Recovery: the physical part
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Recovery: the physical part
This is something I'm just slowly becoming aware of now -- you know how we talk about recovery being physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual? I haven't thought much about the physical part of recovery.
I know how my body basically shut down while I was in an alcoholic marriage. I've dealt with some of the more obvious "taking me back" aspects afterwards: I no longer feel a need to be a size 4 (AXH always told me I was too fat, even when my body fat was so low I lost my period); I've gotten over a bunch of other body/sexually related things.
But I've realized that just like with emotions, I need to get to know my body again.
One of the hardest things for me to deal with was that after 20 years of stuffing and ignoring and minimizing my emotions, they felt so big and scary when they came back out. It was like I had to learn, again, to recognize them and name them and become friends with them -- accept them and learn that even the painful ones weren't dangerous.
And now I'm doing the same thing with my body. Just like I ignored my emotional pain, I've ignored my physical pain. And I'm working with an exceptionally gifted physical therapist/massage therapist to just start feeling my body again. Apparently, that's quite normal in survivors of sexual abuse, that you sort of "shut down." Every time I've come in to see a doctor in the past 20 years, they've asked "why on earth didn't you come sooner?" and I've sort of taken it as a badge of honor that I've got a high tolerance for pain.
Well -- that's not it. Like with emotions, I have to start getting to know my body again. How it works. Realize that pain is a signal that something is wrong -- not something to ignore and motor through. I'm lucky in that my husband is very perceptive and can see when I'm in pain, even when I'm not acknowledging it.
So this therapist I'm working with says we carry trauma in our bodies, and that part of releasing the trauma is getting it released from where it's stuck in our bodies. Sounds a bit whoooowhooo to me, but whatever.
Yesterday, I came in to see him and I was a wreck. Rather than working on strengthening and stretching -- which is what I am generally doing -- he gave me a one-hour deep tissue massage. I think my neck got four inches longer. I didn't realize how tense I was until I walked out of there. I cried all the way home. I cried so much last night and couldn't sleep. And then I woke up this morning with the mother of all migraines.
So as a good codie, what do I do? Do I wake my husband up and say "I'm a mess, please take over"? Nope. I take the kids to school. I go to work. I figure out after about two hours that I can't focus -- not mentally, but with my eyes. I can't see the damn computer screen. Husband comes in to bring me lunch and says "Oh hell no. I'm taking you home. Right now."
So I went home. Took headache pills. Slept. Woke up with the same headache. Can't find my migraine rescue meds because I haven't used them for five years or so. Called my PT, who apologized and said "that can happen when you have a lot of tension in your body and I overdo a massage beyond what you can handle." So he said no drugs. Just ice and heat. I iced my neck for 20 minutes. And now I'm at the point where I can see straight and don't feel like throwing up anymore.
WHY, do you ask, am I telling you this long story? Well -- because it's an aspect of recovery I haven't paid much attention to. Listening to my body and actually paying attention to what it says to me. And I figured I'm probably not the only one...
So there you have it. Don't ignore any part of your recovery.
I know how my body basically shut down while I was in an alcoholic marriage. I've dealt with some of the more obvious "taking me back" aspects afterwards: I no longer feel a need to be a size 4 (AXH always told me I was too fat, even when my body fat was so low I lost my period); I've gotten over a bunch of other body/sexually related things.
But I've realized that just like with emotions, I need to get to know my body again.
One of the hardest things for me to deal with was that after 20 years of stuffing and ignoring and minimizing my emotions, they felt so big and scary when they came back out. It was like I had to learn, again, to recognize them and name them and become friends with them -- accept them and learn that even the painful ones weren't dangerous.
And now I'm doing the same thing with my body. Just like I ignored my emotional pain, I've ignored my physical pain. And I'm working with an exceptionally gifted physical therapist/massage therapist to just start feeling my body again. Apparently, that's quite normal in survivors of sexual abuse, that you sort of "shut down." Every time I've come in to see a doctor in the past 20 years, they've asked "why on earth didn't you come sooner?" and I've sort of taken it as a badge of honor that I've got a high tolerance for pain.
Well -- that's not it. Like with emotions, I have to start getting to know my body again. How it works. Realize that pain is a signal that something is wrong -- not something to ignore and motor through. I'm lucky in that my husband is very perceptive and can see when I'm in pain, even when I'm not acknowledging it.
So this therapist I'm working with says we carry trauma in our bodies, and that part of releasing the trauma is getting it released from where it's stuck in our bodies. Sounds a bit whoooowhooo to me, but whatever.
