for a bite and he text me thank you for a nice time out, have a good night. He textd this morning and said have a nice day – and it’s sweet and he’s courting me gently– he is showing some interest and it’s making me smile but you know what – this is how things started out with the A. Honestly the two relationships before him – I could see were a disaster I just chose to ignore it (looking back) – with my A, I am telling you I didn’t see the signs..well, maybe I did a little. There were things he said and told me that I think now would be a red flag, but..
I don’t know. Who is the one that “shouldn’t get involved for at least a year” – Is it the A – or us. Not that I am looking to get involved. But what if I do.
Is this making sense to anyone? I feel something like this – I want a baby but the doctor strongly objects because I have some terrible illness that could prevent me from carrying a child long term by 75% or something and I would be risking my life and my babies life. That is how I feel.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
I don't see anything wrong with this. He sounds like a nice person, your red flag radar seems to be in good working order. Why not take it slow and see what happens?
Part of recovery is learning to trust ourselves again.
Hugs. You deserve to be happy and to be treated well.
Part of recovery is learning to trust ourselves again.
Hugs. You deserve to be happy and to be treated well.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
hmmm, i'll start with the negative nelly approach, but reserve the right to change my mind as i go!!!
you gave a virtual stranger your real phone number. (if i were closer, i would roll up a newspaper and whap you on da head dear).
he called you almost immediately and you met for dinner the very next day.
he now knows where you live, or close proximity.
he texted you in follow up to the dinner, followed by a phone call, followed by another meal together the next day, followed by another text afterwards, followed by another text this morning, DAY THREE.
moving WAY too fast. with WAY too much communication. with someone you met three days ago. he's not courting you gently, he's smothering you with contact, which is a big RED FLAG. you said this is how it started with the last disaster of a relationship, another BIG RED FLAG.
you gave a virtual stranger your real phone number. (if i were closer, i would roll up a newspaper and whap you on da head dear).
he called you almost immediately and you met for dinner the very next day.
he now knows where you live, or close proximity.
he texted you in follow up to the dinner, followed by a phone call, followed by another meal together the next day, followed by another text afterwards, followed by another text this morning, DAY THREE.
moving WAY too fast. with WAY too much communication. with someone you met three days ago. he's not courting you gently, he's smothering you with contact, which is a big RED FLAG. you said this is how it started with the last disaster of a relationship, another BIG RED FLAG.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
I am seriously going to Applebees tonight to see if I can order a hot guy along with that Asian Chicken Salad...
Consider him a gift. Consider him a practice run on take it one day at a time. This isn't "Love Story" or the loser that leading guy wound up to be in 'real' life.
Good for you Meg!
Consider him a gift. Consider him a practice run on take it one day at a time. This isn't "Love Story" or the loser that leading guy wound up to be in 'real' life.
Good for you Meg!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 524
Anvil I don't think he's smothering me with contact. And I also know if you really think he is, YOU will say so 
How should it have gone then?
He reached out to say nice to meet you.
I returned his call - we spoke. We met up for an hour and half.
he textd thanks -had a good time. And yea this morning he textd and said have a nice day.
Is that really red flaggy?
And also, how do you know if you are "cleared" for dating....or whatever....
I'm caught off guard but I like this guy and I don't know if I like that..
How should it have gone then?
He reached out to say nice to meet you.
I returned his call - we spoke. We met up for an hour and half.
he textd thanks -had a good time. And yea this morning he textd and said have a nice day.
Is that really red flaggy?
And also, how do you know if you are "cleared" for dating....or whatever....
I'm caught off guard but I like this guy and I don't know if I like that..
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
I don't know, meggem. I'd consider taking it slow with anyone right now.
I used to get Mr. Right confused with Mr. Right Now all the time, before I did the work of understanding why I kept rushing out of one frying pan into another fire. I needed to get good with me before I could really share myself with anyone else in a meaningful way. I cannot say that this is the case for you, but I'd consider that you have been in high drama mode for a long time with your AH and pulling a potential new interest...or a baby, for that matter...into your life before the dust has even cleared might not be the answer.
I used to get Mr. Right confused with Mr. Right Now all the time, before I did the work of understanding why I kept rushing out of one frying pan into another fire. I needed to get good with me before I could really share myself with anyone else in a meaningful way. I cannot say that this is the case for you, but I'd consider that you have been in high drama mode for a long time with your AH and pulling a potential new interest...or a baby, for that matter...into your life before the dust has even cleared might not be the answer.
