killerinstinct

I feel like a failure, after trying my hardest to "get over it" work on myself so much, morph into everything I possibly can to move forward I've had no choice but to get on anti anxiety medication, sleeping tablets and antidepressants.. I will be taking them long term to recover and get on top of my physical health... and to be strong enough to face the EXA at my major court case in a couple of months. When I tried meds previously it was temp just to deal with the chaos, now the chaos has gone it's to recover now it's for me... I feel like a failure because most people on here seem to just have gotten over it in time

redatlanta

Oh please. Many, Many on here have needed meds. No failure in that. The failure is if you need them and refuse to do anything about it. That's a failure.

You are a success, because you have chosen to do something to help yourself, been honest with your doctors and have a pan to get yourself in really good shape for the upcoming battle.. Congrats and keep it up.

happybeingme

No way. Anxiety and depression are real medical conditions. Would you feel guilty if you had diabetes and needed insulin? I dont think so. So, dont feel like a failure because you needed medication. Long term stress is very damaging to the human body and can cause alll types of medical conditions.

Be proud of how far you have come already and know that you are well on your way to full recovery

LexieCat

Ditto--you've BEEN trying to deal with it, and there are no medals given out for needlessly suffering.

Take the meds and use the calm they give you to work on your health and your mental outlook. With the noise turned down you may find that you make tremendous progress.

ladyscribbler

I was on medication for nearly a year to deal with depression and PTSD. Without the medication I would not have been able to function or learn other techniques for managing my symptoms because I would have been paralyzed by fear and depression.
Once I was out of that rut, it was much easier for me to practice good self care, meditation, exercise, work an alanon program and do all of those things that allow me to manage my symptoms without meds. But initially I needed that little extra boost, or I would have stayed stuck in that rut.

CodeJob

I have needed antidepressants twice over the years dealing with life with an A in denial.

I was pretty open back in Dec here that I had gotten depressed and decided to go on meds. I was on them 8 mo. My therapist hinted at it, but I never took up the discussion that one of the reasons I was depressed when I was was that my mind finally had a chance to rest and sift through all that had happened.

This also happens to cancer patients quite a bit. They get diagnosed, run the gamut of prescribed care in a whirlwind, and then when it's over they finally have the time to really work through the fear and uncertainty...

I personally think AA has a contingent that believes you aren't 'sober' unless you are on no meds at all. I think this attitude bleeds into Al Anon? Do what you need to do to recover without shame. SSRI have definitely helped me. Counseling too.

Peace!

LexieCat

I'm not comfortable with the notion of there being an AA "contingent" with that belief. There are individuals in AA who take that stance, but AA itself puts out a pamphlet cautioning that prescribed medications are a matter between the alcoholic and his/her doctor. It's important that the prescribing doctor have some understanding of addiction (because SOME prescribed medications can be abused), but AA takes no position on the appropriateness of any particular medication, and it certainly does not say that taking prescribed medications as prescribed means you aren't sober.

CodeJob

Oh they are out there! I tend to think of it as part of their mental issue. One drink was good, let's try 20. The ones who over do everything - even recovery. Here's a nice article that links to the pamphlet of AAs true position.

Are People Who Take Anti-Depressants Really Sober? | The Fix

hopeful4

While I am not on as much as I was in the beginning, I am still on an anti anxiety medication. No shame here. Look at all you have went through. There is no need to just suck it up when you have severe anxiety and depression. If there is help for you, reach for it.

XXX

dandylion

I agree with CodeJob......I have heard this out of the mouth of lots and lots of "recovering alcoholics". Now, mind you, I think that they are off base, and, have rigid knee-jerk thinking. They are simply not adequately informed. Some people sit in a couple of open AA meetings---and, suddenly they are a expert.