Yesterday, I came in to see him and I was a wreck. Rather than working on strengthening and stretching -- which is what I am generally doing -- he gave me a one-hour deep tissue massage. I think my neck got four inches longer. I didn't realize how tense I was until I walked out of there. I cried all the way home. I cried so much last night and couldn't sleep. And then I woke up this morning with the mother of all migraines.
So as a good codie, what do I do? Do I wake my husband up and say "I'm a mess, please take over"? Nope. I take the kids to school. I go to work. I figure out after about two hours that I can't focus -- not mentally, but with my eyes. I can't see the damn computer screen. Husband comes in to bring me lunch and says "Oh hell no. I'm taking you home. Right now."
So I went home. Took headache pills. Slept. Woke up with the same headache. Can't find my migraine rescue meds because I haven't used them for five years or so. Called my PT, who apologized and said "that can happen when you have a lot of tension in your body and I overdo a massage beyond what you can handle." So he said no drugs. Just ice and heat. I iced my neck for 20 minutes. And now I'm at the point where I can see straight and don't feel like throwing up anymore.
WHY, do you ask, am I telling you this long story? Well -- because it's an aspect of recovery I haven't paid much attention to. Listening to my body and actually paying attention to what it says to me. And I figured I'm probably not the only one...
So there you have it. Don't ignore any part of your recovery.
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It's been my experience that talking therapies are of limited use; until I've actually been through the emotions - I don't mean talking about them, I mean feeling them surging through my body - I stay stuck. One of the things about us codies is an inner feeling of emptiness. I was told by an acquaintance of mine that there's nothing you can do about it - but I replied that there is, just not through talking therapies.
That's because I can remember the precise moment at which my deep sobbing broke through the muscular tensions which had kept my breathing shallow and fearful all my life, my breathing has been deeper and fuller ever since - and the empty feeling vanished within a few hours, never to return.
I could say the same for many deep-seated issues, and I find it very heartening that you've been able to find a therapist like this. Certainly in the UK they're very hard to come by.
Good luck with all this!
That's because I can remember the precise moment at which my deep sobbing broke through the muscular tensions which had kept my breathing shallow and fearful all my life, my breathing has been deeper and fuller ever since - and the empty feeling vanished within a few hours, never to return.
I could say the same for many deep-seated issues, and I find it very heartening that you've been able to find a therapist like this. Certainly in the UK they're very hard to come by.
Good luck with all this!
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Thank you, Rosalba!
You know -- this makes me think, again, of the things I was taught as a child. Things that were useful, and in many ways survival instincts, like "always put the needs of other people ahead of your own" and "suck it up and keep moving" -- but that at some point, taken to the extreme, became unhealthy. I'm also contemplating how I am teaching my kids to keep their integrity and boundaries while still being caring and not whining...
You know -- this makes me think, again, of the things I was taught as a child. Things that were useful, and in many ways survival instincts, like "always put the needs of other people ahead of your own" and "suck it up and keep moving" -- but that at some point, taken to the extreme, became unhealthy. I'm also contemplating how I am teaching my kids to keep their integrity and boundaries while still being caring and not whining...
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lillamy, like you, I've found that physical work can access emotions that I can't get at in any other way. Deep-tissue massage, yoga or a good hard run will let out stuff I had no idea was even in there. I've sat in my car and cried after a massage. I've laid on my mat w/tears running into my ears after yoga. I've finished a run feeling exhilarated and suddenly morphed into such sadness I can hardly bear it.
As a fellow SA survivor, I know what you mean about shutting down, tuning out, walling off. Almost invariably, I go for my massage and when asked before the massage if I have any particular areas that need extra attention, I say "oh, I feel OK, no real problems to speak of." Then the therapist gets started and we find huge knots in my shoulders, tender spots in my low back, tight FEET, for God's sake! Oh, gosh, maybe not so OK after all?
They're really not kidding when they say it's all interconnected, are they?
As a fellow SA survivor, I know what you mean about shutting down, tuning out, walling off. Almost invariably, I go for my massage and when asked before the massage if I have any particular areas that need extra attention, I say "oh, I feel OK, no real problems to speak of." Then the therapist gets started and we find huge knots in my shoulders, tender spots in my low back, tight FEET, for God's sake! Oh, gosh, maybe not so OK after all?
They're really not kidding when they say it's all interconnected, are they?
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Sexual trauma and PTSD here. The first time I had a deep tissue massage I went home, burst into tears, and had a full blown panic attack. True story. I've had massages since and it never happened again, thankfully.
I also agree the physical stuff is key. I talk a lot about how much I have relied on biking in the last two years, but for real, as an atheist it's my church. If I'm not doing it all the time I feel like crap. (Wish me luck this winter!)