Baby Steps
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
Take it one day at a time and trust yourself that if red flags appear you will know straight away and you will not ignore them you will look after yourself and high tail it outta their!!
You will only know if you are ready to date if you give it a try, have some fun and start the process of trusting again, yourself and others, I may be wrong and apologies if I am but your putting a lot of pressure on yourself to have everything figured out after a few days, have some fun and rediscover who you are.
You will only know if you are ready to date if you give it a try, have some fun and start the process of trusting again, yourself and others, I may be wrong and apologies if I am but your putting a lot of pressure on yourself to have everything figured out after a few days, have some fun and rediscover who you are.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Dunno.
To ME . . . just saying to ME . . . It all sounded nice and fine, and you sound as "giddy as a schoolgirl" in backhome speak.
So I guess having the caution, that I am on the same side of things as you, I would not trust my perspective too much.
But here is my math -- ONLY 10% or less of the population are actually A's or real whack jobs. Now granted, most of the other folks are already busy.
And sort of the converse of *our* limited perspective where, "one bad apple" taints our view of all others . . . truth is MOST folks are not some predatory mess case.
So maybe check his background and references?
Like I say, dunno. But happy for you.
To ME . . . just saying to ME . . . It all sounded nice and fine, and you sound as "giddy as a schoolgirl" in backhome speak.
So I guess having the caution, that I am on the same side of things as you, I would not trust my perspective too much.
But here is my math -- ONLY 10% or less of the population are actually A's or real whack jobs. Now granted, most of the other folks are already busy.
And sort of the converse of *our* limited perspective where, "one bad apple" taints our view of all others . . . truth is MOST folks are not some predatory mess case.
So maybe check his background and references?
Like I say, dunno. But happy for you.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
I feel something like this – I want a baby but the doctor strongly objects because I have some terrible illness that could prevent me from carrying a child long term by 75% or something and I would be risking my life and my babies life.
so we go from accidentally meeting someone to wanting babies. i realize that it not a DIRECT connection but you brought it up in the same post and i dont think THAT was by accident.
you just got out of a messy confusing crazy making situation.
you're hitting 40 and your hormones have their own agenda. (i'm 54 and i was asking hank up until i was 50 if he was SURE he didn't want a baby????).
now suddenly there is new guy.
i wish nothing more than for you to meet a nice person that you can slide over a bit and share the park bench of life with. but i also want you to take the time you need to really get it all sorted out and get the tent stakes pounded down straight and solid - AND get your head clear about what your dr said regarding the risks to getting pregnant. you need to really be at peace with that before you find yourself oopsie daisy knocked up, just cuz your hormones said so!!!! you want a partner, not a baby daddy.
if Joe Applebee calls or texts, try to hold off on the next date/meal/movie for at least a week. keep it slow. ON PURPOSE.
so we go from accidentally meeting someone to wanting babies. i realize that it not a DIRECT connection but you brought it up in the same post and i dont think THAT was by accident.
you just got out of a messy confusing crazy making situation.
you're hitting 40 and your hormones have their own agenda. (i'm 54 and i was asking hank up until i was 50 if he was SURE he didn't want a baby????).
now suddenly there is new guy.
i wish nothing more than for you to meet a nice person that you can slide over a bit and share the park bench of life with. but i also want you to take the time you need to really get it all sorted out and get the tent stakes pounded down straight and solid - AND get your head clear about what your dr said regarding the risks to getting pregnant. you need to really be at peace with that before you find yourself oopsie daisy knocked up, just cuz your hormones said so!!!! you want a partner, not a baby daddy.
if Joe Applebee calls or texts, try to hold off on the next date/meal/movie for at least a week. keep it slow. ON PURPOSE.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I think I have the same mixed feelings we all do--on the one hand, it's really NICE to have a nice, normal date or two. On the other, well, it's really easy to get carried away sooner than you intended to.
I didn't read your post as projecting into procreative territory, but rather a sense that your whole life is sorta FRAGILE right now. And it is. It won't be forever, but right now you are still a little raw.
You are NOT "damaged goods," but I know that way back when I was newly single most recently, I did feel that until I sorted myself out a bit more I could be bringing more baggage with me than was really fair for someone else to deal with, ya know? Only you can answer the question whether that might be true for you.