There are a lot of misbeliefs and misinformation that gets floated around that have nothing to do with the actual AA organization. Of course, not everyone in AA have the same thinking. It just depends on who you might be talking to at the time.

dandylion

dandylion

SparkleKitty

Killer, feeling like a failure is part of the thing you are wrestling with. I've been in and out of depressive phases my entire adult life, and would not hesitate to take medication if it got bad enough. This is part of acceptance. Accepting yourself as well as others for who you and they are right now is part of recovery. When I recognize that I am in a dark phase, my effort goes towards accepting that is where I am, and recognizing that experience has told me that I will not be in this place forever, and mostly remembering that beating myself up about it does not help me deal with it better (and usually makes it worse).

With that acceptance I don't really feel different but I am able to make better choices for how to spend my time, how to take care of myself, and how to meet my responsibilities.

Sending you strength and patience. You've done a good thing for yourself here.

lillamy

Hey, Killer -- so here's how it works. You know this, but I'm just repeating it for good measure.

When you are depressed, the levels of serotonin and norepephrine in your brain sink. So there's what some refer to as "endogen" depression, which means the levels just drop with no explanation. Then there's "exogen" depression, which means something happens in your life that makes the levels drop.

But the biochemical result is the same: You have extremely low levels of two substances that are crucial for your brain to function properly.

I like the comparison to diabetes and insulin. No diabetic would say "I'm a failure because I can't make my body produce enough insulin for me to function." I mean, that would be ridiculous, right?

We need to get to a point in this world where we don't look at depression any differently. You can no more use your strength of character to pull yourself out of a serotonin drop than you can make yourself produce enough insulin.

There is more and more brain research that points towards what we refer to as "mental illness" having biochemical/physiological causes. Depression we already know, but also bipolar disorder, eating disorders, and the big whopper, schizophrenia. NOT THAT IT SHOULD MATTER -- there should never be shame in having an illness/disease.

You have every right to be feeling how you're feeling. There's nothing weak with having feelings. "Assume legitimacy," as one of my fave bloggers says. I have probably linked to this blog before, but I find it so helpful and so... matter of fact and calm that I want to share it (possibly again):

What you do when you feel like dirt. | The Fluent Self

SallyTaylor

Lillamy - there is a great big old billboard here in giant letters on the Upper West Side of Manhattan that says "Depression is a flaw in chemistry not character." I think it was painted on the side of the building in the 1970s.

Whenever I walk by and look up and see that sign looming over for thousands of people to see, I feel a bit of peace at the reminder of that wisdom.

I hope the developers never take it down

pixilation

I needed that 6 months of ambien i started a few months after i left ex. i was on a big ol' no sleep-anxiety-no sleep roller coaster.

firebolt

Seems to me that the failure would be skipping out on meds when we need them.

Someone on the A side of the forum said this (and it's really stuck with me and I think applies to OUR recovery just the same):

We'll let people see us wasted, slurring
tripping and falling down,
blacking out and freaking out like a drunken lunatic....
But God forbid anyone see us get or ask for help.

Yeah - between my moods, depression, isolating - that totally applies to me. Everyone around me experiences me in the pitts....God forbid they see me take a med or head to the counselors office. W.T.F?!

Our thinking on failure on this stuff is BACKWARDS. Good for you for doing what you need to do to be healthy and get through!

irisgardens

killerinstinct--you almost sound like me...many years ago. was trying to soldier through with no support because I was supposed to be strong. found out that my depression is almost certainly biological (genetic) and wasn't helped by the death of a child. I have followed the prescription for almost 20 years now...and just recently went down very big for different stressors and I finally reached out to the doctor (had been seeing him and 'itelectualizing' with him because that is easy for me to do. am told that I will feel better in 2-3 weeks and I applaud you for taking care of your health...

dandylion

firebolt......THESE WORDS ARE SO TRUE!

dandylion

Bullfrog

You would not call a diabetic a failure for taking insulin.

Now stop that.

Bullfrog

A Primer on Depression:

Depression: A Primer - Depression Primer

irisgardens

Awesome Bullfrog...thank you.