I also agree the physical stuff is key. I talk a lot about how much I have relied on biking in the last two years, but for real, as an atheist it's my church. If I'm not doing it all the time I feel like crap. (Wish me luck this winter!)
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I had a wave of depression come over me a couple weeks ago.. a lot of retrospective 4th step work uncovering stuff. I think I'm generally less tense, had a checkup in May bp normal but I've been exercising for a while. The bigger changes are mental... had no idea how much judging and getting myself all worked up I've been doing for so long. Feels amazingly freeing to choose to not start judging and interpreting and getting upset.
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when asked before the massage if I have any particular areas that need extra attention, I say "oh, I feel OK, no real problems to speak of." Then the therapist gets started and we find huge knots in my shoulders, tender spots in my low back, tight FEET, for God's sake! Oh, gosh, maybe not so OK after all?
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My daughter's therapists have been invaluable to me. When I discussed my daughter's potential sexual abuse with one of them, she said that most children who go through traumatic experiences stuff those feelings away -- it's a survival instinct -- and that you can't wrestle those experiences out of them and force them to deal with them. She said "when you are strong enough, you will start getting reminders popping up. It's like our bodies and minds know when we've gotten to the point where we can start dealing with different things. So don't force anything, just take care of yourself and wait for the time to be right."
And somehow, that was such a relief to me. I'm pretty much a person who wants to get stuff done and over with so I can move on. The idea that recovery is lifelong, which irritates me at times (because I want to be done and be normal again), is -- she says -- something I should see as a lifelong opportunity for growth, not a lifelong chore. Where you can't put the roof on the house until you've raised the structure.
And somehow, that was such a relief to me. I'm pretty much a person who wants to get stuff done and over with so I can move on. The idea that recovery is lifelong, which irritates me at times (because I want to be done and be normal again), is -- she says -- something I should see as a lifelong opportunity for growth, not a lifelong chore. Where you can't put the roof on the house until you've raised the structure.
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Originally Posted by honeypig 
Deep-tissue massage, yoga or a good hard run will let out stuff I had no idea was even in there. I've sat in my car and cried after a massage. I've laid on my mat w/tears running into my ears after yoga. I've finished a run feeling exhilarated and suddenly morphed into such sadness I can hardly bear it.
They're really not kidding when they say it's all interconnected, are they?
They're really not kidding when they say it's all interconnected, are they?
When I got hypnotized to quit smoking I was extremely receptive in every way UNTIL he asked me to regress to my childhood & to just recall a simple, normal, happy memory & I flat-out, no-hesitation said, "No." 3 attempts - 3 identical responses, "No." (interesting - instinctively I responded with No-as-a-complete-sentence) Since I was aware & awake during treatment (just slightly disassociated in my experience) the submissive half of me was listening & observing that absolutely ZERO emotions, memories or thoughts even rose to the surface to consider. The "No" I was hearing was coming from somewhere deep inside because I wasn't consciously answering the question.
When I focus a lot on hip-work/psoa muscles in yoga or massage, it always unleashes something. That area is specifically tied to our most deeply-seated emotions & is an area we tend to protect.... crossing your arms in front of your stomach, gaining weight around our middles = extra protection around those memories, etc. This is the area where our fight-or-flight memories are first stored & can be regarded as a connection to our primal lizard brain through the spinal column as well. Here's a great article about it:
Hip Emotions: Is There Sadness in Your Hips?
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Well wow, Firesprite. My psoas have wreaked havoc on my life for the past year. And I've got stomach fat for the first time in my life. Off to read that article -- THANK YOU!!!!
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I think for those with a history of SA, this would be an even more sensitive area for massage/repressed emotions. Be cautious & take it slow. 
At my last massage I asked the therapist to take a few mins to teach me how to identify my psoas exactly & how to best self-massage them. I find it easiest to do it in my spa where I can be kind of weightless & floaty & grab/press/hold the muscle to trigger the release. I often find that it triggers tears to start running from my eyes even when I don't feel any emotional trigger..... that often comes later in dreams or "flashes" of memory.
At my last massage I asked the therapist to take a few mins to teach me how to identify my psoas exactly & how to best self-massage them. I find it easiest to do it in my spa where I can be kind of weightless & floaty & grab/press/hold the muscle to trigger the release. I often find that it triggers tears to start running from my eyes even when I don't feel any emotional trigger..... that often comes later in dreams or "flashes" of memory.
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I have questions about the surfacing emotions. This summer, I experienced acute anxiety for about 3 months. I was barely functioning. I have lived separate from my AXH for 5 years and I feel like I shouldn't be suffering from self-recrimination any longer - like I should have moved on by now.