I also know there can be a sense that someone is being PUT into your path, and that maybe you are messing with the universe to ignore it. It's also possible, though, that this person is only intended to have a part in waking you up to the fact that you are still good company, still attractive to guys. But maybe nothing more than that.
So I'd say take it REALLY slow, if you are determined to see where this leads.
I didn't read your post as projecting into procreative territory, but rather a sense that your whole life is sorta FRAGILE right now. And it is. It won't be forever, but right now you are still a little raw.
You are NOT "damaged goods," but I know that way back when I was newly single most recently, I did feel that until I sorted myself out a bit more I could be bringing more baggage with me than was really fair for someone else to deal with, ya know? Only you can answer the question whether that might be true for you.
I also know there can be a sense that someone is being PUT into your path, and that maybe you are messing with the universe to ignore it. It's also possible, though, that this person is only intended to have a part in waking you up to the fact that you are still good company, still attractive to guys. But maybe nothing more than that.
So I'd say take it REALLY slow, if you are determined to see where this leads.
A Day at a Time
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
I like the approach. First a plant, then a gold fish, then a cat, then yourself, then someone else.
I have seen far more crash and burns then I have seen fairy tale endings for relationships in early sobriety
I have seen far more crash and burns then I have seen fairy tale endings for relationships in early sobriety
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
Hey - someone besides your family friends and us thinks you're cool. ENJOY IT. You know to keep your eyes peeled for red flags. Do you trust yourself to recognize them, acknowledge them, and then act upon them? If not, maybe you should tell him to lose your number. If so - I don't think there is anything wrong with enjoying the company of a new friend - wherever that heads. Totally agree with everyone saying to take it slow. Have fun. Cautiously 
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 524
oh my. Anvil and others, well first I am so appreciative of all of your thoughts and input. But I think I confused a few of you - I have two children 6 and 2 and I was using the pregnant thing as a metaphor that went terribly wrong.
What I was trying to say was feeling giddy and happy and smiley should not feel like a a prison sentence as if someone might feel if they wanted a child and were told they should not get pregnant. Sorry I went a little too deep and twisty. I've cannot take care of a fish or a plant but I am a fine mother.
Sorry about all that. I am very much looking forward to counseling this week because I do feel school girl ish and I felt school girlish when I met my A - So maybe I'm onto something here with my recovery.
What I was trying to say was feeling giddy and happy and smiley should not feel like a a prison sentence as if someone might feel if they wanted a child and were told they should not get pregnant. Sorry I went a little too deep and twisty. I've cannot take care of a fish or a plant but I am a fine mother.
Sorry about all that. I am very much looking forward to counseling this week because I do feel school girl ish and I felt school girlish when I met my A - So maybe I'm onto something here with my recovery.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
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Originally Posted by MIRecovery 
I like the approach. First a plant, then a gold fish, then a cat, then yourself, then someone else.
I have seen far more crash and burns then I have seen fairy tale endings for relationships in early sobriety
I have seen far more crash and burns then I have seen fairy tale endings for relationships in early sobriety
In my defense though, the cat was the one who dug up the plant and ate the fish.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
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Originally Posted by ladyscribbler
If my future relationship endeavors depend on being able to keep plants and fish alive then I am doomed to a lifetime of celibacy.
In my defense though, the cat was the one who dug up the plant and ate the fish.
In my defense though, the cat was the one who dug up the plant and ate the fish.
A Day at a Time
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
Originally Posted by ladyscribbler
If my future relationship endeavors depend on being able to keep plants and fish alive then I am doomed to a lifetime of celibacy.
In my defense though, the cat was the one who dug up the plant and ate the fish.
In my defense though, the cat was the one who dug up the plant and ate the fish.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 756
Well, most probably wouldn't agree with me, but I started off as friends, than friends with benefits, and still friends with benefits but he brings me around his family(and he's met mine, but his family LOVES me and my kids) Even now, 3 years later, I just don't see myself in a serious relationship. But, I don't want to lose his friendship either.
Would I really like to find that romance movie kind of relationship? Sure, I just have no idea if something like that exists. And honestly, I'm working full-time, going to school part-time, sole custody of my kids(ex gets 48 hours of visitation a month) and I'm a grandma too. There is NO time for a dating.
Would I really like to find that romance movie kind of relationship? Sure, I just have no idea if something like that exists. And honestly, I'm working full-time, going to school part-time, sole custody of my kids(ex gets 48 hours of visitation a month) and I'm a grandma too. There is NO time for a dating.
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