I assumed that my anxiety was a reaction to the exhaustion of non-stop single parenting of 3 kids. My friend asked me why I never told anyone what I was going through when I was so consumed with the anxiety this summer, and I can't come up with a good answer except that I am supposed to be able to handle it all and I can't let anyone know that I just can't keep doing this seemingly-impossible job. Because they will think I am incompetent.
I know that I was not ever allowed to have emotions or feelings or off-days when I was married to a Narcissistic Alcoholic, but why am I still carrying that stuff around with me now and do you think that's what's been making me so debilitated by depression and anxiety?
I assumed that my anxiety was a reaction to the exhaustion of non-stop single parenting of 3 kids. My friend asked me why I never told anyone what I was going through when I was so consumed with the anxiety this summer, and I can't come up with a good answer except that I am supposed to be able to handle it all and I can't let anyone know that I just can't keep doing this seemingly-impossible job. Because they will think I am incompetent.
I know that I was not ever allowed to have emotions or feelings or off-days when I was married to a Narcissistic Alcoholic, but why am I still carrying that stuff around with me now and do you think that's what's been making me so debilitated by depression and anxiety?
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I assumed that my anxiety was a reaction to the exhaustion of non-stop single parenting of 3 kids. My friend asked me why I never told anyone what I was going through when I was so consumed with the anxiety this summer, and I can't come up with a good answer except that I am supposed to be able to handle it all and I can't let anyone know that I just can't keep doing this seemingly-impossible job. Because they will think I am incompetent.
I know that I was not ever allowed to have emotions or feelings or off-days when I was married to a Narcissistic Alcoholic, but why am I still carrying that stuff around with me now and do you think that's what's been making me so debilitated by depression and anxiety?
I know that I was not ever allowed to have emotions or feelings or off-days when I was married to a Narcissistic Alcoholic, but why am I still carrying that stuff around with me now and do you think that's what's been making me so debilitated by depression and anxiety?
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Stella, I'm dealing with similar anxiety, and I don't have a good answer. It's like... I carry so much guilt for my children. Any time any one of them does something stupid (and kids do, whether they come from addict families or not), I crash. I feel like it's my fault for not being able to be everything they need.
For me, I got to hear that a lot when I was married to an A. That anything the kids did that was "bad" (even when it was normal kid stuff) was my fault.
I also awfulize quite a bit regarding the kids, and that gives me anxiety. Like, when one of my kids failed a class in school, it took me about two seconds to fly into an anxiety attack and picture him as a homeless drug addict. I've worked a lot with grounding, putting myself back in the here-and-now, and relaxation tapes. It's been suggested to me -- like Florence suggested to you -- that I might be able to get a PTSD Dx. I just haven't pursued it.
I talk to myself a lot when I get anxiety attacks, too -- I try to reason with myself, explain that it's just an emotion, and emotions are not facts (thank you, SR!), and that I haven't always felt this way, and I won't always feel this way.
I don't know if any of that helps but please know that you're not alone. And that if your kids don't tell you now, give them a few years and they will tell you what a hero you are for fighting for them and being there for them and pulling the entire parenting load on your own. My oldest does, now that he's an adult. (((hugs)))
For me, I got to hear that a lot when I was married to an A. That anything the kids did that was "bad" (even when it was normal kid stuff) was my fault.
I also awfulize quite a bit regarding the kids, and that gives me anxiety. Like, when one of my kids failed a class in school, it took me about two seconds to fly into an anxiety attack and picture him as a homeless drug addict. I've worked a lot with grounding, putting myself back in the here-and-now, and relaxation tapes. It's been suggested to me -- like Florence suggested to you -- that I might be able to get a PTSD Dx. I just haven't pursued it.
I talk to myself a lot when I get anxiety attacks, too -- I try to reason with myself, explain that it's just an emotion, and emotions are not facts (thank you, SR!), and that I haven't always felt this way, and I won't always feel this way.
I don't know if any of that helps but please know that you're not alone. And that if your kids don't tell you now, give them a few years and they will tell you what a hero you are for fighting for them and being there for them and pulling the entire parenting load on your own. My oldest does, now that he's an adult. (((hugs)))
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I began getting regular massages a couple years ago and learned just how much I had been ignoring my physical recovery beyond just basic medical needs. I received a series of three sessions as a gift, and halfway through the first one I burst into tears and sobbed for 15 minutes. I realized it was the first time in years that anyone had laid hands on me who did not intend to hurt me. (Ouch.) Up until that point, I believed I was doing a very good job of identifying and addressing my own needs. Then I learned just how much I was leaving out, so I started getting regular massages, working out in ways that not only make me stronger but are also enjoyable, eating things that are not only healthy but give me real pleasure, taking two-hour bubble baths with a new book and a glass of wine......... goofy little things that just feel good. And it made a real difference.
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For me the sadness of massage comes from the relief that someone is touching me at all. When I was still married, I would cry because I had to pay to get that particular need met - touch. There was no physical affection at all in the marriage and it was so sad. I came to believe that I was repulsive, when objectively I am quite pretty (or so I am told).
I am still battling those beliefs that are probably related to the body-dysmorphia that people with eating disorders have.
I am still battling those beliefs that are probably related to the body-dysmorphia that people with eating disorders have.
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This may be kind of random--but I guess in a way it's related. I have *lots* of aches and pains (I work at a computer 8-10 hours a day), so I've been seeing a massage therapist since May. I've had massage before and I love it--I have lots of muscle tension and work out a good bit, so I really need it.
Anyway, she offers a free Reiki session with each 5-massage package. I had no idea what it was about--I didn't really believe it was real--but hey, it's free and I'll take anything for free as long as it isn't dangerous.
It was so relaxing--I'm super up-tight, so the fact that it relaxed me as much as a massage was shocking--but I just felt calm. It was about that point that I started realizing that I've been really reverting back to a lot of my codependent BS. I think that's part of how I ended up back here.
I was being blind to some things I really should've been seeing--and it was like my eyes were opened. By the way--Reiki is hard to explain and I still don't know a whole lot about it, but the general premise is to channel life-force energy from the "universe" and it'll go wherever you need it most.
I still don't know if I totally buy the whole premise, but I *know* that something happened in there and that it was a good thing for my physical body and it led me to pay a little more attention to my emotional condition. Energy can't be created or destroyed--it just changes form...
Anyway, she offers a free Reiki session with each 5-massage package. I had no idea what it was about--I didn't really believe it was real--but hey, it's free and I'll take anything for free as long as it isn't dangerous.
It was so relaxing--I'm super up-tight, so the fact that it relaxed me as much as a massage was shocking--but I just felt calm. It was about that point that I started realizing that I've been really reverting back to a lot of my codependent BS. I think that's part of how I ended up back here.
I was being blind to some things I really should've been seeing--and it was like my eyes were opened. By the way--Reiki is hard to explain and I still don't know a whole lot about it, but the general premise is to channel life-force energy from the "universe" and it'll go wherever you need it most.
I still don't know if I totally buy the whole premise, but I *know* that something happened in there and that it was a good thing for my physical body and it led me to pay a little more attention to my emotional condition. Energy can't be created or destroyed--it just changes form...
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Serenity - I *love* reiki - I go to healing sessions regularly & you're right, it's so hard to explain but it works. It was described to me at first as "a way to get healing without having to verbalize all the pain" because it deals with energy... so you don't need to be able to identify all the "hurts" for it to work.
Acupuncture is another amazing tool that helped me to get on the path to healing - it is one of the best things I've ever done for myself. Both help me strip away each layer of pain (like an onion) to reveal the next & the next, getting closer to the core all the time. With both, I wept like an infant at my 1st session without knowing why. I've seen a tremendous change in my physical health since making both of these a part of my regular health routine.
Acupuncture is another amazing tool that helped me to get on the path to healing - it is one of the best things I've ever done for myself. Both help me strip away each layer of pain (like an onion) to reveal the next & the next, getting closer to the core all the time. With both, I wept like an infant at my 1st session without knowing why. I've seen a tremendous change in my physical health since making both of these a part of my regular health routine.
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FireSprite--so glad I'm not the only one who's experienced this. I felt like a bit of a nutter mentioning it..but it was kind of a big deal to me. I didn't have an overly emotional response that first time--but I thought it kind of strange that she took an extra 10-15 minutes to warn me that it could happen and not to be worried or get disturbed by things that come up--just to acknowledge them and let them go (clearly she has no idea who she's talking to there--letting things go? lol)
Anyway, I've seen you can do a workshop-like attunement where you can learn to channel energy and be able to do Reiki yourself--on yourself, friends, pets etc. I was kind of interested because I've understood (from my massage therapist) that animals love reiki too--my cat gets a bit of separation anxiety when I go to work, I was thinking it might help him...
Anyway, I've seen you can do a workshop-like attunement where you can learn to channel energy and be able to do Reiki yourself--on yourself, friends, pets etc. I was kind of interested because I've understood (from my massage therapist) that animals love reiki too--my cat gets a bit of separation anxiety when I go to work, I was thinking it might help him...
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